Prelude of Life Transitions

A few days ago I was suggested by a friend to take a computer class. I considered the advice somewhat biased and dismissed it. My excuse was that I would not need to take it because I have the necessary classes to finish the semester and transfer to my majors university. Oh and it wasn't on my degree plan. Today I was at the U of H open house and turns out I do need a computer proficiency class. I'm like...dude..why can't degree plans be consistent....

I mean college is already complicated as it is. Plus its expensive and the amount of time that it requires us students to invest in it is also a ridiculous amount of time. On top of that you have to deal with counselors that don't really care if they gave you the wrong information and you are too late to withdraw. Oh and let me not even get into the money situation. Who ever had the brilliant idea to make classes so expensive was clearly thinking that some people don't deserve an education. Then came the man that wanted to defy that reasoning and introduced the world to grants, scholarships and loans. Those also require time and effort. In return you either get free money or borrowed money. But hey, I'm part of this whole life transition so I can only learn to cope.

In a few months I will turn twenty. Holy guacamole with chips. Like seriously, it even sounds weird to think about. The feel in my tounge when I say it is so abnormal its not even funny. Yeah, I mean, I've even got to the point of saying that I refuse to turn twenty, that I will NEVER be twenty, maybe twenty one, but not twenty. Well, honestly even I know that that is impossible unless I die and resurrect in literally one year. However, I think the fact that I'm aging is hitting two other people in the gut much harder than its hitting me.

 My parents..

I totally get how they feel. I really do, which is why I'm not pushing for more freedom. I'm just slowly saying, look, I'm taking it because I need it. I really want it but I'm not going to push too much because quite frankly, I'm scared. I never imagined that going into the adult world would be so scary. I mean, I've always been super independent and go-getter but not now. Not when I see the emotional and physical toll. Really what scares me the most is that I'm getting further and further away from my childhood that I so dearly treasure...

You see reader, I've always had these ideals of what my future will look like and so far its not the same picture I had drafted in my head. On top of that, I have a secret. This secret I hold with one more person. Now, I'm about to share it with the world.

One time when I was in like first grade, my mom decided to do a house major clean up. She gave my sister and me this huge plastic bag and told us to put in the bag the toys we didn't really like or played with anymore. Well my sister and I grabbed that bag and put like five toys in there. I mean it took us like a good long while. We went through the toys and said, no not this one because we use it to play indians (or somethig) or we would say no, not this one because I got it from so and so at my so and so birthday and it means so and so to me. So after like forever (because we almost had all the toys in the world...) we  gave the bag to my mom and said, nope, sorry mom but we like all our toys. My mom just walked into the room and took like a gallilion of our toys. I mean, I felt like she was taking our arms and legs and we cried when we realized she was going to give them away to poor kids. Our selfish little selves waved our toys good-bye. We still had a gallilion toys and got new ones later on. Then on the second toy drive, we had a crisis. Of course we already knew we were not willing to give our toys away so my mom grabbed the bag without asking us this time and just dumped whatever she saw suitable. In that bag went a bunny.

That bunny was the most simple gray fluffy bunny ever. It was so simple that Ilse and I never played with it; it just sat on my shelf. When I saw that bunny I felt my heart stop, sink and melt. I cried histerically for that bunny that I had never played with and I still don't know why. My sister even told my mom that she had given away my precious bunny that I liked so much. I told her I would never see the bunny again and that I didn't tell her to give it away. I don't think I've ever been as mad at my mom as I was that day. Luckyly, we got to the bag before it was taken to the poor kids and I got the bunny back. I even named it Jazz Rabbit after a computer game from my computer class. (One day my mom washed Jazz and dried him in the drier for the first time and his fluffly hair turned into burned fur...but I forgave her). Jazz Rabbit was among my sleep toys. I also had Osito, Chinguini, Nanemi, and Bubbles (I can't remember if this dolphin was actually Bubbles or if that was my sister's dolphin's name, but I had a dolphin)

