About Cooking

I'm sick. I'm not super sick but it's bad enough to keep me home. Oh well, I had fun yesterday. Actually it's been a pretty good month for me. It hasn't been super dandy but I would give it an 8 (actually, there is a specific day that I would definitely rate as 10+++++). Hopefully if things go as planned my December '09 will be a 10 month.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone else reads this. I used to have more readers and I think I'm going to do what I used to do when I had a lot of readers. Maybe I can get some ratings again. Well, actually I blog because I know eventually if I die, all my thoughts will be recorded somewhere and I will be remembered somehow. This morning I couldn't breath. I was like...OMG I am going to die. Then I realized that I had been wanting to write about this one specific thing and I said...NO wait I can't die yet. I have to write About Cooking ( I don't write anything that I haven't titled before)

My head hurts...

Oh and also I still need 5 hours to complete my pioneering and I have like... 2 days left? So I can RIP after that too. Other wise I will be in debt.

Oh Man! I ran out of tea...

Ok so About Cooking. This is not the typical blog because actually there will soon be more understanding to my blogs and I am not so sure how I feel about that. Sometimes I would like to keep things MORE secret. But then again...I don't have any secrets. They hurt me and eventually other people so I try not to have them. (right special friend? wink wink)

A few days ago when the city died because it was Christmas, we were stuck at home watching *achoo* watching movies. One of the movies was Julia & Julie. Ladies, if you have not seen this movie but you don't like cooking and writing then I suggest you don't watch it. You will not like it. Guys...don't watch it either. Its one of those movies that is only good for a certain group of people and only that certain group can relate to it. I do.

A while ago I was thinking what married life would be like. Yea Yeah. I know. I am still 16 (soon oh so very soon 17!!!) and therefore I should not be thinking that; BUT I have been planning my adult life since I could speak. And that happened when I was one because I was a smart baby.

So at the age of literally one, I was planning what I wanted to be and who I wanted to marry and where I would live and what kind of kids I would have and how I would raise them and all that corny stuff girls think about at SOME point.

I didn't really understand this concept until I started to be around newlyweds, which totally changed my conception of things. Besides the fact that I have changed with time and I think I have reached a point where I'm comfortable. I still think about the corny stuff but I also think about the realis *sniff grunt sniff*
I think about the realism of the situation. MY mother says that the first year of marriage is the hardest because you are trying to get used to each other and some PEOPLE say that marriage life is only happiness, depending on the couple, for up to five years.

So I wonder how couples make it to 25...

I like cooking a lot and I could do so many great things if I had the budget and if I didn't have a little bee next to me telling me that I'm doing things wrong (WHICH IM NOT!- just to clarify) and then eventually taking over and messing things up big time...*sniff*

I also like writing. I have big plans to improve it and also to master description and such other things but according to some experts I am good. (not intending to brag...)

My life just seems to be in a more Witness way like Julia & Julie.

Update on Age

I used to not pop my fingers and just before I started typing this I did. Nine out of ten of my fingers made that killer sound that I try to avoid convinced that it will deform my knuckles. The tips of my fingers are icy cold but I mean it is winter so I can't expect less and much even worse is the fact that I have to go pee and I just won't because if I lift my booty from this chair, Ilse, will get her booty off the bed in which she is texting and replace my booty with her booty on this chair. I have marks of stress coming out due to the fact that we just had our finals this week and to be honest, I disagree with the world. Junior year is not the hardest year of High School. So far, I've been taking it easy and it has worked, even through my procrastination habits.

I don't know. I mean I do but I don't. I haven't written anything here that is not a poem or a vision of my dreams. More like I've focused on other things, people and situations and I am trying to figure out the way I feel about them and I just never seem to get to the bottom of the well.

It just keeps getting deeper.

A classmate was telling me of her misfortune with guys and her parents and we came to the conclusion that we, as teens, will never come to an agreement with out parents because we don't have kids.

On the radio, this man, the radio man, read something worth meditation. He was talking about age and the way people actually functioned rather than the way we think we function.

• Kids don't learn to be kids until after they have been kids, teens dont ever learn to understand themselves until after they have been teens, parents never learn to be parents until they have aged and the elderly don't learn to live until they have already lived through the worse.

I happen to agree.

There seems to be another complexion on certain events as well. As some of you readers have noticed, I do happen to have certain trust issues. Not like I don't trust people, more like I trust the wrong people therefore choosing not to trust anyone at all. Its not personal. Its a girl thing.

