Tinie Tiny

Misanthropy.

I like that word.

I think I have to do some re-evaluation of the people in my life and the things they stand for.

I think its time for change.

April Has Trust Issues

Some of you may know that I have a miniature french poodle named April. She thinks she is a cat. Also, I diagnosed her with schizophreni and hates bows but allows us to put sweaters on her when its cold. Yep, that's the doggie I love. She absolutely loves her toys, especially a colorful worm I call Squeeker. Like any other canine, she likes to chew her bone, bark at the doorbell and run around like crazy. Oh and she makes a scary face when she is very happy... which I find very unusual.
April hides under the bed a lot. She does it when she's in trouble, when she's about to get a bath, and mostly when she is scared or angry.

April has trust issues because any stranger that she meets she will run away from. She will fight for her life when anyone tries to even pet her. She won't bite, in fact, I don't think she even knows how to bite and she won't bark. She'll just run away. Well, I was thinking I'm like April. Lately I've found myself in situations when I literally just want to run away. Technically, I did in one certain occasion.

I've done some thinking about nice people and I've decided there are two kinds of nice: cheesy and non-cheesy. The cheese kind are too nice, attach too soon and are mushy and clingy. No one likes those kind of nice. The non-cheesy know when to be nice and when to get real. They are the fruit of the earth and get along with everyone, they are everyone's best friend. 

Then comes the time when big groups gather for an activity. Don't get me wrong, I have always thought the more the merrier. I love going out in big groups! However, put me in a big group of strangers and I shrink. My personality goes into this tiny box. So I sit and listen and make a comment here and there. I smile, and laugh when necessary and in the end, all goes well. I fail at shinning in society... I guess deep down inside I will always and forever be shy.

When I was in kindergarten I had friends. I can't remember how I made those friends. It's weird because I remember crying on my first weeks of school, I rememeber being so nervous I'd throw up, and I remember not talking to anyone. Then there were friends. I'd be friends with everyone in the class but of course I'd have my closer friends. Every year was the same until 8th grade. I can only rember how I started to branch out and it was not in the coolest way.( Stalking some may call it but that's another story.) So I am sitting here wondering how one makes friends. Like, smile and talk? Talk about what? Myself? Them? The weather? The party? I don't know... I guess some people I can talk to really good but in general, I don't know what to say. Ever. Which is funny because I wrote a blog about my friend thinking I always know what to say...

I don't know how to make friends. I'm super shy. Like, run-away-and-hide-shy. Whyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!! Its so frustrating because I really want to know how I made friends with the people that I am friends with! I also want to know how it is that we stayed friends all this time. But I can't interview myself for a social experiment. So in the end I fail.

What's really sad though is when you find out your friends don't really like you afterall... Even worse is that they don't have the nerve to tell you in your face:

"Hey, you're annoying."
"Oh you think so? How come?"
"Oh I don't know...you're just so.... pink"
"OK well thanks for your honesty"

In real life it sounds like this:

"you know so-and-so is so annoying"
"why?"
"Oh I dont know...they are just so...pink"
"oh"

Yeah...people change.

Which is why I hearby want to promise to all my REAL friends that I refuse to be that dishonest person. I hearby promise to tell the truth and nothing but the truth in your face.

In order to get away from everything, I may need to do some adjustments; you can't be nice to everyone you know? I've also decided to branch out, and although I am physically alone, I know I have my family to support me. My real friends too; they are genuinely proud of me.  So I'm in the French congregation now...EEK!!!

Dopamine

I learned this in psych over the summer:

Bipolar people tend to have weird dopamine levels. Dopamine is the hormone our bodies produce that give us that "happy" feeling. Therefore, in order to compensate for the abnormal levels of dopamine in a bipolar person, doctors usally prescribe them dopamine drugs so they are "happy". Dopamine however is addicting. Eventually the doses need to be increased and then you end up being high on this drug that when it wears off, you crash. They become unstable and depressed and even have suicidal thoughts. Bipolar people suffer a lot becase they cannot control their states and periods of time of happiness or sadness. That, simply, just hurts.

 

 

Or something along those lines. That sounds about accurate so I will use dopamine today to respond to What's the meaning of this?  You see reader, there are a lot of ways that people can be forgotten. One of them is not dying. I say this because when someone dies, they cannot be replaced. They obtain the ultimate irreplaceable status. However, anyone CAN be replaced when they turn into a dopamine friendship. This kind of friendship is absolutely the most dangerous one because you cannot discern when things are ok and when they are not. It's like being on a high of happiness and all your senses are blurred and you cannot tell when those friends are actually hurting you more than what they are helping you.

