In all honesty to heart, I would like to say that this blog is intended for a formality. I'm not sure if there is a legality tied to it, but if ther is , good, if not, then its ok. A while ago, a friend of mine died. She was young and healthy. Or so we thought. She was about my age at the time. Probably 18 or 19. I thought of her as an example to me even though we were not close. She lived in a little town far away from the city and she attended the French congregation. She was also a pioneer. I've probably mentioned before why I moved to the French, but she was one big huge motivation, and still is. One day, she went to the hospital for something minor, like a headache or stomachache. Something minor. She was released and then went back because she wasn't feeling well still and then she...just...died. It was honestly the most traumatic news I've received. Its really, really sad when people only call when someone dies. It was the spring of my senior year in high school and when my mom told us, it really shocked us more than anything. Even though we were not close, I still thought of her as an example to me and I had made plans to visit the French with her. It was so fast. No one had a chance to process. So we went to school and that's when I broke down. To make matters worse, my French teacher was being unreasonable and would not let me leave class to talk to another teacher. I really disliked that woman and more so after that day.
I've always told my Jedi Master that I would like to die in service. Yes I am writing about this with a little bit of sentiment and a tear in my eye. Death can happen so fast. Even in our sleep. So this morning I got a text from a friend in Chicago and he was telling me how much he appreciates me. I thought he was telling me this because he was getting disfellowshipped. So I panicked a little (everyone seems to be getting disfellowshipped lately...sigh...), then he told me that one of his friends died over the weekend. And so we got into talking about our death wishes.
I do think this is important and I am being very serious. I know it may seems morbid to some, but there is a specific way tha I want things to be carried out in the case of my death. No one wants to die or think about dying, but its a life fact. People don't die from being old. People die every day for any given reason. So here are my wishes.
1. I've appointed two people to verify that this is accurate and there is no need to mention them because only they know.
2. Dying is very expensive. So I would like to impose the least amount of debt to my family. I would like to either be cremated or burried in satin on a bed of roses. Also if, the latter, it needs to be closed caskett. No one needs to see me in my shribbled, decaying state. I want people to remember me as I was in life and not in death.
3. I want everyone to write their favorite memory of me and I want to be burried with those notes. When I wake up, I want to read them. So if my parents decide to cremate me, they have to get a box or jar big enough to put all my notes with me.
4. I really want people to remember me as the person that I was in life and not of a sad memory of my funeral or memorial service. Therefore, I would like people to dance. I want them to have fun because I loved having fun. I know people will want to cry and its ok to cry. However, an old friend told me we should rejoyce in the death of someone because their suffering is over. When they wake up, everything will be new and perfect. That is exactly what I want. I want people to celebrate my life accomplishments. I don't want people to go home and cry over me. So dance and rejoyce, for I have ran my race and finished it. I would love for all my loved ones to live their pain, but not the day of my memorial. I hate memorial services. They make me cry and then I end up hating the song we sang. Please. Not for me.
5. In this celebration of my life, I want people to eat mediterranean food, cookies, and tea. Because that is what I loved. This way, people will talk about the things they know I liked and they will remember all the good happy moments they had with me. No one needs to be talking about how I died. That is way too sad.
6. No roses allowed for decoration. I like lillies and orchids and tulips. The bed of roses is for my own self that one one will see.
7. At the memorial, everyone wear pink or white. Black is again, too depressing.
8. I want all my things to be sold so that the money can be donated to the Watchtower. My sister might want to keep some of my stuff and she can if she wants to, but everything else gets sold. My mother has to keep my teddy bears. She will know which ones.
9. No Instagram vidoes of me or "RIP" pictures either. Or on Facebook. My sister and my friend in Chicago can make a memorial video of me but it is not to get published on any social website.
10. My best friend gets Where I Really Belong. My sister knows where to find that.
11. My friend form Chicago will be in charge of the maintenance and upkeep of my blog.
12. Coco gets everything back. My friend from Chicago knows why.
13. My friend from Chicago wants my diploma. He can have it...I guess. Its not important but he helped me through college, I suppose he deserves it.
14. My memorial talk will have to be given in Spanish and translated to English. My heart is in French but my family wouldn't understand it. Besides, I love Spanish more than anything. I cannot assing someone to give my talk. The Spanish elders know me best but I love my French elders the most. So whoever is capable but that knew me well.
15. The thing I hate most about memorials and funerals is when people ask the family and close friends "How are you?" as if that wasn't an inferred question. So. That is the purpose of 3,4, and 5. Also, I don't want anyone to attend the burrial. That is perhaps the saddest of all things in this life. So no public burrial. No sad memories of me. Where ever it is that my parents live, I want to be taken with them. When I wake up, I want them to be there. I don't know how resurrection is going to be, but this is the way I want it, just in case.
I realize a lot of this may not sound serious but I have my personal reasons for wanting it to be this way. Which is why I appointed two people to make sure it gets done. I also know that we live in the end of this system so circumstances may vary. In an ideal situation, the above is the way I want things done, but if it cannot, then I understand. Since this is a blog and I can edit it as many times as I want, I will probably modify my wishes with time. I just want to leave things in formal writing in case I die in the next few seconds. I want to take this opportunity to tell my family that I love them beyond reason. I want to thank them for being there for me in thick and thin and for all the good things they taught me, for all the kindness they showed me and for all they loved me. I want to thank my friends for being my friends and understanding me. I love them very much as well . I would like to apologize to anyone I've hurt and hopefully they can forgive me so we can be friends in Paradise.
To all my teachers, thank you for all the lessons taught. To my kids, for all the love and patience they had with me. In an ideal world, this would just be a silly blog. However, this is not an ideal world.
As closing, I would like to thank my audience. Anyone who wants to remember me can come to this blog and read my thoughts and feelings and emotions. Honestly, this is the way I want to be rememberd.
Monday, February 24, 2014
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
Cliques, Clouds, Clowns, Climate.
When my sister and I were little, we were playmates more than sisters. In fact, we were lucky enough to get gifts from all our aunts, uncles, grandparents and strangers because we were the first nieces and granddaughters to be born. We were what you call "unofficial twins" because we are so close in age. Due to to the fact that we are so close in age, we've always been raised as if we were the same age, meaning that she gets treated like she is older than she really is and I get treated like I'm younger than I really am. It works that way because I am the oldest and I am my parent's guinea pig. Also we've been given the same things in the same amount and quality, we've shared friends and belongings, we've been to the same places, we've been given the same attention, we were born on the same day of the week, on the same day number and have the same initials in our names. Above all things, my sister and I do things for each other very much against our will because we have each other's back no matter what.
For example, sometimes I don't want to go somewhere because a certain someone is going to be there, but my sister will want to go, so I'll go for her. I will put up with the situation and the people and she gets to have a good time. Of course, she does the same for me. Its a very nice arrangement we have going. I have to say thought, ever since I got promoted at work, she's helped me out a ton. You see, she left the company we were working at to pursue a full time job. This gave me the opportunity to climb to her position even thought that meant I had to give up my kids.
