I've always wondered why I can't smell myself after a shower. Like on the Body Wash commercials, they say one will smell like rainbows and gumdrops and one's hair will pop out flowers, then somebody's eyes will transfer to the back of their skulls as one walks by. It makes no sense...In the end its a lie.
Right now, everything is a lie.
I remember my first crush (and the second and third and fourth and fifth and sixth and seventh and eighth and ninth and well...my tenth *blush*). Most were only a few days but the one I remember the most is the one I remember the less. I can't remember his face, only his hair and why I liked him. I was in PreK and he was in Elementary (1st, maybe 2nd?) His mom worked at our PreK so he'd be there after school. After that boy I don't think I had normal crushes. In fact, my second crush was for a day. It was a man selling waffles that looked like Leonardo DeCaprio's friend in the Titanic. My next crush became my first "boyfriend". Take in to consideration that I was in 2nd grade...I wonder what it would be like if I saw him again... OK! So followed by that... I won't say. Just know I've never dated any of the above.
But I have been emotionally tied...
It's funny how life works out. It's instability makes us so human that without it, it'd be mediocre. My sister is the kind of person that obsesses over things momentarily. By that I mean her likes and style. Me on the other hand, I like to be stable against the current. The only thing that has changed on me is my favorite color. The way I react to things has been part of my maturing, but everyone goes through that phase. Things have been added to my likes, but one thing's for sure, I have no idea what I like on people. This I believe is caused by the fact that I illusion personalities that don't exist. Over and over I've been disappointed.
I like to be an open book with coded chapters. YOU may see me but not understand me. Its the things that people don't understand about me which I like the most of myself. I don't like to be surprised or bipolar. Funny how seldom we use that word. I think the true meaning of words has been lost due to lingo, but also because people have ceased to understand emotions.
I see myself in the mirror and the reflection shows a spark through my eyes. A spark that had been dimmed but slowly starts to show its real shine all of a sudden. Being thought of as elite makes people forget that one is human. One makes mistakes. One has flaws. One is like everyone else. I don't think I want to ever be someone else's perfect someone. I just want to be me. I don't think I should be obligated to change for anyone. Suddenly, I feel like I can do anything I want. Nothing can stop me. I only have to give accounts to one Superior being.
I am a bird that can fly far away but is lost.
I feel so alone at this point in my life. Everything that I had planned out, I have to re-think. Nothing is the same, in fact, its more superficial. However, I feel liberated. Freedom has its costs but through time, I have learned that part of loving someone means to also learn to let them go. In this life, nothing is eternal. Its like if every second that passes, is one less breath you'll take. Time flies, but life remains untouched. There is no real future. The past is a beautiful memory. As of right now, I want to be alone and re-plan everything. Who I am and what I want. Until then, I only have one thing to hold on to. Hope.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Upsidedown
I know why she's acting the way she is. My mother loves me and there is no other type of love that surpasses that of a mother's. Honestly, I'm not anywhere near happy right now, but only because I know what to do and I'm not going to...at least not until I'm sure there is no other solution.
Back in the third grade, this one girl came up to me and asked me if I wanted to be friends with her. That was the first time someone asked me such thing but being the new girl in the school, I was in no position to turn her down. I said yes, not because I knew our friendship would work out but because she looked nice. Our friendship did end up working out but only for that year because when I moved, we stopped talking. There is a little boy that loves me no matter how much he can sometimes annoy me. I don't understand why it is that this two year-old likes me so much but every time he hugs me, he does it like he won't ever let go, and no matter what type of person I am or will become, he will love me.
Lately, I'm not sure of anything I do or say. Its as if I were functioning robotically... A spark of life in me it seems to be dimmed when I find myself in certain situations. I don't feel free, more like compromised. All of a sudden, everything that I thought I wanted is being questioned, but only because I was not doing things for me, I was doing them to please. Being the center of attention is not my thing. I need to start making decisions not to guard other's feelings but my own.
This is probably going to be the hardest on me, but I'm not alone. My sense of direction in life has been busted but I've always been very independent and I will use that independence for my better benefit. There is still the factor of the benefit of doubt, however, I'm not ready to take over the situation. I have to be strong and think that this is really the best my life is ever going to be. I am only young and free once and I plan to use up all my freedom and youth on me.
