It finally happened.
When I was a senior in high school I liked this guy. Seriously one of the dumbest feelings in the world was to like a guy who did not believe the things I valued the most. Its not like he was a bad person, but in the end he was an outsider and that made things awkward. I didn't mean to start liking him, especially because I knew he was an outsider; actually, I wanted to match him with my friend. You see, she had never had a boyfriend before and we were about to graduate. I figured if I got to know him I would eventually find a perfect way to set them up. The only problem was that I did not know he had a girlfried. When I finally figured it out it was because the girl's friend went up to her to tell her that hey boyfriend was cheating on her with me. Me. I'm always getting into stuff because people don't stop to ask me anything. You see, the girl sat with us at lunch and heard me saying I was going to hook him up. She thought I meant me then went and told the girlfriend who then ran in the classroom and cried for the entire calculus lesson. At that point I stepped back realizing how much drama I had unintentionally created. A few days later they broke up and I was the go-to person for that boy. A few days later he got back with the girl. A few after they broke up again. For the time being I had started to speak to the guy in a more personal level. My friend being as uninterested as she was, left me talking to the guy. I mean, I really wanted to talk to him. That was it for a while, then he got a new girlfriend. By then I was already very confused. I was his go-to friend with all his girl drama. He wanted me to make him forget. I could do that. In fact, I did it very well. We could text all day and literally I would just sit there and wait for him to text me. He always did. I didn't feel special, I felt like just part of the bunch. I knew in my head that it would never happen to me, that it SHOULDN'T happen. He was an outsider. After he broke up with his new second girlfriend, he went back to the first. I was getting used to his game until he finally decided he didn't wan to play it anymore and dumped both the girl and the idea of a relationship. After all, he had me. I would do anything to get this boy to talk to me, to look at me. I never had the need to do that. At that point, I just chose to do that. I wanted to get to know him, all his good and bad habits, his dreams and aspirations, his hates and obsessions. So one day I tried calling him. We had a very awkward conversation. How could it be that in person and in text we could talk but not over a phone call... I figured I had no chance. I should just accept the idea that I was forever friendzoned. Until one day he said he liked me. I was frozen. I even remember that I was at McDonalds with one of my adopted cousins and my mom. We took the kid to the playground and I was supposed to be watching him Instead, I was having a panic attack because an outsider liked me and I liked him. I absolutely dreaded that monday to go in to school and see him. How was I supposed to act? What were we? What was I supposed to say!!! After first period I crossed him on my way to French class and had the biggest heart attack. He waved. I waved. We kept going. Didn't even stop to say hi. By fifth period I knew I would see him again so I delayed myself on purpose trying to avoid him. One day I came in late to school because I was getting some labwork done and when I walked in everyone was taking a test. He texted me after school asking me why I had to come in late looking all cute trying to get his attention...Again, major hear attack. Turns out that after several weeks of nothing, he went back to his first girlfriend. I realized then that I was not special to him. I was just the girl he went to when he had drama and wanted an exit from reality. Realizing this was not nearly as painful because we never were anything. He was simply an infatuation. I was his tissue... Two years later, after we had graduated and proceeded into our adult lives, he contacted me. He wanted to get in touch because he wanted me to give him a second chance. He said that the only thing he remembers from that time period was being happy because of me. He said I was the only one that could make him happy then. He asked me out on a date which I turned down. I mean, I grew up, I changed. You can't expect someone to hold on to feelings forever. It took me a whole week to get him to realize I was not what he wanted and eventually broke his heart. He didn't break mine in high school but I have left over feelings of being used by him. He used me to make himself feel better and at that point it was ok with me. I'm a conformist. I can conform with a lot of simple things. In high school I was afraid to have a relationship with an outsider. Now, I am afraid to have a realationship at all. But these things happen to make us realize we are human. Even writing about this makes me feel so stupid. Lamest story ever but it happened!
The one thing I have been avoiding for three years finally happened.
I literally feel broken in two. Not half, two.
One part of me tells me its the stupidest feeling in the world.
The other part tells me its ok. It tells me I am ready.
However, to my misfortune, I think I might have shut down and now its too late. I pushed someone away afraid that I might not be good enough once they got to know me. Well now I feel like in high school. I have all these mixed emotions. I have all these unsolved feelings. All I know is that this is not what I wanted. I have been a master of avoiding and blocking feelings out of my head and my heart because I want to concentrate on two things: French and College. Those two things are my priorites. No matter how much I tell myself that, part of me says its ok to feel the way I feel. One thing is for sure. Confirmed. Absolutely aknowledged. I got butterflies. Finally. After three years, I got those stupid butterflies. In all the time tha has passed since my last what-ever-you-want-to-call-it, I had not felt those freaking bugs on my stomach. Well if finally happened but I think I might have missed my shot. I think I screwed things up for myself the way I always do. The only thing left for me to do is to wait and conform. Meanwhile, I know I'm going to be losing a lot of sleep.
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