The Birds and the Bees

This topic...

Well my loyal readers, you see, there is a time when the birds and the bees in the tittle above, when they go on about their business. You see, there are the little birds and they do their bird thing and then there are the bees and they do their bee thing. Then they all collaborate and boom! There is more little flying creatures!

And then there's me.

I'm neither a bee or a bird, but you see, there comes a time in a woman's life when our bodies demand a change. Well, this change is very hard to accept and accommodate to. It cannot be done upon our single effort. I cannot say that I am happy or unhappy but at least I can say that I am moderately satisfied. Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted so badly to do this. I've dreamt so much about this phase in my life; how to plan it, how to live it, how to train it, how to be good at it. It takes practice I guess, although we were not necessarily programmed to live this way.

This past week has been a little hard to accept and a little hard to live by. I'm not really sure how to go about and tell people about it. The few I've told seem to be shocked and one even called it "lame". Some people are happy though, because really its a good thing. My health seems to be fine, up to now I guess. I'm not really sure how its going to change but hopefully I won't feel the difference too much, although its going to be absolutely impossible to hide it.

I'm glad my mom seems to be supportive about it. She asks me a lot of questions though and then gives me her opinion a lot. My dad though...he wasn't happy. Well, he's not mad but I get the feeling he looks down upon it a little... My sister though, she doesn't seem to mind, well technically its my life right? Overall, I'm glad I don't have to go through this alone, its a brand new me, the two parts of me.

I even got me a book last week so I knew exactly what I was doing. Its expensive as I had thought. One of my number one reasons why I didn't want this to happen. Its also a lifetime effort, I can't just give it up because I might get tired of it. When I decided it was time to do this, I gave thought to it. A lot of thought. I came up with reasons trying to convince myself why I should not do it ( I seem very calm don't I?) I couldn't come up with enough reasons why I shoud stop myself; it was love you know? It happens I guess, well to me it did. At first, I couldn't belive it that I was able to carry on the first time. Then the second, then the third. And finally, BOOM! Excatly what I did not plan to happen, happened.

I think as time goes by, people will learn to accept it without giving me weird looks. I know I used to be the one giving all the bad looks. Now the tables have switched and here I am. I don't really think I care what people think, but I guess I assumed they would be more understanding, these things HAPPEN!  In our day, anyone can do this job alone and be good at it. So why can't I be a vegetarian? I think I can :)

Success!

This has got to be one of the best days in my life! 1000(+) views of my blog. Thank you readers!
You have made me the person I am today and I shall continue to live writing :')

Love,

Lady in Pink <3

Lost and Found?

I think I started to write this a while ago but never finished it, in fact, the grammar is wrong...but it can't just sit here as a draft. Kudos to the author :)

oh, on the nights i think of you

in the midst of the sweet scented breeze

i can feel soothing tenderness pass through me

it hurst because i know painfully well

that it will be sad when the conversationn ends

now i've detached myself from the freedom called loneliness

ah, on the nights i think of you

in the midst of the sweet scented breeze

i can feel soothing tenderness pass through me

Gaia

The above term means earth. I think its a very pretty word and therefore I am going to use it to give this blog a tittle.

I've been skipping class a lot lately because I cannot keep my focus. I am easily distracted by my million gazillion concerns and troubles in life. First of all I've got 3 friends with issues. I wish so badly with all  my heart that I could just not care. That I could step aside and let them figure it out without me feeling completely guilty. I also wished I could stop trying to find excuses to blame myself for every one else's misfortune. (Heck, I even think world hunger is my fault!) Then I have another friend who is uninformed about a certain situation and when they do find out, all bloody hell is going to break lose, and yet again, I am going to feel responsible. Then there is also the issue that I am about to go out of a job. Like soon. Like in a month. That doesn't scare me because I don't mind resting all summer and hanging out. Only too bad I actually signed up to take three classes over the summer and now I HAVE to get a job and pay for them. I haven't had many complications at work actually, except for the fact that I have run out of movies to show the kids and my coworker ends up allowing not-so-appropriate movies and already one parent has complained... I'm freaking out becase I did want to have a nice little encuraging chat with my elders just for the plain heck of literally, encouragement, but now I don't know what I'm going to tell them. In fact, I haven't decided if I actually sitll want to talk to them. Oh and an investigator called us recently, making me feel like my life is in some prominent danger. Other than that, I think everything is going just well.

I mean, I am healthy right? Sort of??? My allergies haven't bothered me...sort of??? I don't have to worry about a stupid boyfriend!!! That's really good right??? I'm almost done with this semester too, and if everything goes well, I'm going to pass all my classes. I also have my family, oh and my sister is graduating from High School. Yay sister! Oh and today is one of my bffs' last day of beauty school (congrats my love!!) so now we can hang out more. I've also got my house, my baby (aka car), my clothes, my current job that I really like, my relationship with my dearest creator, I've got close friends that I love and would give my life for, I've got my lapi-top (with my currently most favorite wallpaper), I'm going to see Coldplay (AAAAAAAAHHH), my parents have their jobs, oh yeah and I'm alive.