Its funny how much I get attached to children. Maybe because I'll never have my own (not that I want to). But there is something about working with children that has always given me some kind of satisfaction that I cannot get any other way. Their smiles and laughter, their noise, their imagination and creativity; its so beautiful. Working with kids is the only thing I've ever known how to do well. So now that I'm not in direct contact with the kids, I feel like I'm going through this child-withdrawal. Like a smoker who gives up smoking. I miss my kids... Hopefully I'll graduate college next year and I'll be an official teacher, except for the fact that I'll be working with teenagers. Kids are too loud and messy and although I am aware that teens are dangerous children, I still want to work with them. Someone has to do it, and I'm not in it for the money. I'm not in it either because "those who can't do, teach". I can do a lot of things, I just chose to teach. Not everyone can be a teacher, it takes passion. Being the ambitious person that I am, I know my passion is more than I can begin to describe.
Something that I learned while working with kids is that kids are mean to each other. They are as mean as mean gets because they don't understand limits. Some children learn very early that some things you just can't joke about. Others, don't.
I'm not really sure why, but I've always been teased. Like literally, my entire life. When I'm not being teased by my family, I'm being teased by my friends and even strangers.
There's this one time that I will never forget...
When I was in the sixth grade I was very strange looking. All children go through an ugly phase, mine was sixth grade. When I say ugly I mean physically because we start puberty and everything goes downhill. You get pimples and braces and your hair is a mess and your clothes are a mess and your personality is awkward and you don't understand your emotions and body parts are developing. Its an awkward phase. Well my phase consisted of me wearing a lot of clothes that had at one point belonged to my mother in the 80s and styling my hair the way I had seen my mother and aunts style their hair in the 90s. I didn't know any other way and no one told me how to dress...except my mom...but she was too impressed that I could fit into her size four clothes from years ago. Well, being in sixth grade, I would always see girls crying in the hallway or making drama. I was obviously not a popular girl so I was just an outside observer with absolutely no interest in the matter. So these girls would cry every time their boyfriends dumped them and when other girls would start drama with them. I would go home and tell my mom those girls were stupid because they were so young and shouldn't be dating. A few times I felt bad for them, but mostly I would just laugh in my head.
One day, I was reading in study hall minding my own business. There was this one guy in the 6th grade who was very popular among the girls. He was tall, black, charming, flirtatious, and his last name was synonymous to amour. Quite frankly, he got on my nerves. Like any guy getting too much attention, he thought he was the bees knees, a coke and bag of chips, prince charming, Chris Brown in the flesh. I would always stare at him because he would just get on my nerves but I never spoke to him. I can't remember if he was in any of my classes but he was in my study hall for sure. So like I said, one day I was reading and he came and sat next to me. I tried ignoring him and just kept reading but he kept staring at me on the seat right next to me. I don't remember if at one point I actually asked him what he wanted or not, but I do remember like if it had been yesterday, what he did next. He grabbed my arm and started caressing it and he said "Baby, look, its not going to work out. I'm just not interested." I looked at his had on my arm, looked at him and firmly told him "Don't touch me. I don't like you." He laughed cynically, got up and walked away. I'll never forget that day because it was the first time a boy had disrespected me with such audacity. Later on I found out that one of my friend's friends who was also in that same study hall had noticed me staring at the guy so she went and told him that I liked him. When she told him, he was like "Who is that?" and she said "That girl from study hall" and he said "Wh...Oh! Ugh! Ew! Her?!" I guess I was not attractive enough for him (or anyone really, I can admit that). I hated the dude all the way until my senior year in high school. Actually...one time I ran into him because he lives a few houses down my street. I was walking with my sister around the neighborhood and he ran into us. He actually stopped to have a conversation. I don't remember exactly why but that was the only time that he acted normal and wasn't a jerk. We ended up in the same science class our senior year. One time I was trying to print something and he got in front of the printer to block my way and would not let me get my stuff. It wasn't the kind of teasing blocking like "try to get it", it was more like he was being a serious jerk and he was being mean. So one of the other girls that got along with him had to go around him and told him to stop being a jerk. By that time I had walked away thinking I could get my papers later or I could print them another day. But the girl got my papers and gave them to me and apologized for him. Yeah. He was the biggest jerk I've ever met and I didn't like him up until my very last day in high school.
Ever since that dreadful day, I've learned to put up with the teasing. Obviously I'm not 12 anymore and I can defend myself so if someone is crossing the line, I will not put up with it. However, I cannot stand when people who don't have permission to tease me, tease me or anybody I know. Or when you've asked someone to stop teasing you in the most serious manner and they continue. I will not put up with it. I don't care how close I am to someone, if I don't like what I am being teased about or if someone is teasing my sister or one of my best friends, I will not put up with it. Its one of those injustices that my ego cannot stand. Some things you just can't joke about. Some things are inappropriate to joke about. Some things are mean to joke about. Some things are hurtful to joke about. And some people, like children, just don't understand limits. That really gets under my skin. We are adults and yet some adults act worse than children. I don't care who you are, if you tease or joke around inappropriately, we are not friends. Period.
You know what else is hurtful? Cliques. I'm not saying this to get my sixth grade venting out of my system. I'm saying it because its been brought up to my attention multiple times by multiple people. Cliques make people feel left out. Cliques are showy, like "look at me and how much fun I'm having and look at all my friends and YOU'RE NOT HERE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT COOL ENOUGH." Cliques also make people change. It makes people within the clique think that they are more fun or cooler than the rest of us "boring people." Cliques don't allow people from the outside join their clique. They have to prove that they are just as fun and just as cool. Cliques peer pressure themselves to be a certain way. Cliques instigate things and people and situations. At one point in my life, last year actually, I thought I had finally found a group to belong to. I felt accepted and loved and I was having fun. Too much fun. And then I realized...how hurtful it was to the people on the outside. So I left. On purpose. Because I didn't want to be a part of it. I may not have a lot of friends, but its better to be with a few good friends than a lot of bad friends. Some friendships are just not worth pursuing. I'm not saying everyone in a clique is bad. I'm saying that in all togetherness, cliques make outsiders feel bad. I'm just an outside observer who was inside at one point but I still have no interest in the matter. I have my sister and that's all I'll ever really need. I'm currently working in filtering out my friendships and looking for friends that have the same goals that I have, friends that don't tease me and friends that will bring me up instead of tearing me down. Of course I want to have friends, but people change over time. And right now its time to learn to let go of people who are not producing any goodness in my life. I'm young and I want to have fun. But I never want to make anyone feel like they're not good enough to be my friend or that I'm too busy to be their friend.
On a very happy note, winter has been the loveliest it could be. Its been freezing cold, we've had two seriously horrible winter storms that shut down the city, and it snowed!
For example, sometimes I don't want to go somewhere because a certain someone is going to be there, but my sister will want to go, so I'll go for her. I will put up with the situation and the people and she gets to have a good time. Of course, she does the same for me. Its a very nice arrangement we have going. I have to say thought, ever since I got promoted at work, she's helped me out a ton. You see, she left the company we were working at to pursue a full time job. This gave me the opportunity to climb to her position even thought that meant I had to give up my kids.
