Sometimes I feel like certain things only happen to me. I sit there and think of all the other things that I wish WOULD happen and that they are NOT happening. Then something unexpected happens and I'm like "Really...? This would happen to me..." But I know its not true. I think life happens to everyone and its fair to everyone. Everyone has good and bad and weird and funny and sad.
Sometimes I don't know what to say. It happens to everyone; they think and think and think and nothing comes out. As a friend I think that is one of the most imortant things to have in a friendship. When two people love each other, it is also very important to know what to say.
I'm sitting here typing with my eyes closed trying to know what to say. I hear all these words in my head; I can hear them screaming, bouncing off the walls of my brian. I think and think and think and I hear what people are saying but I can't ever say then right thing. Sometimes I hear stories in my head and I have to wake up or stop what I'm doing to write them. I never finish them though because my mind goes completely quiet. As a result I have a lot of incomplete essays. The one I miss writing them most about is the one of Peter and Evelyn. That was a great story let me tell you. I'm not being cocky, I'm just saying. I created a character that makes men jealous and a couple that makes girls sigh. Evelyn is the girl in the story everyone can relate to and Peter is the guy every girl wants. In that story I always knew what Peter had to say to make Evelyn stop hurting or smile.I think I fell in love with him at one point and to be honest...I miss him. Or at least I miss the idea of him.
I don't even know what to say here anymore! I want to say so much to the people that I care the most about! I want to tell them that I love them that I need them that I care about them! I want to tell the people that are hurting me that I hate them that I can live without them and that I don't care! Time can do a lot of good or bad to a person. It can make them bitter and cold or mature and warm. Time does change people. Its up to the person to change for the good or the bad.
Mostly I hate myself for caring. I always care too much about the things that I should give little importance. Like when a very dear friend decides to wear off the truth. I really don't want to care, I mean, I won't pay the consequences, they will. I wish I could say the right things to change their mind, I wish I could forget every moment spent and every promise. I really don't want to care! I feel really stupid right now. Probably because I am, and I want so badly to wake up and not remember a single thing that has to do with that person place or thing. I pray one day things will be different. I pray really hard to forget and forgive. I pray for patience and understanding. I have nothing left to say. I let a lot of people down and I feel the weight of all that guilt drowning me.
My friend told me to stop writing sad blogs. The truth is, I don't think this blog was ever intended to be happy. I mean, its called Inner Look to the Smile, as in, there is something behind that smile I carry and its not always good. I can't ever say the right thing but I can definitely write the right thing. I have unfinished stories of all kinds, I have unwritten emotions and unspoken thoughts. When words run out, the heart speaks and silence gives in.
