Almost There

Currently my Facebook status reads the following:
"I'm hungry! I brought the wrong book to class! My fingers are cold! This hcc wifi is not responding! I hate rain in the day >:( "
So indeed, it is raining outside, or at least its raining and stops. The weather channel says that its supposed to rain over the zip code where I work. What that means is that I cannot take my 19 kids outside to play. They are in school for 8 hours and get a 15minute recess. 15 scrawny minutes to play. Then, after 8 hours, they are handed to me for another 3 hours of classroom lockdown. My kids cannot make it three hours in there without driving me a little crazy. Once they are done with their homework (which usually takes about 15 minutes for K and 1st grade and about 1 hour for 2nd grade), I have to entretain them. Its not like a regular classroom where I sit there and teach, or they do independent work or even group work. Its not like its nap time either! So again, I have to entretain them for at least half an hour more until its time to go outside. Unlike those 15 scrawny minutes, we go outside for an hour, an hour that involves kids pushing, hitting, and pulling on each other. An hour that stresses me out because little boy over there is hanging upside down, or because someone is bleeding, or someone fell or or or...

Thus the fact that I do not want to teach elementary kids.

I like my job a lot, don't get me wrong. I just hate it so much when it rains. I'd rather have someone trip outside than to have to yell at them to keep them in order. My kids like me, not like iI'm trying to brag or anything, I just know because they tell me. When I ask them if they like the other teacher, everyone says no, and I would too. That woman inspires too much fear and hate in those kids. Even though she's kidding half of the time, the kids can't tell and they are just scared of her. There are good days, most of them are good acuatlly. I look forward to being at work, just not when it rains...

So I've been thinking a lot about last weekend because I decided who I'm going to marry. Now, I just have to convice the other party. Juuuuuust Kidding :) Last weekend was not really good. I took a self-esteem test on Monday and scored 77/100 which is really healthy self-esteem, but this weekend I felt like a 2. SO I sast in my room and cried and cried and cried and then I got over it and got angry then sad and here comes my mother to the rescue. She lives with me of course becuase she is my mother and I'm still 18 (in 18 days I turn 19! EEK!). Anyways, when she's feeling all motherly, she can make me feel really good, but that's a motherly thing. However, like I said, during the weekend I got put down really bad, so obviously by Sunday I was still not feeling my pinkest. We went out to eat but we were a little late to the restaurant. That meant I had to sit by people I din't like...But alas, I ploppled myself on the chair and munched on some chips (btw, chips and salsa are NOT a mexican thing). So there I am minding my own business eating my chips and then someone says "Blah Blah is comming, do we need more seats?" and I jump up and say "here's one!!"...but to everyone else it sounded like OMG THERE'S A SEAT RIGHT NEXT TO ME! HE CAN SIT HERE! IN FACT, I'M DYING FOR HIM TO GET HERE!!!" Now remember, I'm minding my own business eating chips so I wasn't aware of my reaction.

Whatever.

So eventually my dad moves and unwillingly sits next to me and Blah Blah got there and sat at the edge. I'm still muching on chips almost holding my breath because I felt like with the single brush of a petal, I would explode in tears, and then he says "Valeria what's wrong? You're upset" Upset? Upset? I was beyond myself upset but how in the bloody hell did he know that!? I don't talk to him, we don't hang out constantly, I've never confided in him! Why did he have to notice me...I'm such a bad liar...

My parents are convinced someone is going to make a move in either me or Ilse, which is why I've decided who I'm going to marry. Just in case its me, I can clearly and honestly say "I'm sorry but I have higher expectations" or something like that. I don't like to be noticed without me knowing about it. I like my invisibility very much, so of course I did everything I could to remain undercover.

