My Sister Calls it Awk...

Awk...
What is that word? More like, what is half of that word?

A long time ago, like four, five, years ago, I used to be this very nice person. I was the kind of person that always looked at the bright side of things and said very nice things and wanted to be friends with everybody. I was so full of confidence a long time ago. Of course, it was so long ago that I had no experience with people and of course I had not been hurt. So eventually I changed. Not just because of one person, but because a lot of people and bitter experiences.

We all have a right to protect our hearts in what ever way we want to. No one can judge us because the pain we feel once we experienced something awful is a pain that stays inside our small hearts. You see, I had a friend who had overconfidence, the bad kind. I had the good kind of confidence, like I could teach a college class about it and it would have been called Confidence 2501. Well, that friend had some friends that I eventually became friends with. At the time, they turned out to be the best kind of friends that I had had in my entire life. I wanted to be with them so much; to be part of their group.They were so cool to me, like, celebrities almost.

Today I'm only really close friends with one of them.

You see my beloved reader, I'm the kind of person that turned out to be socially awkward. I'm not the kind of socially awkward person that cannot socialize with anybody, a loner. I'm also not the person that makes frenemies or fake friends. I'm not emo, depressed or suicidal socially awkward. I have two very polar attitudes. When I'm comfortable with myself and the group I'm in, I can make really good conversation and I'll even make some good jokes. I am myself.  I don't care what those people think because I am comfortable enough to trust them to not hate me if I say something dumb. Then there's the other side of my social awkwardness. If I feel outshined, or if I'm the only stranger there, yeah, I won't talk much.

AND I LIKE TO TALK A LOT. LIKE, A TON.

Sometimes I have to be told to shut up. One of my friends likes to say that I always know what to say, that I can make conversation with anyone without difficulty. As if I could spot a cute guy and just walk up to him and bust out in conversation. Well I'm not like that. Yes it is true that the people who know me think that I can be like that, but that doesn't mean that I will.

Why?

Simply put, I don't trust people. I can look at someone and really like them from sight or really dislike them. I don't have a midground. Part of the reason that I am like that is because the people that surround me don't like to mingle. They are a little boring and its very frustrating because I have tried numerous times to introduce them to the world of mingling and it just doesn't work. I can almost say its rubbed on me a little. Once I find my comfort spot, I like to stay there. My mom is against that though and she tells me that in order to have friends, we have to be a friend. Easier said than done and especially because that woman is no closer to anyone else as the sun is close to Mars. But then she goes and tells me that I can't trust people. So my little brain says, "which is it woman!" I'd like to look up to her because she is right and she is my mom, but I can't look up to someone who doesn't set the example, so I just agree with her and try to be the best kind of friend to my friends.

Lately I have been faced with this situation: "So-and-So is lonely, be friends with them." I used to feel bragged about the situation because that meant that I am trustworthy and friendly and a good company, but now I think to myself, "Well I don't know if that person is going to be trustworthy and friendly back to me." So I turn down the request. We are not in Kindergarten anymore, we don't walk up to people and say, "Will you be my friend". No! It takes time and effort to build a relationship and I am honestly, a very difficult person to be around. I am very complicated and annoying at times. I also have a 3-strikes rule: I invite you 3 times and if 3 times you turn me down, I don't invite you again. Period. I will come to the conclusion that you don't want to hang out with me so I will avoid you the discomfort of turning me down; or more like keeping me in limbo.

When I was little I was scared of everything and it was really hard for me to make friends in school because I was afraid to talk to people. I just didn't know what to say. I don't have low self-esteem, I like myself a lot.  A LOT. (HEHE). I just don't always like people. Or I like them too much and I don't want to overwhelm them or scare them away. So I smile and agree and wave good-bye.

I guess I have to work on my personality? Yeah...........awk-ward

La Vaisselle

Everyone is enjoying the last of their meals. What ever it was, pasta, chicken, or even leftovers, what makes it taste so good is the mood. Around the table everyone shares a bit of their day, the most outstanding events. The mood is relaxed, humorous, and even nonchalant. As the meals are being finished, dishes are being picked up to be washed and put away. At this point, something bitter penetrates the atmosphere making it hard to breathe. What is it? What in the world could possibly disrupt a family dinner?

Pride.

