Don't poop in your underwear

Three things are on my mind right now:

1. My sinus allergies are not getting better and its really hard to breathe
2. My wisdom teeth are taking over my mouth and I feel painful pressure on my top and bottom teeth and my mouth is tired of being 'open' so my teeth don't touch. It also made me super hungry...
3. April hasn't had a haircut since we got her and she is full of knots. She's fluffy and the fluffy look fits her, but with her skin rash, she is covered in knots.

SO...

I was just thinking the other day when was the first time that I decided I didn't want to have kids. I was going to be a senior in high school actually. Before that, I had my marriage life planned out with two or three kids, I even picked names and ways to raise them and discipline them and parenting methods. I was so in love with the idea of keeping everything so I could tell my kids and grandkids, "when I was your age, this was my first blah blah." I even played mother role at times with kids that are not mine. More than once did I get complimented on how good I was with kids ( I still am). I was told I would be a great mother. I agreed.

And then there were goldfish...

See, that Summer of 2010 my family sat with another family we are really good friends with. They have a son that is the apple of my eye. I was left in charge of baby sitting him during the last part of the morning program and intermission so that my mom, my sister, his mom and his dad worked in the baptizm departmen. My dad was in accounting. So it was just me and that lovely child. Well everything was going well except when lunch started. I had to actually dig through his family's stuff to find the kid's lunch and then feed him. No biggie. But! Things did go wrong. I started to get all panicky because I couldn't find his lunch and the kid was hungry. I finally found it, fixed his lunch and then handed him his sandwich. I even prayed with him. Then out of no where I found this bag of goldfish and it just so happened to occur to me to offer him some. He said yes. So I handed him the whole bag. Then I turned around to find my sandwich.

dkjofekdfoenajsdfkjsmashshshshsss

What was I thinking handing him the whole one gallon ziploc bag of goldfish to serve himself??? I clearly had a moment of stupidity. Yeah I wanted to hit myself because I had to clean it up because it was my fault, not the kid's. Thank goodness for who arrived to be my leverage because he took the kid so I could get my head back in place and clean up. I also ate my sandwich and when he came back we both had the kid and we looked like a family. Well, I didn't like the picture.

After serious thinking, I came up with a list of 50 reasons not to have kids. I couldn't think of any good reasons to actually have kids. In fact, when people tell me that I'm the one that is going to end up with kids first I explain to them how selfish it is to bring kids into this corrupt and ending world. Why would anyone want to put a human being through the horrid path of imperfect life with all the suffereing that comes with it? Just so you can fulfill parental happiness? Why can't they wait until they can give birth to perfect kids in a perfect world and be perfect parents?

So no, I will not have kids in this world. I refuse. I have looked at every birth control method and if I have to do them ALL at the same time then by all means, I will do them all. I will not get pregnant and go through that extra hormonal imbalance, I will not raise a child in this world and I will not stit there and see my child suffer in this world. No no no, and no!

When I hear people say, "oh I want to have kids," I respect that decision. Just like they should respect mine for not wanting any. Of course, you never hear them say " oh I want a toddler," or "a teenager" or "a young adult." You also don't hear people say "I want a kid with Autism." We already-existing-beings have no choice or control in the suffering we have in life, its not like we chose to be diabetic in our old age. But why can't people think that in this system, kids will have that lifestyle. Plus they are expensive.

There are always firsts in life. First cavity, first Barbie, first Hot-Wheels, first teacher, first backstab, first kiss, first change of heart. To me, deciding to not have kids was a major life change, but it won't be the first time I change my mind about something of such great impact. Then again, I still love kids.

On another note, I messed up BIG time at work by undercharging tuition to some parents, but the good thing is that I have a good boss. I can't wait until school starts to get another year of kids. Kids make up my life, that is why I like my job and that I why I am good with them. So long as they are not mine.