Its funny how much I get attached to children. Maybe because I'll never have my own (not that I want to). But there is something about working with children that has always given me some kind of satisfaction that I cannot get any other way. Their smiles and laughter, their noise, their imagination and creativity; its so beautiful. Working with kids is the only thing I've ever known how to do well. So now that I'm not in direct contact with the kids, I feel like I'm going through this child-withdrawal. Like a smoker who gives up smoking. I miss my kids... Hopefully I'll graduate college next year and I'll be an official teacher, except for the fact that I'll be working with teenagers. Kids are too loud and messy and although I am aware that teens are dangerous children, I still want to work with them. Someone has to do it, and I'm not in it for the money. I'm not in it either because "those who can't do, teach". I can do a lot of things, I just chose to teach. Not everyone can be a teacher, it takes passion. Being the ambitious person that I am, I know my passion is more than I can begin to describe.
Something that I learned while working with kids is that kids are mean to each other. They are as mean as mean gets because they don't understand limits. Some children learn very early that some things you just can't joke about. Others, don't.
I'm not really sure why, but I've always been teased. Like literally, my entire life. When I'm not being teased by my family, I'm being teased by my friends and even strangers.
There's this one time that I will never forget...
When I was in the sixth grade I was very strange looking. All children go through an ugly phase, mine was sixth grade. When I say ugly I mean physically because we start puberty and everything goes downhill. You get pimples and braces and your hair is a mess and your clothes are a mess and your personality is awkward and you don't understand your emotions and body parts are developing. Its an awkward phase. Well my phase consisted of me wearing a lot of clothes that had at one point belonged to my mother in the 80s and styling my hair the way I had seen my mother and aunts style their hair in the 90s. I didn't know any other way and no one told me how to dress...except my mom...but she was too impressed that I could fit into her size four clothes from years ago. Well, being in sixth grade, I would always see girls crying in the hallway or making drama. I was obviously not a popular girl so I was just an outside observer with absolutely no interest in the matter. So these girls would cry every time their boyfriends dumped them and when other girls would start drama with them. I would go home and tell my mom those girls were stupid because they were so young and shouldn't be dating. A few times I felt bad for them, but mostly I would just laugh in my head.
One day, I was reading in study hall minding my own business. There was this one guy in the 6th grade who was very popular among the girls. He was tall, black, charming, flirtatious, and his last name was synonymous to amour. Quite frankly, he got on my nerves. Like any guy getting too much attention, he thought he was the bees knees, a coke and bag of chips, prince charming, Chris Brown in the flesh. I would always stare at him because he would just get on my nerves but I never spoke to him. I can't remember if he was in any of my classes but he was in my study hall for sure. So like I said, one day I was reading and he came and sat next to me. I tried ignoring him and just kept reading but he kept staring at me on the seat right next to me. I don't remember if at one point I actually asked him what he wanted or not, but I do remember like if it had been yesterday, what he did next. He grabbed my arm and started caressing it and he said "Baby, look, its not going to work out. I'm just not interested." I looked at his had on my arm, looked at him and firmly told him "Don't touch me. I don't like you." He laughed cynically, got up and walked away. I'll never forget that day because it was the first time a boy had disrespected me with such audacity. Later on I found out that one of my friend's friends who was also in that same study hall had noticed me staring at the guy so she went and told him that I liked him. When she told him, he was like "Who is that?" and she said "That girl from study hall" and he said "Wh...Oh! Ugh! Ew! Her?!" I guess I was not attractive enough for him (or anyone really, I can admit that). I hated the dude all the way until my senior year in high school. Actually...one time I ran into him because he lives a few houses down my street. I was walking with my sister around the neighborhood and he ran into us. He actually stopped to have a conversation. I don't remember exactly why but that was the only time that he acted normal and wasn't a jerk. We ended up in the same science class our senior year. One time I was trying to print something and he got in front of the printer to block my way and would not let me get my stuff. It wasn't the kind of teasing blocking like "try to get it", it was more like he was being a serious jerk and he was being mean. So one of the other girls that got along with him had to go around him and told him to stop being a jerk. By that time I had walked away thinking I could get my papers later or I could print them another day. But the girl got my papers and gave them to me and apologized for him. Yeah. He was the biggest jerk I've ever met and I didn't like him up until my very last day in high school.
Ever since that dreadful day, I've learned to put up with the teasing. Obviously I'm not 12 anymore and I can defend myself so if someone is crossing the line, I will not put up with it. However, I cannot stand when people who don't have permission to tease me, tease me or anybody I know. Or when you've asked someone to stop teasing you in the most serious manner and they continue. I will not put up with it. I don't care how close I am to someone, if I don't like what I am being teased about or if someone is teasing my sister or one of my best friends, I will not put up with it. Its one of those injustices that my ego cannot stand. Some things you just can't joke about. Some things are inappropriate to joke about. Some things are mean to joke about. Some things are hurtful to joke about. And some people, like children, just don't understand limits. That really gets under my skin. We are adults and yet some adults act worse than children. I don't care who you are, if you tease or joke around inappropriately, we are not friends. Period.
You know what else is hurtful? Cliques. I'm not saying this to get my sixth grade venting out of my system. I'm saying it because its been brought up to my attention multiple times by multiple people. Cliques make people feel left out. Cliques are showy, like "look at me and how much fun I'm having and look at all my friends and YOU'RE NOT HERE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT COOL ENOUGH." Cliques also make people change. It makes people within the clique think that they are more fun or cooler than the rest of us "boring people." Cliques don't allow people from the outside join their clique. They have to prove that they are just as fun and just as cool. Cliques peer pressure themselves to be a certain way. Cliques instigate things and people and situations. At one point in my life, last year actually, I thought I had finally found a group to belong to. I felt accepted and loved and I was having fun. Too much fun. And then I realized...how hurtful it was to the people on the outside. So I left. On purpose. Because I didn't want to be a part of it. I may not have a lot of friends, but its better to be with a few good friends than a lot of bad friends. Some friendships are just not worth pursuing. I'm not saying everyone in a clique is bad. I'm saying that in all togetherness, cliques make outsiders feel bad. I'm just an outside observer who was inside at one point but I still have no interest in the matter. I have my sister and that's all I'll ever really need. I'm currently working in filtering out my friendships and looking for friends that have the same goals that I have, friends that don't tease me and friends that will bring me up instead of tearing me down. Of course I want to have friends, but people change over time. And right now its time to learn to let go of people who are not producing any goodness in my life. I'm young and I want to have fun. But I never want to make anyone feel like they're not good enough to be my friend or that I'm too busy to be their friend.
On a very happy note, winter has been the loveliest it could be. Its been freezing cold, we've had two seriously horrible winter storms that shut down the city, and it snowed!
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Blogging Rules
2013 has not been my year. In fact, the only great thing that has happened to me in this year is the French. Had it not been for them, I think I would have lost it completely. But I'm not here to talk about 2013. I'm here today to talk about awkward moments. Take for example last week. I was walking to class and as I was going up the stairs, my teacher came out of nowhere. Mind you that I had not turned in an assignment due the night before. Immediately I said good morning and then changed it to good afternoon which then I turned into complete silence as my teacher and I mentally decided if it was morning or afternoon. Then we came out of the stair corridor and walked in two opposite ways to get to the classroom. Of course the whole time I was thinking OMG he hates me because I didn't turn in the homework. I came in to the classroom feeling slightly stupid and slightly embarrassed. Then we took a test and he didn't let us go home like most regular teachers. My class is three hours so we had 1.5 to do the test and 1.5 to do lecture. For those of us who finished early, we were allowed to leave and come back when the hour and a half was over. I had gotten a new phone the day before so I was very occupied with my new gadget and then out of nowhere I get a text from a random number.