Its not that I don't like being a girl, because I do, Its what comes with being a 16-year old girl that I hate. And I am not talking about That.

Ok. I have to take this call.

Paradise in Your Eyes

• I lay in your arms asleep. You find your way into my dreams and holding my hand you lead the way. You take me thorough a path of petals as the sun sets on our backs and the moonlight begins to embrace us. The stars come out to play and tickle us with their twinkle. The warmth of the night is captured in your eyes, glistening with joy. There is a breeze that dances with the lake and the obscurity of time is faded yet you remain. The sweet essence around you wraps me into a golden feeling. A precious emotion that only you can draw inside of me, so valuable and rare. A new me was revived and of a heavy shadow you drew me out to this marvelous land. This is my paradise. The whisper of the trees carry the story of our future. The clouds in the sky take away all our sorrows. In the depths of my heart, I feel this environment bringing you closer. It is the assurance of morning as well and the coming of night that preserve our love. It's incomplete without the other. The beauty of each draws them together. I wake to see you staring at me. There is that smile that you give me and those eyes that assure me your love. You kiss my forehead as you hold on to me forever giving completion to my life.

Dancing in the Sky...

It was just a thought. One that I kept in my head. I looked up at the moon and absorbed your presence. When I saw the stars, I looked at the shimmer in your eyes that speak those words that only you and I know.

Then you asked me why

Well why not? It's you.

It is because you weren't afraid.
Because you make me laugh.
Because you wipe my tears.
Because you hold my hand when I'm afraid.
Because you never lie.
Because you gave me your friendship.
Because you trust me.
Because you teach me.
Because you advice me.
Because you care for me.
Because you make me reason.
Because you care for me.
Because you didn't let me go.
Because you want to be with me.
Because you're not easily tempered.
Because you are smart.
Because you make wise choices.
Because you enjoy life.
Because you are not judgmental.
Because you are not embarrassed.
Because I can look up to you.
Because you're ready to help.
Because you have disposition.
Because you defend the truth.
Because you're careful not to mess up.
Because you learn from your mistakes.
Because you give respect.
Because you are humble.
Because you are kind.
Because you are patient and give me your time.
Because you try to understand.
Because you try your best.
Because you lead the way.
Because you are sweet.
Because you embrace your surroundings.
Because you know when is the right time.
Because you let me keep up.
Because you decided to wait at all costs.
Because you love me unconditionally...

Meaning no matter what..
Meaning all the time...

Because you let me love you.





NOVEMBER 2ND, 2009

BY: Pink Lady

Please Come Home

Sometimes, as I lay in bed waiting, I think. I'm not afraid to write this because no one will read it and bother to comment. I blog hoping someone will read it and care; but bloggers don't get that a lot because everything here is really an inside view on circumstances. The path that I stand in is not easy. I could simply not care and keep waiting. That's what we all do in general. We wait. We can wait a whole lifetime but things will keep changing. People change, ideas change, situations change, and feelings change. When it seems like the wait is over, something new will arise.

I wait.

• I wait every night gripping to my last piece of hope. That's the one thing I haven't lost.

I don't lose hope because I care. I care because there is hope. I think about a hundred ways things could be different. How in a way I am happy but could be happier. How going far away and starting over could be ideal.

• I hate idealistic people simply because they are part of a world consisting of unreal things.

I really wish we could see things differently. Be more lenient not so focused. There are things that by nature are more important. Things and people and situations that matter far more than others. Sad to think though that not all are easily granted. I want to think its for the best. I want to accept is as a protection. I want to see it as fear of losing. I want to believe it is an avoidance for criticism. But these things I don't care for, I despise them as much as I can possibly bear in my wits.

I don't think I'm meant to be governed by individuals who don't share my insight look on reality. Their minds are solely based on criticism and a lifestyle not lived. It is a lot harder because I know that being me is something I plainly don't wish anyone to be. It's dramatic. Dramatic hurts. The different angles you see are just reflections of bad decisions which I know I won't take. I'm not a child for sure. I'm independent.

Period.

Think of me as a bunch of just talk no action and you will find yourself in a big dilemma. Say what you want I know who I am. Sad to say that there is always someone worse than us. I could be dying or even worse, I could be in the world. Well I was already in the world. I know the lifestyle, the customs and beliefs. I see it everyday. I live in it and I know I'm not that bad but until the forty one million two hundred ninety nine thousand two hundred seconds of waiting are over, I promise to not rest in peace. I'll just wait. Hope and believe that it will come and when it does, I'll be free and happy forever.