Salad for Dessert

Let's pretend you like grilled chicken. I mean, who doesn't like grilled chicken? Unless you are a vegetarian, everyone loves grilled chicken. But for the purpose of this blog, we are going to pretend that no matter what, you love grilled chicken. The juicyness and the tenderness of the chicken combined with that smoky grilled flavor. The seasoning just perfect so it does not interfere with the chicken flavor. Oh that grilled chicken you have for lunch every day. You love it so much that every time you eat it, its like you are trying it for the first time. You cannot ever wait to eat your grilled chicken because of how perfect it is and no matter what, you will never be saitisfied of your lovely grilled chicken. I mean, you can eat it with a salad, or on a sandwich or over pilaf, you name it, it goes perfectly with your grilled chicken. Plus the calorie intake is not too guilty. Who does not love grilled chicken. It makes lunch so predictable and easy. You know what you are going to have because you love it so much.

One day, you run out of grilled chicken and all you have is steak. Your lunch just got a makeover.

That's what I think right now of my friendships. You see reader, I love all my friends. I have my friends, then my good friends, my close friends and my "best" friends. They each have a purpose and a place in my life. All of them know enough about me but nothing at the same time. It balances out so that no one has any good backup for backstabbing. All my friends are fun to be with and they all make me feel different. I can be 100% me or 75% me. Its all perfect friend-wise in my existance right now. I would hope that if I died one day, they would know what to make of me.

Let's just reminess a little on the past Sunday. Not only was it amazing, it was super fullfilling. This is how it pretty much went: After waking up super early to study, I took a nice steamy shower and got ready to go on service. Only too bad for me because I didn't know that service on Sundays is no longer at 9:45 so I ended up going to give a study with my mom. When we got back, my friend was at my house waiting. Now, this was too bad for the both of us because I ran out of product for my hair so no matter what, it HAD to be straightened. My hair looks amazing straight, so I went through the painful process of putting excessive heat on my hair to make it amazing, plus I had no product. So after a painful one hour of hair and wardrobe, we set off to the last English convention to watch the drama in English. Did I mention that I looked amazing? The next painful thing was finding seats because we got there as soon as the intermission started and every seat was taken apparently...I mean we ate like horses. I used to think that there are creeps all over but now I actually believe it. One of the girls I was with litterally got major creeped on. So embarrassing but I guess that's what happens when you have beautiful hott friends... Once the program started we sang standing up in the hallway waiting to be seated which happened like ten minutes after the drama started. The drama was so realistic in English; it was a little too real actually. Then we had super-amazing-loud-fun at the restaurant.

Let's break it up. We had super fun. Super fun means we made the hang out happen which is not always possible since we all have different lives. Amazing fun means it was different from everything else we do in the sense that we all made it different by being different. Yeah, we were in a big party but everyone was doing the eat-talk thing while we were doing amazing fun. Loud fun litereally means we were the loudest to talk, the loudest to laugh and the loudest to leave. But what made Sunday happen the way it did is that we did not let anything bother us. We had very healthy conversation and bonding. We made plans for Tuesday and we stuck to it. We took very cute pictures and instagramed them. Yes, Sunday was the kind of day that I wish it were every day. Like having grilled chicken everyday until you run out and you have to eat steak.

At that point we went from the restaurant to a hang out. How did we go from a convention to a make-believe party? I don't know. I didn't even realize when we got too crazy, I just sat there and watched the boys dance like idiots. But who cares? We had fun!!!

Friends are like that, you have your friends and they are the best people in your life. They make simple moments the epic highlight of your existance. Sometimes you realize you need something better, and since my life has been no surprise, I think that my friends are what make it worth it. Maybe I need a friend make-over, like hanging out with people MY age. But I won't rush it because I'm having fun trying to find some steak.

Achille's Tendon

"The name Achilles' heel comes from Greek mythology. Achilles' mother, the goddess Thetis, received a prophecy of her son's death. Hearing this, she dipped him into the River Styx to protect his body from harm. However, she kept hold of his heel, meaning that the water did not touch this part of his body and it was therefore vulnerable. During the Trojan War, Achilles was struck on his unprotected heel by a poisoned arrow shot by Paris, which killed him. In the same war, Achilles is also said to have cut behind Hector's Achilles tendons, having killed him, and threaded leather thongs through the incisions in order to drag him behind a chariot." -Wikepedia

1. Be nice
2. Don't be a duchebag
3. If you want to say something, put it in the Blog.

For the past four days I've been thinking about what I want to say and how I am going to say it. Well, for one, I belive the three points mentions above are possibly the best advice I've been given in a long time. The only reason being is because the person that gave them to me is dear and near in my heart.