Back in the third grade, this one girl came up to me and asked me if I wanted to be friends with her. That was the first time someone asked me such thing but being the new girl in the school, I was in no position to turn her down. I said yes, not because I knew our friendship would work out but because she looked nice. Our friendship did end up working out but only for that year because when I moved, we stopped talking. There is a little boy that loves me no matter how much he can sometimes annoy me. I don't understand why it is that this two year-old likes me so much but every time he hugs me, he does it like he won't ever let go, and no matter what type of person I am or will become, he will love me.
Lately, I'm not sure of anything I do or say. Its as if I were functioning robotically... A spark of life in me it seems to be dimmed when I find myself in certain situations. I don't feel free, more like compromised. All of a sudden, everything that I thought I wanted is being questioned, but only because I was not doing things for me, I was doing them to please. Being the center of attention is not my thing. I need to start making decisions not to guard other's feelings but my own.
This is probably going to be the hardest on me, but I'm not alone. My sense of direction in life has been busted but I've always been very independent and I will use that independence for my better benefit. There is still the factor of the benefit of doubt, however, I'm not ready to take over the situation. I have to be strong and think that this is really the best my life is ever going to be. I am only young and free once and I plan to use up all my freedom and youth on me.
Monday, November 1, 2010
The 25 Things About MOI
I just read my friend's note on a social website and I am somewhat, and yet not, surprised that I wasn't tagged. So I will write 25 things about myself in this real blog. Plus I've been meaning to blog but haven't had the time or topic.
1. I love writing. I love it passionately. However, I don't think I'm great at it. I think there are so many styles that I have yet to master...oh and I tend to have a lot of run-ons...hehehe
2. I like cooking. However, I tend to be limited by my parents because my mom doesn't like to let us do much. She thinks we'll mess up and make her work double...not that we do it intentionally.
3. #2 brings me to this number because there are a lot of things that I should know how to do almost perfectly that I still don't know how to do because of my mother's reasoning (which also influences my dad a lot...)
4. Ever since I was a kiddo I have wanted to be a teacher. I also set my mind to get a scholarship and have tried to be as involved as I am witnesslly allowed to get my work's worth.
5. I tend to study people and things. This apparently was passed on from my mother to me. This is why I don't roll with big crowds as well. I'm not really the type to give second chances although I have done it twice in my life. I am also good at telling what type of person you are by the way you talk, walk, and do hand gestures. I will be 90% accurate as well.
6. I LOVE PINK
7. I am a girly girl...but I'm also not so good at this because I'm a nerd as well.
8. I don't smoke, drink, or have sex. I do have one addiction: Make-up.
9. Like every other teen-ager, I'm lazy, selfish, and weird. To top it off I am a very dramatic girl but I like to think of myself as being mature for my age. And yes, I can be a party pooper oh well get over it!
10. Many people have pointed out that I have a very cute high-pitched voice. NO I am not doing it on purpose to get attention.
11. I like to hug people but I don't like to be hugged. This originated back when I was still living in Mexico and my uncle liked to hug me and he smelled because he didn't shower.
12. Trust is a big thing for me. If you betray my trust it is the last thing you'll get back from me.
13. Depending on how big I think your secret is, is how much I will want to keep it. Sorry.
14. My teachers have over and over pointed out that I talk a lot. I do however know when to stay quiet.
15. Technology is my worst enemy. I loath it!!! Computers and I stopped talking when I was in third grade. We have never been able to make up since then.
16. Winne the Pooh is my most favorite Disney character EVER!!! Just to point out, I can be very childish, which brings lots of dis-balance to my life that depress me very easily.
17. My first language is Spanish. In fact, I speak it better than English which I have been speaking longer time now. When we went to school in Mexico, we used to get English class. I do not have an accent in either languages. I am currently trying to learn French but I don't like to speak it because a friend pointed out my "bad" accent....which I used to think was very good...This made me lose all my confidence about speaking French in front of people because I think they'll make a face as if I said something stupid or bad. Then I make myself feel humiliated...Which is ironic because my French classmates think I KNOW French like the back of my hand...
18. I tell a lot of things to my mom. By a lot I mean like stuff that a 'normal' teen-ager would never dare tell anyone!
19. I hate Texas. I also hate moving once I'm settled which makes me feel like I'll be stuck in Texas the rest of my life...BUT if I Were to move, I'd like to go to the east coast.
