The Irony of Circumstances

Day 512

It’s funny how things just happen. Take for instance my job. The dilemma of quitting came to a resolution after I was scheduled to work on Sunday. That was the end for my H-E-B career. Funny thing is that I didn’t want to quit because I like my job but my Mat 5:3 was screaming inside that if working on Sunday was a must then I had to leave because that was the right thing to do. Soon I’ll be broke, I’ll miss my job and I’ll want to go back.

Time goes by fast. That was discussed three days ago with Hunt.

Thinking about the age I’m in…

She recalled how one of the teacher’s daughters got married this past weekend and she happened to be 26. Well, 10 years ago, that girl walked into Hunt’s class to learn history. Then she mentioned how the first graduating class of out school was in its junior year in college.

So then I got into my silly thinking about life.

What was I doing ten years ago? Ten years ago I was starting first grade. I literally remember my first day of elementary so clearly… as if it ware yesterday.
What about ten years form now? Where could I be? I could be married. I could have kids. I could be living in some distant corner of the universe. Who knows…?

And then there are the misfortunate events that happen out of nowhere. Like everyone is living their own life doing something different until you bump into them. Then it’s like you join lives or more like you join paths. Lives joined where at some points you wish you would have missed a bus or turned the other way or stayed where you were at or not turned your head or not looked up or missed that phone call. But your life stopped and started and you can’t regret it because you love it.

I think that’s part of growing up; realizing who was worth meeting and keeping and who needs to be let go of. People that you don’t want to let go are the most painful ones to go through and if you endure the wait, you don’t let go. We keep them even if it means to wait.

It’s like when we are babies and our moms put us in a corral. I remember my corral. I liked it a lot too. It was blue and simple and yet it made me happy because I had fun in that little secluded area. So then my mom would leave Ilse and me in there to play while she went about to do her thing but we knew she was there and that she
would come back.

Well at 16 I’m stuck being the mom in a symbolic way. When I come back to get what I left in the corral I will get it for sure. It’s not a matter of question; it’s a matter of fact because 10 years from now, it’s going to be my way.

Fotografia

SEE...THIS HAPPENED ON SUNDAY!!!

Today I decided that I wasn't sit around while my parents rested. Today was my day off and I wanted to do something but it just seems like Sundays are the kind of days where everyone either has plans or is in a couch potato mood. That is a huge problem about living in the suburbs in a city that sounds amazing on TV and the magazines but in reality, we are the kind of city that Hollywood won't even think about thinking for a next big sucky movie.

Well it just so happens that my mom made it her job to make some things unreachable but my mind works where in those situations, I want to have the unreachable.

Our pictures are in that kind of setting...
They happen to be in a box in a closet with a bunch of crap on top...!!!
Then I regretted going through all that trouble to get my hands on those albums...
There is absolutely no stage of my life, no person or place that I don't remember.

The funny thing is to believe that that girl was me at some point...Like, "OMG, I looked like that!" or "I remember that" and even "Oh yeah, that's her, I know him!"

And I don't believe it...

The worse part was when I bumped into pictures of people who are physically and emotionally absent in my life.

At that split second, when the moment was captured, everyone in that picture was physically there. At that moment, the situation was real. I was there and I remember every detail but it just doesn't feel real. NONE OF IT!!! I feel as if the present me is the only kind of me that ever existed.

I was there...




I WAS THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




I lived that, I felt that, I said that, I did that, and I know it for a fact, I really do!

Everything is that captured moment is real and the people and the things and the place. EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!

Then I realized how limited my mind is to present reality.

Topping it off with the fact that I've gone through some major changes physically and emotionally...

Reason why I'm writing this...

Even the songs of the past carry these thoughts that set me down at my childhood. They are part of my past reality.

That is a picture, a past reality that becomes unreal because no matter how hard you try to relive that moment...the longer you stare, the more unreal it will become.



A fake memory that is reality...

Relief

I'm kinda mad at this machine because it keeps acting up... I think it needs a major checkup...

Well today was a good day at service and well just like always it could have been easier but I won't complain.

I think that the best part of today was that I was with a very dear sister and her daughters. I really like them a lot, and just like everyone they all have their slight flaws and whatever but that is not the real reason why I am so happy.

I mean like everyday you find out so many bad things due to our imperfections but in the end it was her words that really made me see things a little bit different. I had already talked to my parents about a recent situation that was making me very unhappy, and even though I can be hard to convince I found a peaceful state of mind in which I could simply just ignore the facts and keep going without wasting my breath.

She just simply made things better.

And she is very right. No matter what everyone says its them killing themselves, not me. So like she said, "Que se maten a pedos". Tough words and nasty too but its the truth.

My life just couldn't get better!

Its a hard time to love
reaching fear
where i dream freadom
i must be silent once more
my words are missing
where everyone speaks
i may be young
yet im not just half
of a plain feeling
im not echo but sound
just a period in the way
what you were once

see me, feel me
i am a reality
not a reflection
and wat i feel is not bad
im just a matter of time
see me, feel me
i am not a dream
im not a mirror
hear me, i am my own extension
im just a matter of time
its a hard time to love
if you make me, i’ll lie
i dont want to hurt you
i must be silent once more
just toughts
because its not time to speak
i may be young
yet im not just half
of a plain feeling
im not echo but sound
just a period in the way
what you were once
feel me, see me
i am a reality
not a reflection

...and wat i feel is not bad...

To the World

This has been the best week of my life!!!!!!!!!!

Its like one day the thought that my fears could change came true and now I live in my head fully inside out waiting.

That is all that is left to do...

Wait.

It is such a simple word but I am not alone in this one. No sir, I am not alone! The voice inside my head is speaking and its telling me not to let go because the smallest mistake can lead me to the one choice that I don't want to make.

And the best part was that I'm not so sure how it happened but it did...and I would like to know how because its driving me crazy trying to figure out how in the world it happened...

Like I said, it just sorta happened without notice.

I wish I could just scream it to the world but I can't...

This is all I have left, my writing and the voice in my head...

Sigh.......................

I'll never leave...and that is a promise to you!

NIneteen Minutes

I just finished reading Nineteen Minutes...

Let me tell you about it!

Nineteen Minutes is a story by Jodi Picoult and takes place in the year 2007. There, you know the important stuff.

Now the real deal...the effect

When I started reading this book I knew it was about a crime and it didn't make any sense whatsoever. I thought it was just going to be one of those loooong books that never end and have a happy ending. I was so wrong.

Now I can't go to school without thinking that I might get shot by a student that get bullied all the time since kindergarten.

I want to know what I would have done in the shoes of the main characters...

And in the end...

The guy who committed the crime also commits suicide. And all because this stupid girl chose to want to be popular!

I love this book and I totally recommend it!