I've seen this happen over and over, not just in the above scenario, but in many other occasions. The reason why I am writing this is because as I am sitting in my room, I'm thinking of all kinds of reasons as to why I haven't written in the past two months. Let me just say that I don't consider myself to be pridefull, but I am also not perfect. I have my flaws and one of them at times is my pride. But let us begin to examine this aspect of life by defining its meaning. To me there are two types of pride: the kind that makes you feel all bubbly and pink inside because you did something good and the kind that blinds your reasoning skills and doesn't allow you to face a mistake. Very opposite right? How can pride be good and bad at the same time? Well, pride is a little green monster inside of us. I mean, we all feel great because we got a good grade, or because we gave CPR to a fainted child. My point is, the good kind of pride makes you want to write a book about your accomplishments. Its the kind of feeling that if the whole world was doing something right, we would all get along. Its the good kind of bragging. You walk into the room with your chin held high and you want to say, "yes, I did that and I'm so proud of it."

The bad pride hurts.

It hurts no matter how much you apologize. Why? Because you don't apologize. The little green monster inside will wrap its little green claws around the other person's feelings until the other person breaks in two. Two nasty little parts: the mind and the heart. The bad kind of pride doesn't feel bad for hurting someone because in their mind, what they did, or said, was right. No matter how much they hurt the other person. Like racism. White people thought they were better and abused their slaves and when the slaves were free, they were too proud to say I'm sorry. The bad pride turns people into jerks. The kind of jerks everyone hates. Yeah, I said hate and I'll say it again, people hate jerks! JERKS!!!

JERK JERK JERK JERK JERK=HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

Its good to say that although I have a lot of pride in my accomplishmets, I'm not too proud to apologize. I know when I'm wrong. I can admit when I'm wrong. There may be one single person in this little planet that will tell you otherwise. Yet, I disagree. I can tell you right away if I am wrong. I am not perfect and the fact that people think that I can manage it all breaks my heart. I'm not plastic you know? I'm a human with feelings and goals. I'm a human that makes mistakes, thinks bad thoughts and says bad things. That's how imperfect I am. I can't do everything even thought I pretend to. I cannot be forced to be Ms. Social-Nice-Good Example.

If there is one thing that I hate more than pride are assumptions but you my reader, already know that. Anyone who assumes I am excellen at everything I do is obviously not close to me. You got to know me in order to predict me. I don't like everyone, I will not talk to everyone and I will not, no matter what, approve of anyone who is too proud to say I'm sorry.

The Birds and the Bees

This topic...

Well my loyal readers, you see, there is a time when the birds and the bees in the tittle above, when they go on about their business. You see, there are the little birds and they do their bird thing and then there are the bees and they do their bee thing. Then they all collaborate and boom! There is more little flying creatures!

And then there's me.

I'm neither a bee or a bird, but you see, there comes a time in a woman's life when our bodies demand a change. Well, this change is very hard to accept and accommodate to. It cannot be done upon our single effort. I cannot say that I am happy or unhappy but at least I can say that I am moderately satisfied. Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted so badly to do this. I've dreamt so much about this phase in my life; how to plan it, how to live it, how to train it, how to be good at it. It takes practice I guess, although we were not necessarily programmed to live this way.

This past week has been a little hard to accept and a little hard to live by. I'm not really sure how to go about and tell people about it. The few I've told seem to be shocked and one even called it "lame". Some people are happy though, because really its a good thing. My health seems to be fine, up to now I guess. I'm not really sure how its going to change but hopefully I won't feel the difference too much, although its going to be absolutely impossible to hide it.

I'm glad my mom seems to be supportive about it. She asks me a lot of questions though and then gives me her opinion a lot. My dad though...he wasn't happy. Well, he's not mad but I get the feeling he looks down upon it a little... My sister though, she doesn't seem to mind, well technically its my life right? Overall, I'm glad I don't have to go through this alone, its a brand new me, the two parts of me.

I even got me a book last week so I knew exactly what I was doing. Its expensive as I had thought. One of my number one reasons why I didn't want this to happen. Its also a lifetime effort, I can't just give it up because I might get tired of it. When I decided it was time to do this, I gave thought to it. A lot of thought. I came up with reasons trying to convince myself why I should not do it ( I seem very calm don't I?) I couldn't come up with enough reasons why I shoud stop myself; it was love you know? It happens I guess, well to me it did. At first, I couldn't belive it that I was able to carry on the first time. Then the second, then the third. And finally, BOOM! Excatly what I did not plan to happen, happened.