20. A while ago, I was very optimistic. Now I'm just looking to see the realistic ways of life.
21. This if probably the strangest thing about me but its also the most true. I don't like hanging out with people my age. In fact, I don't like or trust people my age. Usually my friends tend to be older and by older I don't mean like 50. I mean like from 3-8 years older.
22. I'm not confident about my body. I like to pretend that I am but I'm not good at it.
23. My life is like an open book...This is my biggest flaw because it is easy for people to take advantage of me. I just can't find the lock to my box so I have to deal with a lot of broken trust and feelings.
24. I like giving advice. In fact, I like to think I'm good at it. However, not a lot of people seek me for it...I also know why...hehehe
25. I remember everything. No I am not a stalker, I just pay a lot of attention to small details and people forget. My childhood memories are also very vivid thanks to this. Not long ago I developed one of my biggest fears...oh because I'm also afraid of pretty much everything (yes, I saw a psychologist when I was little)...yeah, so besides my phobia of snakes, my other biggest fear is to lose my memory. I think this is the most beautiful thing about humans because without it, there would be no life. Oh and I tend to get philosophical sometimes.
So there you have it. Love me, hate me, what ever.
1. I love writing. I love it passionately. However, I don't think I'm great at it. I think there are so many styles that I have yet to master...oh and I tend to have a lot of run-ons...hehehe
2. I like cooking. However, I tend to be limited by my parents because my mom doesn't like to let us do much. She thinks we'll mess up and make her work double...not that we do it intentionally.
3. #2 brings me to this number because there are a lot of things that I should know how to do almost perfectly that I still don't know how to do because of my mother's reasoning (which also influences my dad a lot...)
4. Ever since I was a kiddo I have wanted to be a teacher. I also set my mind to get a scholarship and have tried to be as involved as I am witnesslly allowed to get my work's worth.
5. I tend to study people and things. This apparently was passed on from my mother to me. This is why I don't roll with big crowds as well. I'm not really the type to give second chances although I have done it twice in my life. I am also good at telling what type of person you are by the way you talk, walk, and do hand gestures. I will be 90% accurate as well.
6. I LOVE PINK
7. I am a girly girl...but I'm also not so good at this because I'm a nerd as well.
8. I don't smoke, drink, or have sex. I do have one addiction: Make-up.
9. Like every other teen-ager, I'm lazy, selfish, and weird. To top it off I am a very dramatic girl but I like to think of myself as being mature for my age. And yes, I can be a party pooper oh well get over it!
10. Many people have pointed out that I have a very cute high-pitched voice. NO I am not doing it on purpose to get attention.
11. I like to hug people but I don't like to be hugged. This originated back when I was still living in Mexico and my uncle liked to hug me and he smelled because he didn't shower.
12. Trust is a big thing for me. If you betray my trust it is the last thing you'll get back from me.
13. Depending on how big I think your secret is, is how much I will want to keep it. Sorry.
14. My teachers have over and over pointed out that I talk a lot. I do however know when to stay quiet.
15. Technology is my worst enemy. I loath it!!! Computers and I stopped talking when I was in third grade. We have never been able to make up since then.
16. Winne the Pooh is my most favorite Disney character EVER!!! Just to point out, I can be very childish, which brings lots of dis-balance to my life that depress me very easily.
17. My first language is Spanish. In fact, I speak it better than English which I have been speaking longer time now. When we went to school in Mexico, we used to get English class. I do not have an accent in either languages. I am currently trying to learn French but I don't like to speak it because a friend pointed out my "bad" accent....which I used to think was very good...This made me lose all my confidence about speaking French in front of people because I think they'll make a face as if I said something stupid or bad. Then I make myself feel humiliated...Which is ironic because my French classmates think I KNOW French like the back of my hand...
18. I tell a lot of things to my mom. By a lot I mean like stuff that a 'normal' teen-ager would never dare tell anyone!
19. I hate Texas. I also hate moving once I'm settled which makes me feel like I'll be stuck in Texas the rest of my life...BUT if I Were to move, I'd like to go to the east coast.
