Oh its been so long since my last blog. But I tell you this reader, I feel so different now. Let me give you an account to what has passed through my mind in this long space of time. For one I'm in college, which I have learned to love. I say learned because I do like that I go to school four out of five days and I like my classes except for one and I like my teachers except for one. I also don't go the whole day, just three hours and one and a half hours and well you get the point. I'm also working taking care of 'chillum' after school. There's lots of love within those kids and yet some of them I can't stand...or their parents. I drive by myself as well. Whoop whoop. But I only drive to school and work. I'm still waiting for the glorious day when I will be able to pick up my friends and hang out or drive to the movies or just hang out with my sister; actually we do that sometimes but its more out of necessity, like today, when I'm supposed to take her to buy jeans even though I don't want to because she hasn't been the most cooperable person lately. Oh and currently I feel sick. I'm not sure if one of the kids gave me something or if its just allergies but in general, school, work and now my not-so-well-being makes me lose a lot of sleep. I'm tired.
You know what else reader? I'm tired of a lot of things. Here's one thing I'm REALLY tired of: Begging. Ok, not begging by its definition, but let me break it up so you understand. I don't beg the way a dog will beg its master to play with it or feed it. I don't smother myself like a cat on a person's leg to get it to pet the cat. I also don't beg like a child to its parent while at the store to get the parent to buy him something. That's the kind of begging I don't do. Here's the begging I will attempt to do:
'You're wrong. I'm right.' "No. Go away. I'm right." ' But...!' "I said no!" 'Fine be that way!' *turns out I was right* "I'm sorry..." 'ok' "will you be my friend?" 'HA! Good one' *I walk away*.
I won't sit there and watch you be wrong. EVENTUALLY I get tired of watching people mess up even though I told them they were wrong. This hurts me, watching a mistake being done. When it turns out I'm right, I won't not forgive you, but I won't trust you. That is my new logic. I understand, and you reader should understand this too because its important, that people are not perfect, they make mistakes. A FRIEND will not sit there and watch. I can't sit there and watch. Friendship is about forgiving, and forgetting. Oh wait, but at what cost? You can't sit here and tell me that you have kept ALL the friends you had since the day you met them. Everyone has had to filter out friendships. I guess this is my filter.
Like last week, my mom killed a roach with insecticide but for some stupid reason it made me sad. Raid doesn't kill roaches right away as they claim because I stood there watching the poor roach miserably trying to die. Trying! I don't care that its an animal or a disgusting insect without a conscience or logic, it suffered its death because it was never taught to not go inside a house. Its a plague and we are allowed and justified to kill plagues, but it was suffering! I literally cried over the roach's death. And its a roach! A disgusting little creature that minds its own business because its mind does not allow it to think that he or she is in danger!
I've taken a new standing in my life. I think I've made way too many mistakes to not realize that I'm wrong when I'm wrong. No one likes to be wrong but that is just something that we live with every day. Here's something that I thought of last night, I don't think I can get married. Its not that I don't want to, I really do in fact. Its just that I think I can't. Marriage is a HUGE life commitment. Marriage is not like a pair of shoes that you try on and wait until you find the right one. I don't know if I lost hope in all of love but I do think that I don't want to be alone. Being alone has always been one of my greatest fears, I don't know why, I just don't like it. I don't like people much, but like ugh! READER be patient with me, I haven't written for the lack of time and because I was afraid of criticism, now I could care less. Ok, so I don't think I can get married. I was thinking, what if I don't wanna tell my husband something? Something like that I consider it to be mine that happened when I was wee little and living in my little Mexico? Or what if its something that I don't remember but I was told it happened to me and I don't want him to know? Can I have MY thoughts or do they have to be OUR thoughts? I do wonder who will be the person that I will want to tell all of myself to...or if they will earn the right to know...
Thus the words of a cynic.
Here's my friendship cycle:
Meet -> Examine -> Study -> Examine -> Conclude its personality -> love -> Some mo' love -> Too much love -> Annoyance -> Acceptance -> FRIENDSHIP.
or or
hate and leave. annoyance and leave.
I have my first official-in-college tests starting Monday. Oh and I never caught up to the reading. One of my textbooks needs an access code for some stupid website and it didn't come with the code so I'm supposed to buy it. I think I can take a C for that class.
