I can't figure out how to unfollow two blogs. I don't really know why I followed them in the first place if I never read them. I mean, it even bothers me to see them right there on my dashboard. I think that maybe the first time I read it I thought they were good blogs but then the second and third time I told myself, this blog sucks...why did I bother to follow...
Ever since the eigth grade I've hated Edgar Allen Poe. Now, I know that you are thinnking I've got to be crazy because like my Lit. teacher says, he's got the big "C" of classic stamped all over his work. Well technically he didn't just write one story and became famous. It took him his entire lifetime to be appreciated by the world (when he was alive, the French seemed to be the only ones enjoying his stories). Personally though, the first time I read Poe I thought he was possessed. I was really scared and I had nightmares and what not. So every time I had to read Poe I basically winged it. I was not about to read something I felt no respect for. Ever since then I decided to be very critical to what I read and what I write. So if I don't like something I do not read it. I think everyone should do that.
I'm not a writer, not even close, but I like blogging simply because I can put words to my toughts here and then find out that someone out there took two seconds of their life and gave them to me.
Another reason why I didn't like Poe was because I could not understand what he was saying. I didn't actually learn to dissect a story until I was a freshman. I also don't like Hemingway, Ayn Rand, mmmm.... Well I can't think of any more. But the point is, things are understood better when they are not sprinkled with fancy words, saturated with literary elements, or stuffed with description. Simplicity, voice and style are enough. Everything else is extra. If you over do it, the piece is like eating an entire cake by yourself. Its too much and it will make you sick (English 1301!!!)
This has brought me to think of how much I hate apologies Before you start to point the hypocrite finger at me, let me explain. I'm the kind of person that likes to make things clear. I don't like issues to hang in the air. Life is not about leaving matters unresolved. Even if you look away from the problem, its still there waiting for you to get tired of looking away. I like to apologize, but I think its super awkward to have someone apologize to me. It goes like this:
I have a bad habit of playing with my hair, specially when I talk to boys. I do not at all do this on purpose, it was actually pointed out by two married men. Of course they teased me and bothered me because I am not at all aware that I am doing this. I go into this subconcious state! If you ask me, I can't even remember a single time that I actually did it. At some point, I even thought that they were pulling my leg just to pick on me. But no, apparently I do it...So! One day one of the men comes up to me and apologized to me for making fun of me or picking on me or something like that. In my head I was thinking, "but what's the fault?" I didn't seriously get offended so why was he apologizing? Trust me, if I'm bothered, I cannot help but to show it on my face. Then I will say it and depending on how bothered I am is how upset I will sound. Again, when I don't like something, its very obvious. Anyways, so he goes on apologizing and I started to get all hot and itchy. I'm used to people teasing me, its been done my entire life. At this point, I could hardly care less what is it that I'm being teased about. I just take it and laugh along.
Therefore, its really hard for me to apologize. So when I apologize about something, its because I seriously mean it from my heart. I've given it so much tought that I get super uncomfortable if I don't say something. Which is rare.
Last night I had so much flying in my head that I could not sit still during my meeting. To top it off, my dad realized he had to do a presentation and didn't tell me until literally when we were walking out of the house. I couldn't say no...So I walked out on like paragraph 3 of the book study and just sat in the lobby trying to read this very long presentation. I sort of wish it had been the magazines but it ended up being a presentation like the one we ladies give in the school. The problem was that I was standing in the lobby trying not to cry thinking about my silly life mistakes. Not the right day to give me a last minute anything. I thought about all the people I've let down and how unworthy I was to be giving that part. I didn't want to go up there and look stupid. So my dad comes out after I was gone like ten minutes and he tries really really hard to break it down for me. All I heard were muttered words and my breathing got really tight because I felt bad for him. If it had been ANY other day, I probably could have focused, but yesterday not so much. When it was time to go up, I was shaking. I never shake, I don't get sick, I don't sweat and I don't mess up, period. Yesterday I messed up. Like bad. I couldn't stop thinking about what was in my head. I couldn't remember what the part said and I thought like any second I was going to pass out. I felt sorry for myself. There on stage is a girl who is so insecure, so impatient and so dramatic. There on stage is a girl who has hurt and let down absolutely everyone. There is that girl who doesn't know what she is saying and keeps tripping over the words in front of her. I literally ran off the stage. I went in the bathroom and I cried.
So why is it that if I am so bad, that I have any friends? I have the best friends I could ever ask for. I have the best and most encouraging company I could ask for. I have the best support system! Then I found out someone has cancer and I felt so little. Like, everything that just happened, that IS happening, is nothing compared to cancer.
I still hate Poe, I hate those two blogs I can't figure out how to unfollow, I hate apologies and I hated last night. Compared to cancer though, my life is full of jelly beans! I still have a lot to learn and being the person that I am, I have to agree with Master Yoda, "Do or do not, there is no try." Every one has the right to be wrong, but no one has the right to do wrong.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Late Night Thoughts
It's two in the morning...
Why in the world am I laying in bed reading my old blogs? Well for one, I took like a three hour nap and although I'm tired, I couldn't fall asleep even if I tried. Two, I really have to go potty but that is none of your business. I have a blog written down but I don't feel like writing it right now because something else is really poking my thoughts. Let me just say that if my parents walk into my room right now and see that I'm doing this, I am going to be in trouble. And I'm almost twenty bloody years old......siiiigh.
A looooong looong loong long time ago I used to be really naive. And immature. And childish. And bouncy. And stupid. And over-confident. Of course, I was a freshman. So its not a surprise to say that like any other fish, I was lost and didn't think too much. Well, now that I know how to think, I sit here and think about how I used to be so I won't be like that again. That way I won't have to hear people say that I'm annoying or childish. Yes, I get it, I'm super smart and full of useless information and I can't help but spit it out at times. I am difficult.
So I have this tiny big problem and I don't feel like bringing it up with my friend because if I do, then I'll have to tell my friend the truth, that I don't think we can be friends anymore because he is acting like a duche. I just like to think it in my head. Or maybe we are friends but right now he's like in time-out corner in my head? I don't know. What ever. Let me tell you what did not happen.