The Irony of Circumstances

Day 512

It’s funny how things just happen. Take for instance my job. The dilemma of quitting came to a resolution after I was scheduled to work on Sunday. That was the end for my H-E-B career. Funny thing is that I didn’t want to quit because I like my job but my Mat 5:3 was screaming inside that if working on Sunday was a must then I had to leave because that was the right thing to do. Soon I’ll be broke, I’ll miss my job and I’ll want to go back.

Time goes by fast. That was discussed three days ago with Hunt.

Thinking about the age I’m in…

She recalled how one of the teacher’s daughters got married this past weekend and she happened to be 26. Well, 10 years ago, that girl walked into Hunt’s class to learn history. Then she mentioned how the first graduating class of out school was in its junior year in college.

So then I got into my silly thinking about life.

What was I doing ten years ago? Ten years ago I was starting first grade. I literally remember my first day of elementary so clearly… as if it ware yesterday.
What about ten years form now? Where could I be? I could be married. I could have kids. I could be living in some distant corner of the universe. Who knows…?

And then there are the misfortunate events that happen out of nowhere. Like everyone is living their own life doing something different until you bump into them. Then it’s like you join lives or more like you join paths. Lives joined where at some points you wish you would have missed a bus or turned the other way or stayed where you were at or not turned your head or not looked up or missed that phone call. But your life stopped and started and you can’t regret it because you love it.

I think that’s part of growing up; realizing who was worth meeting and keeping and who needs to be let go of. People that you don’t want to let go are the most painful ones to go through and if you endure the wait, you don’t let go. We keep them even if it means to wait.

It’s like when we are babies and our moms put us in a corral. I remember my corral. I liked it a lot too. It was blue and simple and yet it made me happy because I had fun in that little secluded area. So then my mom would leave Ilse and me in there to play while she went about to do her thing but we knew she was there and that she
would come back.

Well at 16 I’m stuck being the mom in a symbolic way. When I come back to get what I left in the corral I will get it for sure. It’s not a matter of question; it’s a matter of fact because 10 years from now, it’s going to be my way.

Fotografia

SEE...THIS HAPPENED ON SUNDAY!!!

Today I decided that I wasn't sit around while my parents rested. Today was my day off and I wanted to do something but it just seems like Sundays are the kind of days where everyone either has plans or is in a couch potato mood. That is a huge problem about living in the suburbs in a city that sounds amazing on TV and the magazines but in reality, we are the kind of city that Hollywood won't even think about thinking for a next big sucky movie.

Well it just so happens that my mom made it her job to make some things unreachable but my mind works where in those situations, I want to have the unreachable.

Our pictures are in that kind of setting...
They happen to be in a box in a closet with a bunch of crap on top...!!!
Then I regretted going through all that trouble to get my hands on those albums...
There is absolutely no stage of my life, no person or place that I don't remember.

The funny thing is to believe that that girl was me at some point...Like, "OMG, I looked like that!" or "I remember that" and even "Oh yeah, that's her, I know him!"

And I don't believe it...

The worse part was when I bumped into pictures of people who are physically and emotionally absent in my life.

At that split second, when the moment was captured, everyone in that picture was physically there. At that moment, the situation was real. I was there and I remember every detail but it just doesn't feel real. NONE OF IT!!! I feel as if the present me is the only kind of me that ever existed.

I was there...




I WAS THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




I lived that, I felt that, I said that, I did that, and I know it for a fact, I really do!

Everything is that captured moment is real and the people and the things and the place. EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!

Then I realized how limited my mind is to present reality.

Topping it off with the fact that I've gone through some major changes physically and emotionally...

Reason why I'm writing this...

Even the songs of the past carry these thoughts that set me down at my childhood. They are part of my past reality.

That is a picture, a past reality that becomes unreal because no matter how hard you try to relive that moment...the longer you stare, the more unreal it will become.



A fake memory that is reality...

Relief

I'm kinda mad at this machine because it keeps acting up... I think it needs a major checkup...

Well today was a good day at service and well just like always it could have been easier but I won't complain.

I think that the best part of today was that I was with a very dear sister and her daughters. I really like them a lot, and just like everyone they all have their slight flaws and whatever but that is not the real reason why I am so happy.

