Testosterone and Male Periods

It's true. I'm not even kidding. Every time I hear it, I realize how true it is even though I've never taken the time to research it. Males have periods too. Let me tell you about my weekend. So these friends invited us to go with them to a little town in near Austin so that we could give encouragement to the local congregation who was affected by the wildfires. To be honest it could have been more relaxing had we not spent so much time driving. When we first got invited I was really exited, I mean I've always wanted to preach in goat/cow territory. We have some territory like that but its not as rural. Well when we got permission it was all great and dandy until I realized that I was going to go out of town without my parents for the first time.

I couldn't tell you if it hut or not when my real umbilical chord was cut, but this time to know that I would be so far away from my mom made my stomach queezy. Not kidding. This was the first time that I slept away form my parents, my mom, and in another city! I won't lie...when I said goodbye I literally almost cried.

Now and again I think about changing my name. My mom likes to over use it....soooo I won't tell her when I change it only because then she will wear out that one too. Like right now, I'm trying to write this but then she keeps telling me to do stuff and I'm like oh my gosh.

Today I have a party to go to. I decided that I'm going to give everyone a second chance to prove me wrong. I want to be proven that inside of everyone there is some goodness and that people are capable of being genuinely good. About four years ago my sister and I wanted to throw this party. Back then we were not aware of the fact that there was a difference between a gathering, a hang out, and a party. To us, it was all the same. I remember getting all exited and inviting all these new friends I had made... oh yeah, I remember, it was after Ike hit and we had been working in the relief committee. Well, after that time, I wanted to have a get together. But then, my mom who was also exited about all these new people decided that she wanted to have to have music to dance....that all went wrong.

First mistake was that I had never been to a house party so we had no idea how the atmosphere was suppposed to roll.

Second mistake was that I let my mom controll the whole thing.

Third mistake was that I didn't invite enough people.

Fourth mistake was that I made too much food.

Fifth mistake was that I had planned for things to go one way but it all didn't happen because no one really showed up and then some people were late.

Sixth mistake was that I actually thought that we were going to dance....

Man, do I regret having lived that day. Ever since that day I do not let my mom organize my events. I also invite a lot of people or none at all. Tomorrow I shall try this again. Except this time I will actually invite a lot of people, in fact, everyone! I don't ever want to go through that kind of humiliation. Even if it doesn't all go the way I want it to go I don't care. At least I will know that I tried.

Here's my next new reflexion: Having all the money in the world blinds appreciation and effort. I don't know what its like to be rich, I've been very close to knowing it and as a third party observer, I don't want that to be my life. I LOVE my job, I love working and living out of my hard work. All my life I've seen all kinds of people work their butts to get just the simplest things in life, and that as a result is plain satisfaction. When I pay school out of pocket without the government adding money to my pocket it makes me feel proud and study harder. One time I was told I would never be able to pay school on my own and I would eventually not finish and I would have to no matter what get grants. When I heard that, I believed it. Now I think its the biggest piece of booty that I've heard. I can do anything I want in any way I manage. Really I'm unstoppable and no man on this earth will get in my way.

Dreams and Reality

I'm out of school so I decided to blog about two dreams that I had last night. The first one I can understand because I was watching The Mentalist last night and it was about a firefighter who was murdered. He was supposed to be a super hero guy and it turned out that the guy he saved from a fire was the one that killed him. So the first part of my dream was a little like that...well something was on fire. I was living in some time of medieval castles or something was the castle, or more like a really big house made of stone, was in the middle of a prairie. My family and I were hiding and then out of nowhere I was getting butter from something outside and I saw smoke, and then everything got really scary because some people that didn't like us were putting fire all around the big stone house, and I freaked out but my dad put out the fire with a tiny sprinkle of water. But I was really scared. Like crying and screaming.

