April Has Trust Issues

Some of you may know that I have a miniature french poodle named April. She thinks she is a cat. Also, I diagnosed her with schizophreni and hates bows but allows us to put sweaters on her when its cold. Yep, that's the doggie I love. She absolutely loves her toys, especially a colorful worm I call Squeeker. Like any other canine, she likes to chew her bone, bark at the doorbell and run around like crazy. Oh and she makes a scary face when she is very happy... which I find very unusual.
April hides under the bed a lot. She does it when she's in trouble, when she's about to get a bath, and mostly when she is scared or angry.

April has trust issues because any stranger that she meets she will run away from. She will fight for her life when anyone tries to even pet her. She won't bite, in fact, I don't think she even knows how to bite and she won't bark. She'll just run away. Well, I was thinking I'm like April. Lately I've found myself in situations when I literally just want to run away. Technically, I did in one certain occasion.

I've done some thinking about nice people and I've decided there are two kinds of nice: cheesy and non-cheesy. The cheese kind are too nice, attach too soon and are mushy and clingy. No one likes those kind of nice. The non-cheesy know when to be nice and when to get real. They are the fruit of the earth and get along with everyone, they are everyone's best friend. 

Then comes the time when big groups gather for an activity. Don't get me wrong, I have always thought the more the merrier. I love going out in big groups! However, put me in a big group of strangers and I shrink. My personality goes into this tiny box. So I sit and listen and make a comment here and there. I smile, and laugh when necessary and in the end, all goes well. I fail at shinning in society... I guess deep down inside I will always and forever be shy.

When I was in kindergarten I had friends. I can't remember how I made those friends. It's weird because I remember crying on my first weeks of school, I rememeber being so nervous I'd throw up, and I remember not talking to anyone. Then there were friends. I'd be friends with everyone in the class but of course I'd have my closer friends. Every year was the same until 8th grade. I can only rember how I started to branch out and it was not in the coolest way.( Stalking some may call it but that's another story.) So I am sitting here wondering how one makes friends. Like, smile and talk? Talk about what? Myself? Them? The weather? The party? I don't know... I guess some people I can talk to really good but in general, I don't know what to say. Ever. Which is funny because I wrote a blog about my friend thinking I always know what to say...

I don't know how to make friends. I'm super shy. Like, run-away-and-hide-shy. Whyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!! Its so frustrating because I really want to know how I made friends with the people that I am friends with! I also want to know how it is that we stayed friends all this time. But I can't interview myself for a social experiment. So in the end I fail.

What's really sad though is when you find out your friends don't really like you afterall... Even worse is that they don't have the nerve to tell you in your face:

"Hey, you're annoying."
"Oh you think so? How come?"
"Oh I don't know...you're just so.... pink"
"OK well thanks for your honesty"

In real life it sounds like this:

"you know so-and-so is so annoying"
"why?"
"Oh I dont know...they are just so...pink"
"oh"

Yeah...people change.

Which is why I hearby want to promise to all my REAL friends that I refuse to be that dishonest person. I hearby promise to tell the truth and nothing but the truth in your face.

In order to get away from everything, I may need to do some adjustments; you can't be nice to everyone you know? I've also decided to branch out, and although I am physically alone, I know I have my family to support me. My real friends too; they are genuinely proud of me.  So I'm in the French congregation now...EEK!!!

Dopamine

I learned this in psych over the summer:

Bipolar people tend to have weird dopamine levels. Dopamine is the hormone our bodies produce that give us that "happy" feeling. Therefore, in order to compensate for the abnormal levels of dopamine in a bipolar person, doctors usally prescribe them dopamine drugs so they are "happy". Dopamine however is addicting. Eventually the doses need to be increased and then you end up being high on this drug that when it wears off, you crash. They become unstable and depressed and even have suicidal thoughts. Bipolar people suffer a lot becase they cannot control their states and periods of time of happiness or sadness. That, simply, just hurts.

 

 

Or something along those lines. That sounds about accurate so I will use dopamine today to respond to What's the meaning of this?  You see reader, there are a lot of ways that people can be forgotten. One of them is not dying. I say this because when someone dies, they cannot be replaced. They obtain the ultimate irreplaceable status. However, anyone CAN be replaced when they turn into a dopamine friendship. This kind of friendship is absolutely the most dangerous one because you cannot discern when things are ok and when they are not. It's like being on a high of happiness and all your senses are blurred and you cannot tell when those friends are actually hurting you more than what they are helping you.

 

 

Take for example what has happened to me lately. For a very long time, I've felt like I didn't belong to a group. I really wanted to be part of something special, I wanted to be in a family of friends like on TV (yeah yeah its cheesy, so what?!) Over the years, I've had many friends, some that I became really close to very fast and later turned into toxic friendships. Those are the kind that hurt you right away like poison. I've also had older friendships that I can count on for anything. Then there are those acquaintance friendships that I only see on a full moon. There are my long-distance frienships, my spiritual friendships and my party friendships. However, I still felt like a stranger. They say that if you can count one friend in one hand, you're lucky. I didn't think this to make sense until recently when I realized that friendship is not about hanging out and having fun. Its not about talking or knowing about someone's past. Friendship is about never giving up one someone's imperfections.

 

Dopamine friendships are different on a different scale.

 

When I was little I thought I would stay friends forever with my school friends. Turns out that all I have from them is a picture and some fun memories. I don't have any childhood friends. I only have friends that date back to my high school years and one friend that dates back to my junior high years. What that tells me is that if my friendships are not stable NOW,  I won't be friends with them in four or five years.

 

Honestly I think that is what is going to happen with my dopamine friendships. I can just see it all blow over in a couple of years. Right now it all seems so good and happy and perfectly fun. Yeah, well that is until all the lies started to sprout like weeds on a very pretty garden. Its all full of beautiful flowers all over and at first you can't see the weeds, all you can focus on are the flowers. However, if you look closely, you will see the weeds growing. Weeds grow fast and if they are not pulled by the root, they keep growing.

 

Just beause I feel happy right now, just because I feel part of something special, of a group, that doesnt' mean anything. All tha means is that for now, I have people to lean on when I want to hang out. But what do they know of me? What do they know about my difficult attitude? I mean my personallity is they kind that you either like or hate. There is no in between. And let's not even begin on my multiple crushes all at the same time. Or how about my dirty past? Everyone has a dirty past, but will they take me for my mistakes? I'm on a dopamine friendship high right now, but what about when I crash. When the dopamine stops coming into my body, will I be depressed, just like real dopamine?

 

 

I don't want dopamine friendships. I just want real friends. Not like the friends in the Young People Ask video. I mean, those are nice, but they are somewhat superficial. My mom is always telling me to expand my group of friends. Then she tells me not to trust people. Well...that is a very big conflict and I'm like, " how the heck to I make friends???" I can't remember how it happened with some of my recent real friends. I just know that one day I woke up, I was at the right place at the right time and then it just happened. It was like finding money in your jeans out of nowhere.  Well...I'm here to stay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm liking this video tagging thing on my blog :) All rights to the author(s)!!! No copyright intended.