(It made me feel like Sunako in The Wallflower. She used to get nosebleeds when someone that was beautiful got close to her. )

Eventually I got my way and told him nothing, I mean how coul I? My dad was next to me, my mom in front of me and all around us was everyone else. I'm more or less ok now, except for the fact that this internet is being extremely slow and it doesn't have spell check. My update is this: I changed majors and all my classes were useful so I don't have to start over. Maybe I took an extra class but it will help me in the long run since its child growth and development. If and only if I pass all my classes, then I will graduate from HCC during the summer and then continue with my last two years (or one and a half or however many it takes) and then finally I wll have become and official adult. I will have my adult job and my adult clothes and my adult car and then, I will decide on the rest of my life. The end.

Middle School Aspirations

Last night I realized how much I like old-school Disney. I grew up with it, I know the songs and the characters and the dialog and I love the healthyness of back in the day. None of this twilight crap. Well it made me realize how I don't know the songs or dialog in English because I was living in my little Mexico and to be honest, I still have all my VHS in Spanish and a VHS player. I know, one day that machine will stop working and I won't be able to watch the Jungle Book or Dumbo etc etc. I will one day buy the DVD/Blueray but they have to come with Spanish audio. I have to watch Disney in Spanish.

There's a difference in having a high self esteem and being confident. I learned that this week in my public speaking class. I can tell you that in my case, I have high self esteem and moderate to low confidence. The main reason is because when one is not comfortable in their own skin, people notice it. I am not comfortable in my skin, therefore, I have mederate to low confidence. Doesn't mean I can't be bold, because I most certainly can. For example, I was with a friend some time ago and this dude that she knew but hates came up to us and started asking her stuff that was non of his business so I got mad because he would not go away and the questions kept growing intimate so I about had it and told him off. Poor dude didn't know what to say. It may have not been my business either but my friend couldn't brush him off and I wasn't about to sit there and just stare, that's called bad friending. Friends stand up for each other. Oh and about that too, injustices, bad parenting, irresponsible parenting and feeling unappreciated are amongst my latest soap boxes.

Here's why I have a high self esteem but moderate low confidence. When I was in junior high, I got bullied. Yes I said it, bullied. I don't talk about it much becuase its kind of embarrassing to say that I got bullied at some time in my life and the only reason I'm writing about it is becuase I know for a fact that I can count with one hand the number of readers I get. Which by the way, I don't mind. Anyways! So I was in sixth grade when the bullies got me, in gym class to be clear. Another was in my advisory (study hall) and he was probably the worst. He was this guy that later I ended up getting along with...sorta... Well, I was friends with this one girl in my language arts class and she was friends with this other girl that did not like me all the time. So then in our advisory period, she would sit at my table and catch me staring at this guy. But I was thinking oh my gosh just shut up! I was also thinking what a jerk, and, leave that poor boy alone, and, what a nasty flirt. So yeah. Well I've been told that when I stare at people unconsciously, I have an I'm-gonna-kill-you-stare. I'm not really sure, but maybe back in sixth grade I stared in the same way and the girl assumend I liked the guy. So she went and told him! And oh my gosh...just to get him away from me was absolute torture... There may be more to that but I won't say the rest. Well this guy lives down my street so for the longest time I was afraid he would come to my house and do something stupid.

Then there was Liana. I have never in a blog said a name and if I get sued its ok (not really...) Liana. I love that name. Liana. Sounds like lioness and that was exactly what she was, a lioness. If I could have been her just for a day, I could have said my life was complete. In sixth grade however, we were in P.E. class together. She would always mind her own business and she really didn't talk to anyone. I noticed her because she walked with such confidence it was almost like she wore a royal robe of arrogance. But that was just her, she was just walking. She also dyed her hair a lot, and had it really short at one point. And yet, one day she pantsed me. During a free play period. And she pantsed other girls. Her and some other girl. They didn't get in trouble. I wanted to cry. So I did when I got home and I told my parents and they went to talk to the principal and made a big fuss and what not and the the coach yelled at them then the girls were all mad and drama and and and...oh the traumas of my childhood...