20. A while ago, I was very optimistic. Now I'm just looking to see the realistic ways of life.
21. This if probably the strangest thing about me but its also the most true. I don't like hanging out with people my age. In fact, I don't like or trust people my age. Usually my friends tend to be older and by older I don't mean like 50. I mean like from 3-8 years older.
22. I'm not confident about my body. I like to pretend that I am but I'm not good at it.
23. My life is like an open book...This is my biggest flaw because it is easy for people to take advantage of me. I just can't find the lock to my box so I have to deal with a lot of broken trust and feelings.
24. I like giving advice. In fact, I like to think I'm good at it. However, not a lot of people seek me for it...I also know why...hehehe
25. I remember everything. No I am not a stalker, I just pay a lot of attention to small details and people forget. My childhood memories are also very vivid thanks to this. Not long ago I developed one of my biggest fears...oh because I'm also afraid of pretty much everything (yes, I saw a psychologist when I was little)...yeah, so besides my phobia of snakes, my other biggest fear is to lose my memory. I think this is the most beautiful thing about humans because without it, there would be no life. Oh and I tend to get philosophical sometimes.
So there you have it. Love me, hate me, what ever.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Outspoken
My sister lost her voice so this might not be a really long blog. Just the typical "I-have-a-thought-I'd-like-to-share". I don't think writing this in this way is the best thing to write this but since this is the only way I have then I will write it on this :)
hehe
I'm not good at making jokes...
hehe
Today we read this story in English and it made me reflect on my anger. I don't usually get angry but there are way to evade my patience which can be very lacking sometimes specially if altered...(like right now bc I'm having to stop my blogging... )Some days I just wish I could have stayed in bed...Everything is nice and peaceful in my bed with the exception of my crying nights which have diminished over the last few years.
Its been like what... two weeks since I started this blog so I don't really have the idea fresh in my mind anymore. I know where I was going but its just not the same. The point was I cannot believe there are people out there willing to be stepped on and not opening their mouths to speak up. I just think its preposterous. Like my sister doesn't talk as much as I do and of course she doesn't get the "Please stop talking; you're being annoying" comment all the time but when she does talk...
Take for instance our Senior Women shirts...Oh that will be one interesting blog!
ANYWAYS!
I just think its not right. People need to speak up. On another note, the other day I was just sitting in English waiting for the bell when all of a sudden I got this thought that kinda scared me. Its one of those things that occurred to me and when it did I was like "OMG did I just think that?" So the thing is kinda hard to explain (because I tried explaining it and the girls didn't understand me very well) so I will do my best to try to explain this.
As humans we create all kinds of memories. The brain has a Huge capacity, so incredible that we are not able to use all of it. Then I remembered that we as humans do not have memory, a solid one at least, until we are not like...5 I believe. Well the point is that before that age there are a few things here and there that we are able to remember but not the whole thing. Like we hear our parents talk about us when we were babies and all the cute things we did and the loving things they did to us but we don't remember those things. So what happens when our parents die? Do those memories die with them? After all, they are not ours technically? Is a memory something you witnesses and have conscience about? It felt so weird to think that one day I won't have someone to remind me what I was like as a baby...
It was like as if one day that part of me will not exist
I feel like crying now........................
Well the play starts in thirty minutes soooo until next time :)
hehe
I'm not good at making jokes...
hehe
Today we read this story in English and it made me reflect on my anger. I don't usually get angry but there are way to evade my patience which can be very lacking sometimes specially if altered...(like right now bc I'm having to stop my blogging... )Some days I just wish I could have stayed in bed...Everything is nice and peaceful in my bed with the exception of my crying nights which have diminished over the last few years.
Its been like what... two weeks since I started this blog so I don't really have the idea fresh in my mind anymore. I know where I was going but its just not the same. The point was I cannot believe there are people out there willing to be stepped on and not opening their mouths to speak up. I just think its preposterous. Like my sister doesn't talk as much as I do and of course she doesn't get the "Please stop talking; you're being annoying" comment all the time but when she does talk...
Take for instance our Senior Women shirts...Oh that will be one interesting blog!
ANYWAYS!
I just think its not right. People need to speak up. On another note, the other day I was just sitting in English waiting for the bell when all of a sudden I got this thought that kinda scared me. Its one of those things that occurred to me and when it did I was like "OMG did I just think that?" So the thing is kinda hard to explain (because I tried explaining it and the girls didn't understand me very well) so I will do my best to try to explain this.