When I was a fish, I used to be really hyper about my new acquaintance that I made over the phone. Those were my days of glory stalking. Although I still possess those skills, I prefer not to use them unless I'm bored. I'm not bored often so its nothing to fear. ( See what I'm doing? I'm avoiding the subject...) Well, when I was a fish, I didn't really know what it was like to have friends outside my circle of friendships. Like, this friend lived far, and didn't go to my school or hall and this friend was not even in my age range. But I really liked talking to this friend even though this friend didn't, or maybe liked to avoid me. I would have avoided me too because of how weird I was being. Well, once all the weirdness went away, I started to share more personal info with this friend and we would talk about my teen problems because like I said, this friend was older and experienced. But then this friend would always tell me, "how come you only call me to talk about your problems or when you need advice or when you want help? how come you never call to say hi or to just chit chat?" I used to think that only couples did that. Friends were there for help. It was funny beause I could talk to this riend about anything and it was ok in my head because we were friends. I mean, what was I supposed to say in a chit chat conversation? "OMG I think so and so is super cute" or "hey, I got an A on my test." Honestly I think that I thought that those were sleepover conversations, or small talk with peers, and I really considered at that time that this friend was really my firend, even though to my friend, I was just the stalker or the acquaintance. At that point in my life all I heard was gibberish until the millionth time that I 'got it' so I called this friend to say hi and have a conversation. That conversation went like this: cricket cricket. So yeah, basically, I still didn't understand what my friend wanted me to talk about on the phone. Like, I knew my friend made a point by telling me I only called when it was about me but I didn't know how to fix it so I continued to call when I needed me-time. Selfish right? Well, like I said, this was a looooong time ago.
Well, it took five years for me to get it...
The roles have been switched. I am now my friend and I have another friend who is being me. It goes like this: We met like a year ago and hit it off really well. No creepy feeling, no next-day texting, no intimate convos, just simple nonsense texting getting to know each other. We really wanted to hang out and stuff and I laughed a lot. I really liked talking to this friend. Then out of no where, the conversations got personal. Being the person that I am, I can't help to fill in the gaps of people's lives. When they can't explain something, I make it clear. When they need to be put back in reality I shove them. When they need venting I instigate. So I thought I was being considerate of this friend's feelings. Of course, then my friend started to want advice very often until that was the only time when I heard from this person. And I'm like really? What bothers me is that we are not talking about a freshman situation anymore. We are talking about an adult. Shoot myself in the foot for being so nice!
I'm not a life coach, I'm not a counselor, I'm not Dr. Phill or Maury. I'm not a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist. I'm an English major college student that reads a lot and likes to think. But I also have feelings and my feelings are hurt. So in honor of the friend that first told me "how come you only call me to talk about your problems or when you need advice or when you want help? how come you never call to say hi or to just chit chat?", this blog is for you. I am sorry for being soooo selfish. I now understand what you meant and if I could tell you this in person I would, but, I don't think you would forgive me now, much less listen to me. I am truly honestly sorry for being a duchebag and only calling you when I needed you. I'm sorry I bothered you with all my life troubles and my boy drama. You gave me the best advice anyone could ask for and you taught me a lot about life, so much that up to this point, my life has not been a surprise to me. Please forgive me. Please. I was young and dumb and it obviously took this long to get it because its finally slapping me in the face. So, I'm sorry.
To my friend being the douchebag now, I'm tired of texting you and you not caring to carry out a conversation. I do not want to see you next Saturday or in the forseeable future. At least not until you stop being a duche and start acting like you did when we first met. I do not want to give you advice. I am so disappointed at your hang-out plans which btw, let me and some other people down because you invited US and then decided not to go. I think I know why you are being negligent with your friends and honestly you're in for a big fat nasty disappointment. But I'm not going to bother to tell you because I don't honestly care what happens. Oh and PS, remember that I'm 99.9% always right. When it happens I will know because once again, you will return to me for advice and I will press 'delete.' In fact, you won't ever know that I don't care anymore becuase you are not going to read this blog. People in Malaysia and Russia ( Russians love my blog the second most after the USA) will read this blog and say, kdjoe skfiej kjdofiekf lksifkj lsifjee ( that is my russian!) and continue their lives. I will continue my life without you becuse you said we were good friends, emphasis on good, and now you are proving to be the absolute worst. You're not only using me, you are refusing to admit that you are doing it and excusing yourself by being "busy," Well guess what? I've always been busy but never busy enough to say hi or solve one of your life tangles. You hurt my feelings.
In 2011 skipped like three months of blogging. I never want to do that again. (2:53 AM)
Why in the world am I laying in bed reading my old blogs? Well for one, I took like a three hour nap and although I'm tired, I couldn't fall asleep even if I tried. Two, I really have to go potty but that is none of your business. I have a blog written down but I don't feel like writing it right now because something else is really poking my thoughts. Let me just say that if my parents walk into my room right now and see that I'm doing this, I am going to be in trouble. And I'm almost twenty bloody years old......siiiigh.
A looooong looong loong long time ago I used to be really naive. And immature. And childish. And bouncy. And stupid. And over-confident. Of course, I was a freshman. So its not a surprise to say that like any other fish, I was lost and didn't think too much. Well, now that I know how to think, I sit here and think about how I used to be so I won't be like that again. That way I won't have to hear people say that I'm annoying or childish. Yes, I get it, I'm super smart and full of useless information and I can't help but spit it out at times. I am difficult.
So I have this tiny big problem and I don't feel like bringing it up with my friend because if I do, then I'll have to tell my friend the truth, that I don't think we can be friends anymore because he is acting like a duche. I just like to think it in my head. Or maybe we are friends but right now he's like in time-out corner in my head? I don't know. What ever. Let me tell you what did not happen.
