Testosterone and Male Periods

It's true. I'm not even kidding. Every time I hear it, I realize how true it is even though I've never taken the time to research it. Males have periods too. Let me tell you about my weekend. So these friends invited us to go with them to a little town in near Austin so that we could give encouragement to the local congregation who was affected by the wildfires. To be honest it could have been more relaxing had we not spent so much time driving. When we first got invited I was really exited, I mean I've always wanted to preach in goat/cow territory. We have some territory like that but its not as rural. Well when we got permission it was all great and dandy until I realized that I was going to go out of town without my parents for the first time.

I couldn't tell you if it hut or not when my real umbilical chord was cut, but this time to know that I would be so far away from my mom made my stomach queezy. Not kidding. This was the first time that I slept away form my parents, my mom, and in another city! I won't lie...when I said goodbye I literally almost cried.

Now and again I think about changing my name. My mom likes to over use it....soooo I won't tell her when I change it only because then she will wear out that one too. Like right now, I'm trying to write this but then she keeps telling me to do stuff and I'm like oh my gosh.

Today I have a party to go to. I decided that I'm going to give everyone a second chance to prove me wrong. I want to be proven that inside of everyone there is some goodness and that people are capable of being genuinely good. About four years ago my sister and I wanted to throw this party. Back then we were not aware of the fact that there was a difference between a gathering, a hang out, and a party. To us, it was all the same. I remember getting all exited and inviting all these new friends I had made... oh yeah, I remember, it was after Ike hit and we had been working in the relief committee. Well, after that time, I wanted to have a get together. But then, my mom who was also exited about all these new people decided that she wanted to have to have music to dance....that all went wrong.

First mistake was that I had never been to a house party so we had no idea how the atmosphere was suppposed to roll.

Second mistake was that I let my mom controll the whole thing.

Third mistake was that I didn't invite enough people.

Fourth mistake was that I made too much food.

Fifth mistake was that I had planned for things to go one way but it all didn't happen because no one really showed up and then some people were late.

Sixth mistake was that I actually thought that we were going to dance....

Man, do I regret having lived that day. Ever since that day I do not let my mom organize my events. I also invite a lot of people or none at all. Tomorrow I shall try this again. Except this time I will actually invite a lot of people, in fact, everyone! I don't ever want to go through that kind of humiliation. Even if it doesn't all go the way I want it to go I don't care. At least I will know that I tried.

Here's my next new reflexion: Having all the money in the world blinds appreciation and effort. I don't know what its like to be rich, I've been very close to knowing it and as a third party observer, I don't want that to be my life. I LOVE my job, I love working and living out of my hard work. All my life I've seen all kinds of people work their butts to get just the simplest things in life, and that as a result is plain satisfaction. When I pay school out of pocket without the government adding money to my pocket it makes me feel proud and study harder. One time I was told I would never be able to pay school on my own and I would eventually not finish and I would have to no matter what get grants. When I heard that, I believed it. Now I think its the biggest piece of booty that I've heard. I can do anything I want in any way I manage. Really I'm unstoppable and no man on this earth will get in my way.

Dreams and Reality

I'm out of school so I decided to blog about two dreams that I had last night. The first one I can understand because I was watching The Mentalist last night and it was about a firefighter who was murdered. He was supposed to be a super hero guy and it turned out that the guy he saved from a fire was the one that killed him. So the first part of my dream was a little like that...well something was on fire. I was living in some time of medieval castles or something was the castle, or more like a really big house made of stone, was in the middle of a prairie. My family and I were hiding and then out of nowhere I was getting butter from something outside and I saw smoke, and then everything got really scary because some people that didn't like us were putting fire all around the big stone house, and I freaked out but my dad put out the fire with a tiny sprinkle of water. But I was really scared. Like crying and screaming.