"why so serious?"
Call me crazy but that sounds like something The Joker said...or could say...So I freaked out. I replied asking "who is this" and I got a reply two seconds later. It was a classmate who just happens to be in my group for class and sits behind me. I said "oh ok" which in all texting language means you do not want to continue to talk. But this guy did not get the clue so I kept replying with one word answers. I mean we are not friends and I don't like him very much. Thankfully class started shortly after and I stopped replying. Only too bad that by the end of class I tried so hard to escape super fast so I would not run into him. (Mind you that he asked me what my weekend plans were) So there I was changing my path of exiting the building and then out of no where he came out from some random place! Why!!! And there I was with my ridiculous "I can't hide my feelings so I make faces without noticing". I really can't help it. I wish I could but I do it so unconsciously and my mom, sister, and best friend are always calling me out on it. I thank them because I think discretion is a good virtue but I clearly lack it. I'm awful at avoiding people. Even by taking a different route I ended up bumping into the dude. On top of which he always waits now for me to leave and then proceeds to follow me all the way to the parking lot. Today I parked somewhere else. I wish I could be good at avoiding people because I find myself wanting to do it often. Deep down inside though, I have this little voice that I can usually keep quiet but then when I get distracted, it comes out. Mean Girls calls it word vomit.
I will admit to my faults. People who have known me for a very long time know that I will admit when I am wrong and I will apologize when necessary. Its not often that I know that I am wrong because I make it a point to think before I talk. I learned that in middle school. Except, for the times when I word vomit. I don't actually stop to think because I am too busy being angry which is usually when it happens. I think this happens to everyone. We all say things and think things we don't mean when we are angry and its always good to just be quiet when you're angry...unless an injustice has been committed.
So now I am forced to clarify how I blog...
I have been blogging since April 2009. Its going to be 5 years this coming April for those who are bad in math. I started blogging because I had a friend that used to blog and everything he did was cool. Or so I used to think. My kind of blogging has changed over time, or so I think. I try to write things that make me feel happy. Sometimes its something whiny, sometimes its something angry, sometimes its something thoughtful, sometimes its something smart. Whatever, you get the point. I write for myself to make me feel better. I never write for anyone else. Or to please anyone. This is my blog. I am expressing my freedom of press and speech. I am getting an education in order to better my writing. At first I was blogging for fun but now I blog to let out everything that is taking up too much room in my head. It makes me feel good. I know I have readers. I know some of my readers in person. I would never write something to get someone or even myself in trouble. That's stupid. Let it be known that I have blogger rules. These rules are my guidelines for writing. The only reason I break one of the rules is when it is pertinent to the blog. Here are my blogging ethics:
*I finally found the email I was looking for that I mentioned on my last blog. This friend I was just talking about gave me these three rules and this is what he told me: Eventually a blog gets known to people. So DON'T write anything that's going to create DRAMA!!!!
I try to stick to that. The rest of my rules go like this:
1.Write as it goes. In other words, what comes out is what stays.
2.Blogs can only be changed and never deleted.
3. Don't use names unless its pertinent. Especially don't use names on angry blogs.
4. Never write something bad about someone.
I'm not going to stop blogging. If it bothers people they can just not read it. If you read this blog you are not to get offended because you made the choice to read it. I am open to constructive criticism. That's why I have my comments activated. So now that that is settled, I feel so much better!
"why so serious?"
Call me crazy but that sounds like something The Joker said...or could say...So I freaked out. I replied asking "who is this" and I got a reply two seconds later. It was a classmate who just happens to be in my group for class and sits behind me. I said "oh ok" which in all texting language means you do not want to continue to talk. But this guy did not get the clue so I kept replying with one word answers. I mean we are not friends and I don't like him very much. Thankfully class started shortly after and I stopped replying. Only too bad that by the end of class I tried so hard to escape super fast so I would not run into him. (Mind you that he asked me what my weekend plans were) So there I was changing my path of exiting the building and then out of no where he came out from some random place! Why!!! And there I was with my ridiculous "I can't hide my feelings so I make faces without noticing". I really can't help it. I wish I could but I do it so unconsciously and my mom, sister, and best friend are always calling me out on it. I thank them because I think discretion is a good virtue but I clearly lack it. I'm awful at avoiding people. Even by taking a different route I ended up bumping into the dude. On top of which he always waits now for me to leave and then proceeds to follow me all the way to the parking lot. Today I parked somewhere else. I wish I could be good at avoiding people because I find myself wanting to do it often. Deep down inside though, I have this little voice that I can usually keep quiet but then when I get distracted, it comes out. Mean Girls calls it word vomit.
I will admit to my faults. People who have known me for a very long time know that I will admit when I am wrong and I will apologize when necessary. Its not often that I know that I am wrong because I make it a point to think before I talk. I learned that in middle school. Except, for the times when I word vomit. I don't actually stop to think because I am too busy being angry which is usually when it happens. I think this happens to everyone. We all say things and think things we don't mean when we are angry and its always good to just be quiet when you're angry...unless an injustice has been committed.
So now I am forced to clarify how I blog...
I have been blogging since April 2009. Its going to be 5 years this coming April for those who are bad in math. I started blogging because I had a friend that used to blog and everything he did was cool. Or so I used to think. My kind of blogging has changed over time, or so I think. I try to write things that make me feel happy. Sometimes its something whiny, sometimes its something angry, sometimes its something thoughtful, sometimes its something smart. Whatever, you get the point. I write for myself to make me feel better. I never write for anyone else. Or to please anyone. This is my blog. I am expressing my freedom of press and speech. I am getting an education in order to better my writing. At first I was blogging for fun but now I blog to let out everything that is taking up too much room in my head. It makes me feel good. I know I have readers. I know some of my readers in person. I would never write something to get someone or even myself in trouble. That's stupid. Let it be known that I have blogger rules. These rules are my guidelines for writing. The only reason I break one of the rules is when it is pertinent to the blog. Here are my blogging ethics:
*I finally found the email I was looking for that I mentioned on my last blog. This friend I was just talking about gave me these three rules and this is what he told me: Eventually a blog gets known to people. So DON'T write anything that's going to create DRAMA!!!!
That's one.
Two: I like your writing so far. It sounds really readable. Make it longer. :)
BE CAREFUL what you write about. Just thot you should know.
I try to stick to that. The rest of my rules go like this:
1.Write as it goes. In other words, what comes out is what stays.
2.Blogs can only be changed and never deleted.
3. Don't use names unless its pertinent. Especially don't use names on angry blogs.
4. Never write something bad about someone.
I'm not going to stop blogging. If it bothers people they can just not read it. If you read this blog you are not to get offended because you made the choice to read it. I am open to constructive criticism. That's why I have my comments activated. So now that that is settled, I feel so much better!