When I was little and living in my little Mexico, my neighborhood was on fire. I don't remember anything except that I woke up at some time in the middle of the night and the first thing I saw was a painting, so I freaked out because I knew I wasn't home. I called out for my mom and got no response and soon the lights came on. I was definitely not home. My mom appeared and I realized we were in the living room of some house with a bunch of other kids. The owner of the house gave us white bread "para el susto" (up till now I still don't understand why...). Then my mom explained to me that everything was ok and I should go back to sleep. The next day I found out what really happened.

Apparently one of the boxes that are on top of the light posts exploded. It was a very big bang according to my parents who were about to go to bed when they heard it. They tried to get us out of the house but the "saguan" or gate was too hot and my dad couldn't open it. Technically we were stuck and could have died, but the way my house was built in Mexico was two houses in L shape put together but not joined on the inside, so our neighbors had opened a door that was attached to the gate and we were able to get out. My mom says that the neighbor mom was freaking out and one of her babies nearly died. They had to throw the baby out the window to save it or something like that...Well, I'm glad that all throughout all that commotion, I was asleep, and so was my sister, well she managed to wake up a little and peek out the blanket she was wrapped in. I don't think she remembers anything but red all over. My dad says that a man burned his hand because a car was going backwards and it was on fire and he tried to stop it with his hand...I think he's an idiot but in cases like that, panic overtakes your actions and its hard to say who's acting out of idiocy and who is acting out of fear.

My second dream must have been tied to my first because I still remember the stone house in some faint way. I needed to get married, I don't know why, but I did. So I was with a very good friend of mine, my best friend (I think) and my sister. We were looking through a yearbook of some kind and I remember asking about all the boys there. But you see, they were high school boys, not boys my age. So then I apparently picked one, I don't know why but I did, I guess I thought I would have time to meet him or fall in love with him, but I was so busy planning the wedding and I forgot who I was going to marry. So the day of the wedding my friend was doing my hair and we started to talk about the guy and I couldn't remember who I picked or why I picked him and no one wanted to tell me, so I began to freak out in a way I have never freaked out before in real life. I literally cried for hours with my mom and she was trying to get this fear out of me but then she said, this is the guy you're going to marry because you picked him, and then I asked if I was allowed to change my mind because I was really scared and not ready to get married to a stranger that I couldn't even remember why I picked him. She said I didn't have to do it so a few hours before the wedding, it got canceled. Then I cried and cried with my mom. Then I tried asking people why I was going to get married and no one would tell me! Then I got tired of the mystery so I woke up.

I don't know why I dreamed this but I'm very stressed out. Like I don't know why but I feel out of breath and I want so badly to know why I needed to get married. What I think about this dream is that I'm scared of getting married to someone that I think I'm in love with and then turns out that I'm not. I don't know...marriage is a big deal, one that you can't get out of so easily. Its a lifetime thing. Like...who in the world am I going to give my life to??? What kind of stranger will I share a life with??? I think that I'm very happy right now being single and enjoying all the freedom that goes with it, but one day I would like to meet someone and be so in love that I won't have a doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with. By the rest of my life, I literally mean forever, a time that is a very long time...its like forever!! So who will I tie the knot with that I will want to be with FOREVER!!! Forever is a long time...

Nameless

I've been wanting to write about a lot of things. Because a lot of things have been going through my mind. I don't write the way that I used to, its not the same joy. Most of the time I have the tendency to just think. Everyday something happens that makes me be thankful of all the decisions I've taken, the people that are and aren't in my life, and the beliefs I have. I've changed for the better. To be honest, I think I really like the way that I am, not looking back at my past has helped me live in the present and look forward to the future. Its like all of a sudden, everything that I want, I don't just want it for no reason, I want it badly and for the most incredible reasons. I don't want that part of me to change because it makes sense. I like things that make sense, and lacking a personality, letting other people control our lives, and being part of the crowd does not make sense.

I lack patience though. That is a problem. But I don't mind it. I'm bored with what I have now at this moment, like as if I was looking for something or someone. There's a hollow feeling in me that I cannot explain but I ignore it most of the time. What doesn't make sense now, will make sense later.