Why...

Here's why: In my past blog I mentioned that I have difficulty making friends and sometimes even talking to people. Regular conversation is ok, I can do that. The kind of conversation that is deep I can only have with this ONE person. No it is not my mother, although she is very close. This person is the only friend that has been with me in the absolute worst and the absolute best. No matter what the situation is. And I miss this friend.

A lot of people think I'm strong, probably too strong. Well guess what? They are W-R-O-N-G!!!
What I consider to be strong is very different than actually being strong. This is what I have always told all my friends: It's your choice. Everyone has the choice to be strong in the most difficult cases. Death included. Everything is in the head of the affected person. In your head is also the will power to be strong and say 'I can do it.' Disney wasn't wrong when he said "If you believe, its possible." Well, I grew up with Disney and I do believe that if a person truly believes its possible, then it is. Think of the Wright brothers; they belived they could invent a flying machine and they did. Its in our own will to be able to do something or not do it.

*Want an A? Believe!
*Want to write a novel? Believe!
*Want to own a coorporation? Believe!
*Want to forget someone who hurt you? Believe!
*Want to be a millionaire? Believe!
*Want to invent something? Believe!
*Want to loose weight? Believe!
*Want to be beautiful? Believe!
*Want to get married? Believe!
*Want to be happy? Believe!

I'm a realist, and I know better than anyone that not everything in life is absolutely possible, but I believe we can get as close as we want to. It takes effort, determination and courage to acually believe that something can be done. I promise you, my dear reader, that it is very, very possible.

What about the Tendon? Everyone has weaknesses, right? Yes. Weaknesses are what make us loose faith and not believe that it can be done. My weakeness comes from forgetting what I am really worth. I'm not always strong, I just don't like to show it. I like to think that if I really want something, I'm not going to sit there and sulk. I'm not going to think of ten thousand reasons why it can't be done. I'm not going to look for pity parties. I'm not going to sit there and look at the past and just be depressed for ever. That is what makes us weak. Negativiy. Sitting in a room thinking of all the things that could have happened won't change anything. The past is unchangeable. The present is alone the only thing that will impact the future.

No, I am not always strong. Sometimes negativity invades all my thoughts and I start to hate myself and at that poitn I want to go to my comfort spot. Away form everyone. Doing that is very easy and it takes no effort at all. All it takes is me looking at the past and there I go, down a hole. Coming out of the hole takes A LOT of effort and I don't always have the energy. Instead, I try very hard to not look back. I stay focused on my life ahead. I have a lot of life left (maybe not in this system, which is lot better to think of), and in my future life I have a lot of plans. I have goals that I want to reach. I can't get there if I sit in my room all the time. I have to go out there and get it!

Will power is inside of everyone, you just have to believe.

My Sister Calls it Awk...

Awk...
What is that word? More like, what is half of that word?

A long time ago, like four, five, years ago, I used to be this very nice person. I was the kind of person that always looked at the bright side of things and said very nice things and wanted to be friends with everybody. I was so full of confidence a long time ago. Of course, it was so long ago that I had no experience with people and of course I had not been hurt. So eventually I changed. Not just because of one person, but because a lot of people and bitter experiences.

We all have a right to protect our hearts in what ever way we want to. No one can judge us because the pain we feel once we experienced something awful is a pain that stays inside our small hearts. You see, I had a friend who had overconfidence, the bad kind. I had the good kind of confidence, like I could teach a college class about it and it would have been called Confidence 2501. Well, that friend had some friends that I eventually became friends with. At the time, they turned out to be the best kind of friends that I had had in my entire life. I wanted to be with them so much; to be part of their group.They were so cool to me, like, celebrities almost.

Today I'm only really close friends with one of them.