What its like to be 15
I was looking for an old email in order to write another blog that I am currently working on. I will post it soon because I am not finding this email that I'm looking for. I know the date period and the person that sent it to me but I can't find it. In the process of looking I came across a lot of emails and messenger conversations. Its amazing how much the world has changed in a matter of just four years. I'm about to be 21 in less than two months. This email was written a few days after I turned 17 and it sounds exactly the same way as my emails as when I was 15.15 is the age of unavoidable stupidity. I'm glad I can look back at this and realize how much I have changed and how much I still have to change. Suddenly I'm filled with memories and melancholy. I started ignoring my teacher last week so I have no clue what is going on in class. I should pay attention...
well it seems that i will not be communicating with you for the next 48 days... unless i try something even more stupid. then I'm not so sure. in fact idk if my dad was serious in the first place bc he said i was grounded one day per hour i didn't talk to him. he said that was two days... idk if sleeping counts but...sigh... idk. i tried texting you today with Danielle's phone but you just ignored her...her phone? idk.
I'm a little confused about your blog. i feel like its directed to me but then you talk about your job. could you please explain it to me? oh and if you are wondering why i am emailing you while I'm grounded its because my parents are not home and i told my mother i would be doing the oral review (which i will do as soon as im done with this email.(which i was supposed to do with you
))
also to everyone's pleasing i did talk to my parents last night(with the bible!). i dont thing that went well...? i mean we are "happy" ish. we are "talking" ish. but all they did was make me feel like crap and i still don't know why im grounded. then this morning i saw my vocab for this unit and guess what? i now know the true definition of the word indignation. here, i'll use it in a sentence. I felt indignated when I got grounded for not wanting to go to the park with my parents. or something like that.
point is that i miss you like crazy. i ramble on about you to danielle and poor thing bc she has to hear it all day. and the thing is that all day i think of all the things that i would say to you as soon as i'd get home or the stuff i'd text you as they happened! like for example that huge argument about me going to zach's house to study ended up in an 88 and an 85. or how today i ate danielle's apple jacks. or how i gave my refreinment speech today. i want to see you and talk to you and i really want to tell you that i love you.i miss those kisses in the morning and i miss falling asleep to your tender good night kisses. i really do. i even miss you picking on me and talking about the robots that will take over the earth. this is the time that i want to skip school. i want to run and find you. then I'd like us to have lunch and then you ramble about how its not mature and right what im doing. then I'd looooove to kiss you. then you'd forget what you were telling me and then...
you would eventually take me back to school by seventh period. I'd go to class and miss you even more. then i'd think of you instead of my algebra lesson. then I'd come home and procrastinate on my homework. well .... i wouldn't have hw because i just skipped school. but I'd think about you all afternoon and all night. this whole time i haven't slept well. i usually just cry myself to sleep cuddled with Alex. then i pray hard so you won't forget me. who knows for how long but the past two nights and so on have been and will be like that. i miss you. terribly. like a lot. please dont forget me.
Dear reader, you can judge me now.
well it seems that i will not be communicating with you for the next 48 days... unless i try something even more stupid. then I'm not so sure. in fact idk if my dad was serious in the first place bc he said i was grounded one day per hour i didn't talk to him. he said that was two days... idk if sleeping counts but...sigh... idk. i tried texting you today with Danielle's phone but you just ignored her...her phone? idk.
I'm a little confused about your blog. i feel like its directed to me but then you talk about your job. could you please explain it to me? oh and if you are wondering why i am emailing you while I'm grounded its because my parents are not home and i told my mother i would be doing the oral review (which i will do as soon as im done with this email.(which i was supposed to do with you
))also to everyone's pleasing i did talk to my parents last night(with the bible!). i dont thing that went well...? i mean we are "happy" ish. we are "talking" ish. but all they did was make me feel like crap and i still don't know why im grounded. then this morning i saw my vocab for this unit and guess what? i now know the true definition of the word indignation. here, i'll use it in a sentence. I felt indignated when I got grounded for not wanting to go to the park with my parents. or something like that.
point is that i miss you like crazy. i ramble on about you to danielle and poor thing bc she has to hear it all day. and the thing is that all day i think of all the things that i would say to you as soon as i'd get home or the stuff i'd text you as they happened! like for example that huge argument about me going to zach's house to study ended up in an 88 and an 85. or how today i ate danielle's apple jacks. or how i gave my refreinment speech today. i want to see you and talk to you and i really want to tell you that i love you.i miss those kisses in the morning and i miss falling asleep to your tender good night kisses. i really do. i even miss you picking on me and talking about the robots that will take over the earth. this is the time that i want to skip school. i want to run and find you. then I'd like us to have lunch and then you ramble about how its not mature and right what im doing. then I'd looooove to kiss you. then you'd forget what you were telling me and then...
you would eventually take me back to school by seventh period. I'd go to class and miss you even more. then i'd think of you instead of my algebra lesson. then I'd come home and procrastinate on my homework. well .... i wouldn't have hw because i just skipped school. but I'd think about you all afternoon and all night. this whole time i haven't slept well. i usually just cry myself to sleep cuddled with Alex. then i pray hard so you won't forget me. who knows for how long but the past two nights and so on have been and will be like that. i miss you. terribly. like a lot. please dont forget me.
Dear reader, you can judge me now.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
I want a Teacup Pig!!
So my friends now call my blog "The B" which I think is very cute. Also, someone get me a teacup pig. I will name him Fred and Fred will be cute and small and pink. I wanted to talk about love today.
On the real.
I've been in love once but unfortunately love turned out to be too much responsibility. I mean love is a big deal and it cannot possibly be healthy at a young age. In order for love to happen, there have to be a lot of factors involved (I am very uncomfortably positioned as I write this so I'll probably keep it short).
Every morning for the past three or so weeks I've been waking up feeling relieved and proud of myself. Many times I've stated that the most important thing for me right now is to pioneer and to finish school. Anything that gets in the way of that is a distraction. Boys included. However, I was watching this anime a few days ago and it was about some boys. Well, these boys asked this girl how they could get a girl to like them or what kind of guys girls liked or something like that. The girl first claimed to not know even though she herself was girl but then she told the boys that girls fall for boys that tell them that they like them if the boy has a pretty face. So I realize this sounds confusing so I'm going to show you the two cases:
*boy with pretty face*
I like you...
You do?
yes...
I do too...
*boy without pretty face*
I like you...
oh...really?
yes...do you like me?
I don't really know...but I don't think so...
I realize that this seems biased and that it leaves ugly boys at a. huge disadvantage but this is true. I know it sounds crazy but it is true. I mean, think about it. If Adam Levine went up to a girl and told her that he liked her as random as it seems, the girl would automatically fall for him. The only reason why this is true is because a girl would never talk to a guy that she doesn't find physically attractive in some way. Mind blowing right???
So if you are a boy out there and you are talking to a girl at night, feel privileged. The girl finds you attractive enough to stay awake and talk about idiocies. What about what is morally right to do though?? Mind you that this is not what I think, this is what I was taught to think based on true knowledge that is available to everyone. Any interaction between the opposite sexes that has no boundaries is bound to lead into very unwanted feelings and situations. I might sound like a hypocrite and I am not going to excuse myself. I have talked to guys past decent hours of the night. I have flirted before. I have provoked situations and feelings that I later regretted. I've also been hurt and used on the disadvantage that I put myself in that situation. Talking to guys is not wrong, its not immoral, and its not a sin. Of course its what you talk about and who you talk to that can potentially lead to trouble.
I'm a girl. Obviously. I know how girls think and I know their tricks. I know because I am a girl and I've used every card on the deck. I know where a girl is trying to get at by seeing the way she talks to the opposite sex and how she behaves. I know because I am a girl and I've seen it and done it and felt it and heard it and you can't fool me. NO sir, you can't. Although it is true that I tolerate a lot of things, it does not mean that I agree with them. I am just as guilty as every other girl.