 

 

Take for example what has happened to me lately. For a very long time, I've felt like I didn't belong to a group. I really wanted to be part of something special, I wanted to be in a family of friends like on TV (yeah yeah its cheesy, so what?!) Over the years, I've had many friends, some that I became really close to very fast and later turned into toxic friendships. Those are the kind that hurt you right away like poison. I've also had older friendships that I can count on for anything. Then there are those acquaintance friendships that I only see on a full moon. There are my long-distance frienships, my spiritual friendships and my party friendships. However, I still felt like a stranger. They say that if you can count one friend in one hand, you're lucky. I didn't think this to make sense until recently when I realized that friendship is not about hanging out and having fun. Its not about talking or knowing about someone's past. Friendship is about never giving up one someone's imperfections.

 

Dopamine friendships are different on a different scale.

 

When I was little I thought I would stay friends forever with my school friends. Turns out that all I have from them is a picture and some fun memories. I don't have any childhood friends. I only have friends that date back to my high school years and one friend that dates back to my junior high years. What that tells me is that if my friendships are not stable NOW,  I won't be friends with them in four or five years.

 

Honestly I think that is what is going to happen with my dopamine friendships. I can just see it all blow over in a couple of years. Right now it all seems so good and happy and perfectly fun. Yeah, well that is until all the lies started to sprout like weeds on a very pretty garden. Its all full of beautiful flowers all over and at first you can't see the weeds, all you can focus on are the flowers. However, if you look closely, you will see the weeds growing. Weeds grow fast and if they are not pulled by the root, they keep growing.

 

Just beause I feel happy right now, just because I feel part of something special, of a group, that doesnt' mean anything. All tha means is that for now, I have people to lean on when I want to hang out. But what do they know of me? What do they know about my difficult attitude? I mean my personallity is they kind that you either like or hate. There is no in between. And let's not even begin on my multiple crushes all at the same time. Or how about my dirty past? Everyone has a dirty past, but will they take me for my mistakes? I'm on a dopamine friendship high right now, but what about when I crash. When the dopamine stops coming into my body, will I be depressed, just like real dopamine?

 

 

I don't want dopamine friendships. I just want real friends. Not like the friends in the Young People Ask video. I mean, those are nice, but they are somewhat superficial. My mom is always telling me to expand my group of friends. Then she tells me not to trust people. Well...that is a very big conflict and I'm like, " how the heck to I make friends???" I can't remember how it happened with some of my recent real friends. I just know that one day I woke up, I was at the right place at the right time and then it just happened. It was like finding money in your jeans out of nowhere.  Well...I'm here to stay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm liking this video tagging thing on my blog :) All rights to the author(s)!!! No copyright intended.

 



On Being Invisible

I really like old people. For a long time I didn't like old people because they smell funny and complain a lot about their illnesses. Technically I had not really met all the cool old people. I mean, my grandparents are really neat and all but really they count on a different level. I love them very very much but its different with them.

I really don't know how to write this blog because I thought I did but turns out I don't. You see reader, old people are wise. They have lived life in every shape and they know what's up. I love talking to old people and asking them what things were like and just listening. I think that's the only way I know how to shut up and actually listen...

Old is good.

I never thought I would appreciate having old friends. Now don't take me wrong, by old I don't mean 52, I just mean older than me. Usually people who are are least 2-4 years older than me tend to be right all the time. The same goes for me having younger friends, I'm always right. Basically its the "been there, done that" situation. I didn't think I would mind age differences but lately turns out I do. I don't like to babysitt and I don't like to be babysitted. Humans like their freedom, which is actually something we don't do too well with. We are born to be ruled, so technically, we cannot be free ever.

So what happens when I'm wrong??? I sit here and blog. That's what happens.

Tonight I'm blogging about old people and friendships because I have come to find that I like being wrong. Yeah, yeah, I may not show it but that does not mean anything. What counts is how I feel inside. Actually, that goes for everyone and everything. Its not about words, its about actions. Tonight I am thinking on how wrong I have been in thinking that I could settle a deal with a guy and keep it. Well I'm stupid.

Anyone who has known me for about a day knows that I cannot contain my expressions and emotions. If I'm sad I cry, if I'm happy I laugh, if I'm comfortable I fart, if I'm lazy I wear no make-up, if I'm angry I overreact. I'm no mystery at all!!! In fact, I tend to open up to the wrong people. That makes me sad. I'm still as naive as I was three years ago if not more. Who am I to kid? I'm absolutely nothing outstanding! Plain is good for me, in fact, I actually like being invisible.

My invisibility is my absoulte shield against the forces of guys' evil. It keeps me off the radar and in a very safe friend zone. I like that!! I mean, I've got goals and if I go under the radar, then I have to pick between my goals or that other 'r' word.