As humans we create all kinds of memories. The brain has a Huge capacity, so incredible that we are not able to use all of it. Then I remembered that we as humans do not have memory, a solid one at least, until we are not like...5 I believe. Well the point is that before that age there are a few things here and there that we are able to remember but not the whole thing. Like we hear our parents talk about us when we were babies and all the cute things we did and the loving things they did to us but we don't remember those things. So what happens when our parents die? Do those memories die with them? After all, they are not ours technically? Is a memory something you witnesses and have conscience about? It felt so weird to think that one day I won't have someone to remind me what I was like as a baby...
It was like as if one day that part of me will not exist
I feel like crying now........................
Well the play starts in thirty minutes soooo until next time :)
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
A Special Pillow
There's no point in a human's life where it does something out of pure selfish desire. One does things for others all the time. A mother stops eating to feed her infant, a husband works to pay the bills, a friend lies to keep the hurtful truth from her friend. Honestly, I think that I'm at the most comfortable stage of my life.
The comfort spot.
But I'm scared. Every so often it happens. I get comfortable with a group of people; they become my world, my life, my friends. I don't use that word sparingly anymore. (Just like I don't like much to use the word love, but that is another story).
Friends and love. Two dangerous situations.
The problem about being in the comfort spot is that it doesn't last forever. Even if something is built upon the most perfect foundation, it will never last. In the end, there is some damage or it simply collapses; it shatters into a pile of dust, or worst, it becomes a memory.
Memories are just as fragile as promises.
I know that in ten years, I won't be in this comfort spot. So what does this comfort spot consist of?
It is made up of a group of people; it can simply be one or ten people. So far, I think we (my family) have had five comfort spots and we're currently down to the sixth. Why? For many reasons. Reasons that sometimes are comprehensible or just unavoidable, reasons that led to problems, reasons to be protected from what's coming, and reasons that hurt. That is the reason why I'm scared; there is always a reason or cause to dissolve the comfort spot.
I do believe however that this specific current one has been the most fun and guilt-free. No expectations. Total maturity balance, equal amounts of dedication, and specially, agreement. We agree and that is just as far as it goes and in the strange case that we don't agree, we leave it alone. But gosh has it been fun! So fun that I fear the day it might be over. I guess that's why they always say backup is needed. Except I don't want backup. I am attached once more and I love these people to death.
Recently, we had a 'little bump on the road.' As trust opens up little by little, more 'bumps' are beginning to show. It is in these cases where I feel I can see the end of the tunnel and I am nervous of what could be out there.
Now let's just say it actually lasts longer than what I think. Let's pretend it stays like that for a while longer. Well in less than a while longer, I won't belong to my family. So what's going to happen then? Will they keep doing what we normally do? Will they keep going out to early service? Will they cook on the weekends? Plan vacations? Hang out? Watch sports and get carried away? Play jokes on each other? Watch movies? Have awesome conversations? Have sleepovers? Go out to eat? Make fun of people? Get in trouble together? Give advice? Show off? Dare? Will the friendship prevail or will we just say "remember when we did that?"? Who will take our spot or their spot? To whom will my spot go to? In case that I leave, can I come back? Can I rejoin the fun?
I stop to picture my future. Then I think, "why can't I be like them in my future?" As in I want to be that fun couple. The one that knows all the good restaurants. The one that knows the fun and exiting hang out places, the ones that have seen all the movies, the ones who make crazy vacation plans. I want to be the couple that keeps up with technology and hangs out every weekend and does not care to be criticized because they say we don't invite other people to be with us when we actually did but no one cared to join us. I want to eat new, crazy, home-made food and lasagna. I want to be the couple that wakes up early on Saturdays to be at the gas station at seven in the morning. I want to be the couple that knows healthy and unhealthy, the one that knows the scores for the big games, the one that anyone can sleepover at their house anytime.
Yeah. I want to be someone else's comfort spot.
The comfort spot.
But I'm scared. Every so often it happens. I get comfortable with a group of people; they become my world, my life, my friends. I don't use that word sparingly anymore. (Just like I don't like much to use the word love, but that is another story).
Friends and love. Two dangerous situations.
