Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Unspeakable

Today is Tuesday

Ok, well that was a pretty good start for a blog that I am not so sure how I am exactly going to word. See, if I decide to just lay the facts the way that they are spread in my mind at this moment, some people might take it personal and that is not the case because I am not in bad terms with anyone.

In fact I'm doing very well if I may say so myself.

I am just not as happy as I wish I were.


Many moons ago I wrote a blog about gaining certain...things that are by nature mine and are also by nature stripped from me.

Well on that aspect I have come to realize a few other things that well never work out for me. As a matter of fact its planning.
I can't ever plan anything because I am easily let down. ( This is the part people will read and freak...don't please. not yet). Many times and I really mean MANY times, I have been told to not care. I don't. I am by now used to it and therefore I do say I do not care. (This is why you reader should not freak)

To widen our horizons is not typically my idea. Remember I don't like idealists.

I don't mean to blame this on anyone but myself because I let others control me (note* I do not intend to victimize myself ). It is as easy as that and I do mean this with my heart. I love my friends. All of you. Each and every single one of you have qualities that I sometimes wish I could have and some that I wish I could discard. But...there is a but.

A tiny but

A tinsy winsy itti bitty but

I put up with it. I cannot rely on anyone. I am so sorry.

For those who have the opinion of me as the one lacking patience I tell you now that that would be inaccurate. I have a lot of patience but I am human and therefore my patience is limited so when things keep happening over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over .... you get the point? See how annoying that is?

I mean its like...c'on!

SO THEN I EXPLODE!

Looks like this...

KABOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What typically looks like I just yelled at you. I didn't. I'm sorry.

Over time people have put me down and let me down and I just don't know how else to protect myself. I absorb things for a while. And that is the problem because I should just let it go but I can't. Its like if I let anyone get too close and in my space I have this feeling at the back of my head saying "omg!" and when I do yell its my only way of saying "stop! you are hurting me! please don't leave!"

I am not the kind of girl that comes up to you and tells you "oh...honey...that looks horrible on you!" because I am a 'good friend'. There is a line between honesty and rudeness. I have my limits. Boundries. Walls. Forts. Whatever you decide to call it, its there and its really easy to tumble it. I should just keep things in my head where they are safe and not listen to anyone. I have one friend and only ONE that I will always listen to and reader, it is not you. I'm sorry.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm weak. SO DON'T ABUSE IT! I CAN BE MEAN!!!!!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Ok. I'm hungry now.