I'm also guilty for falling for a guy that tells me he likes me (with a pretty face of course). And just as fast as I climbed on cloud nine, I jumped off. Guys are...guys. They are carnal. Girls...we are emotional. Unfortunately I am right when I wish I wasn't. That is why we are told to draw a line with the opposite sex. Well, I've decided to cave a trench, not a line. A line is much too easy to cross, but a trench takes effort and guys don't like to put effort into many things. I realize I am being general and blunt but it is what it is. As for right now I think I've said more than enough.
On the real.
I've been in love once but unfortunately love turned out to be too much responsibility. I mean love is a big deal and it cannot possibly be healthy at a young age. In order for love to happen, there have to be a lot of factors involved (I am very uncomfortably positioned as I write this so I'll probably keep it short).
Every morning for the past three or so weeks I've been waking up feeling relieved and proud of myself. Many times I've stated that the most important thing for me right now is to pioneer and to finish school. Anything that gets in the way of that is a distraction. Boys included. However, I was watching this anime a few days ago and it was about some boys. Well, these boys asked this girl how they could get a girl to like them or what kind of guys girls liked or something like that. The girl first claimed to not know even though she herself was girl but then she told the boys that girls fall for boys that tell them that they like them if the boy has a pretty face. So I realize this sounds confusing so I'm going to show you the two cases:
*boy with pretty face*
I like you...
You do?
yes...
I do too...
*boy without pretty face*
I like you...
oh...really?
yes...do you like me?
I don't really know...but I don't think so...
I realize that this seems biased and that it leaves ugly boys at a. huge disadvantage but this is true. I know it sounds crazy but it is true. I mean, think about it. If Adam Levine went up to a girl and told her that he liked her as random as it seems, the girl would automatically fall for him. The only reason why this is true is because a girl would never talk to a guy that she doesn't find physically attractive in some way. Mind blowing right???
So if you are a boy out there and you are talking to a girl at night, feel privileged. The girl finds you attractive enough to stay awake and talk about idiocies. What about what is morally right to do though?? Mind you that this is not what I think, this is what I was taught to think based on true knowledge that is available to everyone. Any interaction between the opposite sexes that has no boundaries is bound to lead into very unwanted feelings and situations. I might sound like a hypocrite and I am not going to excuse myself. I have talked to guys past decent hours of the night. I have flirted before. I have provoked situations and feelings that I later regretted. I've also been hurt and used on the disadvantage that I put myself in that situation. Talking to guys is not wrong, its not immoral, and its not a sin. Of course its what you talk about and who you talk to that can potentially lead to trouble.
I'm a girl. Obviously. I know how girls think and I know their tricks. I know because I am a girl and I've used every card on the deck. I know where a girl is trying to get at by seeing the way she talks to the opposite sex and how she behaves. I know because I am a girl and I've seen it and done it and felt it and heard it and you can't fool me. NO sir, you can't. Although it is true that I tolerate a lot of things, it does not mean that I agree with them. I am just as guilty as every other girl.
I'm also guilty for falling for a guy that tells me he likes me (with a pretty face of course). And just as fast as I climbed on cloud nine, I jumped off. Guys are...guys. They are carnal. Girls...we are emotional. Unfortunately I am right when I wish I wasn't. That is why we are told to draw a line with the opposite sex. Well, I've decided to cave a trench, not a line. A line is much too easy to cross, but a trench takes effort and guys don't like to put effort into many things. I realize I am being general and blunt but it is what it is. As for right now I think I've said more than enough.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Bunnies in Heaven?
I am in my Ethics class pretending to take notes. Class started over half an hour ago and the teacher has been rambling nonsense. Now we are starting the lecture on moral philosophy.
The past two weeks have been quite a challenge for me. I talked a little about my sister being in the ER but even the week before that I had finals and my car was very broken. Well my car was fixed, my sister got better and I passed all my classes. And then Wednesday happened. I haven't even been taking my medicine properly because of what a wreck its been.
Technically I had a debate in my head for the past few months so let me fill you in.
When I was little my grandpa's sister used to take care of me and my sister. Technically that makes her my tia-abuela but because she took care of us while my parents worked, we used to call her Mamá Cuca. We were with her Monday through Friday and holidays. She would pick us up from school, feed us dinner, bathe us and made sure we did our homework. In reality we had two homes and two mothers. My childhood is filled with memories in that house. Well my Mamá Cuca made this special arrangement at some point where we would go to my grandma's house every Friday to spend time with her and my great grandma. We always looked forward to Fridays. My grandma would make us fried fish and soup and she would give us carrots which she would carve hearts in and fill with lemon and salt. We would play in boxes and get wet in the patio. She would also let us look at my dad's miniature toy collection that he got from pastry packages when he was a kid. Sometimes we would go to the store or to the park in front of her house.
The day my parents found out that my Mamá Cuca was letting us spend time with my grandma, my mom flipped out. She had a good reason too. You see reader, my grandma's house was not a peaceful environment. My uncle was schizophrenic. Obviously back then there was not a lot of knowledge on the disease and the doctors just thought he had a bad temper. When he was finally diagnosed, he wouldn't take his medicine. This made him that much more violent. My mom also recounts many times when my grandma, great grandma, and uncle would get in physical altercations. Plus the fact that when they got mad, they would stop talking to each other for many, many days. I think my mom had a good reason to be concerned.
However, I don't remember anything crazy or dangerous happening any of the times that we were at my grandma's. All the memories I have about my uncle are nice. All the memories I have about my grandma and great grandma were about loving actions. In my mind I loved going there, especially on Christmas because my grandma makes the best punch ever.
My mom also talks about how she was abused by my grandma. I'm not really sure I'm supposed to be talking about this but I need to. Well, my grandma raised my dad by herself. My dad carries my great grandpa's last name and he called him dad. It is said that my dad actually met his real dad when he was young only once, but he doesn't remember. My great grandpa used to say when my mom was pregnant with me that I was going to be a girl and he used to get all sad that he would die before meeting me. He died shortly before I was born. My grandma though, did not like my mom. She still doesn't. And my great grandma always talked bad about my mom to my dad.
Lots of unnecessary tension. NONE of which I remember.
My great grandma though...she has a lot of history. I mean that tends to happen when you live 9 decades. But anyways, my great grandma was always so sweet to us. She even gave us money sometimes which was a big deal because my sister and I got a lot more valuable things from her. I cannot say that I have a bad memory of her. My great grandma was a very strong person. Even in her last days she refused to die. She was so old and sick and weak and she still would not die.
Genealogically I don't know who I am. My dad's family tree is completely screwed up. I have no idea what my paternal grandfather's medical history looks like. In all valid truth, I have no idea who I am in history. I had a lot of questions for my great grandma about all of this, and then again I was embarrassed to ask because I was not supposed to know. And what's worse is that I avoided talking to her because she would pity herself in her sick state. I feel slightly bad and slightly relieved. I'm not sad that she died, I'm just sad that I never told her how I truly felt. I never told her how grateful I was for keeping my paternal family semi-together. I never told her that I appreciated all my childhood memories in her house and with my grandma.
Maybe I'll see her in paradise.