The problem about being in the comfort spot is that it doesn't last forever. Even if something is built upon the most perfect foundation, it will never last. In the end, there is some damage or it simply collapses; it shatters into a pile of dust, or worst, it becomes a memory.
Memories are just as fragile as promises.
I know that in ten years, I won't be in this comfort spot. So what does this comfort spot consist of?
It is made up of a group of people; it can simply be one or ten people. So far, I think we (my family) have had five comfort spots and we're currently down to the sixth. Why? For many reasons. Reasons that sometimes are comprehensible or just unavoidable, reasons that led to problems, reasons to be protected from what's coming, and reasons that hurt. That is the reason why I'm scared; there is always a reason or cause to dissolve the comfort spot.
I do believe however that this specific current one has been the most fun and guilt-free. No expectations. Total maturity balance, equal amounts of dedication, and specially, agreement. We agree and that is just as far as it goes and in the strange case that we don't agree, we leave it alone. But gosh has it been fun! So fun that I fear the day it might be over. I guess that's why they always say backup is needed. Except I don't want backup. I am attached once more and I love these people to death.
Recently, we had a 'little bump on the road.' As trust opens up little by little, more 'bumps' are beginning to show. It is in these cases where I feel I can see the end of the tunnel and I am nervous of what could be out there.
Now let's just say it actually lasts longer than what I think. Let's pretend it stays like that for a while longer. Well in less than a while longer, I won't belong to my family. So what's going to happen then? Will they keep doing what we normally do? Will they keep going out to early service? Will they cook on the weekends? Plan vacations? Hang out? Watch sports and get carried away? Play jokes on each other? Watch movies? Have awesome conversations? Have sleepovers? Go out to eat? Make fun of people? Get in trouble together? Give advice? Show off? Dare? Will the friendship prevail or will we just say "remember when we did that?"? Who will take our spot or their spot? To whom will my spot go to? In case that I leave, can I come back? Can I rejoin the fun?
I stop to picture my future. Then I think, "why can't I be like them in my future?" As in I want to be that fun couple. The one that knows all the good restaurants. The one that knows the fun and exiting hang out places, the ones that have seen all the movies, the ones who make crazy vacation plans. I want to be the couple that keeps up with technology and hangs out every weekend and does not care to be criticized because they say we don't invite other people to be with us when we actually did but no one cared to join us. I want to eat new, crazy, home-made food and lasagna. I want to be the couple that wakes up early on Saturdays to be at the gas station at seven in the morning. I want to be the couple that knows healthy and unhealthy, the one that knows the scores for the big games, the one that anyone can sleepover at their house anytime.
Yeah. I want to be someone else's comfort spot.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Mediocrity
I think this summer has not been the best one. I still look back at the summer of '07 and smile. There was this feeling in the air that was almost palpable and with every day that went by, it became more beautiful. That summer a lot of things happened and some things I cannot seem to forget, specially some of the people that I met. I think it was in that summer that the most meaningful people entered into my heart.
By that time I also experienced great pain. To have someone so close and to lose them in a second was perhaps the worst thing any human can go through. I don't think I will ever have a summer like '07. Ever since then I think life has become a roller coaster; ups and downs but no returns. This also reminds me of a blog I wrote a little while ago about photographs and how they are frozen seconds in time. I started to think how in a few years I will not look like I do now. I thought about how some of the things, things that happened for the first time, will not ever give me that same feeling. Its like all of a sudden I felt time slap me in the face. All that time that has gone by!! Those 17 years of my life that I have not felt the change because I was the change.
I don't like to talk about summer of '08 because of how terrible it was and well...summer of '09 was a huge breakthrough of my life but still not so interesting.
I get this feeling like when you dry swallow a big pill. To think that all this time has gone by and I am not the same person physically or emotionally. How horrible it feels to only look back at our memories and as we close our eyes try to remember and feel what it was like to be there in that state of person. I will never look like I do now. I also don't think I will think the same. But inside of me I feel the same; which is the odd thing because I know for a fact that I'm not.
