The Unspeakable

Today is Tuesday

Ok, well that was a pretty good start for a blog that I am not so sure how I am exactly going to word. See, if I decide to just lay the facts the way that they are spread in my mind at this moment, some people might take it personal and that is not the case because I am not in bad terms with anyone.

In fact I'm doing very well if I may say so myself.

I am just not as happy as I wish I were.


Many moons ago I wrote a blog about gaining certain...things that are by nature mine and are also by nature stripped from me.

Well on that aspect I have come to realize a few other things that well never work out for me. As a matter of fact its planning.
I can't ever plan anything because I am easily let down. ( This is the part people will read and freak...don't please. not yet). Many times and I really mean MANY times, I have been told to not care. I don't. I am by now used to it and therefore I do say I do not care. (This is why you reader should not freak)

To widen our horizons is not typically my idea. Remember I don't like idealists.

I don't mean to blame this on anyone but myself because I let others control me (note* I do not intend to victimize myself ). It is as easy as that and I do mean this with my heart. I love my friends. All of you. Each and every single one of you have qualities that I sometimes wish I could have and some that I wish I could discard. But...there is a but.

A tiny but

A tinsy winsy itti bitty but

I put up with it. I cannot rely on anyone. I am so sorry.

For those who have the opinion of me as the one lacking patience I tell you now that that would be inaccurate. I have a lot of patience but I am human and therefore my patience is limited so when things keep happening over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over .... you get the point? See how annoying that is?

I mean its like...c'on!

SO THEN I EXPLODE!

Looks like this...

KABOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What typically looks like I just yelled at you. I didn't. I'm sorry.

Over time people have put me down and let me down and I just don't know how else to protect myself. I absorb things for a while. And that is the problem because I should just let it go but I can't. Its like if I let anyone get too close and in my space I have this feeling at the back of my head saying "omg!" and when I do yell its my only way of saying "stop! you are hurting me! please don't leave!"

I am not the kind of girl that comes up to you and tells you "oh...honey...that looks horrible on you!" because I am a 'good friend'. There is a line between honesty and rudeness. I have my limits. Boundries. Walls. Forts. Whatever you decide to call it, its there and its really easy to tumble it. I should just keep things in my head where they are safe and not listen to anyone. I have one friend and only ONE that I will always listen to and reader, it is not you. I'm sorry.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I'm weak. SO DON'T ABUSE IT! I CAN BE MEAN!!!!!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Ok. I'm hungry now.

About Cooking

I'm sick. I'm not super sick but it's bad enough to keep me home. Oh well, I had fun yesterday. Actually it's been a pretty good month for me. It hasn't been super dandy but I would give it an 8 (actually, there is a specific day that I would definitely rate as 10+++++). Hopefully if things go as planned my December '09 will be a 10 month.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone else reads this. I used to have more readers and I think I'm going to do what I used to do when I had a lot of readers. Maybe I can get some ratings again. Well, actually I blog because I know eventually if I die, all my thoughts will be recorded somewhere and I will be remembered somehow. This morning I couldn't breath. I was like...OMG I am going to die. Then I realized that I had been wanting to write about this one specific thing and I said...NO wait I can't die yet. I have to write About Cooking ( I don't write anything that I haven't titled before)

My head hurts...

Oh and also I still need 5 hours to complete my pioneering and I have like... 2 days left? So I can RIP after that too. Other wise I will be in debt.

Oh Man! I ran out of tea...

Ok so About Cooking. This is not the typical blog because actually there will soon be more understanding to my blogs and I am not so sure how I feel about that. Sometimes I would like to keep things MORE secret. But then again...I don't have any secrets. They hurt me and eventually other people so I try not to have them. (right special friend? wink wink)

A few days ago when the city died because it was Christmas, we were stuck at home watching *achoo* watching movies. One of the movies was Julia & Julie. Ladies, if you have not seen this movie but you don't like cooking and writing then I suggest you don't watch it. You will not like it. Guys...don't watch it either. Its one of those movies that is only good for a certain group of people and only that certain group can relate to it. I do.

A while ago I was thinking what married life would be like. Yea Yeah. I know. I am still 16 (soon oh so very soon 17!!!) and therefore I should not be thinking that; BUT I have been planning my adult life since I could speak. And that happened when I was one because I was a smart baby.

So at the age of literally one, I was planning what I wanted to be and who I wanted to marry and where I would live and what kind of kids I would have and how I would raise them and all that corny stuff girls think about at SOME point.