I shouldn't care about genealogic matters but deep down inside I feel like half of me is inexistent. In ancient societies it was very important to know who you were, nowadays it doesn't matter. My only relief is that this system is coming to an end and in paradise I may be able to get some answers.
Until that day I comes, I have to sit in this class listen to my professor talk about something that I neither believe or have an interest on...
PS: Two people think that I was writing about Bunny. But I'm not so if you got to this sentence thinking that I would, then you're a NOOB!!!
The past two weeks have been quite a challenge for me. I talked a little about my sister being in the ER but even the week before that I had finals and my car was very broken. Well my car was fixed, my sister got better and I passed all my classes. And then Wednesday happened. I haven't even been taking my medicine properly because of what a wreck its been.
Technically I had a debate in my head for the past few months so let me fill you in.
When I was little my grandpa's sister used to take care of me and my sister. Technically that makes her my tia-abuela but because she took care of us while my parents worked, we used to call her Mamá Cuca. We were with her Monday through Friday and holidays. She would pick us up from school, feed us dinner, bathe us and made sure we did our homework. In reality we had two homes and two mothers. My childhood is filled with memories in that house. Well my Mamá Cuca made this special arrangement at some point where we would go to my grandma's house every Friday to spend time with her and my great grandma. We always looked forward to Fridays. My grandma would make us fried fish and soup and she would give us carrots which she would carve hearts in and fill with lemon and salt. We would play in boxes and get wet in the patio. She would also let us look at my dad's miniature toy collection that he got from pastry packages when he was a kid. Sometimes we would go to the store or to the park in front of her house.
The day my parents found out that my Mamá Cuca was letting us spend time with my grandma, my mom flipped out. She had a good reason too. You see reader, my grandma's house was not a peaceful environment. My uncle was schizophrenic. Obviously back then there was not a lot of knowledge on the disease and the doctors just thought he had a bad temper. When he was finally diagnosed, he wouldn't take his medicine. This made him that much more violent. My mom also recounts many times when my grandma, great grandma, and uncle would get in physical altercations. Plus the fact that when they got mad, they would stop talking to each other for many, many days. I think my mom had a good reason to be concerned.
However, I don't remember anything crazy or dangerous happening any of the times that we were at my grandma's. All the memories I have about my uncle are nice. All the memories I have about my grandma and great grandma were about loving actions. In my mind I loved going there, especially on Christmas because my grandma makes the best punch ever.
My mom also talks about how she was abused by my grandma. I'm not really sure I'm supposed to be talking about this but I need to. Well, my grandma raised my dad by herself. My dad carries my great grandpa's last name and he called him dad. It is said that my dad actually met his real dad when he was young only once, but he doesn't remember. My great grandpa used to say when my mom was pregnant with me that I was going to be a girl and he used to get all sad that he would die before meeting me. He died shortly before I was born. My grandma though, did not like my mom. She still doesn't. And my great grandma always talked bad about my mom to my dad.
Lots of unnecessary tension. NONE of which I remember.
My great grandma though...she has a lot of history. I mean that tends to happen when you live 9 decades. But anyways, my great grandma was always so sweet to us. She even gave us money sometimes which was a big deal because my sister and I got a lot more valuable things from her. I cannot say that I have a bad memory of her. My great grandma was a very strong person. Even in her last days she refused to die. She was so old and sick and weak and she still would not die.
Genealogically I don't know who I am. My dad's family tree is completely screwed up. I have no idea what my paternal grandfather's medical history looks like. In all valid truth, I have no idea who I am in history. I had a lot of questions for my great grandma about all of this, and then again I was embarrassed to ask because I was not supposed to know. And what's worse is that I avoided talking to her because she would pity herself in her sick state. I feel slightly bad and slightly relieved. I'm not sad that she died, I'm just sad that I never told her how I truly felt. I never told her how grateful I was for keeping my paternal family semi-together. I never told her that I appreciated all my childhood memories in her house and with my grandma.
Maybe I'll see her in paradise.
I shouldn't care about genealogic matters but deep down inside I feel like half of me is inexistent. In ancient societies it was very important to know who you were, nowadays it doesn't matter. My only relief is that this system is coming to an end and in paradise I may be able to get some answers.
Until that day I comes, I have to sit in this class listen to my professor talk about something that I neither believe or have an interest on...
PS: Two people think that I was writing about Bunny. But I'm not so if you got to this sentence thinking that I would, then you're a NOOB!!!
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Staying Pink!
Its not that I am trying to make up for my absence but I might as well get this out of my head.
1. I wrote a blog that I cannot stand. Its stupid and its embarrassing and I wish I could take it down. I have a rule as a writer and that is that everything I write stays up. Nothing comes down and that is the end of it. I hate myself for doing this but then again, I blog what I feel and think at the moment so I cannot say that what I felt of thought at the moment was dumb. It is how I felt and that is it.
2. I put my first person on my 'reject call' list last week!!! This made me feel so powerful because I actually took control of my emotions which is a huge step into adulthood. I am an adult, I've been one for the past two (almost three) years, but, I don't feel it. I still feel 18 but a more tired version of 18.
3. Ever since I was in high school I have loved lists. I love making them and thinking of them and accomplishing them. I just love lists. It makes me feel organized because I am not. I am a mess. I will admit that my room is not always clean or picked up. Unlike my sister, I don't have the patience to put stuff away in perfect order every time it needs to be put away. My excuse is that my room is a refletion of what is going on in my head and therefore if my head is a mess, my life is a mess, and my room is a mess. I'm not lazy, I just have other more important things to do. One day I will get better at this, when I have proper furniture to fit things the way I want to.
5. December 18th 2012 was the day it was announced in my Spanish congregation that I was leaving to the French. However, I started going regularly on the first Tuesday of the month of November of the same year. So although my official anniversary is not until tomorrow, I can say that I have been one year in the French congregation and I feel super comfortable with the language. In fact, I'm so comfortable and I feel so encouraged by these lovely people that I am working towards my pioneer goal. Finally after being in the truth for eight years, it is happening.
6. Once again, I have come to the conclusion that in the U.S. healthcare sucks. This past weekend my sister had to be rushed to the ER because she kept vomiting all day. She could not even keep water down. They diagnosed her with a UTI and finally sent her home after then had poked and probed her and could no longer giver her medicine (after three shots and a liter of fluids). Then on Monday she texted me telling me she could not breath and had chest pain so again I had to rush her to the ER because she was wheezing horrible and bending from the pain. The doctors then decided they didn't think she had a UTI and it was just the Flu. I mean...12 years in medical school and you can't get it right with two urine samples and two blood samples, and EKG, a CAT scan and an X-ray? I cannot wait for the bill to come in. Seriously I was so scared and stressed and my poor sister is still feeling chest pain. What caused it? WHO KNOWS!!!
7. We've had such a cold winter this year just as I had predicted! Since this summer was not hot for Texas, I just knew it would be cold during the winter and boy was I right! My year has sucked so so so much but its nice to have something amazing happen.
8. I did not mean to write a list but this is what came out so oh well. I like lists. Also, I've become obsessed with online shopping since I get more coupons than I can use.