Like I said, this summer has been absolutely worthless. Nothing happened that was worth mentioning. Yeah I went to summer school to get ahead on credits. Yeah I tried (and actually still am at the moment) to finish up my french review workbook. And what is worse is that all the things that I had planned to do I didn't do. Like for example, we planned to go on vacation and nothing. Not even Galveston. I personally planned to read a lot this summer and I only read one book. Its felt like the longest summer. Not the most boring but that is thanks to a few people but definitely the most time-wasted.
I don't have the concentration-span. And I also don't have the resources. I have lately become more independent and if I can't do it by myself then I don't do it at all. I don't like to depend on people and I don't like people to depend on me. Yeah every now and then its ok but all the time...no. I don't think so. And that is the case of this summer. There was plenty of time but no will. Because that is the truth. I sit here and wait for something incredible to happen. Yeah well the only incredible thing that happened was that I cut my hair and even that I feel horrible about.
Sigh...and in the end...well we can't have it all.
By that time I also experienced great pain. To have someone so close and to lose them in a second was perhaps the worst thing any human can go through. I don't think I will ever have a summer like '07. Ever since then I think life has become a roller coaster; ups and downs but no returns. This also reminds me of a blog I wrote a little while ago about photographs and how they are frozen seconds in time. I started to think how in a few years I will not look like I do now. I thought about how some of the things, things that happened for the first time, will not ever give me that same feeling. Its like all of a sudden I felt time slap me in the face. All that time that has gone by!! Those 17 years of my life that I have not felt the change because I was the change.
I don't like to talk about summer of '08 because of how terrible it was and well...summer of '09 was a huge breakthrough of my life but still not so interesting.
I get this feeling like when you dry swallow a big pill. To think that all this time has gone by and I am not the same person physically or emotionally. How horrible it feels to only look back at our memories and as we close our eyes try to remember and feel what it was like to be there in that state of person. I will never look like I do now. I also don't think I will think the same. But inside of me I feel the same; which is the odd thing because I know for a fact that I'm not.
Like I said, this summer has been absolutely worthless. Nothing happened that was worth mentioning. Yeah I went to summer school to get ahead on credits. Yeah I tried (and actually still am at the moment) to finish up my french review workbook. And what is worse is that all the things that I had planned to do I didn't do. Like for example, we planned to go on vacation and nothing. Not even Galveston. I personally planned to read a lot this summer and I only read one book. Its felt like the longest summer. Not the most boring but that is thanks to a few people but definitely the most time-wasted.
I don't have the concentration-span. And I also don't have the resources. I have lately become more independent and if I can't do it by myself then I don't do it at all. I don't like to depend on people and I don't like people to depend on me. Yeah every now and then its ok but all the time...no. I don't think so. And that is the case of this summer. There was plenty of time but no will. Because that is the truth. I sit here and wait for something incredible to happen. Yeah well the only incredible thing that happened was that I cut my hair and even that I feel horrible about.
Sigh...and in the end...well we can't have it all.
Friday, July 23, 2010
My Life Revolves Around High Heels
The reason why I'm writing this blog is because I have come across this subject so much lately that I thought I might take the time to think about the depth of the situation. It really has come out that there is only one way that this subject can be observed: culturally.
I think culture is one of the most beautiful gems that humanity possesses. It makes each and every one of us different and there really is not a better culture. All cultures are unique and mysterious because what is normal to one country is disrespectful in another. So the question is how do we all get to a midpoint?
A while ago I was asked to explain my political position. Of course I explained that I was neutral and that the government I support is not terrestrial, but it gave me something to think about. It was one of those moments where I just feel like thinking and rubbing those neurons of mine. I came up with a set of words to describe my way of thinking. ***Culturally speaking as well!<----
I follow two authorities. The holy and the head. The holy I follow out of love. The head I follow out of command. If I could I would probably be the most dependent woman alive. I do not like and have never liked to depend on absolutely anyone or anything. Not for money, not for rides, not for shelter, not even for my basic necessities. What is there now is gone tomorrow. Of course if I am made to be submissive I, in exchange, demand to be paid for. Literally. Not like I'm trying to be cheap, but, for example I am expected to help around the house (clean cook etc) as well as being a good student and Witness so I expect that I will not have to pay when we go out. I expect to be driven to where ever I need to go. Its a matter that I see it as if I give I get. When I am no longer expected to do all that then I will contribute to myself. Let this not be mistaken with greed because I also do not care how much I spend on gifts or when there is a need.
