The Birds and the Bees

This topic...

Well my loyal readers, you see, there is a time when the birds and the bees in the tittle above, when they go on about their business. You see, there are the little birds and they do their bird thing and then there are the bees and they do their bee thing. Then they all collaborate and boom! There is more little flying creatures!

And then there's me.

I'm neither a bee or a bird, but you see, there comes a time in a woman's life when our bodies demand a change. Well, this change is very hard to accept and accommodate to. It cannot be done upon our single effort. I cannot say that I am happy or unhappy but at least I can say that I am moderately satisfied. Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted so badly to do this. I've dreamt so much about this phase in my life; how to plan it, how to live it, how to train it, how to be good at it. It takes practice I guess, although we were not necessarily programmed to live this way.

This past week has been a little hard to accept and a little hard to live by. I'm not really sure how to go about and tell people about it. The few I've told seem to be shocked and one even called it "lame". Some people are happy though, because really its a good thing. My health seems to be fine, up to now I guess. I'm not really sure how its going to change but hopefully I won't feel the difference too much, although its going to be absolutely impossible to hide it.

I'm glad my mom seems to be supportive about it. She asks me a lot of questions though and then gives me her opinion a lot. My dad though...he wasn't happy. Well, he's not mad but I get the feeling he looks down upon it a little... My sister though, she doesn't seem to mind, well technically its my life right? Overall, I'm glad I don't have to go through this alone, its a brand new me, the two parts of me.

I even got me a book last week so I knew exactly what I was doing. Its expensive as I had thought. One of my number one reasons why I didn't want this to happen. Its also a lifetime effort, I can't just give it up because I might get tired of it. When I decided it was time to do this, I gave thought to it. A lot of thought. I came up with reasons trying to convince myself why I should not do it ( I seem very calm don't I?) I couldn't come up with enough reasons why I shoud stop myself; it was love you know? It happens I guess, well to me it did. At first, I couldn't belive it that I was able to carry on the first time. Then the second, then the third. And finally, BOOM! Excatly what I did not plan to happen, happened.

I think as time goes by, people will learn to accept it without giving me weird looks. I know I used to be the one giving all the bad looks. Now the tables have switched and here I am. I don't really think I care what people think, but I guess I assumed they would be more understanding, these things HAPPEN!  In our day, anyone can do this job alone and be good at it. So why can't I be a vegetarian? I think I can :)

Success!

This has got to be one of the best days in my life! 1000(+) views of my blog. Thank you readers!
You have made me the person I am today and I shall continue to live writing :')

Love,

Lady in Pink <3

Lost and Found?

I think I started to write this a while ago but never finished it, in fact, the grammar is wrong...but it can't just sit here as a draft. Kudos to the author :)

oh, on the nights i think of you

in the midst of the sweet scented breeze

i can feel soothing tenderness pass through me

it hurst because i know painfully well

that it will be sad when the conversationn ends

now i've detached myself from the freedom called loneliness

ah, on the nights i think of you

in the midst of the sweet scented breeze

i can feel soothing tenderness pass through me

Gaia

The above term means earth. I think its a very pretty word and therefore I am going to use it to give this blog a tittle.

I've been skipping class a lot lately because I cannot keep my focus. I am easily distracted by my million gazillion concerns and troubles in life. First of all I've got 3 friends with issues. I wish so badly with all  my heart that I could just not care. That I could step aside and let them figure it out without me feeling completely guilty. I also wished I could stop trying to find excuses to blame myself for every one else's misfortune. (Heck, I even think world hunger is my fault!) Then I have another friend who is uninformed about a certain situation and when they do find out, all bloody hell is going to break lose, and yet again, I am going to feel responsible. Then there is also the issue that I am about to go out of a job. Like soon. Like in a month. That doesn't scare me because I don't mind resting all summer and hanging out. Only too bad I actually signed up to take three classes over the summer and now I HAVE to get a job and pay for them. I haven't had many complications at work actually, except for the fact that I have run out of movies to show the kids and my coworker ends up allowing not-so-appropriate movies and already one parent has complained... I'm freaking out becase I did want to have a nice little encuraging chat with my elders just for the plain heck of literally, encouragement, but now I don't know what I'm going to tell them. In fact, I haven't decided if I actually sitll want to talk to them. Oh and an investigator called us recently, making me feel like my life is in some prominent danger. Other than that, I think everything is going just well.