When I was little and living in my little Mexico, my neighborhood was on fire. I don't remember anything except that I woke up at some time in the middle of the night and the first thing I saw was a painting, so I freaked out because I knew I wasn't home. I called out for my mom and got no response and soon the lights came on. I was definitely not home. My mom appeared and I realized we were in the living room of some house with a bunch of other kids. The owner of the house gave us white bread "para el susto" (up till now I still don't understand why...). Then my mom explained to me that everything was ok and I should go back to sleep. The next day I found out what really happened.

Apparently one of the boxes that are on top of the light posts exploded. It was a very big bang according to my parents who were about to go to bed when they heard it. They tried to get us out of the house but the "saguan" or gate was too hot and my dad couldn't open it. Technically we were stuck and could have died, but the way my house was built in Mexico was two houses in L shape put together but not joined on the inside, so our neighbors had opened a door that was attached to the gate and we were able to get out. My mom says that the neighbor mom was freaking out and one of her babies nearly died. They had to throw the baby out the window to save it or something like that...Well, I'm glad that all throughout all that commotion, I was asleep, and so was my sister, well she managed to wake up a little and peek out the blanket she was wrapped in. I don't think she remembers anything but red all over. My dad says that a man burned his hand because a car was going backwards and it was on fire and he tried to stop it with his hand...I think he's an idiot but in cases like that, panic overtakes your actions and its hard to say who's acting out of idiocy and who is acting out of fear.

My second dream must have been tied to my first because I still remember the stone house in some faint way. I needed to get married, I don't know why, but I did. So I was with a very good friend of mine, my best friend (I think) and my sister. We were looking through a yearbook of some kind and I remember asking about all the boys there. But you see, they were high school boys, not boys my age. So then I apparently picked one, I don't know why but I did, I guess I thought I would have time to meet him or fall in love with him, but I was so busy planning the wedding and I forgot who I was going to marry. So the day of the wedding my friend was doing my hair and we started to talk about the guy and I couldn't remember who I picked or why I picked him and no one wanted to tell me, so I began to freak out in a way I have never freaked out before in real life. I literally cried for hours with my mom and she was trying to get this fear out of me but then she said, this is the guy you're going to marry because you picked him, and then I asked if I was allowed to change my mind because I was really scared and not ready to get married to a stranger that I couldn't even remember why I picked him. She said I didn't have to do it so a few hours before the wedding, it got canceled. Then I cried and cried with my mom. Then I tried asking people why I was going to get married and no one would tell me! Then I got tired of the mystery so I woke up.

I don't know why I dreamed this but I'm very stressed out. Like I don't know why but I feel out of breath and I want so badly to know why I needed to get married. What I think about this dream is that I'm scared of getting married to someone that I think I'm in love with and then turns out that I'm not. I don't know...marriage is a big deal, one that you can't get out of so easily. Its a lifetime thing. Like...who in the world am I going to give my life to??? What kind of stranger will I share a life with??? I think that I'm very happy right now being single and enjoying all the freedom that goes with it, but one day I would like to meet someone and be so in love that I won't have a doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with. By the rest of my life, I literally mean forever, a time that is a very long time...its like forever!! So who will I tie the knot with that I will want to be with FOREVER!!! Forever is a long time...

Nameless

I've been wanting to write about a lot of things. Because a lot of things have been going through my mind. I don't write the way that I used to, its not the same joy. Most of the time I have the tendency to just think. Everyday something happens that makes me be thankful of all the decisions I've taken, the people that are and aren't in my life, and the beliefs I have. I've changed for the better. To be honest, I think I really like the way that I am, not looking back at my past has helped me live in the present and look forward to the future. Its like all of a sudden, everything that I want, I don't just want it for no reason, I want it badly and for the most incredible reasons. I don't want that part of me to change because it makes sense. I like things that make sense, and lacking a personality, letting other people control our lives, and being part of the crowd does not make sense.

I lack patience though. That is a problem. But I don't mind it. I'm bored with what I have now at this moment, like as if I was looking for something or someone. There's a hollow feeling in me that I cannot explain but I ignore it most of the time. What doesn't make sense now, will make sense later.

I know when I meet the right person, it will be because they have looked for me as much as I have looked for them.