When I was a fish, I used to be really hyper about my new acquaintance that I made over the phone. Those were my days of glory stalking. Although I still possess those skills, I prefer not to use them unless I'm bored. I'm not bored often so its nothing to fear. ( See what I'm doing? I'm avoiding the subject...) Well, when I was a fish, I didn't really know what it was like to have friends outside my circle of friendships. Like, this friend lived far, and didn't go to my school or hall and this friend was not even in my age range. But I really liked talking to this friend even though this friend didn't, or maybe liked to avoid me. I would have avoided me too because of how weird I was being. Well, once all the weirdness went away, I started to share more personal info with this friend and we would talk about my teen problems because like I said, this friend was older and experienced. But then this friend would always tell me, "how come you only call me to talk about your problems or when you need advice or when you want help? how come you never call to say hi or to just chit chat?" I used to think that only couples did that. Friends were there for help. It was funny beause I could talk to this riend about anything and it was ok in my head because we were friends. I mean, what was I supposed to say in a chit chat conversation? "OMG I think so and so is super cute" or "hey, I got an A on my test." Honestly I think that I thought that those were sleepover conversations, or small talk with peers, and I really considered at that time that this friend was really my firend, even though to my friend, I was just the stalker or the acquaintance. At that point in my life all I heard was gibberish until the millionth time that I 'got it' so I called this friend to say hi and have a conversation. That conversation went like this: cricket cricket. So yeah, basically, I still didn't understand what my friend wanted me to talk about on the phone. Like, I knew my friend made a point by telling me I only called when it was about me but I didn't know how to fix it so I continued to call when I needed me-time. Selfish right? Well, like I said, this was a looooong time ago.
Well, it took five years for me to get it...
The roles have been switched. I am now my friend and I have another friend who is being me. It goes like this: We met like a year ago and hit it off really well. No creepy feeling, no next-day texting, no intimate convos, just simple nonsense texting getting to know each other. We really wanted to hang out and stuff and I laughed a lot. I really liked talking to this friend. Then out of no where, the conversations got personal. Being the person that I am, I can't help to fill in the gaps of people's lives. When they can't explain something, I make it clear. When they need to be put back in reality I shove them. When they need venting I instigate. So I thought I was being considerate of this friend's feelings. Of course, then my friend started to want advice very often until that was the only time when I heard from this person. And I'm like really? What bothers me is that we are not talking about a freshman situation anymore. We are talking about an adult. Shoot myself in the foot for being so nice!
I'm not a life coach, I'm not a counselor, I'm not Dr. Phill or Maury. I'm not a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist. I'm an English major college student that reads a lot and likes to think. But I also have feelings and my feelings are hurt. So in honor of the friend that first told me "how come you only call me to talk about your problems or when you need advice or when you want help? how come you never call to say hi or to just chit chat?", this blog is for you. I am sorry for being soooo selfish. I now understand what you meant and if I could tell you this in person I would, but, I don't think you would forgive me now, much less listen to me. I am truly honestly sorry for being a duchebag and only calling you when I needed you. I'm sorry I bothered you with all my life troubles and my boy drama. You gave me the best advice anyone could ask for and you taught me a lot about life, so much that up to this point, my life has not been a surprise to me. Please forgive me. Please. I was young and dumb and it obviously took this long to get it because its finally slapping me in the face. So, I'm sorry.
To my friend being the douchebag now, I'm tired of texting you and you not caring to carry out a conversation. I do not want to see you next Saturday or in the forseeable future. At least not until you stop being a duche and start acting like you did when we first met. I do not want to give you advice. I am so disappointed at your hang-out plans which btw, let me and some other people down because you invited US and then decided not to go. I think I know why you are being negligent with your friends and honestly you're in for a big fat nasty disappointment. But I'm not going to bother to tell you because I don't honestly care what happens. Oh and PS, remember that I'm 99.9% always right. When it happens I will know because once again, you will return to me for advice and I will press 'delete.' In fact, you won't ever know that I don't care anymore becuase you are not going to read this blog. People in Malaysia and Russia ( Russians love my blog the second most after the USA) will read this blog and say, kdjoe skfiej kjdofiekf lksifkj lsifjee ( that is my russian!) and continue their lives. I will continue my life without you becuse you said we were good friends, emphasis on good, and now you are proving to be the absolute worst. You're not only using me, you are refusing to admit that you are doing it and excusing yourself by being "busy," Well guess what? I've always been busy but never busy enough to say hi or solve one of your life tangles. You hurt my feelings.
In 2011 skipped like three months of blogging. I never want to do that again. (2:53 AM)
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Don't poop in your underwear
Three things are on my mind right now:
1. My sinus allergies are not getting better and its really hard to breathe
2. My wisdom teeth are taking over my mouth and I feel painful pressure on my top and bottom teeth and my mouth is tired of being 'open' so my teeth don't touch. It also made me super hungry...
3. April hasn't had a haircut since we got her and she is full of knots. She's fluffy and the fluffy look fits her, but with her skin rash, she is covered in knots.
SO...
I was just thinking the other day when was the first time that I decided I didn't want to have kids. I was going to be a senior in high school actually. Before that, I had my marriage life planned out with two or three kids, I even picked names and ways to raise them and discipline them and parenting methods. I was so in love with the idea of keeping everything so I could tell my kids and grandkids, "when I was your age, this was my first blah blah." I even played mother role at times with kids that are not mine. More than once did I get complimented on how good I was with kids ( I still am). I was told I would be a great mother. I agreed.
And then there were goldfish...
See, that Summer of 2010 my family sat with another family we are really good friends with. They have a son that is the apple of my eye. I was left in charge of baby sitting him during the last part of the morning program and intermission so that my mom, my sister, his mom and his dad worked in the baptizm departmen. My dad was in accounting. So it was just me and that lovely child. Well everything was going well except when lunch started. I had to actually dig through his family's stuff to find the kid's lunch and then feed him. No biggie. But! Things did go wrong. I started to get all panicky because I couldn't find his lunch and the kid was hungry. I finally found it, fixed his lunch and then handed him his sandwich. I even prayed with him. Then out of no where I found this bag of goldfish and it just so happened to occur to me to offer him some. He said yes. So I handed him the whole bag. Then I turned around to find my sandwich.
dkjofekdfoenajsdfkjsmashshshshsss
What was I thinking handing him the whole one gallon ziploc bag of goldfish to serve himself??? I clearly had a moment of stupidity. Yeah I wanted to hit myself because I had to clean it up because it was my fault, not the kid's. Thank goodness for who arrived to be my leverage because he took the kid so I could get my head back in place and clean up. I also ate my sandwich and when he came back we both had the kid and we looked like a family. Well, I didn't like the picture.