In seventh grade, I had this huge fight with the girl I was besties with. We had become major theater geeks and as so, we got in this argument over a lip sync. One day I'm going to write a book about my junior high experience beause it was a bloody experience. Haha bloody...Liana was British and she was sooooo pretty. Up to these days, I still think she was one of the most gorgeous girls I have delt with. Well Liana and I ended up in the same advanced theater class. I was always afraid of her until one day we just had to work together and she was completely different. In eighth grade she became the person I wish I were and then stuff happened and that was the last person I wanted to be. I liked being me. Oh gwad...eighth grade. We all stopped seeing Liana when we went to high school and she moved. I do wonder what it would have been like if she hadn't moved...

Back to the point. I have all this self esteem because I know my limitations and I have passions and aspirations. I have moderate to low confidence because I'm not comfortable in my own skin. So why did I switch majors to creative writing? Well for one becuase I don't want to teach anything else but high school and two, becuase I want to write a book. One day. I don't care if its a children's book or what, I want to write! I love writing even if I'm not the best. Even if some people don't believe I can, I will say oh yes I can and yes I will. I started a story in eighth grade and I need to finish it. I could never figure out the ending becuase I had so many people read it and give me different opinions on how it should end. Its a great story, long, and based on real people in my life. In order for me to finish, I have to boost my confidence and as of right now, I have no idea how I'm going to do that, maybe I won't, and I'll just put it off another four years, but when I do finish and amaze myself, when I am proud to have written something beautiful of what I wish my Utopia would be like, of what it really is in my head, then I will finally sleep happily ever after.

Sleeping over at this chick's

Hey guys! So right now I am on a bed that is like eight feet high...that's like taller than me...and the owner agrees. We are watching me type about how we are still here in the bed all cozy. Now Ilse is going to put her PJ's on. Its about time that I give this up and let someone else do this for me. Not really, I'd never give up writing. Ok so here she is!

Uhm...I'm hot...I think its because I just finished changing. So tonight was fun. (Ilse is talking and distracting me) -laughs- I'm confused on what this is.

Ok so now its me again. Its been a while since I sleep over at some one else's house and I think the reason why is because we are usually always having people over at our house. Its fun I guess and I know that I love it. Its major girl time. So for those of you that are not in the know, this is how it pretty much goes no matter what.

-Eat
-Talk
-Giggle
-Watch some tv/youtube
-Talk
-Talk
-Talk

Reflection of the day ( I feel like I've said this before...) -> a lie is an untold truth or an untold lie. You choose what you make it.

High Demand

I hate dentists. In fact, I'd rather not ever go. Dentists are worst than Doctors...dentists really just want our money! All I know is that if I floss and brush my teeth at least twice a day I don't need to go see a dentist. Today for example, I went for a semi-anual clean-up. That to me is stupid because all they do is scratch my perfect enamel with this hook looking thing and then brush them with this sandy strawberry paste. And the brush spins really fast and like yeah...I bleed. Oh and let's not forget some agressive flossing...

I'm proud to say two things about my teeth. One is that I have a great enamel and its unlikely that i'll ever get a cavity if I take care of my little enamel. Two is that I have two wisdom teeth showing their pretty faces to the world! Yes, I am officially W.I.S.E. (With Incredibly Sane Experience^_^) ok that was funny...lol... ANYWAYS! So yeah my wisdom teeth don't hurt. However the stupid dentist wants to get rid of my two lower ones!

Here's my problem, wisdom teeth are like an Appendix, unless you get Appendicitis, you don't need to have it removed. My wisdom teeth are minding their own business! My lower one is barely showing its face to the world, and the dentist said it would probably stay like that! Then the other lower one looks tilted in the X-ray but the dentist said it might not come out. So why the heck does he want me to have them removed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I'm a little irritated right now...my teeth still hurt form the cleaning and to top it off I'm a little stressed about my parent's anniversary. They don't know this but Little sister and I got them gifts and we are taking them out to eat...but I have no idea how much they will cooperate or if they will like the gifts we got them...siiiiiigh

I tittled this blog high demand for two reasons. One was because I would like to get braces so that my teeth don't look so eww...I can't help the staining on them because its part of the enamel stuff that won't break so that I won't get cavities. Two is because I received a message on Facebook that made me smile a little and I'm expecting a phone call.