*blegh*relationship*yuck*    *shivers*

I don't want a relationship. I mean I do, just not now. I like the way things are going now. I mean, good things don't happen to me but I take mediocre. Except this time I'm actually having fun! I feel like I'm beginning to live my life. I'm laughing, I'm meeting people, I'm going places, I'm doing things, I'm going above and beyond and I even break the rules!!! I am as happy as I get.

I also don't like to be led on. Which is why I'm glad I have old friends to keep me with my feet on the gound. I can't say I can't wait to be old, but I certainly appreciate wisdom.

The Story by Brandi Carlile

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you

Breaking Newton's Laws

A long long time ago in a land far far away there lived a little girl. That little girl had one dream; to be able to drive anywhere in the kigndom to see all kinds of places and meet all kinds of people. Then one day came the ugly witch and cursed her with a bad sense of direction. Everywhere she went, she got lost. She could never remember which way she came from and many times, she could not make it back home until circling the area for hours. Then one day came the fairy god-mother and told her she could break the curse. So the fary god-mother gave her a talking map of the kingdom and the little girl never got lost again. She met lots of lovely people and traveled to far away places. And she lived happily ever after. The end.

I need a GPS before I keep traveling the city...I'm tired of getting lost going to the same places. If I'm going to widen my friendship circle, I need to be able to go everywhere and know how to get back home. This is a short blog, but only because by the end of the day I don't have a fary god-mother to grant me my wishes.

Prelude of Life Transitions

A few days ago I was suggested by a friend to take a computer class. I considered the advice somewhat biased and dismissed it. My excuse was that I would not need to take it because I have the necessary classes to finish the semester and transfer to my majors university. Oh and it wasn't on my degree plan. Today I was at the U of H open house and turns out I do need a computer proficiency class. I'm like...dude..why can't degree plans be consistent....

I mean college is already complicated as it is. Plus its expensive and the amount of time that it requires us students to invest in it is also a ridiculous amount of time. On top of that you have to deal with counselors that don't really care if they gave you the wrong information and you are too late to withdraw. Oh and let me not even get into the money situation. Who ever had the brilliant idea to make classes so expensive was clearly thinking that some people don't deserve an education. Then came the man that wanted to defy that reasoning and introduced the world to grants, scholarships and loans. Those also require time and effort. In return you either get free money or borrowed money. But hey, I'm part of this whole life transition so I can only learn to cope.

In a few months I will turn twenty. Holy guacamole with chips. Like seriously, it even sounds weird to think about. The feel in my tounge when I say it is so abnormal its not even funny. Yeah, I mean, I've even got to the point of saying that I refuse to turn twenty, that I will NEVER be twenty, maybe twenty one, but not twenty. Well, honestly even I know that that is impossible unless I die and resurrect in literally one year. However, I think the fact that I'm aging is hitting two other people in the gut much harder than its hitting me.

 My parents..

I totally get how they feel. I really do, which is why I'm not pushing for more freedom. I'm just slowly saying, look, I'm taking it because I need it. I really want it but I'm not going to push too much because quite frankly, I'm scared. I never imagined that going into the adult world would be so scary. I mean, I've always been super independent and go-getter but not now. Not when I see the emotional and physical toll. Really what scares me the most is that I'm getting further and further away from my childhood that I so dearly treasure...

You see reader, I've always had these ideals of what my future will look like and so far its not the same picture I had drafted in my head. On top of that, I have a secret. This secret I hold with one more person. Now, I'm about to share it with the world.

One time when I was in like first grade, my mom decided to do a house major clean up. She gave my sister and me this huge plastic bag and told us to put in the bag the toys we didn't really like or played with anymore. Well my sister and I grabbed that bag and put like five toys in there. I mean it took us like a good long while. We went through the toys and said, no not this one because we use it to play indians (or somethig) or we would say no, not this one because I got it from so and so at my so and so birthday and it means so and so to me. So after like forever (because we almost had all the toys in the world...) we  gave the bag to my mom and said, nope, sorry mom but we like all our toys. My mom just walked into the room and took like a gallilion of our toys. I mean, I felt like she was taking our arms and legs and we cried when we realized she was going to give them away to poor kids. Our selfish little selves waved our toys good-bye. We still had a gallilion toys and got new ones later on. Then on the second toy drive, we had a crisis. Of course we already knew we were not willing to give our toys away so my mom grabbed the bag without asking us this time and just dumped whatever she saw suitable. In that bag went a bunny.

