And the Walls Come Crashing Down

It finally happened.

When I was a senior in high school I liked this guy. Seriously one of the dumbest feelings in the world was to like a guy who did not believe the things I valued the most. Its not like he was a bad person, but in the end he was an outsider and that made things awkward. I didn't mean to start liking him, especially because I knew he was an outsider; actually, I wanted to match him with my friend. You see, she had never had a boyfriend before and we were about to graduate. I figured if I got to know him I would eventually find a perfect way to set them up. The only problem was that I did not know he had a girlfried. When I finally figured it out it was because the girl's friend went up to her to tell her that hey boyfriend was cheating on her with me. Me. I'm always getting into stuff because people don't stop to ask me anything. You see, the girl sat with us at lunch and heard me saying I was going to hook him up. She thought I meant me then went and told the girlfriend who then ran in the classroom and cried for the entire calculus lesson. At that point I stepped back realizing how much drama I had unintentionally created. A few days later they broke up and I was the go-to person for that boy. A few days later he got back with the girl. A few after they broke up again. For the time being I had started to speak to the guy in a more personal level. My friend being as uninterested as she was, left me talking to the guy. I mean, I really wanted to talk to him. That was it for a while, then he got a new girlfriend. By then I was already very confused. I was his go-to friend with all his girl drama. He wanted me to make him forget. I could do that. In fact, I did it very well. We could text all day and literally I would just sit there and wait for him to text me. He always did. I didn't feel special, I felt like just part of the bunch. I knew in my head that it would never happen to me, that it SHOULDN'T happen. He was an outsider. After he broke up with his new second girlfriend, he went back to the first. I was getting used to his game until he finally decided he didn't wan to play it anymore and dumped both the girl and the idea of a relationship. After all, he had me. I would do anything to get this boy to talk to me, to look at me. I never had the need to do that. At that point, I just chose to do that. I wanted to get to know him, all his good and bad habits, his dreams and aspirations, his hates and obsessions. So one day I tried calling him. We had a very awkward conversation. How could it be that in person and in text we could talk but not over a phone call... I figured I had no chance. I should just accept the idea that I was forever friendzoned. Until one day he said he liked me. I was frozen. I even remember that I was at McDonalds with one of my adopted cousins and my mom. We took the kid to the playground and I was supposed to be watching him Instead, I was having a panic attack because an outsider liked me and I liked him. I absolutely dreaded that monday to go in to school and see him. How was I supposed to act? What were we? What was I supposed to say!!! After first period I crossed him on my way to French class and had the biggest heart attack. He waved. I waved. We kept going. Didn't even stop to say hi. By fifth period I knew I would see him again so I delayed myself on purpose trying to avoid him. One day I came in late to school because I was getting some labwork done and when I walked in everyone was taking a test. He texted me after school asking me why I had to come in late looking all cute trying to get his attention...Again, major hear attack. Turns out that after several weeks of nothing, he went back to his first girlfriend. I realized then that I was not special to him. I was just the girl he went to when he had drama and wanted an exit from reality. Realizing this was not nearly as painful because we never were anything. He was simply an infatuation. I was his tissue... Two years later, after we had graduated and proceeded into our adult lives, he contacted me. He wanted to get in touch because he wanted me to give him a second chance. He said that the only thing he remembers from that time period was being happy because of me. He said I was the only one that could make him happy then. He asked me out on a date which I turned down. I mean, I grew up, I changed. You can't expect someone to hold on to feelings forever. It took me a whole week to get him to realize I was not what he wanted and eventually broke his heart. He didn't break mine in high school but I have left over feelings of being used by him. He used me to make himself feel better and at that point it was ok with me. I'm a conformist. I can conform with a lot of simple things. In high school I was afraid to have a relationship with an outsider. Now, I am afraid to have a realationship at all. But these things happen to make us realize we are human. Even writing about this makes me feel so stupid. Lamest story ever but it happened!

The one thing I have been avoiding for three years finally happened.

I literally feel broken in two. Not half, two.

One part of me tells me its the stupidest feeling in the world.
The other part tells me its ok. It tells me I am ready.

However, to my misfortune, I think I might have shut down and now its too late. I pushed someone away afraid that I might not be good enough once they got to know me. Well now I feel like in high school. I have all these mixed emotions. I have all these unsolved feelings. All I know is that this is not what I wanted. I have been a master of avoiding and blocking feelings out of my head and my heart because I want to concentrate on two things: French and College. Those two things are my priorites. No matter how much I tell myself that, part of me says its ok to feel the way I feel. One thing is for sure. Confirmed. Absolutely aknowledged. I got butterflies. Finally. After three years, I got those stupid butterflies. In all the time tha has passed since my last what-ever-you-want-to-call-it, I had not felt those freaking bugs on my stomach. Well if finally happened but I think I might have missed my shot. I think I screwed things up for myself the way I always do. The only thing left for me to do is to wait and conform. Meanwhile, I know I'm going to be losing a lot of sleep.

Too Good for Everyone or Not Good Enough for Anyone?