Old habits never die...

Testosterone and Male Periods

It's true. I'm not even kidding. Every time I hear it, I realize how true it is even though I've never taken the time to research it. Males have periods too. Let me tell you about my weekend. So these friends invited us to go with them to a little town in near Austin so that we could give encouragement to the local congregation who was affected by the wildfires. To be honest it could have been more relaxing had we not spent so much time driving. When we first got invited I was really exited, I mean I've always wanted to preach in goat/cow territory. We have some territory like that but its not as rural. Well when we got permission it was all great and dandy until I realized that I was going to go out of town without my parents for the first time.

I couldn't tell you if it hut or not when my real umbilical chord was cut, but this time to know that I would be so far away from my mom made my stomach queezy. Not kidding. This was the first time that I slept away form my parents, my mom, and in another city! I won't lie...when I said goodbye I literally almost cried.

Now and again I think about changing my name. My mom likes to over use it....soooo I won't tell her when I change it only because then she will wear out that one too. Like right now, I'm trying to write this but then she keeps telling me to do stuff and I'm like oh my gosh.

Today I have a party to go to. I decided that I'm going to give everyone a second chance to prove me wrong. I want to be proven that inside of everyone there is some goodness and that people are capable of being genuinely good. About four years ago my sister and I wanted to throw this party. Back then we were not aware of the fact that there was a difference between a gathering, a hang out, and a party. To us, it was all the same. I remember getting all exited and inviting all these new friends I had made... oh yeah, I remember, it was after Ike hit and we had been working in the relief committee. Well, after that time, I wanted to have a get together. But then, my mom who was also exited about all these new people decided that she wanted to have to have music to dance....that all went wrong.

First mistake was that I had never been to a house party so we had no idea how the atmosphere was suppposed to roll.

Second mistake was that I let my mom controll the whole thing.

Third mistake was that I didn't invite enough people.

Fourth mistake was that I made too much food.

Fifth mistake was that I had planned for things to go one way but it all didn't happen because no one really showed up and then some people were late.

Sixth mistake was that I actually thought that we were going to dance....

Man, do I regret having lived that day. Ever since that day I do not let my mom organize my events. I also invite a lot of people or none at all. Tomorrow I shall try this again. Except this time I will actually invite a lot of people, in fact, everyone! I don't ever want to go through that kind of humiliation. Even if it doesn't all go the way I want it to go I don't care. At least I will know that I tried.

Here's my next new reflexion: Having all the money in the world blinds appreciation and effort. I don't know what its like to be rich, I've been very close to knowing it and as a third party observer, I don't want that to be my life. I LOVE my job, I love working and living out of my hard work. All my life I've seen all kinds of people work their butts to get just the simplest things in life, and that as a result is plain satisfaction. When I pay school out of pocket without the government adding money to my pocket it makes me feel proud and study harder. One time I was told I would never be able to pay school on my own and I would eventually not finish and I would have to no matter what get grants. When I heard that, I believed it. Now I think its the biggest piece of booty that I've heard. I can do anything I want in any way I manage. Really I'm unstoppable and no man on this earth will get in my way.

Dreams and Reality

I'm out of school so I decided to blog about two dreams that I had last night. The first one I can understand because I was watching The Mentalist last night and it was about a firefighter who was murdered. He was supposed to be a super hero guy and it turned out that the guy he saved from a fire was the one that killed him. So the first part of my dream was a little like that...well something was on fire. I was living in some time of medieval castles or something was the castle, or more like a really big house made of stone, was in the middle of a prairie. My family and I were hiding and then out of nowhere I was getting butter from something outside and I saw smoke, and then everything got really scary because some people that didn't like us were putting fire all around the big stone house, and I freaked out but my dad put out the fire with a tiny sprinkle of water. But I was really scared. Like crying and screaming.