After serious thinking, I came up with a list of 50 reasons not to have kids. I couldn't think of any good reasons to actually have kids. In fact, when people tell me that I'm the one that is going to end up with kids first I explain to them how selfish it is to bring kids into this corrupt and ending world. Why would anyone want to put a human being through the horrid path of imperfect life with all the suffereing that comes with it? Just so you can fulfill parental happiness? Why can't they wait until they can give birth to perfect kids in a perfect world and be perfect parents?
So no, I will not have kids in this world. I refuse. I have looked at every birth control method and if I have to do them ALL at the same time then by all means, I will do them all. I will not get pregnant and go through that extra hormonal imbalance, I will not raise a child in this world and I will not stit there and see my child suffer in this world. No no no, and no!
When I hear people say, "oh I want to have kids," I respect that decision. Just like they should respect mine for not wanting any. Of course, you never hear them say " oh I want a toddler," or "a teenager" or "a young adult." You also don't hear people say "I want a kid with Autism." We already-existing-beings have no choice or control in the suffering we have in life, its not like we chose to be diabetic in our old age. But why can't people think that in this system, kids will have that lifestyle. Plus they are expensive.
There are always firsts in life. First cavity, first Barbie, first Hot-Wheels, first teacher, first backstab, first kiss, first change of heart. To me, deciding to not have kids was a major life change, but it won't be the first time I change my mind about something of such great impact. Then again, I still love kids.
On another note, I messed up BIG time at work by undercharging tuition to some parents, but the good thing is that I have a good boss. I can't wait until school starts to get another year of kids. Kids make up my life, that is why I like my job and that I why I am good with them. So long as they are not mine.
1. My sinus allergies are not getting better and its really hard to breathe
2. My wisdom teeth are taking over my mouth and I feel painful pressure on my top and bottom teeth and my mouth is tired of being 'open' so my teeth don't touch. It also made me super hungry...
3. April hasn't had a haircut since we got her and she is full of knots. She's fluffy and the fluffy look fits her, but with her skin rash, she is covered in knots.
SO...
I was just thinking the other day when was the first time that I decided I didn't want to have kids. I was going to be a senior in high school actually. Before that, I had my marriage life planned out with two or three kids, I even picked names and ways to raise them and discipline them and parenting methods. I was so in love with the idea of keeping everything so I could tell my kids and grandkids, "when I was your age, this was my first blah blah." I even played mother role at times with kids that are not mine. More than once did I get complimented on how good I was with kids ( I still am). I was told I would be a great mother. I agreed.
And then there were goldfish...
See, that Summer of 2010 my family sat with another family we are really good friends with. They have a son that is the apple of my eye. I was left in charge of baby sitting him during the last part of the morning program and intermission so that my mom, my sister, his mom and his dad worked in the baptizm departmen. My dad was in accounting. So it was just me and that lovely child. Well everything was going well except when lunch started. I had to actually dig through his family's stuff to find the kid's lunch and then feed him. No biggie. But! Things did go wrong. I started to get all panicky because I couldn't find his lunch and the kid was hungry. I finally found it, fixed his lunch and then handed him his sandwich. I even prayed with him. Then out of no where I found this bag of goldfish and it just so happened to occur to me to offer him some. He said yes. So I handed him the whole bag. Then I turned around to find my sandwich.
dkjofekdfoenajsdfkjsmashshshshsss
What was I thinking handing him the whole one gallon ziploc bag of goldfish to serve himself??? I clearly had a moment of stupidity. Yeah I wanted to hit myself because I had to clean it up because it was my fault, not the kid's. Thank goodness for who arrived to be my leverage because he took the kid so I could get my head back in place and clean up. I also ate my sandwich and when he came back we both had the kid and we looked like a family. Well, I didn't like the picture.
After serious thinking, I came up with a list of 50 reasons not to have kids. I couldn't think of any good reasons to actually have kids. In fact, when people tell me that I'm the one that is going to end up with kids first I explain to them how selfish it is to bring kids into this corrupt and ending world. Why would anyone want to put a human being through the horrid path of imperfect life with all the suffereing that comes with it? Just so you can fulfill parental happiness? Why can't they wait until they can give birth to perfect kids in a perfect world and be perfect parents?
So no, I will not have kids in this world. I refuse. I have looked at every birth control method and if I have to do them ALL at the same time then by all means, I will do them all. I will not get pregnant and go through that extra hormonal imbalance, I will not raise a child in this world and I will not stit there and see my child suffer in this world. No no no, and no!
When I hear people say, "oh I want to have kids," I respect that decision. Just like they should respect mine for not wanting any. Of course, you never hear them say " oh I want a toddler," or "a teenager" or "a young adult." You also don't hear people say "I want a kid with Autism." We already-existing-beings have no choice or control in the suffering we have in life, its not like we chose to be diabetic in our old age. But why can't people think that in this system, kids will have that lifestyle. Plus they are expensive.
There are always firsts in life. First cavity, first Barbie, first Hot-Wheels, first teacher, first backstab, first kiss, first change of heart. To me, deciding to not have kids was a major life change, but it won't be the first time I change my mind about something of such great impact. Then again, I still love kids.
On another note, I messed up BIG time at work by undercharging tuition to some parents, but the good thing is that I have a good boss. I can't wait until school starts to get another year of kids. Kids make up my life, that is why I like my job and that I why I am good with them. So long as they are not mine.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Salad for Dessert
Let's pretend you like grilled chicken. I mean, who doesn't like grilled chicken? Unless you are a vegetarian, everyone loves grilled chicken. But for the purpose of this blog, we are going to pretend that no matter what, you love grilled chicken. The juicyness and the tenderness of the chicken combined with that smoky grilled flavor. The seasoning just perfect so it does not interfere with the chicken flavor. Oh that grilled chicken you have for lunch every day. You love it so much that every time you eat it, its like you are trying it for the first time. You cannot ever wait to eat your grilled chicken because of how perfect it is and no matter what, you will never be saitisfied of your lovely grilled chicken. I mean, you can eat it with a salad, or on a sandwich or over pilaf, you name it, it goes perfectly with your grilled chicken. Plus the calorie intake is not too guilty. Who does not love grilled chicken. It makes lunch so predictable and easy. You know what you are going to have because you love it so much.
One day, you run out of grilled chicken and all you have is steak. Your lunch just got a makeover.