LET IT BE NOTED THIS IS MY 100TH BLOG

It is yet again another lazy morning in my very prolonged break from school. Taking off a semester helped my realize two things

1. I need a better job

2. I am not a stay-at-home person

Not only was I depressed in the month of April, I was also desperate to figure out a really good topic to write in my 100th blog. I mean its an important achievement to my eyes because I've been at this blogging business for years now and after about one blog per month I have finally reached the 100th. There are however a few things I have accomplished in the time being

1. Got accepted to UHV

2. Improved my French

3. Made new and better friends

4. Realized I don't want to date until I am 25

5. Researched my ovary problem and found an excellent amount of information

6. Applied for Financial Aid

7. Saw a shooting star

8. Stood up for my rights at my current job

9. Got a new job that does things according to the law

10. I am writing my 100th blog

With all that being said and done, how come I titled my blog 'Too Good for Everyone or Not Good Enough for Anyone?' Well let me just say that I have been thinking a lot since January of this year. It happened while we were still in winter break and I had yet again, nothing to do. I was told I nagged a lot in this blog and that I should try to make this special blog funny or happy. Well if I wanted to be funny I would be a comedian so instead I am sitting here listening to Chris Martin trying so hard to make this a 'happy blog.' As far as it goes, to me it was a happy realization so to me this is a happy blog. Forgive me if I cannot please all the readers out there. 

Anyways, so in January I accompanied one of my friends to get a medical procedure done, you know just for moral support and because she was so happy with anesthesia that she said a few unmentionable things. I have often thought that if I were in a hospital, who would I like to see. I don't really believe in everyone coming to see me because I tend to think people are being morbid and just want to see me out of curiosity. Hopefully my friend thought that we were there because we wanted to support her and not because we were being nosy. A few days later my parents celebrated their 30th anniversary so my sister, some friends and I decided it would be nice to throw them a party. Like all parties, things backstage went so bad but in stage things seemed ok. As for the people that showed up I consider them true friends because they supported our ridiculous idea and lack of good music. Turns out that as we were taking pictures someone decided to yell out 'sloth face'. Basically that is a perverted and stalkerish look. Of course its an inside joke so some people in the picture looked confused because they did not know what in the world a sloth face looks like. That was  exactly what got me into thinking until finally yesterday when I reached my conclusion and decided to write about it.

Too many times I have written about friends and friendships. I guess its my topic of interest; unlike when I was in high school and my topic of interest was dating. I wish I could have realized this before I assumed that I was part of something special, a group.  (This is the point in the blog that I get nervous and start to write around the subject so that people won't hate me...)

When I was in the 9th grade I met some very incredible people. Some of those people I am still friends with until today and I consider them my absolute friends because they put up with me in my crazy days...which is like everyday. I've admitted before to having a very difficult personality and it seems to me that the older I get the harder it is to tame me. I even told one of my friends that I would marry the man who could tame me and keep me ignorant of the taming. Well, in the 9th grade I was very young and dumb and naive. Everything was new to me. Like I puppy, I wasn't afraid of anything and I was open-minded and open-hearted. MY MISTAKE! If I had been a little more cautious I would have saved myself from a lot of heartache but alas, that is how I learn. Until this day I think I've struggled to literally keep people in my circle of friendships. It seems to me like everyone is on temporary stay. After a while I stop to actually look at people and start finding human error. MY MISTAKE! That is, until they do something to really annoy me and I just kinda slip away before they leave me hanging on a loop. I guess I expect too much of people because I am willing to do THAT MUCH for them too. That being said, I rarely give anyone the benefit of the doubt. MY MISTAKE!

The day I realized that I was being pulled into a group too exclusive for anyone, I put my foot down. Between pandas and bears, butterflies and princesses; between teasing and crushing; between lies and forgiveness, between sloths and twerking, I realized how sad and alone I felt being surrounded by this happy-go-lucky group. WHYYYYY!!!!! Why can't I just overlook everything and pretend! MY MISTAKE!

Six months ago I moved to the French congregation looking for something better. It took me about three months to integrate and finally I feel happy. I don't feel alone or like the new girl. I feel comfortable making mistakes and joking around. I feel useful and needed. I literally could not be happier with this decision. Of course in order to be part of a whole you must become the whole, so I decided I needed to go to more events with them so I went to the assembly. Boy was I in for a big loner break! I was surrounded by all these people who believe everything I believe in, all those loving people but I couldn't find anyone to sit with (all seats were taken). I started to panic and almost to cry. I was about to leave when I found a seat and decided to not move. I found my twin for lunch, ate with her and at the end I found myself alone again. AGAIN. As I was about to leave I got a text from my friend saying they were all upstairs cleaning so I ran upstairs and found everyone! Then we went to eat and I was super duper happy. Next week I had to go to the Spanish assembly and even though I was with a lot of my friends, again I felt alone. All these people I hang out with and talk to...and I just could not make myself fit. Its an invisible exclusivity. That made me think of January with the sloth face joke. So I finally realized when a group is too tight, there is no room for anyone else to fit in. Being physically alone and emotionally alone are different. In one you find yourself surrounded by strangers and in the other you find yourself surrounded with people you don't connect with. My saddest realization was that maybe I was being too tight myself. I want to have a lot of friends, but I want to know that the people I chose to be friends with are not too tight.

My conclusion is to be myself but be the best of me I can be. I am human error in the flesh and it is MY MISTAKE if I chose to change who I am when I am with one group or another. I strongly believe in personality and I cannot lower my standards for anyone. After all, we are Christians and there is no room for exceptions to the rules.