I mean, I am healthy right? Sort of??? My allergies haven't bothered me...sort of??? I don't have to worry about a stupid boyfriend!!! That's really good right??? I'm almost done with this semester too, and if everything goes well, I'm going to pass all my classes. I also have my family, oh and my sister is graduating from High School. Yay sister! Oh and today is one of my bffs' last day of beauty school (congrats my love!!) so now we can hang out more. I've also got my house, my baby (aka car), my clothes, my current job that I really like, my relationship with my dearest creator, I've got close friends that I love and would give my life for, I've got my lapi-top (with my currently most favorite wallpaper), I'm going to see Coldplay (AAAAAAAAHHH), my parents have their jobs, oh yeah and I'm alive.

Speaking of summer, I would like to do some things so hence the Summer list:

1. Finish reading at least 5 theocratic books (I always start and never finish)
2. Go out on early service every saturday (I quit during winter...)
3. Find a summer job (I want to keep working with kids)
4. Read one or two pleasure books (no problem with that one)
5. Pass all my classes (Two math...eek!)
6. Go on a vacation (New Orleans and New York are on my US bucketlist)
7. Save money for next semester (because I've been stubborn enough to not get FAFSA)
8. Join a gym and loose 20 lbs (I've almost joined two in the last two months but I always back out)
9. Rearrange my room ( and decorate it!)
10. Throw a party (small, nothing too big...maybe)
11. Get a new phone/company (I'm very please with t-mobile, but my family complains a lot)
12. Make a summer album (not a scrapbook)
15. Make two mock videos (I already chose the songs and actors)
16. Plan my trip to France (that's a future blog)
17. Have a garage sale (so I can buy me clothes!)
18. Make a new friend ( I always do this over each summer)
19. Work on "Where I Really Belong" (long-term unfinished proyect)
20. Have lots of fun drama-free (please?)

Gaia is a word that reminds me that this whole place we live in is very big, and there is always someone who is in a worse situation than me. I'm going to focus, or at least try. I'm going to flush my mind of all these worries and just let go of my pain. Its a lovely life when we really stop to think about it.

Finding Time

My skin hurts. It hurts all over. I feel like I am burning and everything that rubs my skin in the lightest ways makes my skin crawl. All over I feel goosebumps and inside I feel like my insides are melting. Pain is relative, a weakness of the mind, and yet, I have given in to it.

I want to cry to let out everything that I feel, I want to talk to someone who will listen and not pretend just to care. But who am I to kid? Almost two months of silence went by because I have been biting my toungue. At this point, I can't even swallow. Every word that I mutter tastes bitter and cold, as if I were a very mean person.

False modesty is a way of lying, but lately I have found that secrets can turn into lies and lies can take the form of many other things. Like saying you are friends when you don't really mean it. Like saying you will care for your children and then letting them go the wrong way. What am I to do or say? I've said it before but I can say it again, I am not the person to sit and watch a disaster happen if I can avoid it.

I think that is my problem. I believe I have the power to fix things, or at least I like to pretend like I do. Possessing knwoledge is a gift, its what we do with it that makes a difference. Being ignorant is something that I look down upon, and yet here I am wishing that I couldn't tell wrong from right.

Everyone is guilty of something. Everyone.

For me, its a guilt that I cannot tolerate at this time because I have to do it alone. Its a heavy burden that I wish I could let go of, but I can't. Sometimes, we loose the people we love the most, maybe for the better. Breathing is a matter of uncounsiousness, thinking is also innate. I want to stop. I wish the world would stop for just a second and realize that with every selfish decision, we are hurting the people we love the most. I mean, who cares right? As long as we please ourselves and we can YOLO.