I know when I meet the right person, it will be because they have looked for me as much as I have looked for them.

Random Nonsense

kimbara kimbara kimbara kim ba kim bon bon
kimbara kimbara kimbara kim ba kim bon bon
kimbara kimbara kimbara kim ba kim bon bon
ehhhhhhhh mamaaaaaa
ehhhhhhhh mamaaaaaa

ANYWAYS

Today marks the day that I will tell you a secret. Not really...
My special little someone gave me a cutie patootie ring

^-^ hehe

I'm so happy. Here's a secret: I hate rings!!!

But because we are talking about someone that I love soooooooo much, I've promised to wear it.
I said I wouldn't blog about it. BUT I didn't promise. Laugh out loud. I got an angry birds hat and I loooove it. You know something reader? This is the shortest blog I've ever written, because I'm happy that I'm happy.

The New Me Still Likes PINK

Oh its been so long since my last blog. But I tell you this reader, I feel so different now. Let me give you an account to what has passed through my mind in this long space of time. For one I'm in college, which I have learned to love. I say learned because I do like that I go to school four out of five days and I like my classes except for one and I like my teachers except for one. I also don't go the whole day, just three hours and one and a half hours and well you get the point. I'm also working taking care of 'chillum' after school. There's lots of love within those kids and yet some of them I can't stand...or their parents. I drive by myself as well. Whoop whoop. But I only drive to school and work. I'm still waiting for the glorious day when I will be able to pick up my friends and hang out or drive to the movies or just hang out with my sister; actually we do that sometimes but its more out of necessity, like today, when I'm supposed to take her to buy jeans even though I don't want to because she hasn't been the most cooperable person lately. Oh and currently I feel sick. I'm not sure if one of the kids gave me something or if its just allergies but in general, school, work and now my not-so-well-being makes me lose a lot of sleep. I'm tired.

You know what else reader? I'm tired of a lot of things. Here's one thing I'm REALLY tired of: Begging. Ok, not begging by its definition, but let me break it up so you understand. I don't beg the way a dog will beg its master to play with it or feed it. I don't smother myself like a cat on a person's leg to get it to pet the cat. I also don't beg like a child to its parent while at the store to get the parent to buy him something. That's the kind of begging I don't do. Here's the begging I will attempt to do:
'You're wrong. I'm right.' "No. Go away. I'm right." ' But...!' "I said no!" 'Fine be that way!' *turns out I was right* "I'm sorry..." 'ok' "will you be my friend?" 'HA! Good one' *I walk away*.
I won't sit there and watch you be wrong. EVENTUALLY I get tired of watching people mess up even though I told them they were wrong. This hurts me, watching a mistake being done. When it turns out I'm right, I won't not forgive you, but I won't trust you. That is my new logic. I understand, and you reader should understand this too because its important, that people are not perfect, they make mistakes. A FRIEND will not sit there and watch. I can't sit there and watch. Friendship is about forgiving, and forgetting. Oh wait, but at what cost? You can't sit here and tell me that you have kept ALL the friends you had since the day you met them. Everyone has had to filter out friendships. I guess this is my filter.

Like last week, my mom killed a roach with insecticide but for some stupid reason it made me sad. Raid doesn't kill roaches right away as they claim because I stood there watching the poor roach miserably trying to die. Trying! I don't care that its an animal or a disgusting insect without a conscience or logic, it suffered its death because it was never taught to not go inside a house. Its a plague and we are allowed and justified to kill plagues, but it was suffering! I literally cried over the roach's death. And its a roach! A disgusting little creature that minds its own business because its mind does not allow it to think that he or she is in danger!