I think as time goes by, people will learn to accept it without giving me weird looks. I know I used to be the one giving all the bad looks. Now the tables have switched and here I am. I don't really think I care what people think, but I guess I assumed they would be more understanding, these things HAPPEN!  In our day, anyone can do this job alone and be good at it. So why can't I be a vegetarian? I think I can :)

Success!

This has got to be one of the best days in my life! 1000(+) views of my blog. Thank you readers!
You have made me the person I am today and I shall continue to live writing :')

Love,

Lady in Pink <3

Lost and Found?

I think I started to write this a while ago but never finished it, in fact, the grammar is wrong...but it can't just sit here as a draft. Kudos to the author :)

oh, on the nights i think of you

in the midst of the sweet scented breeze

i can feel soothing tenderness pass through me

it hurst because i know painfully well

that it will be sad when the conversationn ends

now i've detached myself from the freedom called loneliness

ah, on the nights i think of you

in the midst of the sweet scented breeze

i can feel soothing tenderness pass through me

Gaia

The above term means earth. I think its a very pretty word and therefore I am going to use it to give this blog a tittle.

I've been skipping class a lot lately because I cannot keep my focus. I am easily distracted by my million gazillion concerns and troubles in life. First of all I've got 3 friends with issues. I wish so badly with all  my heart that I could just not care. That I could step aside and let them figure it out without me feeling completely guilty. I also wished I could stop trying to find excuses to blame myself for every one else's misfortune. (Heck, I even think world hunger is my fault!) Then I have another friend who is uninformed about a certain situation and when they do find out, all bloody hell is going to break lose, and yet again, I am going to feel responsible. Then there is also the issue that I am about to go out of a job. Like soon. Like in a month. That doesn't scare me because I don't mind resting all summer and hanging out. Only too bad I actually signed up to take three classes over the summer and now I HAVE to get a job and pay for them. I haven't had many complications at work actually, except for the fact that I have run out of movies to show the kids and my coworker ends up allowing not-so-appropriate movies and already one parent has complained... I'm freaking out becase I did want to have a nice little encuraging chat with my elders just for the plain heck of literally, encouragement, but now I don't know what I'm going to tell them. In fact, I haven't decided if I actually sitll want to talk to them. Oh and an investigator called us recently, making me feel like my life is in some prominent danger. Other than that, I think everything is going just well.

I mean, I am healthy right? Sort of??? My allergies haven't bothered me...sort of??? I don't have to worry about a stupid boyfriend!!! That's really good right??? I'm almost done with this semester too, and if everything goes well, I'm going to pass all my classes. I also have my family, oh and my sister is graduating from High School. Yay sister! Oh and today is one of my bffs' last day of beauty school (congrats my love!!) so now we can hang out more. I've also got my house, my baby (aka car), my clothes, my current job that I really like, my relationship with my dearest creator, I've got close friends that I love and would give my life for, I've got my lapi-top (with my currently most favorite wallpaper), I'm going to see Coldplay (AAAAAAAAHHH), my parents have their jobs, oh yeah and I'm alive.

Speaking of summer, I would like to do some things so hence the Summer list:

1. Finish reading at least 5 theocratic books (I always start and never finish)
2. Go out on early service every saturday (I quit during winter...)
3. Find a summer job (I want to keep working with kids)
4. Read one or two pleasure books (no problem with that one)
5. Pass all my classes (Two math...eek!)
6. Go on a vacation (New Orleans and New York are on my US bucketlist)
7. Save money for next semester (because I've been stubborn enough to not get FAFSA)
8. Join a gym and loose 20 lbs (I've almost joined two in the last two months but I always back out)
9. Rearrange my room ( and decorate it!)
10. Throw a party (small, nothing too big...maybe)
11. Get a new phone/company (I'm very please with t-mobile, but my family complains a lot)
12. Make a summer album (not a scrapbook)
15. Make two mock videos (I already chose the songs and actors)
16. Plan my trip to France (that's a future blog)
17. Have a garage sale (so I can buy me clothes!)
18. Make a new friend ( I always do this over each summer)
19. Work on "Where I Really Belong" (long-term unfinished proyect)
20. Have lots of fun drama-free (please?)

Gaia is a word that reminds me that this whole place we live in is very big, and there is always someone who is in a worse situation than me. I'm going to focus, or at least try. I'm going to flush my mind of all these worries and just let go of my pain. Its a lovely life when we really stop to think about it.