Ok, so these six creatures I slept with until I was 16. I'm not kidding. The only reason why I stopped was because one day some friends needed to sleep at my room and I didn't want them to think I was  a looser so I put them in a closet. They never came down. Oh and later I got a black bear but that one only lasted a few months and then went up on my shelf. Now, I know for a fact EVERYONE has a secret. The stuffed animals are part of the whole story because my sister and I still hold about 80% of our toys (the other 15% got given away and the 5% got lost). All our toys are almost intact, in perfect shape. We took such good care of them and got soooooooooooooo many fun days and memories that we refuse to give them away. We don't care about the poor children, we care to give them money to get their own toys so they can make their own memories. But not with our toys. They are our toys, and no one could play with them without our consent then and not now.

I may almost be 20 and I still don't know what will happen to the boxes and boxes of toys. I guess we all hold on to something to give us that scent of our childhood. I cannot relive anything. Not even if I do it twice the same way. I'm only getting older and the saddest part of it all is not the part that I'm aging, its the part that everyone else that was older than me is also aging. All my aunts and uncles, the people I once thought beautiful and young are now old and married and ugly. I only imagine what it will be like when they start to die. Hopefully thought, we won't get to that point in time.

Thank you Columbus...

On a cold morning like today I stopped to think about a lot of things I've been thinking about. One of them is that I have been dared. Yes ladies and jerks. I, Pink Lady, have been told I cannot lose 15 pounds. Well guess what? Now I'm not doing it for my original purpose (which was to impress my crush); I'm now doing it to prove my friend that I can do it! I have until the last day of December. If I win, he gives me 50 bucks, if I don't win, he gets the lovely joy of knowing he was right. At first I was like, "oh yeah 15 pounds, that's easy!" I even said I'd go running every morning for one hour and not feed my body junk. Well, so far I've been putting it off. I still have time! I have lots and lots of time...

Which brings me to my next point: I have yet to prove to myself that I can actually complete a long-term task.

Deciding that I wanted to be a teacher took me about one day. Yeah, I just woke up and decided that I liked school so much that I would spend the rest of my life in it. Literally. So I followed in the steps of my aunt and as soon as I graduated high school, I went to get an education to become a teacher. For all that time, I only changed my mind once, thinking that maybe I could be a cosmetologist because I like make-up so much. Well I was wrong because I don't like to touch people's heads. And I don't like dandruff either. Or baldness...but I'm over baldness a little because typically men lose all their hair by the time they wrinkle to a raisin. I do hope strongly that I don't have to see my husband wrinkle to a raisin. Or my dad.

So that one was easy. But there are a lot of things that I start and never finish...

Here's a list
1.Writing "Where I really Belong"
2. Reading the Bible
3. Reading a whole theocratic book (actully I did read the whole yearbook for the 2012 year but I always start a new book and never finish. And it does not include the books for the book study)
4. Never finished a pillow that was supposed to be for my cousin
5. Didn't move to the French when I turned 18
6. Didn't move out of my house when I turned 18
7. Didn't finish community college in a year
8. I was pulled out of ballet class and now I obsess with ballet without being able to learn to dance it
9. I have unfinished blogs
10. Being a vegetarian didn't work. Only lasted two months...

But that's just some of my big failures in life. I know I can accomplish them, I just can't ever get my head around how to actually get these things done. So I am constantly frustrated with myself. I mean, my room is a mess! But amazingly at work, I have to have everything in place! At school, everything is in perfect order. Everything in my life runs by minutes, seconds. So in my room I just let go. Even then I still have crisis where I just NEED to yell at someone. My bucketlist is on a permanent hold. So how can I have time for people?

Apparently I'm very mean and don't have friends. That may be true but only because I don't intend to be nice to people that don't care about me. That sounds mean already. Well I don't have the energy to trust someone with my kindness...sad face.

I went through my contact list and gave the following labels to make myself feel better
a= acquaintance
f= friend
F= adult friend
bf= best friend
-=pending relationship (only one person has this)
ld= long-distance friend

Maybe what my life needs is a dude...