9. Much to my dismay I have realized that even though I love my job, I need a new one. With my recent medical diagnosis, which I don't like to talk about in detail, I have come to the conclusion that even though I am sleepy, I can function the whole day. I know this to be true because I did it in high school and my first two years in college. However, having a job with a split shift makes it ten times harder to stay awake. I need either a full time job or an afternoon job. I cannot do this split shift nonsense. My school issues have not stopped disappointing me. All my classes will be online until I graduate and here I am against home-school now having to do it. It sucks like no other. So home school, a split shift and my medical issues have made me realize that if I don't get a full time job or a non-split shift job, I will eventually crash at the wheel. Scary stuff.
10. My acne is getting better! But my hair is not. In May when I quit my old job I went crazy and cut my hair (not with my stylist) and she messed it up. Being the hair person that I am I got over it in like an hour and decided I liked it because everyone else liked it. Well that is with the exception of one person but he's not important. Finally my hair grew back to normality and I went with my stylist and she gave me the flirtiest bob I've ever had. I loved it like love at first sight. Then one day I didn't straighten it to see how it would look curly short. Except it didn't curl. That is when I realized something was terribly wrong with a section at the bottom by my nape. It felt like burned plastic. Of course I freaked out. I stopped straightening my hair to see if other parts were damaged and indeed there was a lot of damage. Heat damage (after I researched it) is not like frying your hair or ruining it because of hair dye or perms. Heat damage on curly hair is when your hair is not curly anymore. Well that is at least how I understood it. It happens after applying heat over a long period of time and the only way to get rid of it completely is to cut it all off. I'm not cutting it again. Don't get me wrong, I love short hair for many reasons but I also like my medium-long curly hair (never long, always medium-long). I've had bobs many times in the past and they always grow back to normality so this is the first time I have heat damage. After intense research I found that coconut oil and coconut juice will help the healing process ( and the regrowth). I will post a link at the end of the video that's helped me find a cure to my hair. I need a haircut now but I started with the oil and water and expensive shampoo and my hair feels silky. Its still not curly but at least its nice that I don't have to do anything to it because it just falls flat/wavy. I will continue to post about the progress of my hair as it gets better.
Curly Hair Heat Damage > This is the video that helped me identify my problem and how to solve it.
SunKissAlba > This is the link to the playlist of the YouTuber for the heat damage tips. I know my hair was never as curly as hers but I still had curly hair so I recommend her.
Stay Pink!
1. I wrote a blog that I cannot stand. Its stupid and its embarrassing and I wish I could take it down. I have a rule as a writer and that is that everything I write stays up. Nothing comes down and that is the end of it. I hate myself for doing this but then again, I blog what I feel and think at the moment so I cannot say that what I felt of thought at the moment was dumb. It is how I felt and that is it.
2. I put my first person on my 'reject call' list last week!!! This made me feel so powerful because I actually took control of my emotions which is a huge step into adulthood. I am an adult, I've been one for the past two (almost three) years, but, I don't feel it. I still feel 18 but a more tired version of 18.
3. Ever since I was in high school I have loved lists. I love making them and thinking of them and accomplishing them. I just love lists. It makes me feel organized because I am not. I am a mess. I will admit that my room is not always clean or picked up. Unlike my sister, I don't have the patience to put stuff away in perfect order every time it needs to be put away. My excuse is that my room is a refletion of what is going on in my head and therefore if my head is a mess, my life is a mess, and my room is a mess. I'm not lazy, I just have other more important things to do. One day I will get better at this, when I have proper furniture to fit things the way I want to.
5. December 18th 2012 was the day it was announced in my Spanish congregation that I was leaving to the French. However, I started going regularly on the first Tuesday of the month of November of the same year. So although my official anniversary is not until tomorrow, I can say that I have been one year in the French congregation and I feel super comfortable with the language. In fact, I'm so comfortable and I feel so encouraged by these lovely people that I am working towards my pioneer goal. Finally after being in the truth for eight years, it is happening.
6. Once again, I have come to the conclusion that in the U.S. healthcare sucks. This past weekend my sister had to be rushed to the ER because she kept vomiting all day. She could not even keep water down. They diagnosed her with a UTI and finally sent her home after then had poked and probed her and could no longer giver her medicine (after three shots and a liter of fluids). Then on Monday she texted me telling me she could not breath and had chest pain so again I had to rush her to the ER because she was wheezing horrible and bending from the pain. The doctors then decided they didn't think she had a UTI and it was just the Flu. I mean...12 years in medical school and you can't get it right with two urine samples and two blood samples, and EKG, a CAT scan and an X-ray? I cannot wait for the bill to come in. Seriously I was so scared and stressed and my poor sister is still feeling chest pain. What caused it? WHO KNOWS!!!
7. We've had such a cold winter this year just as I had predicted! Since this summer was not hot for Texas, I just knew it would be cold during the winter and boy was I right! My year has sucked so so so much but its nice to have something amazing happen.
8. I did not mean to write a list but this is what came out so oh well. I like lists. Also, I've become obsessed with online shopping since I get more coupons than I can use.
9. Much to my dismay I have realized that even though I love my job, I need a new one. With my recent medical diagnosis, which I don't like to talk about in detail, I have come to the conclusion that even though I am sleepy, I can function the whole day. I know this to be true because I did it in high school and my first two years in college. However, having a job with a split shift makes it ten times harder to stay awake. I need either a full time job or an afternoon job. I cannot do this split shift nonsense. My school issues have not stopped disappointing me. All my classes will be online until I graduate and here I am against home-school now having to do it. It sucks like no other. So home school, a split shift and my medical issues have made me realize that if I don't get a full time job or a non-split shift job, I will eventually crash at the wheel. Scary stuff.
10. My acne is getting better! But my hair is not. In May when I quit my old job I went crazy and cut my hair (not with my stylist) and she messed it up. Being the hair person that I am I got over it in like an hour and decided I liked it because everyone else liked it. Well that is with the exception of one person but he's not important. Finally my hair grew back to normality and I went with my stylist and she gave me the flirtiest bob I've ever had. I loved it like love at first sight. Then one day I didn't straighten it to see how it would look curly short. Except it didn't curl. That is when I realized something was terribly wrong with a section at the bottom by my nape. It felt like burned plastic. Of course I freaked out. I stopped straightening my hair to see if other parts were damaged and indeed there was a lot of damage. Heat damage (after I researched it) is not like frying your hair or ruining it because of hair dye or perms. Heat damage on curly hair is when your hair is not curly anymore. Well that is at least how I understood it. It happens after applying heat over a long period of time and the only way to get rid of it completely is to cut it all off. I'm not cutting it again. Don't get me wrong, I love short hair for many reasons but I also like my medium-long curly hair (never long, always medium-long). I've had bobs many times in the past and they always grow back to normality so this is the first time I have heat damage. After intense research I found that coconut oil and coconut juice will help the healing process ( and the regrowth). I will post a link at the end of the video that's helped me find a cure to my hair. I need a haircut now but I started with the oil and water and expensive shampoo and my hair feels silky. Its still not curly but at least its nice that I don't have to do anything to it because it just falls flat/wavy. I will continue to post about the progress of my hair as it gets better.
Curly Hair Heat Damage > This is the video that helped me identify my problem and how to solve it.
SunKissAlba > This is the link to the playlist of the YouTuber for the heat damage tips. I know my hair was never as curly as hers but I still had curly hair so I recommend her.
Stay Pink!
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