Sleepless Nights

Exiting news people! Coldplay has a new song and its very pretty :) Its called Every Teardrop is a Waterfall. Here's the link to its awesomeness

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Kf_6BWcOOg&feature=youtu.be

So its been like two months that I can't sleep. By this I mean I literally can't fall and stay asleep. Here's how my typical night/day goes (I will use the example of me being in school because its easier that way. Oh yes I graduated BTW)

It's ten PM and I'm getting ready for bed. I brush my teeth and put on my pjs. I lay in bed. I will lay there for two hours at least. I'll sit there and think and think and think. The person who had been texting me from earlier is also awake and since I can't sleep we'll text. At about one AM I'll get sleepy and shut my eyes. At about four AM I will wake up in a cold sweat. Again at about five, I'll start waking up because since four I've been half asleep and half conscious. Then I start dreaming crazyness and in my dreams I'll know I'm dreaming so I tell myself to wake up just before my alarm goes off. I get up super tired but drag myself to school. During first period I fight to not fall asleep unlike third period; which when I get a chance I will put my head down and crash. By lunch I feel ok but again in fifth period I will fight very very hard to not fall asleep, but when the lesson is over, again I put my head down waiting for the bell. As soon as I come home I can't take it anymore so again, I lay in bed and sleep until my dad comes home which is about four PM. Then I'll wake up from a sleep that was almost perfect. After that it just go back to the beginning. That bloody half sleep.

So during one of these nights not long ago, I was texting a friend. It started off early in the evening but by the time I got to bed I was kinda into the conversation so I waited for the text replies as I do for everyone with long intervals (this is what I call it when someone takes long to reply). So in between all those intervals I got into my thinking. I used to believe that I couldn't sleep because my thoughts distracted me, but it turns out that its a medicine I have to take and my doctor just doubled my dosage. I wish it was one of those medicines that was almost optional to take, like my old acne stuff, but this I have to take it. So anyways, I got into my thinking; and let me just clarify that that night it was very, very hot and I couldn't even stay in one position for long. "What are you thinking about??? If you stop thinking then sleeping will come much easier." I wish it were that easy.

When no one is around and all I hear is the sound of silence, my loudest thoughts fill my mind. They are not very happy thoughts though. Its mostly stress and things I have to do. Then all that gets mixed up with things that happened during the day. To finalize my thoughts, I get very wrapped up....


This blog shall not be finished. In fact what I was going to tell you shall be left unmentioned. This is what I will do, DELETE THAT CONVERSATION FROM MY PHONE. Because it was stupid to get carried away and let hope dig into my soul that maybe something good could come out of it. All I know is that this is the last time I have sympathy over a stranger.

Coffee Break

First order of business, I WON A SCHOLARSHIP!!!!!!!!!!!! And I got to exempt all my finals. Happy face!
Second, I've been a little annoyed with a certain situation as some of you may be aware of. Certainly you will agree, reader, that an instigator is a person who provokes a situation. Therefore, all I have to say is that I am not an instigator, I'm just tired of being told that I'm a selfish, conceited you-know-what. And I'm sorry, but I will no longer be the better person. Obviously I know that people will give their opinion in the matter and that is totally fine, but just like everyone, I have a breaking point and sorry but no more nice-lady.
Third, and to the point: DANCING

The reason I chose to write about this is because of this previous weekend (along with many others in which I've repeatedly realized this). I've come to the conclusion that there are two types of dancing

• Feeling

This is honestly the only way that dancing is truly enjoyed and honored. For many, many centuries cultures have developed dances to communicate the way they feel about certain things, therefore, when we hear a certain song, a special feeling arises within us. It can even bring back memories or produce strange emotions. When one dances with feeling, the song is truly enjoyed and so is the dancing. Its like synchronizing body movement with the notes of the song. Once you get the hang of dancing, the next step is to learn to identify the rhythms so that when dancing, the movements are natural and flowing. Flow! That's a big thing about dancing; when there is flow there is no fear of messing up. It's as if the music was guiding your every step and every turn. Whether its fast or slow, it will just come naturally, like breathing. YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT IT, YOU JUST DO IT! And that is the beauty of dancing. Forgetting about everyone else and just communicating with the audience in silent steps of happiness. Because truly, dancing with feeling produces happiness above all other things.