You see my beloved reader, I'm the kind of person that turned out to be socially awkward. I'm not the kind of socially awkward person that cannot socialize with anybody, a loner. I'm also not the person that makes frenemies or fake friends. I'm not emo, depressed or suicidal socially awkward. I have two very polar attitudes. When I'm comfortable with myself and the group I'm in, I can make really good conversation and I'll even make some good jokes. I am myself.  I don't care what those people think because I am comfortable enough to trust them to not hate me if I say something dumb. Then there's the other side of my social awkwardness. If I feel outshined, or if I'm the only stranger there, yeah, I won't talk much.

AND I LIKE TO TALK A LOT. LIKE, A TON.

Sometimes I have to be told to shut up. One of my friends likes to say that I always know what to say, that I can make conversation with anyone without difficulty. As if I could spot a cute guy and just walk up to him and bust out in conversation. Well I'm not like that. Yes it is true that the people who know me think that I can be like that, but that doesn't mean that I will.

Why?

Simply put, I don't trust people. I can look at someone and really like them from sight or really dislike them. I don't have a midground. Part of the reason that I am like that is because the people that surround me don't like to mingle. They are a little boring and its very frustrating because I have tried numerous times to introduce them to the world of mingling and it just doesn't work. I can almost say its rubbed on me a little. Once I find my comfort spot, I like to stay there. My mom is against that though and she tells me that in order to have friends, we have to be a friend. Easier said than done and especially because that woman is no closer to anyone else as the sun is close to Mars. But then she goes and tells me that I can't trust people. So my little brain says, "which is it woman!" I'd like to look up to her because she is right and she is my mom, but I can't look up to someone who doesn't set the example, so I just agree with her and try to be the best kind of friend to my friends.

Lately I have been faced with this situation: "So-and-So is lonely, be friends with them." I used to feel bragged about the situation because that meant that I am trustworthy and friendly and a good company, but now I think to myself, "Well I don't know if that person is going to be trustworthy and friendly back to me." So I turn down the request. We are not in Kindergarten anymore, we don't walk up to people and say, "Will you be my friend". No! It takes time and effort to build a relationship and I am honestly, a very difficult person to be around. I am very complicated and annoying at times. I also have a 3-strikes rule: I invite you 3 times and if 3 times you turn me down, I don't invite you again. Period. I will come to the conclusion that you don't want to hang out with me so I will avoid you the discomfort of turning me down; or more like keeping me in limbo.

When I was little I was scared of everything and it was really hard for me to make friends in school because I was afraid to talk to people. I just didn't know what to say. I don't have low self-esteem, I like myself a lot.  A LOT. (HEHE). I just don't always like people. Or I like them too much and I don't want to overwhelm them or scare them away. So I smile and agree and wave good-bye.

I guess I have to work on my personality? Yeah...........awk-ward

La Vaisselle

Everyone is enjoying the last of their meals. What ever it was, pasta, chicken, or even leftovers, what makes it taste so good is the mood. Around the table everyone shares a bit of their day, the most outstanding events. The mood is relaxed, humorous, and even nonchalant. As the meals are being finished, dishes are being picked up to be washed and put away. At this point, something bitter penetrates the atmosphere making it hard to breathe. What is it? What in the world could possibly disrupt a family dinner?

Pride.

I've seen this happen over and over, not just in the above scenario, but in many other occasions. The reason why I am writing this is because as I am sitting in my room, I'm thinking of all kinds of reasons as to why I haven't written in the past two months. Let me just say that I don't consider myself to be pridefull, but I am also not perfect. I have my flaws and one of them at times is my pride. But let us begin to examine this aspect of life by defining its meaning. To me there are two types of pride: the kind that makes you feel all bubbly and pink inside because you did something good and the kind that blinds your reasoning skills and doesn't allow you to face a mistake. Very opposite right? How can pride be good and bad at the same time? Well, pride is a little green monster inside of us. I mean, we all feel great because we got a good grade, or because we gave CPR to a fainted child. My point is, the good kind of pride makes you want to write a book about your accomplishments. Its the kind of feeling that if the whole world was doing something right, we would all get along. Its the good kind of bragging. You walk into the room with your chin held high and you want to say, "yes, I did that and I'm so proud of it."