That's what I think right now of my friendships. You see reader, I love all my friends. I have my friends, then my good friends, my close friends and my "best" friends. They each have a purpose and a place in my life. All of them know enough about me but nothing at the same time. It balances out so that no one has any good backup for backstabbing. All my friends are fun to be with and they all make me feel different. I can be 100% me or 75% me. Its all perfect friend-wise in my existance right now. I would hope that if I died one day, they would know what to make of me.
Let's just reminess a little on the past Sunday. Not only was it amazing, it was super fullfilling. This is how it pretty much went: After waking up super early to study, I took a nice steamy shower and got ready to go on service. Only too bad for me because I didn't know that service on Sundays is no longer at 9:45 so I ended up going to give a study with my mom. When we got back, my friend was at my house waiting. Now, this was too bad for the both of us because I ran out of product for my hair so no matter what, it HAD to be straightened. My hair looks amazing straight, so I went through the painful process of putting excessive heat on my hair to make it amazing, plus I had no product. So after a painful one hour of hair and wardrobe, we set off to the last English convention to watch the drama in English. Did I mention that I looked amazing? The next painful thing was finding seats because we got there as soon as the intermission started and every seat was taken apparently...I mean we ate like horses. I used to think that there are creeps all over but now I actually believe it. One of the girls I was with litterally got major creeped on. So embarrassing but I guess that's what happens when you have beautiful hott friends... Once the program started we sang standing up in the hallway waiting to be seated which happened like ten minutes after the drama started. The drama was so realistic in English; it was a little too real actually. Then we had super-amazing-loud-fun at the restaurant.
Let's break it up. We had super fun. Super fun means we made the hang out happen which is not always possible since we all have different lives. Amazing fun means it was different from everything else we do in the sense that we all made it different by being different. Yeah, we were in a big party but everyone was doing the eat-talk thing while we were doing amazing fun. Loud fun litereally means we were the loudest to talk, the loudest to laugh and the loudest to leave. But what made Sunday happen the way it did is that we did not let anything bother us. We had very healthy conversation and bonding. We made plans for Tuesday and we stuck to it. We took very cute pictures and instagramed them. Yes, Sunday was the kind of day that I wish it were every day. Like having grilled chicken everyday until you run out and you have to eat steak.
At that point we went from the restaurant to a hang out. How did we go from a convention to a make-believe party? I don't know. I didn't even realize when we got too crazy, I just sat there and watched the boys dance like idiots. But who cares? We had fun!!!
Friends are like that, you have your friends and they are the best people in your life. They make simple moments the epic highlight of your existance. Sometimes you realize you need something better, and since my life has been no surprise, I think that my friends are what make it worth it. Maybe I need a friend make-over, like hanging out with people MY age. But I won't rush it because I'm having fun trying to find some steak.
One day, you run out of grilled chicken and all you have is steak. Your lunch just got a makeover.
That's what I think right now of my friendships. You see reader, I love all my friends. I have my friends, then my good friends, my close friends and my "best" friends. They each have a purpose and a place in my life. All of them know enough about me but nothing at the same time. It balances out so that no one has any good backup for backstabbing. All my friends are fun to be with and they all make me feel different. I can be 100% me or 75% me. Its all perfect friend-wise in my existance right now. I would hope that if I died one day, they would know what to make of me.
Let's just reminess a little on the past Sunday. Not only was it amazing, it was super fullfilling. This is how it pretty much went: After waking up super early to study, I took a nice steamy shower and got ready to go on service. Only too bad for me because I didn't know that service on Sundays is no longer at 9:45 so I ended up going to give a study with my mom. When we got back, my friend was at my house waiting. Now, this was too bad for the both of us because I ran out of product for my hair so no matter what, it HAD to be straightened. My hair looks amazing straight, so I went through the painful process of putting excessive heat on my hair to make it amazing, plus I had no product. So after a painful one hour of hair and wardrobe, we set off to the last English convention to watch the drama in English. Did I mention that I looked amazing? The next painful thing was finding seats because we got there as soon as the intermission started and every seat was taken apparently...I mean we ate like horses. I used to think that there are creeps all over but now I actually believe it. One of the girls I was with litterally got major creeped on. So embarrassing but I guess that's what happens when you have beautiful hott friends... Once the program started we sang standing up in the hallway waiting to be seated which happened like ten minutes after the drama started. The drama was so realistic in English; it was a little too real actually. Then we had super-amazing-loud-fun at the restaurant.
Let's break it up. We had super fun. Super fun means we made the hang out happen which is not always possible since we all have different lives. Amazing fun means it was different from everything else we do in the sense that we all made it different by being different. Yeah, we were in a big party but everyone was doing the eat-talk thing while we were doing amazing fun. Loud fun litereally means we were the loudest to talk, the loudest to laugh and the loudest to leave. But what made Sunday happen the way it did is that we did not let anything bother us. We had very healthy conversation and bonding. We made plans for Tuesday and we stuck to it. We took very cute pictures and instagramed them. Yes, Sunday was the kind of day that I wish it were every day. Like having grilled chicken everyday until you run out and you have to eat steak.
At that point we went from the restaurant to a hang out. How did we go from a convention to a make-believe party? I don't know. I didn't even realize when we got too crazy, I just sat there and watched the boys dance like idiots. But who cares? We had fun!!!
Friends are like that, you have your friends and they are the best people in your life. They make simple moments the epic highlight of your existance. Sometimes you realize you need something better, and since my life has been no surprise, I think that my friends are what make it worth it. Maybe I need a friend make-over, like hanging out with people MY age. But I won't rush it because I'm having fun trying to find some steak.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Achille's Tendon
"The name Achilles' heel comes from Greek mythology. Achilles' mother, the goddess Thetis, received a prophecy of her son's death. Hearing this, she dipped him into the River Styx to protect his body from harm. However, she kept hold of his heel, meaning that the water did not touch this part of his body and it was therefore vulnerable. During the Trojan War, Achilles was struck on his unprotected heel by a poisoned arrow shot by Paris, which killed him. In the same war, Achilles is also said to have cut behind Hector's Achilles tendons, having killed him, and threaded leather thongs through the incisions in order to drag him behind a chariot." -Wikepedia
1. Be nice
2. Don't be a duchebag
3. If you want to say something, put it in the Blog.
For the past four days I've been thinking about what I want to say and how I am going to say it. Well, for one, I belive the three points mentions above are possibly the best advice I've been given in a long time. The only reason being is because the person that gave them to me is dear and near in my heart.
