It seems to me that the older I get the less I blog. Actually, that seems to be the case of other bloggers. Maybe its just the type of blog I follow. When I started to blog I had no idea what exactly this would turn out to be. Later it just became an analysis of people and life in general. Sometimes I wrote things I couldn't say outloud and sometimes I wrote as an outlet of my emotions. Techinically this could be considere my diary, except I chose to show it to the world. Frankly, I don't mind too much that people read it mainly because I know that no one really reads it. At least no one that I personally know. At one point I was writing for the boy who was my first relationship. Yeah I said it. I had a relationship.
I wish I would have been older when it happened. I wished I would have been ready. I really honestly wish that I hadn't been scared. I sort of wish I hadn't ended it as well. Only too bad for me because people don't stick around forever.
Lately I think too much about what I'm going to write and how I am going to write it. I doesn't come to me as naturally as it used to. It used to be so easy to just sit here and vent to my imaginary audience and I would feel good right after. Well I don't need to do that anymore. All I have to do is go to sleep. If I am sleeping I can't think of what is bothering me. I don't even dream about it. It just goes away and then I wake up and pretend the problem is not there until I am forced to face it again.
I've been observing a lot of couples lately. Then I found a meme saying "I talk about having a boyfriend but I don't even know what I'd do with one, like do you just kiss him and then leave him alone in a corner, how often does it eat?" So basically I realized that its not that I don't want a boyfriend. I mean who doesn't like to feel like the prettiest girl? Who doesn't want to be in someone's thoughts the whole day? Who doesn't want to feel the butterflies? The reality is that if I were to get a boyfriend I really wouldn't know how to treat it. Like, I wouldn't know what to do in a relationship. It got me to think how my summer is going and basically its been a bum.
My summer basically has consisted of me going to summer school, getting my heart broken, getting over it and not getting a tan.
I basically fell for my rock. Strong in every sense of the word. Gentle and funny. Caring, spiritual, honest. All the stupid cliche. Only too bad for me that the feelings were mutual and they didn't get closure. Its the stupid story of the guy who has goals and the girl who has goals and they can't meet halfway so they have a very awkward friendship. I feel so stupid you know? I am blogging about someone who played me and who took advantage of my feelings. Well that's how I feel at least. I give this guy too much credit, I gave him the benefit of the doubt only to have my feelings rubbed and mocked in my face. Overnight. I wish I would have done things differently, I wish I would have listened to my best friend, I wish I would have been more reserved and formal. I wish I would be in a foreign land so I couldn't communicate with anyone. That thought gives me a lot of happiness.
I've been doing well attaching myself to my new congregation. They were gone over the week for our convention. Unfortunatelly being the lazy sloth that I am, I had no money to afford the trip and had to suck it up in the spanish for a week. Even though it was two meetings and a service day it felt like an eternity. I am so glad they are back! This separation made me realize how whole I am with them and how much they mean to me. Its been good in the whole integration thing. Today for example I made a cake for the pioneer school. Only too bad that I had to drive it super far because the cake broke in four and it made a mess. Oh but did I mention it was the favorite and that everyone wanted to try it and take a piece home? That's because if I can do one thing well is baking. I know its unhealthy but its relaxing to me. I do it for therapy.
Since summer started and my favorite show is over for the season, I had to get into new shows. One of them is Girl Code. That show makes sense out of my life. No, actually it makes sense out of being a girl. My favorite so far is the code that says " exes are like a bad resume; you don't show them to new bosses." Its also given me the courage to speak my emotions rather than just writing them. It helped me especially in the situation with this last crush. We got some closure even though I don't think he fully understands why I am so offended by his behavior. But what's a broken cake unless it has good icing to cover up the cracks? It still tastes delicious. Well, what's a broken heart without a facade? You still have some fun in the end, or at least until the feelings go away completely. In my case I can say that I am being stupid because I still like the dude. A year later when I read this I will think I was so stupid, so technically I am writing this on purpose. Yes, I had a crush this summer and it lasted for a week. End of story. Oh and I make awesome cakes.