I mean like everyday you find out so many bad things due to our imperfections but in the end it was her words that really made me see things a little bit different. I had already talked to my parents about a recent situation that was making me very unhappy, and even though I can be hard to convince I found a peaceful state of mind in which I could simply just ignore the facts and keep going without wasting my breath.

She just simply made things better.

And she is very right. No matter what everyone says its them killing themselves, not me. So like she said, "Que se maten a pedos". Tough words and nasty too but its the truth.

My life just couldn't get better!

Its a hard time to love
reaching fear
where i dream freadom
i must be silent once more
my words are missing
where everyone speaks
i may be young
yet im not just half
of a plain feeling
im not echo but sound
just a period in the way
what you were once

see me, feel me
i am a reality
not a reflection
and wat i feel is not bad
im just a matter of time
see me, feel me
i am not a dream
im not a mirror
hear me, i am my own extension
im just a matter of time
its a hard time to love
if you make me, i’ll lie
i dont want to hurt you
i must be silent once more
just toughts
because its not time to speak
i may be young
yet im not just half
of a plain feeling
im not echo but sound
just a period in the way
what you were once
feel me, see me
i am a reality
not a reflection

...and wat i feel is not bad...

To the World

This has been the best week of my life!!!!!!!!!!

Its like one day the thought that my fears could change came true and now I live in my head fully inside out waiting.

That is all that is left to do...

Wait.

It is such a simple word but I am not alone in this one. No sir, I am not alone! The voice inside my head is speaking and its telling me not to let go because the smallest mistake can lead me to the one choice that I don't want to make.

And the best part was that I'm not so sure how it happened but it did...and I would like to know how because its driving me crazy trying to figure out how in the world it happened...

Like I said, it just sorta happened without notice.

I wish I could just scream it to the world but I can't...

This is all I have left, my writing and the voice in my head...

Sigh.......................

I'll never leave...and that is a promise to you!

NIneteen Minutes

I just finished reading Nineteen Minutes...

Let me tell you about it!

Nineteen Minutes is a story by Jodi Picoult and takes place in the year 2007. There, you know the important stuff.

Now the real deal...the effect

When I started reading this book I knew it was about a crime and it didn't make any sense whatsoever. I thought it was just going to be one of those loooong books that never end and have a happy ending. I was so wrong.

Now I can't go to school without thinking that I might get shot by a student that get bullied all the time since kindergarten.

I want to know what I would have done in the shoes of the main characters...

And in the end...

The guy who committed the crime also commits suicide. And all because this stupid girl chose to want to be popular!

I love this book and I totally recommend it!

An Update on 3 Things

I got like 3 things in my mind right this second. One being about old people. Another being about women...again, and the last being about fiction.

They all seem to tangle into each other and I keep trying to separate them and I can't. These three ideas have been invading my sleep and therefore I have to walk around like a retarded happy zombie in service and what not.

The slight addition to the family is still on its way to adaption and we think its not gonna last longer than a year or at least we hope so.
What else??? Oh yea! Benjamin Button. I could write a review on that movie but I don't feel like it because I'm too lazy. Here, I give it two thumbs up and four gold stars plus the Oscar for best movie of the month.
That movie has been installing a new fear into my brain as some of you have already been confirmed: the possibility to die without remembering my past and not being able to...well has to do with love but I can't word it out correctly.

Well let's get this over with for once and for ever so I can sleep.

• old people...

I have had the great honor, to have met some of the most amazing old people!.

That's not all about old people. I have seemed to have observe them lately. Its not like I mean it, its just that I can't help noticing that they are old.

Time cought up to them in a millisecond and they have to adapt...without getting depressed...and they still do because they don't like change

But I happen to notice how in these modern times old people don't care. They sleep all the time and they have clumsy habits that of course come with age...and they stop dressing nice...

That really bothers me...

Why stop dressing nice? I don't get it! Its like also, when they hurt themselves, they let the nasty scar appear and they just don't care! I wonder what goes through their minds... could it be that they feel that the fashion industry is just nuts and can't keep up? That they stopped making the clothes they wore? I've seen movies of old people in more revolutionary times and they look clean and they dress nice. Well when I grow old...IF I GROW OLD, I'm gonna dress nice!

• women...grrr

This is my mom's fault and I know it for a fact! I discovered that we are soul mates! IDENTICAL!!!

