Things and People that Matter

"It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories but find yourself moving on."

I wish I knew who said that. Whoever it was is a very smart person. I've been thinking about this piece that I'm writing. A short story. Maybe I've said it before, but, I don't like to post short stories here. I'm afraid to get plagiarized. The internet is not a safe place for an artist of any kind, people take your work like its nothing. Its impossible to avoid it. Since I'm not a professional writer, its worse for me. However, I find that I've always written a story that is significant of every love interest I've ever had. Its not to say that the story is real, its just a figment of my imagination, sometimes in which circumstances are better. I don't think of myself as a writer. I simply write. Of course I'm aware of the contradiction there, but writers are better than me. I simply write for the fun of it. Have I been told my writing is awesome? Yes. Have I been told my writing sucks? In smaller words, yes. Have I been told I can improve? Definitely yes. I know I'm as good as I am bad so I don't expect much out of this blog. I have friends who have tried blogging and failed. Or some just quit. I guess it gets old, or people simply don't know what to write. Or they are embarrassed. I'm not afraid to write. Its something that I enjoy because no one ever brings it up. Lately though, I've been thinking and I've thought a lot about my friends.

Friends are hard to find and even harder to keep. The quote above explains it better than I can. That's why I decided to write about it. In my case, I see it as a protection when I stop being friends with someone. Sometimes it hurts and I may not even know why it happened. One day I'll be talking to a girl and the next day its over. Its crazy. Girls are so hard to be friends with. Guys its even worse. 500 days of Summer puts it like this: " A guy and a girl can be just friends. But at one point or another, they will fall for each other, maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time. Maybe too late or maybe forever." That is why. History repeats itself with me. I've been warned many times. Its almost like A Christmas Carol when the ghosts tell Scrooge what's going to happen if he doesn't change. Well, no ghost has come to visit me and take me in stroll through time, but I can say with true certainty that some things I can feel coming, so they are expected. I don't think I'm a horrible person because I have friends. I have my best friend, my close friends, my relatively close friends, my soon-to-be-close friends, my party friends and my acquaintances. By the way, I hate that word, I can't ever spell it right. Continuing. I can't imagine life without my best friend. She means absolutely everything to me. Even when she lets me down and when I let her down, we still get over it and continue to be friends. I do lover her beyond words. Everyone else is very much on a different level. Its like a cone that builds up. The lower levels have more room than the top levels.

What about when a friend stops being a friend. You know, when you try talking and they don't make an effort to talk. Or when they talk behind your back. How about when they never make an effort to hang out or always cancel? And what about the times when you do see each other and its awkward. You try to play it off like everything is ok...but really you wonder what went wrong. Then you try to talk it out but apparently nothing is wrong...so you continue to wonder what happened.

Its a pattern. Then sad thing is what happens next. Someone gets in trouble. I don't mean the person who is your friend, I mean someone close to them. Sometimes, its your friend. That's when it hits you. At least with me I feel like there was some kind of divine intervention to protect me. So now I'm scared. I have a friend that I've known for years. I think the world of this person and I thought we were really really good friends. Like almost best friends. We always had time for each other. This is when I realize that what I want in life and what this friend wants in life clearly are not the same things. Then again, they never have been, but that never stopped us from being friends. We had each other's back. I think, and maybe I'm wrong, but, I think I've been there for some of the toughest times this person has been through. So I wonder. What did I do. Again.

I do think its my fault. I don't care if its not, I still think it is. I think maybe I said something and then I think and think, what could it be. I go back in time and draw myself a timeline of events. I think of what I said and did and then what the person said and did. I think about it until it drives me nuts. Then, I think about it again. This time, I'm afraid to ask. Honestly, I don't think I did anything. Its always the same story. "She said you said." Well for once I wish they would ask me first before believing things. That's how I know who my real friends are. People that know me well wouldn't believe just anything that anyone says even if it sounds like something I would say or do. I'm not completely over it but I'm not losing sleep over it. If its happening I think something is about to happen. Something. Soon. Its not like all the people that have gotten in trouble since the Summer is not enough. So I'm scared. No, I'm more like anxious but the bad kind. I try to focus on my hair and face. Both of them are almost 70% clear. I try to focus in school and my pioneering. I try to focus on my platonic crushes. I try to think about the things that MATTER. This does not matter. Well, it doesn't matter yet. Soon it will. I wonder what's going to turn out of this one. All I know is that I'm probably going to get hurt very soon. And all because I don't listen to the thoughts in my head. Or maybe because I listen to them too much.

I just don't even know. Why do people change? That's hypocritical because I changed. I think I'm maturing. But if that means that other people change and mature...then who's wrong?

The answer is in the quote above.