Why...
Here's why: In my past blog I mentioned that I have difficulty making friends and sometimes even talking to people. Regular conversation is ok, I can do that. The kind of conversation that is deep I can only have with this ONE person. No it is not my mother, although she is very close. This person is the only friend that has been with me in the absolute worst and the absolute best. No matter what the situation is. And I miss this friend.
A lot of people think I'm strong, probably too strong. Well guess what? They are W-R-O-N-G!!!
What I consider to be strong is very different than actually being strong. This is what I have always told all my friends: It's your choice. Everyone has the choice to be strong in the most difficult cases. Death included. Everything is in the head of the affected person. In your head is also the will power to be strong and say 'I can do it.' Disney wasn't wrong when he said "If you believe, its possible." Well, I grew up with Disney and I do believe that if a person truly believes its possible, then it is. Think of the Wright brothers; they belived they could invent a flying machine and they did. Its in our own will to be able to do something or not do it.
*Want an A? Believe!
*Want to write a novel? Believe!
*Want to own a coorporation? Believe!
*Want to forget someone who hurt you? Believe!
*Want to be a millionaire? Believe!
*Want to invent something? Believe!
*Want to loose weight? Believe!
*Want to be beautiful? Believe!
*Want to get married? Believe!
*Want to be happy? Believe!
I'm a realist, and I know better than anyone that not everything in life is absolutely possible, but I believe we can get as close as we want to. It takes effort, determination and courage to acually believe that something can be done. I promise you, my dear reader, that it is very, very possible.
What about the Tendon? Everyone has weaknesses, right? Yes. Weaknesses are what make us loose faith and not believe that it can be done. My weakeness comes from forgetting what I am really worth. I'm not always strong, I just don't like to show it. I like to think that if I really want something, I'm not going to sit there and sulk. I'm not going to think of ten thousand reasons why it can't be done. I'm not going to look for pity parties. I'm not going to sit there and look at the past and just be depressed for ever. That is what makes us weak. Negativiy. Sitting in a room thinking of all the things that could have happened won't change anything. The past is unchangeable. The present is alone the only thing that will impact the future.
No, I am not always strong. Sometimes negativity invades all my thoughts and I start to hate myself and at that poitn I want to go to my comfort spot. Away form everyone. Doing that is very easy and it takes no effort at all. All it takes is me looking at the past and there I go, down a hole. Coming out of the hole takes A LOT of effort and I don't always have the energy. Instead, I try very hard to not look back. I stay focused on my life ahead. I have a lot of life left (maybe not in this system, which is lot better to think of), and in my future life I have a lot of plans. I have goals that I want to reach. I can't get there if I sit in my room all the time. I have to go out there and get it!
Will power is inside of everyone, you just have to believe.
1. Be nice
2. Don't be a duchebag
3. If you want to say something, put it in the Blog.
For the past four days I've been thinking about what I want to say and how I am going to say it. Well, for one, I belive the three points mentions above are possibly the best advice I've been given in a long time. The only reason being is because the person that gave them to me is dear and near in my heart.
Why...
Here's why: In my past blog I mentioned that I have difficulty making friends and sometimes even talking to people. Regular conversation is ok, I can do that. The kind of conversation that is deep I can only have with this ONE person. No it is not my mother, although she is very close. This person is the only friend that has been with me in the absolute worst and the absolute best. No matter what the situation is. And I miss this friend.
A lot of people think I'm strong, probably too strong. Well guess what? They are W-R-O-N-G!!!
What I consider to be strong is very different than actually being strong. This is what I have always told all my friends: It's your choice. Everyone has the choice to be strong in the most difficult cases. Death included. Everything is in the head of the affected person. In your head is also the will power to be strong and say 'I can do it.' Disney wasn't wrong when he said "If you believe, its possible." Well, I grew up with Disney and I do believe that if a person truly believes its possible, then it is. Think of the Wright brothers; they belived they could invent a flying machine and they did. Its in our own will to be able to do something or not do it.
*Want an A? Believe!
*Want to write a novel? Believe!
*Want to own a coorporation? Believe!
*Want to forget someone who hurt you? Believe!
*Want to be a millionaire? Believe!
*Want to invent something? Believe!
*Want to loose weight? Believe!
*Want to be beautiful? Believe!
*Want to get married? Believe!
*Want to be happy? Believe!
I'm a realist, and I know better than anyone that not everything in life is absolutely possible, but I believe we can get as close as we want to. It takes effort, determination and courage to acually believe that something can be done. I promise you, my dear reader, that it is very, very possible.
What about the Tendon? Everyone has weaknesses, right? Yes. Weaknesses are what make us loose faith and not believe that it can be done. My weakeness comes from forgetting what I am really worth. I'm not always strong, I just don't like to show it. I like to think that if I really want something, I'm not going to sit there and sulk. I'm not going to think of ten thousand reasons why it can't be done. I'm not going to look for pity parties. I'm not going to sit there and look at the past and just be depressed for ever. That is what makes us weak. Negativiy. Sitting in a room thinking of all the things that could have happened won't change anything. The past is unchangeable. The present is alone the only thing that will impact the future.
No, I am not always strong. Sometimes negativity invades all my thoughts and I start to hate myself and at that poitn I want to go to my comfort spot. Away form everyone. Doing that is very easy and it takes no effort at all. All it takes is me looking at the past and there I go, down a hole. Coming out of the hole takes A LOT of effort and I don't always have the energy. Instead, I try very hard to not look back. I stay focused on my life ahead. I have a lot of life left (maybe not in this system, which is lot better to think of), and in my future life I have a lot of plans. I have goals that I want to reach. I can't get there if I sit in my room all the time. I have to go out there and get it!
Will power is inside of everyone, you just have to believe.
Monday, June 18, 2012
My Sister Calls it Awk...
Awk...
What is that word? More like, what is half of that word?
A long time ago, like four, five, years ago, I used to be this very nice person. I was the kind of person that always looked at the bright side of things and said very nice things and wanted to be friends with everybody. I was so full of confidence a long time ago. Of course, it was so long ago that I had no experience with people and of course I had not been hurt. So eventually I changed. Not just because of one person, but because a lot of people and bitter experiences.