I've taken a new standing in my life. I think I've made way too many mistakes to not realize that I'm wrong when I'm wrong. No one likes to be wrong but that is just something that we live with every day. Here's something that I thought of last night, I don't think I can get married. Its not that I don't want to, I really do in fact. Its just that I think I can't. Marriage is a HUGE life commitment. Marriage is not like a pair of shoes that you try on and wait until you find the right one. I don't know if I lost hope in all of love but I do think that I don't want to be alone. Being alone has always been one of my greatest fears, I don't know why, I just don't like it. I don't like people much, but like ugh! READER be patient with me, I haven't written for the lack of time and because I was afraid of criticism, now I could care less. Ok, so I don't think I can get married. I was thinking, what if I don't wanna tell my husband something? Something like that I consider it to be mine that happened when I was wee little and living in my little Mexico? Or what if its something that I don't remember but I was told it happened to me and I don't want him to know? Can I have MY thoughts or do they have to be OUR thoughts? I do wonder who will be the person that I will want to tell all of myself to...or if they will earn the right to know...

Thus the words of a cynic.

Here's my friendship cycle:
Meet -> Examine -> Study -> Examine -> Conclude its personality -> love -> Some mo' love -> Too much love -> Annoyance -> Acceptance -> FRIENDSHIP.
or or
hate and leave. annoyance and leave.



I have my first official-in-college tests starting Monday. Oh and I never caught up to the reading. One of my textbooks needs an access code for some stupid website and it didn't come with the code so I'm supposed to buy it. I think I can take a C for that class.

Memoires of my Childhood

Ugh, another day in this house. So basically my entire summer was spent doing nothing. If you want to count cooking and cleaning as something then yeah, I did that, but it wasn't important so I really would have rather have spent it with either someone (that does not include my sister) or doing something memorable. I've been to a few parties, hung out with a few friends, but really I've had better summers. There are two things that did happen to me that I think are awesome. First of all I got my license on August 1. The week before that and the week after that were spent with my aunt who visited us from Mexico. She was coming for my graduation party but due to the fact that I had to change the date, she couldn't stay and so she instead spent two weeks with us.
I have to say that in that time, inevitable things happened. To be honest, they were very stupid and pointless but alas, they happened and I'm gonna evaluate the outcome.

Starting by my aunt's visit...

Background: Her mother took care of my sister and me when we lived in Mexico and were wee bee little. She is a teacher and my inspiration. Along with her mom and her sister and a variety of family friends, they raised us. I have all kinds of lovely memories of those years I spent and all the fun I had along my sister, the dogs and cats and well of course my aunts and uncles.
Visit: She comes every once in a while because her brother lives here and well, so do we. She isn't married or has kids and therefore has no compromises. Usually my uncle brings her over and she will sleep with us for a few days but this time he left her here the entire week, two weeks actually. In those two weeks, we got an update on the family situation in Mexico, which isn't favorable... well besides that, I get to listen to her and my mom talk for hours and hours reminiscing. I love to hear people tell anecdotes, specially if in them I identify myself. She also likes to tell us a lot of things that we used to do and say when we were little and they took care of us. Such funny stories make me proud and happy of the way I was raised, always being allowed to say my opinion, speak my mind, and expanding my imagination to every corner of that house.
Evaluation:Not only that but I also learned that I've changed very little in this aspect. Of course I've matured a lot and wouldn't call my mom for making my lunch wrong, but those little things that I used to do, I still do but in a slightly different way. My ways of thinking have also changed and so have my likes, but that is a natural process of life. I know that when and if I get to be 50 years old, I probably won't obsess about pink and Maroon 5, so I make my point. There are of course things that I still like and behaviors that have not changed about me, such as making myself be heard, but again, these things I do differently. I like the way I am and the way I was raised; have I always agreed? No. Nevertheless, I appreciate it.
Conclusion: I am the person that I was thought to be, not just by my parents but by everything that has surrounded me my entire life. The only thing that I expect from people is that they have an original personality. You can never admire or blame a child's conduct on the child, it is the parents who are to be admired or blamed. I'm not perfect and I make mistakes but that again is part of learning. The most beautiful thing about this process is that one not only learns right and wrong, but forgiveness as well.