I think of it as a butterfly.
If I am kept in a cage I expect to have lots of room to fly freely, I expect to be fed and taken care of. I in return, I will not die. If I am expected to feed myself I will not hesitate to die. I am as free as my wings spread. If you tie my wings you will get a very vicious and angry butterfly that will fight to the very last breath for freedom.
This one is a little more complicated. As mentioned above, I love culture. I respect, value and learn from other cultures. There is not a single culture that I don't like. I adapt and that is the big issue here. Adaptation is part of the basics of humans; it keeps us alive. There are a lot of things that I am ok with and will not be offended by if another culture practices it. I however, do not like to be made to stop practicing my culture because it offends others. The information has been very clear when given to us. We need to respect. Some people, for example, are offended by women who greet men with kisses and vice versa. Or when dancing with people that you're not married with (in the case that it is a complete stranger I can understand, but when its someone you know well and have a long friendship with then that I accept). There is a difference of not doing these to not be a stumbling stone to the new and to be an excuse to be blamed on for an immature person.
Simply put, if people are gonna adapt to me, I will adapt to them.
Respect is the key. Think of the Scottish kilt. To the world, a kilt that is a skirt, and men are not supposed to wear skirts. Supposed to does not mean it must be that way. If the Scottish were to pay attention to the insults made by ignorant close-minded people, the culture would be lost. Strange things to the eyes of ignorant men should not demolish a culture.
"No culture is the best culture. Take the best out of all of them" and this does not make anyone any different.
I think culture is one of the most beautiful gems that humanity possesses. It makes each and every one of us different and there really is not a better culture. All cultures are unique and mysterious because what is normal to one country is disrespectful in another. So the question is how do we all get to a midpoint?
A while ago I was asked to explain my political position. Of course I explained that I was neutral and that the government I support is not terrestrial, but it gave me something to think about. It was one of those moments where I just feel like thinking and rubbing those neurons of mine. I came up with a set of words to describe my way of thinking. ***Culturally speaking as well!<----
- Liberal
I follow two authorities. The holy and the head. The holy I follow out of love. The head I follow out of command. If I could I would probably be the most dependent woman alive. I do not like and have never liked to depend on absolutely anyone or anything. Not for money, not for rides, not for shelter, not even for my basic necessities. What is there now is gone tomorrow. Of course if I am made to be submissive I, in exchange, demand to be paid for. Literally. Not like I'm trying to be cheap, but, for example I am expected to help around the house (clean cook etc) as well as being a good student and Witness so I expect that I will not have to pay when we go out. I expect to be driven to where ever I need to go. Its a matter that I see it as if I give I get. When I am no longer expected to do all that then I will contribute to myself. Let this not be mistaken with greed because I also do not care how much I spend on gifts or when there is a need.
I think of it as a butterfly.
If I am kept in a cage I expect to have lots of room to fly freely, I expect to be fed and taken care of. I in return, I will not die. If I am expected to feed myself I will not hesitate to die. I am as free as my wings spread. If you tie my wings you will get a very vicious and angry butterfly that will fight to the very last breath for freedom.
- Social
This one is a little more complicated. As mentioned above, I love culture. I respect, value and learn from other cultures. There is not a single culture that I don't like. I adapt and that is the big issue here. Adaptation is part of the basics of humans; it keeps us alive. There are a lot of things that I am ok with and will not be offended by if another culture practices it. I however, do not like to be made to stop practicing my culture because it offends others. The information has been very clear when given to us. We need to respect. Some people, for example, are offended by women who greet men with kisses and vice versa. Or when dancing with people that you're not married with (in the case that it is a complete stranger I can understand, but when its someone you know well and have a long friendship with then that I accept). There is a difference of not doing these to not be a stumbling stone to the new and to be an excuse to be blamed on for an immature person.
Simply put, if people are gonna adapt to me, I will adapt to them.
Respect is the key. Think of the Scottish kilt. To the world, a kilt that is a skirt, and men are not supposed to wear skirts. Supposed to does not mean it must be that way. If the Scottish were to pay attention to the insults made by ignorant close-minded people, the culture would be lost. Strange things to the eyes of ignorant men should not demolish a culture.
"No culture is the best culture. Take the best out of all of them" and this does not make anyone any different.
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