• Rhythmically Moving

Not everyone can dance, but everyone can learn to rhythmically move. But most of the time that looks like you have something stabbing your legs. The steps are off, the movement is awkward, the turns are too fast or too crazy. Rhythmically moving is worthy of admiration. It is bad enough to get the nerve to dance, specially when you don't know what to do. However, when Rhythmical Movement is archived, everything else SEEMS like a piece of cake. This type of dancing is the one that everyone first learns, because without it, you just don't have a clue. Your body moves with a beat and with counts. One two step one two step one two turn. That may seems like dancing and it actually CAN be good dancing, but it doesn't taste the same. You can't get into the song and there's no flow or natural movement. Rhythmical Movement is very ok and "passable" because it is, after all, dancing.

Besides these two there's no other way. Its either you know or you don't. Some people have an innate ability and they learn to feel the music almost at the same time as they are learning to rhythmically move. Those are the people that are so enjoyable to just simply watch. Of course if you are one of those people, well, even better. KUDOS.

Aabboouutt me. I'm not gonna sit here and pretend like this is just simple criticism, its not. Simply, it is my opinion based on observation. I've been to many kinds of parties and, some just piss me off; others don't. The ones that piss me off are the ones where there is no one that dances with feeling. The ones that don't are the ones where there are people that rhythmically move. So where do I stand? I think I'm in a midline. This is going to sound very conceited, but I won't lie. I do struggle in some genres more than with others. But I get dancing very well and I have a very high criticism of who I dance with...unless I have no choice. I like dancing with certain people more than with others, and why shouldn't I if I tend to get into the "feeling"? When a person who feels and one that rhythmically moves join together, you get a very enjoyable dance. When you get two that feel, now, that's what I'm talking about!

I guess I'm very disappointed in what I've seen the last couple of days. I really like dancing, I mean, hello I'm a teen! I made it my goal to learn and I did, what I didn't learn was to lose the fear. I admit it. Dancing with a stranger makes me nervous because I don't know what to expect. Then again, I don't usually turn down anyone...unless its like some old man that I've never seen in my life (which actually did happen to me...TWICE). I also like to teach people to dance but then again, in the Latin culture, it takes two to Tango, so I can only do so much. Its gotten to the point where I think that one of the features of my future husband is that he knows how to dance. That he LIKES dancing. I won't dream too far and expect a Mr. Dancing wit the Stars, but if its something that I enjoy so much, then he's got to have it. He's out there somewhere looking for me, our paths just haven't quite met. Yet.

Not One More Time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DYoUk8FKnA&feature=fvwrel

Talves no sabes cuanto te ame

Yo te ame,
Te adore,
No te quiero ve ie ier.

Y sufri,
Hasta el fin,
No te quiero ve ie ier
Duramos una noche amando
Y la otra peleando

Quisiera llorar

Fiction

If I were to sit here and type out every single thought that is in my mind right now, I would end up creating a really BIG mess out of this blog. So reader, I have a question for you. Why do you read these lines? Lately, I have been acting a lot on impulse, something that I had grown out of. Last year, last school year, I believe it was the last time I acted on the instincts of my gutt. It's never gotten me into any trouble, and yay for me because it actually had worked until then. Actually, a dear friend of mine was the one that pointed it out. Apparently I was causing...uhm...nerve wrecks. But anyways, this is the only way I find it appropriate to settle this issue in my mind. Marmalade Boy Style.