We all have a right to protect our hearts in what ever way we want to. No one can judge us because the pain we feel once we experienced something awful is a pain that stays inside our small hearts. You see, I had a friend who had overconfidence, the bad kind. I had the good kind of confidence, like I could teach a college class about it and it would have been called Confidence 2501. Well, that friend had some friends that I eventually became friends with. At the time, they turned out to be the best kind of friends that I had had in my entire life. I wanted to be with them so much; to be part of their group.They were so cool to me, like, celebrities almost.
Today I'm only really close friends with one of them.
You see my beloved reader, I'm the kind of person that turned out to be socially awkward. I'm not the kind of socially awkward person that cannot socialize with anybody, a loner. I'm also not the person that makes frenemies or fake friends. I'm not emo, depressed or suicidal socially awkward. I have two very polar attitudes. When I'm comfortable with myself and the group I'm in, I can make really good conversation and I'll even make some good jokes. I am myself. I don't care what those people think because I am comfortable enough to trust them to not hate me if I say something dumb. Then there's the other side of my social awkwardness. If I feel outshined, or if I'm the only stranger there, yeah, I won't talk much.
AND I LIKE TO TALK A LOT. LIKE, A TON.
Sometimes I have to be told to shut up. One of my friends likes to say that I always know what to say, that I can make conversation with anyone without difficulty. As if I could spot a cute guy and just walk up to him and bust out in conversation. Well I'm not like that. Yes it is true that the people who know me think that I can be like that, but that doesn't mean that I will.
Why?
Simply put, I don't trust people. I can look at someone and really like them from sight or really dislike them. I don't have a midground. Part of the reason that I am like that is because the people that surround me don't like to mingle. They are a little boring and its very frustrating because I have tried numerous times to introduce them to the world of mingling and it just doesn't work. I can almost say its rubbed on me a little. Once I find my comfort spot, I like to stay there. My mom is against that though and she tells me that in order to have friends, we have to be a friend. Easier said than done and especially because that woman is no closer to anyone else as the sun is close to Mars. But then she goes and tells me that I can't trust people. So my little brain says, "which is it woman!" I'd like to look up to her because she is right and she is my mom, but I can't look up to someone who doesn't set the example, so I just agree with her and try to be the best kind of friend to my friends.
Lately I have been faced with this situation: "So-and-So is lonely, be friends with them." I used to feel bragged about the situation because that meant that I am trustworthy and friendly and a good company, but now I think to myself, "Well I don't know if that person is going to be trustworthy and friendly back to me." So I turn down the request. We are not in Kindergarten anymore, we don't walk up to people and say, "Will you be my friend". No! It takes time and effort to build a relationship and I am honestly, a very difficult person to be around. I am very complicated and annoying at times. I also have a 3-strikes rule: I invite you 3 times and if 3 times you turn me down, I don't invite you again. Period. I will come to the conclusion that you don't want to hang out with me so I will avoid you the discomfort of turning me down; or more like keeping me in limbo.
When I was little I was scared of everything and it was really hard for me to make friends in school because I was afraid to talk to people. I just didn't know what to say. I don't have low self-esteem, I like myself a lot. A LOT. (HEHE). I just don't always like people. Or I like them too much and I don't want to overwhelm them or scare them away. So I smile and agree and wave good-bye.
I guess I have to work on my personality? Yeah...........awk-ward
What is that word? More like, what is half of that word?
A long time ago, like four, five, years ago, I used to be this very nice person. I was the kind of person that always looked at the bright side of things and said very nice things and wanted to be friends with everybody. I was so full of confidence a long time ago. Of course, it was so long ago that I had no experience with people and of course I had not been hurt. So eventually I changed. Not just because of one person, but because a lot of people and bitter experiences.
We all have a right to protect our hearts in what ever way we want to. No one can judge us because the pain we feel once we experienced something awful is a pain that stays inside our small hearts. You see, I had a friend who had overconfidence, the bad kind. I had the good kind of confidence, like I could teach a college class about it and it would have been called Confidence 2501. Well, that friend had some friends that I eventually became friends with. At the time, they turned out to be the best kind of friends that I had had in my entire life. I wanted to be with them so much; to be part of their group.They were so cool to me, like, celebrities almost.
Today I'm only really close friends with one of them.
You see my beloved reader, I'm the kind of person that turned out to be socially awkward. I'm not the kind of socially awkward person that cannot socialize with anybody, a loner. I'm also not the person that makes frenemies or fake friends. I'm not emo, depressed or suicidal socially awkward. I have two very polar attitudes. When I'm comfortable with myself and the group I'm in, I can make really good conversation and I'll even make some good jokes. I am myself. I don't care what those people think because I am comfortable enough to trust them to not hate me if I say something dumb. Then there's the other side of my social awkwardness. If I feel outshined, or if I'm the only stranger there, yeah, I won't talk much.
AND I LIKE TO TALK A LOT. LIKE, A TON.
Sometimes I have to be told to shut up. One of my friends likes to say that I always know what to say, that I can make conversation with anyone without difficulty. As if I could spot a cute guy and just walk up to him and bust out in conversation. Well I'm not like that. Yes it is true that the people who know me think that I can be like that, but that doesn't mean that I will.
Why?
Simply put, I don't trust people. I can look at someone and really like them from sight or really dislike them. I don't have a midground. Part of the reason that I am like that is because the people that surround me don't like to mingle. They are a little boring and its very frustrating because I have tried numerous times to introduce them to the world of mingling and it just doesn't work. I can almost say its rubbed on me a little. Once I find my comfort spot, I like to stay there. My mom is against that though and she tells me that in order to have friends, we have to be a friend. Easier said than done and especially because that woman is no closer to anyone else as the sun is close to Mars. But then she goes and tells me that I can't trust people. So my little brain says, "which is it woman!" I'd like to look up to her because she is right and she is my mom, but I can't look up to someone who doesn't set the example, so I just agree with her and try to be the best kind of friend to my friends.