The bad pride hurts.

It hurts no matter how much you apologize. Why? Because you don't apologize. The little green monster inside will wrap its little green claws around the other person's feelings until the other person breaks in two. Two nasty little parts: the mind and the heart. The bad kind of pride doesn't feel bad for hurting someone because in their mind, what they did, or said, was right. No matter how much they hurt the other person. Like racism. White people thought they were better and abused their slaves and when the slaves were free, they were too proud to say I'm sorry. The bad pride turns people into jerks. The kind of jerks everyone hates. Yeah, I said hate and I'll say it again, people hate jerks! JERKS!!!

JERK JERK JERK JERK JERK=HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

Its good to say that although I have a lot of pride in my accomplishmets, I'm not too proud to apologize. I know when I'm wrong. I can admit when I'm wrong. There may be one single person in this little planet that will tell you otherwise. Yet, I disagree. I can tell you right away if I am wrong. I am not perfect and the fact that people think that I can manage it all breaks my heart. I'm not plastic you know? I'm a human with feelings and goals. I'm a human that makes mistakes, thinks bad thoughts and says bad things. That's how imperfect I am. I can't do everything even thought I pretend to. I cannot be forced to be Ms. Social-Nice-Good Example.

If there is one thing that I hate more than pride are assumptions but you my reader, already know that. Anyone who assumes I am excellen at everything I do is obviously not close to me. You got to know me in order to predict me. I don't like everyone, I will not talk to everyone and I will not, no matter what, approve of anyone who is too proud to say I'm sorry.

The Birds and the Bees

This topic...

Well my loyal readers, you see, there is a time when the birds and the bees in the tittle above, when they go on about their business. You see, there are the little birds and they do their bird thing and then there are the bees and they do their bee thing. Then they all collaborate and boom! There is more little flying creatures!

And then there's me.

I'm neither a bee or a bird, but you see, there comes a time in a woman's life when our bodies demand a change. Well, this change is very hard to accept and accommodate to. It cannot be done upon our single effort. I cannot say that I am happy or unhappy but at least I can say that I am moderately satisfied. Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted so badly to do this. I've dreamt so much about this phase in my life; how to plan it, how to live it, how to train it, how to be good at it. It takes practice I guess, although we were not necessarily programmed to live this way.

This past week has been a little hard to accept and a little hard to live by. I'm not really sure how to go about and tell people about it. The few I've told seem to be shocked and one even called it "lame". Some people are happy though, because really its a good thing. My health seems to be fine, up to now I guess. I'm not really sure how its going to change but hopefully I won't feel the difference too much, although its going to be absolutely impossible to hide it.

I'm glad my mom seems to be supportive about it. She asks me a lot of questions though and then gives me her opinion a lot. My dad though...he wasn't happy. Well, he's not mad but I get the feeling he looks down upon it a little... My sister though, she doesn't seem to mind, well technically its my life right? Overall, I'm glad I don't have to go through this alone, its a brand new me, the two parts of me.

I even got me a book last week so I knew exactly what I was doing. Its expensive as I had thought. One of my number one reasons why I didn't want this to happen. Its also a lifetime effort, I can't just give it up because I might get tired of it. When I decided it was time to do this, I gave thought to it. A lot of thought. I came up with reasons trying to convince myself why I should not do it ( I seem very calm don't I?) I couldn't come up with enough reasons why I shoud stop myself; it was love you know? It happens I guess, well to me it did. At first, I couldn't belive it that I was able to carry on the first time. Then the second, then the third. And finally, BOOM! Excatly what I did not plan to happen, happened.

I think as time goes by, people will learn to accept it without giving me weird looks. I know I used to be the one giving all the bad looks. Now the tables have switched and here I am. I don't really think I care what people think, but I guess I assumed they would be more understanding, these things HAPPEN!  In our day, anyone can do this job alone and be good at it. So why can't I be a vegetarian? I think I can :)

Success!

This has got to be one of the best days in my life! 1000(+) views of my blog. Thank you readers!
You have made me the person I am today and I shall continue to live writing :')

Love,

Lady in Pink <3