"Miki what's wrong?"
"Huh? Oh its nothing Meiko! Was I acting distracted? Well I didn't mean to, I was just thinking."
"Oh I see..."
"No really Meiko I'm fine!"
"Miki. Stop lying to yourself. What are you going to do about Ginta?"
"Oh Meiko...I thought I sounded convincing. I really don't know. I know I couldn't make up my mind, but it's been so long since we...well you know. And I still can't bring myself to face him. Sometimes, I want him to notice me, but then I think of all the pain he's in and it makes me want to disappear from the whole face of the earth. And well, him being friends with Yuu and..."
"Arimi. She's got you all upset. It's her huh?"
"Yes...Meiko, Yuu is her ex! And well...She's my-"
"Miki. Stop thinking about it so much. Yes it's true that you and Arimi are friends but what kind of friendship do you call it? Is it a close friendship?"
"Well..."
"Miki, when are you going to start asking yourself what YOU want? When is that going to be important? You are always so concerned about not hurting anyone else that you forget about your own feelings. Think about it. When you and Ginta started having issues what happened? I suggested that you guys take a break from each other and may I remind you that you stopped talking to me for a whole week. The idea simply upset you so much as to the point of being so mad at me."
"Meiko this is different though..."
"How so? Last time I checked, the one that was acting different with you was Yuu. What about the things he tells you that startle you?"
"OH MEIKO! I just don't like to even remember all those things! It's like, every time I remember...I get this feeling in my gutt that I just don't know what to think! I don't get it Meiko! Why does he do that? Why would he ask me not to fall for him and then he says all those things to make me notice him? What is it that triggers all those thoughts in his head? He's always there, even if I were to try to ignore him, well it's so hard because we live in the same house! But then again, when I do talk to him, I feel good about myself. He makes me want to talk to him and I get so exited and happy and...and... Just what exactly is he thinking to say those things?!?!"
"Why don't you ask him..."
"Because...I don't know...I'm scared I guess..."
"I suppose you don't want to lose his friendship? Or better yet, to make it akward."
"Yeah...I guess so... You see, Ginta, well, I felt good with him, but things were far better when well, we were just friends. Then it got to the point where I knew he wasn't telling me things because he honestly thought them so, but because he felt it was his duty as a...as my...oh Meiko"
"Overthinking this is not going to get you anywhere. And if Yuu really means something serious behind all that secrecy then let it come on its own. I'm sure it will all make sense."
"Yeah...I suppose you're right Mieko. Well I better get going."
"Oh and Miki, be honest with yourself. For once face your emotions, don't let them get a hold of you."
"Thanks Meiko."

21 Reasons to not be in a Love Triangle (or any other geometric shape)

I don't usually obsess over anything, but, I am only human and I do have my little secret hidden obsessions. One is make-up, but that was a given. Writing of course is a little too OBVIOUS. But there is one that not a lot of people know about. I am into the shojo and bishi characters...yes, I like mangas and animes. It all started with Marmalade Boy...which turned into Kare Kano and Fruit Baskets and D.N.Angel and Hott Gimmick and well you get the point...
But Marmalade Boy is my favorite of all times!!! And since its My first Anime love, I think I should commemorate the feelings I get every time I watch it. Because every time I watch it, I still get butterflies in my stomach and it makes me want to go out there and MAKE SOME DRAMA!!!

Ok just kidding. So without further ado, here are 21 reasons to not want to be in a love triangle. It's only fair that I introduce the characters to you that I will be using as an example. First there is Miki, the female protagonist; the story is about her. Then, there is Yuu (pronounced 'you'), the male protagonist; the drama is about him. There is also Meiko, Miki's bff and Ginta who loves Miki. Lastly, there is Arimi, who likes Yuu...

Reason Number one

Being in a love triangle sucks because there is a lot of drama involved. Miki, for example, is constantly involved in drama because she used to like Ginta who ended up rejecting her to look good in front of his friends but really actually liked Miki.

Reason Number two

You are constantly confused about your feelings. This is very common in Miki because she cannot decide whether she likes Yuu or Ginta.

Reason Number four

One person will always come out hurt. In a love triangle, it is very clear that there are three people involved and that meas that one will not get chosen. Sometimes, however, there can be more people involved, but mainly there will be three people. Arimi and Yuu used to date, so Arimi is at constant war with Miki trying to get Yuu to like her, but the real problem lies with Ginta when Arimi tries to use him to make Miki jealous and give up on Yuu.

Reason Number five

Comparing the implicated is almost impossible. Eventually you start to think "well this person is like this but this person is like this", no longer are they individuals.

Reason Number six

I assure you that 9 out of ten times, one of the people will be someone you have been friends with for a long time. This in the end will only kill the friendship. In Miki's case, she had been Ginta's friend for a looooong time, but in the end, they couldn't just be friends.

Reason Number seven

The person you choose will love you and the other person will hate you. This will hurt 20 times more and it will make you think over and over again that you hurt someone that really honestly cared about you and who you cared about. Not a cool thing because you end up thinking more about the person you ditched than the person you chose. In Yuu's case, he had Arimi, who is always wherever he's at...for some odd reason...

Reason Number eight

The people involved argue a lot. Its not like they mean to purposely argue, its that they are constantly irritated by the fact that at any time, one person is gonna get dropped. Ginta and Yuu argue a lot, its mostly because Yuu and Miki live together and he doesn't know why.