I didn't really understand this concept until I started to be around newlyweds, which totally changed my conception of things. Besides the fact that I have changed with time and I think I have reached a point where I'm comfortable. I still think about the corny stuff but I also think about the realis *sniff grunt sniff*
I think about the realism of the situation. MY mother says that the first year of marriage is the hardest because you are trying to get used to each other and some PEOPLE say that marriage life is only happiness, depending on the couple, for up to five years.

So I wonder how couples make it to 25...

I like cooking a lot and I could do so many great things if I had the budget and if I didn't have a little bee next to me telling me that I'm doing things wrong (WHICH IM NOT!- just to clarify) and then eventually taking over and messing things up big time...*sniff*

I also like writing. I have big plans to improve it and also to master description and such other things but according to some experts I am good. (not intending to brag...)

My life just seems to be in a more Witness way like Julia & Julie.

Update on Age

I used to not pop my fingers and just before I started typing this I did. Nine out of ten of my fingers made that killer sound that I try to avoid convinced that it will deform my knuckles. The tips of my fingers are icy cold but I mean it is winter so I can't expect less and much even worse is the fact that I have to go pee and I just won't because if I lift my booty from this chair, Ilse, will get her booty off the bed in which she is texting and replace my booty with her booty on this chair. I have marks of stress coming out due to the fact that we just had our finals this week and to be honest, I disagree with the world. Junior year is not the hardest year of High School. So far, I've been taking it easy and it has worked, even through my procrastination habits.

I don't know. I mean I do but I don't. I haven't written anything here that is not a poem or a vision of my dreams. More like I've focused on other things, people and situations and I am trying to figure out the way I feel about them and I just never seem to get to the bottom of the well.

It just keeps getting deeper.

A classmate was telling me of her misfortune with guys and her parents and we came to the conclusion that we, as teens, will never come to an agreement with out parents because we don't have kids.

On the radio, this man, the radio man, read something worth meditation. He was talking about age and the way people actually functioned rather than the way we think we function.

• Kids don't learn to be kids until after they have been kids, teens dont ever learn to understand themselves until after they have been teens, parents never learn to be parents until they have aged and the elderly don't learn to live until they have already lived through the worse.

I happen to agree.

There seems to be another complexion on certain events as well. As some of you readers have noticed, I do happen to have certain trust issues. Not like I don't trust people, more like I trust the wrong people therefore choosing not to trust anyone at all. Its not personal. Its a girl thing.

Its not that I don't like being a girl, because I do, Its what comes with being a 16-year old girl that I hate. And I am not talking about That.

Ok. I have to take this call.

Paradise in Your Eyes

• I lay in your arms asleep. You find your way into my dreams and holding my hand you lead the way. You take me thorough a path of petals as the sun sets on our backs and the moonlight begins to embrace us. The stars come out to play and tickle us with their twinkle. The warmth of the night is captured in your eyes, glistening with joy. There is a breeze that dances with the lake and the obscurity of time is faded yet you remain. The sweet essence around you wraps me into a golden feeling. A precious emotion that only you can draw inside of me, so valuable and rare. A new me was revived and of a heavy shadow you drew me out to this marvelous land. This is my paradise. The whisper of the trees carry the story of our future. The clouds in the sky take away all our sorrows. In the depths of my heart, I feel this environment bringing you closer. It is the assurance of morning as well and the coming of night that preserve our love. It's incomplete without the other. The beauty of each draws them together. I wake to see you staring at me. There is that smile that you give me and those eyes that assure me your love. You kiss my forehead as you hold on to me forever giving completion to my life.

Dancing in the Sky...

It was just a thought. One that I kept in my head. I looked up at the moon and absorbed your presence. When I saw the stars, I looked at the shimmer in your eyes that speak those words that only you and I know.

Then you asked me why

Well why not? It's you.

It is because you weren't afraid.
Because you make me laugh.
Because you wipe my tears.
Because you hold my hand when I'm afraid.
Because you never lie.
Because you gave me your friendship.
Because you trust me.
Because you teach me.
Because you advice me.
Because you care for me.
Because you make me reason.
Because you care for me.
Because you didn't let me go.
Because you want to be with me.
Because you're not easily tempered.
Because you are smart.
Because you make wise choices.
Because you enjoy life.
Because you are not judgmental.
Because you are not embarrassed.
Because I can look up to you.
Because you're ready to help.
Because you have disposition.
Because you defend the truth.
Because you're careful not to mess up.
Because you learn from your mistakes.
Because you give respect.
Because you are humble.
Because you are kind.
Because you are patient and give me your time.
Because you try to understand.
Because you try your best.
Because you lead the way.
Because you are sweet.
Because you embrace your surroundings.
Because you know when is the right time.
Because you let me keep up.
Because you decided to wait at all costs.
Because you love me unconditionally...