Speaking of summer, I would like to do some things so hence the Summer list:

1. Finish reading at least 5 theocratic books (I always start and never finish)
2. Go out on early service every saturday (I quit during winter...)
3. Find a summer job (I want to keep working with kids)
4. Read one or two pleasure books (no problem with that one)
5. Pass all my classes (Two math...eek!)
6. Go on a vacation (New Orleans and New York are on my US bucketlist)
7. Save money for next semester (because I've been stubborn enough to not get FAFSA)
8. Join a gym and loose 20 lbs (I've almost joined two in the last two months but I always back out)
9. Rearrange my room ( and decorate it!)
10. Throw a party (small, nothing too big...maybe)
11. Get a new phone/company (I'm very please with t-mobile, but my family complains a lot)
12. Make a summer album (not a scrapbook)
15. Make two mock videos (I already chose the songs and actors)
16. Plan my trip to France (that's a future blog)
17. Have a garage sale (so I can buy me clothes!)
18. Make a new friend ( I always do this over each summer)
19. Work on "Where I Really Belong" (long-term unfinished proyect)
20. Have lots of fun drama-free (please?)

Gaia is a word that reminds me that this whole place we live in is very big, and there is always someone who is in a worse situation than me. I'm going to focus, or at least try. I'm going to flush my mind of all these worries and just let go of my pain. Its a lovely life when we really stop to think about it.

Finding Time

My skin hurts. It hurts all over. I feel like I am burning and everything that rubs my skin in the lightest ways makes my skin crawl. All over I feel goosebumps and inside I feel like my insides are melting. Pain is relative, a weakness of the mind, and yet, I have given in to it.

I want to cry to let out everything that I feel, I want to talk to someone who will listen and not pretend just to care. But who am I to kid? Almost two months of silence went by because I have been biting my toungue. At this point, I can't even swallow. Every word that I mutter tastes bitter and cold, as if I were a very mean person.

False modesty is a way of lying, but lately I have found that secrets can turn into lies and lies can take the form of many other things. Like saying you are friends when you don't really mean it. Like saying you will care for your children and then letting them go the wrong way. What am I to do or say? I've said it before but I can say it again, I am not the person to sit and watch a disaster happen if I can avoid it.

I think that is my problem. I believe I have the power to fix things, or at least I like to pretend like I do. Possessing knwoledge is a gift, its what we do with it that makes a difference. Being ignorant is something that I look down upon, and yet here I am wishing that I couldn't tell wrong from right.

Everyone is guilty of something. Everyone.

For me, its a guilt that I cannot tolerate at this time because I have to do it alone. Its a heavy burden that I wish I could let go of, but I can't. Sometimes, we loose the people we love the most, maybe for the better. Breathing is a matter of uncounsiousness, thinking is also innate. I want to stop. I wish the world would stop for just a second and realize that with every selfish decision, we are hurting the people we love the most. I mean, who cares right? As long as we please ourselves and we can YOLO.

Let me say something about YOLO: it is the most mundane thinking there is. It is the most selfish style of living there is. We are in this world temporarily awaiting our reward. We cannot live for ourselves if we want that reward. We don't live once, we are meant to live forever. I don't think people realize how little time we have left, they just keep living like they don't have a clue that our reward is almost here.

I don't write to depress people or to criticize or make them angry or to try to change the world. I write because it is the most selfish thing I do; I need an outlet for my feelings.

Earlier this evening I was watching TV with my dear sister and one of the characters told another parent concerning parenting and children: "You found time to have them, now find time to be with them." Parenting is something I shouldn't talk about, but since I know exactly what this quote means, I'm going to take the bother to do so even though I don't have or plan to have kids.

Lately I've learned that parenting is a job no one is ready for and its a job that takes a lifetime. Jodi Picoult said, "you sign no contact to become a parent, but the responsibilities were written in invisible ink. There was a point when you had to support your child; even if no one else would. It was your job to rebuild the bridge even if your child was then one who had burned it in the first place." My dear reader, parenting is not something that can be taken for granted. The love of a mother surpasses any love in the world. When parents get lazy and comfortable, when they think they can trust their kids to make wise choices, when they stop caring who they are interacting with, when they refuse to see the warning signs, when they are too blind to see their children's feelings, when they leave them to in the care of a stranger's hand, when they allow them to do and get away with anything, when they don't take action in time to pull their kids back in line, when they are too uncomfortable talking to them, when their own kid becomes a stranger living in their house, that is when a parent has failed. Kids have to be let go of at one point, and we will never be ready enough to face the world out there. However, a parent will move heaven and hell to have their kids next to them their entire life. When, however, do they stop caring? When its too late? When the damage is too great? Whe the hope is gone? No. A parent will never give up. A child though will not care and leave. Parenting is a job that takes time and EFFORT. If you can't afford them, if you can't find the time to be with them, to get to know them, then you should not be a parent. You will ruin their lives and your own as a parent.  At 18, we do not become owners of our lives, we do not become responsible adults, we do not reach full maturity. 18 is a number designated by the government to give themselves permission to tax you and to draft you and to try us as adults and stick us in jail. 18 is just a number that gives us no right.

Sometimes, I wish I had a friend that would not leave. A friend that would know when I feel out of place without me saying it. I wish I had a friend that would not lie and that would do anything that would keep me in line. That one friend that can take care of me in times of sickness. This is not a pity party; it is simply a manifest of my sick mind. I told myself I would not cry, but I made no lousy promise to myself. One day I'm going to leave. I'm going to go so far away and so fast, it will make my head spin. I will leave and the only one that will care is my creator. I'm not angry or sad. I'm simply tired of people being selfish.