Reason Number nine

Emotions flare. Not only are they irritated all the time, but they are sad and happy and everything. It's like they all become bipolar PMSing girls. Miki cries all the time but has to put a happy face constantly. Her friend Meiko knows every time Miki is faking it, which in the end is not healthy for anyone.

Reason Number ten

Unstableness. I realize this is not a word but I don't want to use another one. It seems like when people are in a love triangle, all they think of is that emotional mess they have to deal with. Ginta almost lost a tennis match due to his unstableness.

Reason Number eleven

Fights. Fights. Fights. Boys are experts at trying to beat up each other. They are also very good at not realizing how hurtful this is on girls. We are not animals where it is accepted that two males battle to the death for a female...Unacceptable.

Reason Number twelve

You can't go back to the other person. Once you made your pick, its over. This scenario is not your typical, break-up, move-on deal. This is a little more sensitive because in the first place, your feelings were not straight so the ditched person will either hate you or want you back...but its just worse because the three people will always be informed of what goes on in the relationship and that is just plain awkward.

Reason Number thirteen

You think when is it time to give up? Once it just takes for ever for the person to decide who she (in this case I'm referring to the two boys/one girl case but it can be One boy/two girls...) will choose, someone will start to loose hope. But this hope is fed everyday by the thought that if you persist, she will chose you. Arimi eventually has to give up because it is very obvious that she doesn't have a chance.

Reason Number fourteen

You think when is time to move on? This is, in my opinion, the hardest reason. Ginta thinks all the time, when will he be able to move on. It's hard for him because he's in the tennis team with Miki and they are classmates, so he can't avoid her. When it's time for him to get a girlfriend, he wonders if he really is over Miki and will it ruin his chances of being with her in the future.

Reason Number fifteen

Breaking up with the chose person can make the ditched person think its their turn. This is illogical and logical at the same time because the person that didn't get chosen always has hope deep down inside. The real question is, would it work?? NO! Miki had a horrible time with this actually because by the time the series gets to this point, it is no longer a triangle, it's more like a...pentagon...

Reason Number sixteen

The pressure to choose is constant. The person that has to choose has to live with the decision she(he)takes. It won't be an easy one but most likely, it will be the right time and worth the pressure. But really, who likes pressure!?!

Reason Number seventeen

If you mess up choosing it will be over for all three people. Realizing this is probably the hardest thing about the break-up. Two options, one result; if it doesn't work with one, it does not mean it will work wit the other one. This brings me back to reason number twelve.

Reason Number eighteen

People tend to talk about your relationship status. Nowadays, this takes place mostly on social networks because the first think people will point out is your changed relationship status. I'm anti-relationship statuses because when it's changed, people are morbidly nosy. It can't be helped. Miki had to deal with tons and tons of gossip thanks to Arimi but in the end, she just had to learn to trust Yuu.

Reason Number nineteen

Tons of more jealousy. When you like two people and can't make up your mind about one, there is a problem. When you chose one, you live with the idea that the person you are with, will one day be in your previous position and NOT chose you. Yuu for the very obvious reasons, is very popular and lots of girls try to steal him away. Same with Miki. Not a good place to be in.

Reason Number twenty

Prone to sensitivity. This is a girl's favorite. The trust issues that lead to unavoidable tears. Just to point out, Miki, Arimi, Meiko, and all the other girls that make up the other geometric shapes of love cry ALL THE TIME!!!

Reason Number twenty one

Triangles suck.

So there you have it. 21 reasons why being in a triangle, or any other geometric shape, sucks. It really honestly does!!! But you know what reader??? Marmalade Boy DOES NOT SUCK!!!

My Neverending Story

this was me this morning -> ~_~
this was me this afternoon -> ^_^
this is me right now -> >_<+++

I need a car. I need a car to get a job. I need a car to get a job to get out of this place. In the end, I need a car...

Hold on to your butts, it gets better.

I need to be driven to the DPS office to get my license so that I can drive legally and get a job to pay for insurance. I need to have insurance to drive. I need a job to buy a car. I need a car to drive to work to have money to buy things. I need to buy things to stop worrying about whether I'm broke or not. I need a job to buy me clothes. I need a car to drive to the store. I need a job to pay gas.

Gas keeps giving me a heart attack...

I need a car to drive to school. I need to drive to school to get an education. I need an education so that I can have a better job. I need a better job so that I can have medical insurance. I need medical insurance to avoid dying of swine flu. I need a job to pay for my education. And once again, I need a car to have a job.