When I was little and living in my little Mexico, my neighborhood was on fire. I don't remember anything except that I woke up at some time in the middle of the night and the first thing I saw was a painting, so I freaked out because I knew I wasn't home. I called out for my mom and got no response and soon the lights came on. I was definitely not home. My mom appeared and I realized we were in the living room of some house with a bunch of other kids. The owner of the house gave us white bread "para el susto" (up till now I still don't understand why...). Then my mom explained to me that everything was ok and I should go back to sleep. The next day I found out what really happened.

Apparently one of the boxes that are on top of the light posts exploded. It was a very big bang according to my parents who were about to go to bed when they heard it. They tried to get us out of the house but the "saguan" or gate was too hot and my dad couldn't open it. Technically we were stuck and could have died, but the way my house was built in Mexico was two houses in L shape put together but not joined on the inside, so our neighbors had opened a door that was attached to the gate and we were able to get out. My mom says that the neighbor mom was freaking out and one of her babies nearly died. They had to throw the baby out the window to save it or something like that...Well, I'm glad that all throughout all that commotion, I was asleep, and so was my sister, well she managed to wake up a little and peek out the blanket she was wrapped in. I don't think she remembers anything but red all over. My dad says that a man burned his hand because a car was going backwards and it was on fire and he tried to stop it with his hand...I think he's an idiot but in cases like that, panic overtakes your actions and its hard to say who's acting out of idiocy and who is acting out of fear.

My second dream must have been tied to my first because I still remember the stone house in some faint way. I needed to get married, I don't know why, but I did. So I was with a very good friend of mine, my best friend (I think) and my sister. We were looking through a yearbook of some kind and I remember asking about all the boys there. But you see, they were high school boys, not boys my age. So then I apparently picked one, I don't know why but I did, I guess I thought I would have time to meet him or fall in love with him, but I was so busy planning the wedding and I forgot who I was going to marry. So the day of the wedding my friend was doing my hair and we started to talk about the guy and I couldn't remember who I picked or why I picked him and no one wanted to tell me, so I began to freak out in a way I have never freaked out before in real life. I literally cried for hours with my mom and she was trying to get this fear out of me but then she said, this is the guy you're going to marry because you picked him, and then I asked if I was allowed to change my mind because I was really scared and not ready to get married to a stranger that I couldn't even remember why I picked him. She said I didn't have to do it so a few hours before the wedding, it got canceled. Then I cried and cried with my mom. Then I tried asking people why I was going to get married and no one would tell me! Then I got tired of the mystery so I woke up.

I don't know why I dreamed this but I'm very stressed out. Like I don't know why but I feel out of breath and I want so badly to know why I needed to get married. What I think about this dream is that I'm scared of getting married to someone that I think I'm in love with and then turns out that I'm not. I don't know...marriage is a big deal, one that you can't get out of so easily. Its a lifetime thing. Like...who in the world am I going to give my life to??? What kind of stranger will I share a life with??? I think that I'm very happy right now being single and enjoying all the freedom that goes with it, but one day I would like to meet someone and be so in love that I won't have a doubt in my mind that I want to spend the rest of my life with. By the rest of my life, I literally mean forever, a time that is a very long time...its like forever!! So who will I tie the knot with that I will want to be with FOREVER!!! Forever is a long time...

Nameless

I've been wanting to write about a lot of things. Because a lot of things have been going through my mind. I don't write the way that I used to, its not the same joy. Most of the time I have the tendency to just think. Everyday something happens that makes me be thankful of all the decisions I've taken, the people that are and aren't in my life, and the beliefs I have. I've changed for the better. To be honest, I think I really like the way that I am, not looking back at my past has helped me live in the present and look forward to the future. Its like all of a sudden, everything that I want, I don't just want it for no reason, I want it badly and for the most incredible reasons. I don't want that part of me to change because it makes sense. I like things that make sense, and lacking a personality, letting other people control our lives, and being part of the crowd does not make sense.

I lack patience though. That is a problem. But I don't mind it. I'm bored with what I have now at this moment, like as if I was looking for something or someone. There's a hollow feeling in me that I cannot explain but I ignore it most of the time. What doesn't make sense now, will make sense later.

I know when I meet the right person, it will be because they have looked for me as much as I have looked for them.