That bunny was the most simple gray fluffy bunny ever. It was so simple that Ilse and I never played with it; it just sat on my shelf. When I saw that bunny I felt my heart stop, sink and melt. I cried histerically for that bunny that I had never played with and I still don't know why. My sister even told my mom that she had given away my precious bunny that I liked so much. I told her I would never see the bunny again and that I didn't tell her to give it away. I don't think I've ever been as mad at my mom as I was that day. Luckyly, we got to the bag before it was taken to the poor kids and I got the bunny back. I even named it Jazz Rabbit after a computer game from my computer class. (One day my mom washed Jazz and dried him in the drier for the first time and his fluffly hair turned into burned fur...but I forgave her). Jazz Rabbit was among my sleep toys. I also had Osito, Chinguini, Nanemi, and Bubbles (I can't remember if this dolphin was actually Bubbles or if that was my sister's dolphin's name, but I had a dolphin)

Ok, so these six creatures I slept with until I was 16. I'm not kidding. The only reason why I stopped was because one day some friends needed to sleep at my room and I didn't want them to think I was  a looser so I put them in a closet. They never came down. Oh and later I got a black bear but that one only lasted a few months and then went up on my shelf. Now, I know for a fact EVERYONE has a secret. The stuffed animals are part of the whole story because my sister and I still hold about 80% of our toys (the other 15% got given away and the 5% got lost). All our toys are almost intact, in perfect shape. We took such good care of them and got soooooooooooooo many fun days and memories that we refuse to give them away. We don't care about the poor children, we care to give them money to get their own toys so they can make their own memories. But not with our toys. They are our toys, and no one could play with them without our consent then and not now.

I may almost be 20 and I still don't know what will happen to the boxes and boxes of toys. I guess we all hold on to something to give us that scent of our childhood. I cannot relive anything. Not even if I do it twice the same way. I'm only getting older and the saddest part of it all is not the part that I'm aging, its the part that everyone else that was older than me is also aging. All my aunts and uncles, the people I once thought beautiful and young are now old and married and ugly. I only imagine what it will be like when they start to die. Hopefully thought, we won't get to that point in time.

Thank you Columbus...

On a cold morning like today I stopped to think about a lot of things I've been thinking about. One of them is that I have been dared. Yes ladies and jerks. I, Pink Lady, have been told I cannot lose 15 pounds. Well guess what? Now I'm not doing it for my original purpose (which was to impress my crush); I'm now doing it to prove my friend that I can do it! I have until the last day of December. If I win, he gives me 50 bucks, if I don't win, he gets the lovely joy of knowing he was right. At first I was like, "oh yeah 15 pounds, that's easy!" I even said I'd go running every morning for one hour and not feed my body junk. Well, so far I've been putting it off. I still have time! I have lots and lots of time...

Which brings me to my next point: I have yet to prove to myself that I can actually complete a long-term task.

Deciding that I wanted to be a teacher took me about one day. Yeah, I just woke up and decided that I liked school so much that I would spend the rest of my life in it. Literally. So I followed in the steps of my aunt and as soon as I graduated high school, I went to get an education to become a teacher. For all that time, I only changed my mind once, thinking that maybe I could be a cosmetologist because I like make-up so much. Well I was wrong because I don't like to touch people's heads. And I don't like dandruff either. Or baldness...but I'm over baldness a little because typically men lose all their hair by the time they wrinkle to a raisin. I do hope strongly that I don't have to see my husband wrinkle to a raisin. Or my dad.

So that one was easy. But there are a lot of things that I start and never finish...

Here's a list
1.Writing "Where I really Belong"
2. Reading the Bible
3. Reading a whole theocratic book (actully I did read the whole yearbook for the 2012 year but I always start a new book and never finish. And it does not include the books for the book study)
4. Never finished a pillow that was supposed to be for my cousin
5. Didn't move to the French when I turned 18
6. Didn't move out of my house when I turned 18
7. Didn't finish community college in a year
8. I was pulled out of ballet class and now I obsess with ballet without being able to learn to dance it
9. I have unfinished blogs
10. Being a vegetarian didn't work. Only lasted two months...

But that's just some of my big failures in life. I know I can accomplish them, I just can't ever get my head around how to actually get these things done. So I am constantly frustrated with myself. I mean, my room is a mess! But amazingly at work, I have to have everything in place! At school, everything is in perfect order. Everything in my life runs by minutes, seconds. So in my room I just let go. Even then I still have crisis where I just NEED to yell at someone. My bucketlist is on a permanent hold. So how can I have time for people?

Apparently I'm very mean and don't have friends. That may be true but only because I don't intend to be nice to people that don't care about me. That sounds mean already. Well I don't have the energy to trust someone with my kindness...sad face.

I went through my contact list and gave the following labels to make myself feel better
a= acquaintance
f= friend
F= adult friend
bf= best friend
-=pending relationship (only one person has this)
ld= long-distance friend

Maybe what my life needs is a dude...