Meaning no matter what..
Meaning all the time...

Because you let me love you.





NOVEMBER 2ND, 2009

BY: Pink Lady

Please Come Home

Sometimes, as I lay in bed waiting, I think. I'm not afraid to write this because no one will read it and bother to comment. I blog hoping someone will read it and care; but bloggers don't get that a lot because everything here is really an inside view on circumstances. The path that I stand in is not easy. I could simply not care and keep waiting. That's what we all do in general. We wait. We can wait a whole lifetime but things will keep changing. People change, ideas change, situations change, and feelings change. When it seems like the wait is over, something new will arise.

I wait.

• I wait every night gripping to my last piece of hope. That's the one thing I haven't lost.

I don't lose hope because I care. I care because there is hope. I think about a hundred ways things could be different. How in a way I am happy but could be happier. How going far away and starting over could be ideal.

• I hate idealistic people simply because they are part of a world consisting of unreal things.

I really wish we could see things differently. Be more lenient not so focused. There are things that by nature are more important. Things and people and situations that matter far more than others. Sad to think though that not all are easily granted. I want to think its for the best. I want to accept is as a protection. I want to see it as fear of losing. I want to believe it is an avoidance for criticism. But these things I don't care for, I despise them as much as I can possibly bear in my wits.

I don't think I'm meant to be governed by individuals who don't share my insight look on reality. Their minds are solely based on criticism and a lifestyle not lived. It is a lot harder because I know that being me is something I plainly don't wish anyone to be. It's dramatic. Dramatic hurts. The different angles you see are just reflections of bad decisions which I know I won't take. I'm not a child for sure. I'm independent.

Period.

Think of me as a bunch of just talk no action and you will find yourself in a big dilemma. Say what you want I know who I am. Sad to say that there is always someone worse than us. I could be dying or even worse, I could be in the world. Well I was already in the world. I know the lifestyle, the customs and beliefs. I see it everyday. I live in it and I know I'm not that bad but until the forty one million two hundred ninety nine thousand two hundred seconds of waiting are over, I promise to not rest in peace. I'll just wait. Hope and believe that it will come and when it does, I'll be free and happy forever.

The Irony of Circumstances

Day 512

It’s funny how things just happen. Take for instance my job. The dilemma of quitting came to a resolution after I was scheduled to work on Sunday. That was the end for my H-E-B career. Funny thing is that I didn’t want to quit because I like my job but my Mat 5:3 was screaming inside that if working on Sunday was a must then I had to leave because that was the right thing to do. Soon I’ll be broke, I’ll miss my job and I’ll want to go back.

Time goes by fast. That was discussed three days ago with Hunt.

Thinking about the age I’m in…

She recalled how one of the teacher’s daughters got married this past weekend and she happened to be 26. Well, 10 years ago, that girl walked into Hunt’s class to learn history. Then she mentioned how the first graduating class of out school was in its junior year in college.

So then I got into my silly thinking about life.

What was I doing ten years ago? Ten years ago I was starting first grade. I literally remember my first day of elementary so clearly… as if it ware yesterday.
What about ten years form now? Where could I be? I could be married. I could have kids. I could be living in some distant corner of the universe. Who knows…?

And then there are the misfortunate events that happen out of nowhere. Like everyone is living their own life doing something different until you bump into them. Then it’s like you join lives or more like you join paths. Lives joined where at some points you wish you would have missed a bus or turned the other way or stayed where you were at or not turned your head or not looked up or missed that phone call. But your life stopped and started and you can’t regret it because you love it.

I think that’s part of growing up; realizing who was worth meeting and keeping and who needs to be let go of. People that you don’t want to let go are the most painful ones to go through and if you endure the wait, you don’t let go. We keep them even if it means to wait.

It’s like when we are babies and our moms put us in a corral. I remember my corral. I liked it a lot too. It was blue and simple and yet it made me happy because I had fun in that little secluded area. So then my mom would leave Ilse and me in there to play while she went about to do her thing but we knew she was there and that she
would come back.

Well at 16 I’m stuck being the mom in a symbolic way. When I come back to get what I left in the corral I will get it for sure. It’s not a matter of question; it’s a matter of fact because 10 years from now, it’s going to be my way.