Let me say something about YOLO: it is the most mundane thinking there is. It is the most selfish style of living there is. We are in this world temporarily awaiting our reward. We cannot live for ourselves if we want that reward. We don't live once, we are meant to live forever. I don't think people realize how little time we have left, they just keep living like they don't have a clue that our reward is almost here.

I don't write to depress people or to criticize or make them angry or to try to change the world. I write because it is the most selfish thing I do; I need an outlet for my feelings.

Earlier this evening I was watching TV with my dear sister and one of the characters told another parent concerning parenting and children: "You found time to have them, now find time to be with them." Parenting is something I shouldn't talk about, but since I know exactly what this quote means, I'm going to take the bother to do so even though I don't have or plan to have kids.

Lately I've learned that parenting is a job no one is ready for and its a job that takes a lifetime. Jodi Picoult said, "you sign no contact to become a parent, but the responsibilities were written in invisible ink. There was a point when you had to support your child; even if no one else would. It was your job to rebuild the bridge even if your child was then one who had burned it in the first place." My dear reader, parenting is not something that can be taken for granted. The love of a mother surpasses any love in the world. When parents get lazy and comfortable, when they think they can trust their kids to make wise choices, when they stop caring who they are interacting with, when they refuse to see the warning signs, when they are too blind to see their children's feelings, when they leave them to in the care of a stranger's hand, when they allow them to do and get away with anything, when they don't take action in time to pull their kids back in line, when they are too uncomfortable talking to them, when their own kid becomes a stranger living in their house, that is when a parent has failed. Kids have to be let go of at one point, and we will never be ready enough to face the world out there. However, a parent will move heaven and hell to have their kids next to them their entire life. When, however, do they stop caring? When its too late? When the damage is too great? Whe the hope is gone? No. A parent will never give up. A child though will not care and leave. Parenting is a job that takes time and EFFORT. If you can't afford them, if you can't find the time to be with them, to get to know them, then you should not be a parent. You will ruin their lives and your own as a parent.  At 18, we do not become owners of our lives, we do not become responsible adults, we do not reach full maturity. 18 is a number designated by the government to give themselves permission to tax you and to draft you and to try us as adults and stick us in jail. 18 is just a number that gives us no right.

Sometimes, I wish I had a friend that would not leave. A friend that would know when I feel out of place without me saying it. I wish I had a friend that would not lie and that would do anything that would keep me in line. That one friend that can take care of me in times of sickness. This is not a pity party; it is simply a manifest of my sick mind. I told myself I would not cry, but I made no lousy promise to myself. One day I'm going to leave. I'm going to go so far away and so fast, it will make my head spin. I will leave and the only one that will care is my creator. I'm not angry or sad. I'm simply tired of people being selfish.

Almost There

Currently my Facebook status reads the following:
"I'm hungry! I brought the wrong book to class! My fingers are cold! This hcc wifi is not responding! I hate rain in the day >:( "
So indeed, it is raining outside, or at least its raining and stops. The weather channel says that its supposed to rain over the zip code where I work. What that means is that I cannot take my 19 kids outside to play. They are in school for 8 hours and get a 15minute recess. 15 scrawny minutes to play. Then, after 8 hours, they are handed to me for another 3 hours of classroom lockdown. My kids cannot make it three hours in there without driving me a little crazy. Once they are done with their homework (which usually takes about 15 minutes for K and 1st grade and about 1 hour for 2nd grade), I have to entretain them. Its not like a regular classroom where I sit there and teach, or they do independent work or even group work. Its not like its nap time either! So again, I have to entretain them for at least half an hour more until its time to go outside. Unlike those 15 scrawny minutes, we go outside for an hour, an hour that involves kids pushing, hitting, and pulling on each other. An hour that stresses me out because little boy over there is hanging upside down, or because someone is bleeding, or someone fell or or or...

Thus the fact that I do not want to teach elementary kids.