I'd like to ask all my friends from here on to evaluate me. I say that there are two types of friends and no its is not a good and bad friend, its an honest and dishonest friend. I think I've criticized hypocrisy many times, perhaps in this blog or out loud but if you don't know by now reader, I don't tolerate hypocrisy. Now now, don't be too haste to make accusations, let me explain starting by the two types of friends. Honesty is quite an admirable and brave quality. It takes guts to be honest because people are more bound to follow the crowd than to stay honest to themselves. When someone is making a mistake, especially if they are my friend, I cannot stand there and be a spectator!
I just can't. Once, I make my point its up to them, but if they continue, I won't mind being obvious. I will make it as evident as possible that I do not agree with such behavior.

Example: You are about to see that a baby is about to fall off a bed. Are you gonna sit there and watch??? Just because its a baby and he doesn't know doesn't mean that you are gonna let it happen so he will learn! That is ridiculous. If the baby grows up and then purposefully likes to fall off the bed, then in that case, you can just not do anything about it and not feel bad. You just walk out of the room to not see the child fall and break its arm or leg or head.

What's hypocrisy got anything to do with what kind of friend you or I or anyone else is? Well that being hypocritical goes hand in hand with being a dishonest friend.

I really enjoyed my aunt's visit.

Leaping Gazelle

It didn't matter where she stood in the hallway, she always had the same look on her face; that complexion of insecurity. To be honest, it was almost annoying because Giselle was truly gorgeous. She wasn't the kind of beauty that one finds in a magazine or a movie; Giselle was just pretty. Except that the look she carried around everywhere, that awful gaze made her go by unnoticed. Really, it always bothered me when I saw her during passing period. Often, I'd find myself asking "who the hell is she waiting for?!" But as always, I continued walking, waved hello, and moved on along my way. It never occurred to me thought, that like me, she was waiting for her love.

Let's face it, every girl dreams, or at least has dreamed once, that she is saved by her knight in shining armor and then is taken to a big white castle where they'll live happily ever after. Of course, girls like us get lucky if a guy just as little as smiles at us. Then we turn around to see the hot bimbo he was actually waving at. Yeah, it does hurt to dream if you do it forever. The problem we have though is that we can never move on. Ever.
"But I swear he looked at me"
" Gisell-"
"No! I mean it this time. We even made eye-contact. I promise this is different!"
"OK, fine, you guys made eye-contact but don't yo-"
"Yes, I know what you're going to tell me..."

No you don't actually...because really I'm the one who always ends up eavesdropping. By now I ACTUALLY don't know what her friend is going to say, but I DO know what Giselle is going to say. Why? Because I do the same thing. I tell people how we met; as if it were almost destiny. What started out as a friendly conversation led to a long story of love. I never intended to hear what Giselle and her friend talked about, but they sat behind me, so I really had no option, I even once wanted to turn around and give my two-cents on the matter, but I chickened out because Giselle's friend scared the crap our of me.
"We met in seventh grade" yep and they had a class together, "and we had a class together" he sat next to her "he sat next to me" but it was his friend who hooked them up "but it was Andrew who hooked us up."

Like I said, I know her story. Every time I hear it, I start to get all kinds of memories from him. Up to a certain point, I hate Giselle for doing this to me. Then again, I've never asked the teacher to move me... I guess sometimes I like to remember. You see, him and I had a very strange beginning. In fact, I was creepy, but I was a freshman so I guess it's OK. Now that I'm a Senior though, I'd never in a million years use that same...technique. If I admit that I stalked him a little we can skip a few dirty details. The truth is thought, that I liked talking to him. We had so much to talk about, mostly because we were so different and we learned from each other. Of course, I learned ten times more from him than he did from me, but that was evident since he was four years older.
"I really miss him...do you think..."
"Look Giselle, that was a long time ago"
Ha! Tell me about it. A long time ago I was obsessed with him, a long time ago I wanted him to like me so much or alt least to just have his entire attention and devotion. A long time ago, I was in love.

A long time ago was a long time ago...