Lately I have been faced with this situation: "So-and-So is lonely, be friends with them." I used to feel bragged about the situation because that meant that I am trustworthy and friendly and a good company, but now I think to myself, "Well I don't know if that person is going to be trustworthy and friendly back to me." So I turn down the request. We are not in Kindergarten anymore, we don't walk up to people and say, "Will you be my friend". No! It takes time and effort to build a relationship and I am honestly, a very difficult person to be around. I am very complicated and annoying at times. I also have a 3-strikes rule: I invite you 3 times and if 3 times you turn me down, I don't invite you again. Period. I will come to the conclusion that you don't want to hang out with me so I will avoid you the discomfort of turning me down; or more like keeping me in limbo.
When I was little I was scared of everything and it was really hard for me to make friends in school because I was afraid to talk to people. I just didn't know what to say. I don't have low self-esteem, I like myself a lot. A LOT. (HEHE). I just don't always like people. Or I like them too much and I don't want to overwhelm them or scare them away. So I smile and agree and wave good-bye.
I guess I have to work on my personality? Yeah...........awk-ward
Friday, June 15, 2012
La Vaisselle
Everyone is enjoying the last of their meals. What ever it was, pasta, chicken, or even leftovers, what makes it taste so good is the mood. Around the table everyone shares a bit of their day, the most outstanding events. The mood is relaxed, humorous, and even nonchalant. As the meals are being finished, dishes are being picked up to be washed and put away. At this point, something bitter penetrates the atmosphere making it hard to breathe. What is it? What in the world could possibly disrupt a family dinner?
Pride.
I've seen this happen over and over, not just in the above scenario, but in many other occasions. The reason why I am writing this is because as I am sitting in my room, I'm thinking of all kinds of reasons as to why I haven't written in the past two months. Let me just say that I don't consider myself to be pridefull, but I am also not perfect. I have my flaws and one of them at times is my pride. But let us begin to examine this aspect of life by defining its meaning. To me there are two types of pride: the kind that makes you feel all bubbly and pink inside because you did something good and the kind that blinds your reasoning skills and doesn't allow you to face a mistake. Very opposite right? How can pride be good and bad at the same time? Well, pride is a little green monster inside of us. I mean, we all feel great because we got a good grade, or because we gave CPR to a fainted child. My point is, the good kind of pride makes you want to write a book about your accomplishments. Its the kind of feeling that if the whole world was doing something right, we would all get along. Its the good kind of bragging. You walk into the room with your chin held high and you want to say, "yes, I did that and I'm so proud of it."
The bad pride hurts.
It hurts no matter how much you apologize. Why? Because you don't apologize. The little green monster inside will wrap its little green claws around the other person's feelings until the other person breaks in two. Two nasty little parts: the mind and the heart. The bad kind of pride doesn't feel bad for hurting someone because in their mind, what they did, or said, was right. No matter how much they hurt the other person. Like racism. White people thought they were better and abused their slaves and when the slaves were free, they were too proud to say I'm sorry. The bad pride turns people into jerks. The kind of jerks everyone hates. Yeah, I said hate and I'll say it again, people hate jerks! JERKS!!!
JERK JERK JERK JERK JERK=HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE
Its good to say that although I have a lot of pride in my accomplishmets, I'm not too proud to apologize. I know when I'm wrong. I can admit when I'm wrong. There may be one single person in this little planet that will tell you otherwise. Yet, I disagree. I can tell you right away if I am wrong. I am not perfect and the fact that people think that I can manage it all breaks my heart. I'm not plastic you know? I'm a human with feelings and goals. I'm a human that makes mistakes, thinks bad thoughts and says bad things. That's how imperfect I am. I can't do everything even thought I pretend to. I cannot be forced to be Ms. Social-Nice-Good Example.
If there is one thing that I hate more than pride are assumptions but you my reader, already know that. Anyone who assumes I am excellen at everything I do is obviously not close to me. You got to know me in order to predict me. I don't like everyone, I will not talk to everyone and I will not, no matter what, approve of anyone who is too proud to say I'm sorry.
Pride.
I've seen this happen over and over, not just in the above scenario, but in many other occasions. The reason why I am writing this is because as I am sitting in my room, I'm thinking of all kinds of reasons as to why I haven't written in the past two months. Let me just say that I don't consider myself to be pridefull, but I am also not perfect. I have my flaws and one of them at times is my pride. But let us begin to examine this aspect of life by defining its meaning. To me there are two types of pride: the kind that makes you feel all bubbly and pink inside because you did something good and the kind that blinds your reasoning skills and doesn't allow you to face a mistake. Very opposite right? How can pride be good and bad at the same time? Well, pride is a little green monster inside of us. I mean, we all feel great because we got a good grade, or because we gave CPR to a fainted child. My point is, the good kind of pride makes you want to write a book about your accomplishments. Its the kind of feeling that if the whole world was doing something right, we would all get along. Its the good kind of bragging. You walk into the room with your chin held high and you want to say, "yes, I did that and I'm so proud of it."
The bad pride hurts.
It hurts no matter how much you apologize. Why? Because you don't apologize. The little green monster inside will wrap its little green claws around the other person's feelings until the other person breaks in two. Two nasty little parts: the mind and the heart. The bad kind of pride doesn't feel bad for hurting someone because in their mind, what they did, or said, was right. No matter how much they hurt the other person. Like racism. White people thought they were better and abused their slaves and when the slaves were free, they were too proud to say I'm sorry. The bad pride turns people into jerks. The kind of jerks everyone hates. Yeah, I said hate and I'll say it again, people hate jerks! JERKS!!!
JERK JERK JERK JERK JERK=HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE
Its good to say that although I have a lot of pride in my accomplishmets, I'm not too proud to apologize. I know when I'm wrong. I can admit when I'm wrong. There may be one single person in this little planet that will tell you otherwise. Yet, I disagree. I can tell you right away if I am wrong. I am not perfect and the fact that people think that I can manage it all breaks my heart. I'm not plastic you know? I'm a human with feelings and goals. I'm a human that makes mistakes, thinks bad thoughts and says bad things. That's how imperfect I am. I can't do everything even thought I pretend to. I cannot be forced to be Ms. Social-Nice-Good Example.
If there is one thing that I hate more than pride are assumptions but you my reader, already know that. Anyone who assumes I am excellen at everything I do is obviously not close to me. You got to know me in order to predict me. I don't like everyone, I will not talk to everyone and I will not, no matter what, approve of anyone who is too proud to say I'm sorry.
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