I like my job a lot, don't get me wrong. I just hate it so much when it rains. I'd rather have someone trip outside than to have to yell at them to keep them in order. My kids like me, not like iI'm trying to brag or anything, I just know because they tell me. When I ask them if they like the other teacher, everyone says no, and I would too. That woman inspires too much fear and hate in those kids. Even though she's kidding half of the time, the kids can't tell and they are just scared of her. There are good days, most of them are good acuatlly. I look forward to being at work, just not when it rains...

So I've been thinking a lot about last weekend because I decided who I'm going to marry. Now, I just have to convice the other party. Juuuuuust Kidding :) Last weekend was not really good. I took a self-esteem test on Monday and scored 77/100 which is really healthy self-esteem, but this weekend I felt like a 2. SO I sast in my room and cried and cried and cried and then I got over it and got angry then sad and here comes my mother to the rescue. She lives with me of course becuase she is my mother and I'm still 18 (in 18 days I turn 19! EEK!). Anyways, when she's feeling all motherly, she can make me feel really good, but that's a motherly thing. However, like I said, during the weekend I got put down really bad, so obviously by Sunday I was still not feeling my pinkest. We went out to eat but we were a little late to the restaurant. That meant I had to sit by people I din't like...But alas, I ploppled myself on the chair and munched on some chips (btw, chips and salsa are NOT a mexican thing). So there I am minding my own business eating my chips and then someone says "Blah Blah is comming, do we need more seats?" and I jump up and say "here's one!!"...but to everyone else it sounded like OMG THERE'S A SEAT RIGHT NEXT TO ME! HE CAN SIT HERE! IN FACT, I'M DYING FOR HIM TO GET HERE!!!" Now remember, I'm minding my own business eating chips so I wasn't aware of my reaction.

Whatever.

So eventually my dad moves and unwillingly sits next to me and Blah Blah got there and sat at the edge. I'm still muching on chips almost holding my breath because I felt like with the single brush of a petal, I would explode in tears, and then he says "Valeria what's wrong? You're upset" Upset? Upset? I was beyond myself upset but how in the bloody hell did he know that!? I don't talk to him, we don't hang out constantly, I've never confided in him! Why did he have to notice me...I'm such a bad liar...

My parents are convinced someone is going to make a move in either me or Ilse, which is why I've decided who I'm going to marry. Just in case its me, I can clearly and honestly say "I'm sorry but I have higher expectations" or something like that. I don't like to be noticed without me knowing about it. I like my invisibility very much, so of course I did everything I could to remain undercover.

(It made me feel like Sunako in The Wallflower. She used to get nosebleeds when someone that was beautiful got close to her. )

Eventually I got my way and told him nothing, I mean how coul I? My dad was next to me, my mom in front of me and all around us was everyone else. I'm more or less ok now, except for the fact that this internet is being extremely slow and it doesn't have spell check. My update is this: I changed majors and all my classes were useful so I don't have to start over. Maybe I took an extra class but it will help me in the long run since its child growth and development. If and only if I pass all my classes, then I will graduate from HCC during the summer and then continue with my last two years (or one and a half or however many it takes) and then finally I wll have become and official adult. I will have my adult job and my adult clothes and my adult car and then, I will decide on the rest of my life. The end.

Middle School Aspirations

Last night I realized how much I like old-school Disney. I grew up with it, I know the songs and the characters and the dialog and I love the healthyness of back in the day. None of this twilight crap. Well it made me realize how I don't know the songs or dialog in English because I was living in my little Mexico and to be honest, I still have all my VHS in Spanish and a VHS player. I know, one day that machine will stop working and I won't be able to watch the Jungle Book or Dumbo etc etc. I will one day buy the DVD/Blueray but they have to come with Spanish audio. I have to watch Disney in Spanish.