On women, by now, most of you will have noticed that I limit my relationship with women not because I;m a flirt or boy-crazy but because, I have decided that they are unreliably and backstabbing. Those who have made it and are women are rare if i say so myself because lately I'm complicated to get along with. I'm strange...

There seems to be a road in which all my friendships follow. Its all good at the beginning and I like the person. We talk a lot and hang out and its like they are the best thing around. Then there is like a roadblock in that path and that roadblock is not a nice one. Its an abrupt stop of annoyance. I hate this about me because if people don't get past my annoyance point, then the relationship stops...if they go through it, the friendship grows... AND LATELY NO GIRL HAS GONE THROUGH THAT SPOT!

The truth is that I miss having a best best best best friend. One that I can go up to and do retarded stuff with, one that I can cry my heart out with, one that gives me advice, one that slaps me to my senses, one that shares my likes and dislikes, one that can keep a secret and one who loves Jehovah as much as I do...

• fiction *sigh*
  

Life can be like a fiction story. Its not real but it feels real. The worst part is that in a teenager's life, fitting in is what life will be about and my character likes to fit in but in its own unique way and the line that separates uniqueness and weird is so thin that its almost not even there...

I have the feeling that my character is not doing the amazing things that it could and I hate that. I want to do so much and I just never do. When I was writing my story back in the 8th grade, I stopped because I had to experience some things before I put them on paper and they were good things actually. And now if dont know if I should finish or just leave it...and so on and so forth with like a thousand other things...

It also bugs me when people want the character to do something and the character doesn't do it so the person dislikes the story and hates the character and closes the book.

Fiction is complicated but I want to play it real. Be me, stay me.

Because after all my story has to be about me not me being something I'm not.

Right?

In Response to: "Super Duper Nice People"

I just saw a movie that I know for a fact that most of you have seen before.

Well as the tittle says, this is a response to monkey's post and I only write this because my dear friend has a complicated time explaining things.

I'll go straight to the point.

There are two types of mean people:

• Mean people who do evil things
  
• Mean people who see evil things being done and do absolutely nothing about it

See, the whole boa constrictor deal is applied to only mean people.

We do things because it is in our nature but we also have the choice to do things. The things we do that are in our nature are things that we cannot help doing that most of the time end up hurting those who we don't want to hurt the most.


The fake boa deal is only ok because that is the kind of thing that we do because we have the choice to do those things. It is only then that the little critter can decide to risk it or run for it. It is within our instinct and experience that we make the choice.

So in conclusion, this is mostly about being nice or mean right?

Well there is no nice or mean, just people who make choices within their nature or instinct.

The Fear

You know how sometimes, you open your e-mail and you see a survey that all, or most of your contacts have filled out? Well for some reason, I've seen some questions repeated more than once. One specifically I have answered with the same word: solitude.

I've never really given thought to the matter much. In fact, I think solitude is not for man-kind, otherwise Eve would not have been created.

Well I think I've thought about the meaning of solitude enough unconciously and now I can truly say I am indeed afraid of being alone.

Alone...

As in by myself...

Nobody else...

Like in a dark room...

And yet again being alone is good in a way every once in a while. I have what I like to call me-time every once in a while (most of the time this is misunderstood as me being in some sort of depression which I'm not). There are times when I want to be alone, when its just me and the voice in my head (no psyco!). This is the time when I go into writing mode. I love this side of me because I use writing as a shield to my own emotions. Its as if my thoughts and ideas just ran down my hand and spilled out on the paper and they just stay there locked.

Well there is another side of solityde. I say this using my ddad's words only because they are true:

• "Women like to be independent, they are naturally more independent than men, but, women always look for dependence on men as if they liked to be tied down!"

Women...who understands us...?

I'm afraid of being 30 and not being married. Period. I'm just petrified by the thought of not being correspinded and dying in my home with 20 cats. I want to be independednt yet I seek that dependence on a man...

I feel like what the heck...

In fact I feel pathetic...

I hate to admit that women are weird...

I fall into that sterotype...

UGH!!!

Update

To all my readers:

There seemed to be a problem with my other blog (imsototallypink.blogspot.com) with the comment section.
After reviewing the options, and all kinds of attempts to fix this problem, the board of trustees decided to start a new blog.

To review the previous entries u may visit imsototallypink.blogspot.com but u won't be able to comment anything. Any new posts will be set up here. You will be able to enjoy the same stuff but with a different link to it : innerlooktothesmile.blogspot.com.

I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused!

-Vale