I need a job to pay for a laptop. I need a laptop to do homework. I need a job to pay for internet. I need internet to do my homework. Oh and again, I need a car to drive to work to pay for these things. I also need a phone. I need a phone to communicate. I need to communicate to not be a loner and to call costumer service.

Lastly, I need a car to drive to MY APARTMENT. I need MY APARTMENT to live in peace. I need to live in peace in MY APARTMENT to not be stressed. I need a job to pay MY APARTMENT. I need a lot of things, but most importantly, I need a car to have a job to pay for clothes to not be naked, to pay for food so I won't starve, to pay for an education so I can have a better job that gives me insurance, and to pay for a laptop, internet and my phone.

Here's my one little problem, I've been 18 for 15 days, almost 16 days. I've been driving with my permit for 10 months. But! I have not been taken to the DPS to get my license so that I can drive. If I could drive, I could get a job!!! If I could get a job, I could pay for things!! If I could pay for things, I could go to places and and and and...

*small pause*

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! GGGGAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! AAAAARRRRGGGGG!!!!!!!!!


LAKEFOIEksofiekkjIKLA;OIDF EIJD JAOE KSEJIESJKF;ASIEFJ ;ISERKSJFD OIIEFKDJFIE ASKDJFIOEJKSADJFISERLKEkj;Ijkjifaksejaisjfkseijakf ia isak isjfalsfiejkadioasek aisr taha thws disojiek ghatkjakdijsj!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If it were not for the person I'm texting right now...I would have ripped my hair out!!! This is me right now because I don't have a car -> >_<+++

*Note: Its not like I'm asking for a 2012 Lamborghini, I don't even care if the stinkin' car has AC/Heater. Here's what I'm asking for: a car with Seatbelts, Airbags, and working breaks. Of course, I do have a preference of a Volkswagen Beetle (Pink preferably but I'll take any color), but at the moment, after I get my education, I can buy me any car I want.

18.4 - I no longer trust my neighbor's cat

Writing brings back memories; so does reading.

This last weekend I was stuck home doing nothing productive and I decided to dig in my bookshelf. My mistake. I found this notebook from freshman year and I'm going to tell you all about it because what are the chances that anyone will read this besides maybe the girl who cried wolf? My freshman year was not my biggest mistake but it was my most dramatic year. I met a lot of people that year that I love to death but I also met some that I wish didn't even exist. Yes that is horrible but I can't help the way I feel right now. Right now. Right now is a moment when I feel as if every waterfall had been turned upside down, as if gravity had reversed the flow of the river and everything was going the opposite direction. Right now I want to jump off an airplane and let gravity suck me into the depths of this miserable Earth. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to sound suicidal or anything of the sort.

Four year ago, I was a lost freshman who had no experience in anything. I trusted EVERYONE and thought EVERYONE was the nicest. I wanted to be friends with EVERYONE. Of course anyone that knows me well enough now knows that I'm the most cynical person ever. I really was so naive that the word is a fraction of a description of how stupid I was. I'm going to be honest and say that I felt something very close to love that year and I know that I also learned what it was to lose something in a second.

One. Second. Now. I. Have. It. Now. Its. Gone.

That spiral that I found in my bookshelf has a story to tell about three friends. Three friends that stood by each other and adviced each other and loved each other with a friendship that was so honest and clean. We each had our ways of trying to figure out one thing; love. In between all the drama, catfights, and gossip, we learned to hate each other. We didn't mean to, it just happened. It went kind of like this: a child is told to move because he's about to get run over by a car but the child thinks he's too smart and can wait until the last second to move. Oops, too late.

The time that I spent with those two other girls made me learn to respect one of them only. Just one. Why? Because she was sincere. She never lied to get attention or told me crazy money stories. Forgiving is one thing, trust is another.

I won't use the whole cliche of "I forgave you but the scar reminds me of what you did" because its stupid. Here's what worries me, that a friend turns into a backstabber. What would be the one thing that would shatter me beyond pieces??? Not that I may find out that a backstabber can turn people into more backstabbers, but that a friend was not really a friend after all.

I like that word. BACKSTABBERS! It sounds funny in my mouth.

Well, I read back and can only see the good stuff and smile for a second. Too bad it turned out to be a dirty little lie, otherwise, we'd still be the three musketeers. On the other hand this just goes to prove that even though I've been 18 for 4 days, I still don't feel like an adult.