There's a difference in having a high self esteem and being confident. I learned that this week in my public speaking class. I can tell you that in my case, I have high self esteem and moderate to low confidence. The main reason is because when one is not comfortable in their own skin, people notice it. I am not comfortable in my skin, therefore, I have mederate to low confidence. Doesn't mean I can't be bold, because I most certainly can. For example, I was with a friend some time ago and this dude that she knew but hates came up to us and started asking her stuff that was non of his business so I got mad because he would not go away and the questions kept growing intimate so I about had it and told him off. Poor dude didn't know what to say. It may have not been my business either but my friend couldn't brush him off and I wasn't about to sit there and just stare, that's called bad friending. Friends stand up for each other. Oh and about that too, injustices, bad parenting, irresponsible parenting and feeling unappreciated are amongst my latest soap boxes.

Here's why I have a high self esteem but moderate low confidence. When I was in junior high, I got bullied. Yes I said it, bullied. I don't talk about it much becuase its kind of embarrassing to say that I got bullied at some time in my life and the only reason I'm writing about it is becuase I know for a fact that I can count with one hand the number of readers I get. Which by the way, I don't mind. Anyways! So I was in sixth grade when the bullies got me, in gym class to be clear. Another was in my advisory (study hall) and he was probably the worst. He was this guy that later I ended up getting along with...sorta... Well, I was friends with this one girl in my language arts class and she was friends with this other girl that did not like me all the time. So then in our advisory period, she would sit at my table and catch me staring at this guy. But I was thinking oh my gosh just shut up! I was also thinking what a jerk, and, leave that poor boy alone, and, what a nasty flirt. So yeah. Well I've been told that when I stare at people unconsciously, I have an I'm-gonna-kill-you-stare. I'm not really sure, but maybe back in sixth grade I stared in the same way and the girl assumend I liked the guy. So she went and told him! And oh my gosh...just to get him away from me was absolute torture... There may be more to that but I won't say the rest. Well this guy lives down my street so for the longest time I was afraid he would come to my house and do something stupid.

Then there was Liana. I have never in a blog said a name and if I get sued its ok (not really...) Liana. I love that name. Liana. Sounds like lioness and that was exactly what she was, a lioness. If I could have been her just for a day, I could have said my life was complete. In sixth grade however, we were in P.E. class together. She would always mind her own business and she really didn't talk to anyone. I noticed her because she walked with such confidence it was almost like she wore a royal robe of arrogance. But that was just her, she was just walking. She also dyed her hair a lot, and had it really short at one point. And yet, one day she pantsed me. During a free play period. And she pantsed other girls. Her and some other girl. They didn't get in trouble. I wanted to cry. So I did when I got home and I told my parents and they went to talk to the principal and made a big fuss and what not and the the coach yelled at them then the girls were all mad and drama and and and...oh the traumas of my childhood...

In seventh grade, I had this huge fight with the girl I was besties with. We had become major theater geeks and as so, we got in this argument over a lip sync. One day I'm going to write a book about my junior high experience beause it was a bloody experience. Haha bloody...Liana was British and she was sooooo pretty. Up to these days, I still think she was one of the most gorgeous girls I have delt with. Well Liana and I ended up in the same advanced theater class. I was always afraid of her until one day we just had to work together and she was completely different. In eighth grade she became the person I wish I were and then stuff happened and that was the last person I wanted to be. I liked being me. Oh gwad...eighth grade. We all stopped seeing Liana when we went to high school and she moved. I do wonder what it would have been like if she hadn't moved...

Back to the point. I have all this self esteem because I know my limitations and I have passions and aspirations. I have moderate to low confidence because I'm not comfortable in my own skin. So why did I switch majors to creative writing? Well for one becuase I don't want to teach anything else but high school and two, becuase I want to write a book. One day. I don't care if its a children's book or what, I want to write! I love writing even if I'm not the best. Even if some people don't believe I can, I will say oh yes I can and yes I will. I started a story in eighth grade and I need to finish it. I could never figure out the ending becuase I had so many people read it and give me different opinions on how it should end. Its a great story, long, and based on real people in my life. In order for me to finish, I have to boost my confidence and as of right now, I have no idea how I'm going to do that, maybe I won't, and I'll just put it off another four years, but when I do finish and amaze myself, when I am proud to have written something beautiful of what I wish my Utopia would be like, of what it really is in my head, then I will finally sleep happily ever after.