Finding Time

My skin hurts. It hurts all over. I feel like I am burning and everything that rubs my skin in the lightest ways makes my skin crawl. All over I feel goosebumps and inside I feel like my insides are melting. Pain is relative, a weakness of the mind, and yet, I have given in to it.

I want to cry to let out everything that I feel, I want to talk to someone who will listen and not pretend just to care. But who am I to kid? Almost two months of silence went by because I have been biting my toungue. At this point, I can't even swallow. Every word that I mutter tastes bitter and cold, as if I were a very mean person.

False modesty is a way of lying, but lately I have found that secrets can turn into lies and lies can take the form of many other things. Like saying you are friends when you don't really mean it. Like saying you will care for your children and then letting them go the wrong way. What am I to do or say? I've said it before but I can say it again, I am not the person to sit and watch a disaster happen if I can avoid it.

I think that is my problem. I believe I have the power to fix things, or at least I like to pretend like I do. Possessing knwoledge is a gift, its what we do with it that makes a difference. Being ignorant is something that I look down upon, and yet here I am wishing that I couldn't tell wrong from right.

Everyone is guilty of something. Everyone.

For me, its a guilt that I cannot tolerate at this time because I have to do it alone. Its a heavy burden that I wish I could let go of, but I can't. Sometimes, we loose the people we love the most, maybe for the better. Breathing is a matter of uncounsiousness, thinking is also innate. I want to stop. I wish the world would stop for just a second and realize that with every selfish decision, we are hurting the people we love the most. I mean, who cares right? As long as we please ourselves and we can YOLO.

Let me say something about YOLO: it is the most mundane thinking there is. It is the most selfish style of living there is. We are in this world temporarily awaiting our reward. We cannot live for ourselves if we want that reward. We don't live once, we are meant to live forever. I don't think people realize how little time we have left, they just keep living like they don't have a clue that our reward is almost here.

I don't write to depress people or to criticize or make them angry or to try to change the world. I write because it is the most selfish thing I do; I need an outlet for my feelings.

Earlier this evening I was watching TV with my dear sister and one of the characters told another parent concerning parenting and children: "You found time to have them, now find time to be with them." Parenting is something I shouldn't talk about, but since I know exactly what this quote means, I'm going to take the bother to do so even though I don't have or plan to have kids.

Lately I've learned that parenting is a job no one is ready for and its a job that takes a lifetime. Jodi Picoult said, "you sign no contact to become a parent, but the responsibilities were written in invisible ink. There was a point when you had to support your child; even if no one else would. It was your job to rebuild the bridge even if your child was then one who had burned it in the first place." My dear reader, parenting is not something that can be taken for granted. The love of a mother surpasses any love in the world. When parents get lazy and comfortable, when they think they can trust their kids to make wise choices, when they stop caring who they are interacting with, when they refuse to see the warning signs, when they are too blind to see their children's feelings, when they leave them to in the care of a stranger's hand, when they allow them to do and get away with anything, when they don't take action in time to pull their kids back in line, when they are too uncomfortable talking to them, when their own kid becomes a stranger living in their house, that is when a parent has failed. Kids have to be let go of at one point, and we will never be ready enough to face the world out there. However, a parent will move heaven and hell to have their kids next to them their entire life. When, however, do they stop caring? When its too late? When the damage is too great? Whe the hope is gone? No. A parent will never give up. A child though will not care and leave. Parenting is a job that takes time and EFFORT. If you can't afford them, if you can't find the time to be with them, to get to know them, then you should not be a parent. You will ruin their lives and your own as a parent.  At 18, we do not become owners of our lives, we do not become responsible adults, we do not reach full maturity. 18 is a number designated by the government to give themselves permission to tax you and to draft you and to try us as adults and stick us in jail. 18 is just a number that gives us no right.

Sometimes, I wish I had a friend that would not leave. A friend that would know when I feel out of place without me saying it. I wish I had a friend that would not lie and that would do anything that would keep me in line. That one friend that can take care of me in times of sickness. This is not a pity party; it is simply a manifest of my sick mind. I told myself I would not cry, but I made no lousy promise to myself. One day I'm going to leave. I'm going to go so far away and so fast, it will make my head spin. I will leave and the only one that will care is my creator. I'm not angry or sad. I'm simply tired of people being selfish.