Giselle knew more than anyone what a long time ago meant because her guy had happen seven years ago; that is very long ago. But sometimes, time doesn't matter to the heart.
"It was like were were meant to be." She said that with a very sad longing in her eyes, one that I am very familiar with. Actually, everyone says that about their partner at one point or another. When there's a lot of people asking what is going on between you two, well it just adds on to the idea of perfection. It's sorta like fuel for the soul of your love. The only reason why we kept quiet about it was because I was so little and he was older. From just plain sight, you couldn't tell, but, everyone know he was 20 and I was 16. Between us, it didn't matter because our feelings were much stronger that a four-year-difference. Giselle said they were meant to be because she thought she was in love, then again, who can really understand love besides its creator?

Even though the bell rang I can tell you exactly what Giselle would tell her friend until as always, she'd end up standing by the rail looking down as if waiting for someone. Waiting for him. I went up to her at some point to ask her for the class notes, then I remembered she had been talking and was probably just as lost as I was. Instead I asked her how she was doing on her free-writing assignment. "I'm doing OK. I found a poem that I'm going to analyze. What about you?" Me? well I haven't even started..."OH yeah, I'm doing great. Well I have to get going. See ya!" I should've asked her what poem she was talking about.Giselle wasn't just naturally beautiful, she was very smart as well and when it came to writing it was always an easy A for her.

I went home that same day and looked up a poem to analyze. Maybe I felt lame for taking Giselle's idea but her essay was going to be better anyways. The problem was that I found nothing so I ended up doing a satire on Baby Food. When I was stuck doing an essay he would help me. Naturally his age made him more 'experienced' but in reality, he was just good at everything. He had the solution to literally everything. I even used to call him my human encyclopedia or my human conscience. I never told him this...it was too embarrassing to admit that I couldn't do anything compared to him. Everything I did, I did it in an attempt to be better at something that he was already a genius at. The race though, never finished.
Giselle gave me her essay the next day to edit. It was even better than what I had in mind, and its honesty made me feel vulnerable. Her essay came alive...

"The author reveals to us in a
compassionate tone how he feels at a
great moment of distress...The Gazelle lives
surrounded by a predator always liable to death...
When he uses the word leap repeatedly
we see all his attempts of running
away from those that hurt him...His
description of the Gazelle's beauty reveals
a question in our minds, is this Gazelle
a lost love or an unsettled emotion?"

I handed Giselle her paper back and smiled. "It's good, really nice. I'd watch out, its a little wordy in a few places." Without being able to hold back the tears I shot out to the bathroom and soon found myself in the field. My chest was tight, my fingers numb; all around me everything was spinning and the slightest noise made an unbearable echo. I collapsed in tears for the first time in six months. Four year ago I had a best friend that I fell in love with. That was a long time ago but it still feels like yesterday that I'd wake up with his text or call. It was just yesterday that I could call him at any time for any reason. I am a slave to his memory just like Giselle; I am that stupid Gazelle that the poem talked about. The question still pops in my mind once in a while, why did I leave? I left because he was too good. Because I didn't know how to make him happy.

Now every time I hear Giselle talk about her long-lost love I don't only remember mine, I long it. Yeah, the Gazelle leaped away from danger, but it landed wrong , broke its leg and died. I tore my heart to pieces and became like Giselle secretly, waiting for someone. Maybe I'm also waiting for him to come back, but in the end, girls like Giselle and I don't get that kind of luck. We can hope for days and months and years but when the sun comes up, our screens have no new texts or missed calls. The urge to dial comes up, just to even hear the voice on the answering machine. Don't call us desperate, even if there's someone right in front of us, our previous heartaches have blinded us form seeing anyone else. Who really cares though. We are young and dumb and worst of all, we are huge dreamers. Someday I won't be blind anymore. Someday I won't miss him, what he made me feel or the love he gave me...
Giselle still stands by the wall looking at everyone passing by. She's waiting for him and he'll come someday. How do I know this? Because he is actually standing in front of her, she's just too naive to notice.