I've always wondered why I can't smell myself after a shower. Like on the Body Wash commercials, they say one will smell like rainbows and gumdrops and one's hair will pop out flowers, then somebody's eyes will transfer to the back of their skulls as one walks by. It makes no sense...In the end its a lie.
Right now, everything is a lie.
I remember my first crush (and the second and third and fourth and fifth and sixth and seventh and eighth and ninth and well...my tenth *blush*). Most were only a few days but the one I remember the most is the one I remember the less. I can't remember his face, only his hair and why I liked him. I was in PreK and he was in Elementary (1st, maybe 2nd?) His mom worked at our PreK so he'd be there after school. After that boy I don't think I had normal crushes. In fact, my second crush was for a day. It was a man selling waffles that looked like Leonardo DeCaprio's friend in the Titanic. My next crush became my first "boyfriend". Take in to consideration that I was in 2nd grade...I wonder what it would be like if I saw him again... OK! So followed by that... I won't say. Just know I've never dated any of the above.
But I have been emotionally tied...
It's funny how life works out. It's instability makes us so human that without it, it'd be mediocre. My sister is the kind of person that obsesses over things momentarily. By that I mean her likes and style. Me on the other hand, I like to be stable against the current. The only thing that has changed on me is my favorite color. The way I react to things has been part of my maturing, but everyone goes through that phase. Things have been added to my likes, but one thing's for sure, I have no idea what I like on people. This I believe is caused by the fact that I illusion personalities that don't exist. Over and over I've been disappointed.
I like to be an open book with coded chapters. YOU may see me but not understand me. Its the things that people don't understand about me which I like the most of myself. I don't like to be surprised or bipolar. Funny how seldom we use that word. I think the true meaning of words has been lost due to lingo, but also because people have ceased to understand emotions.
I see myself in the mirror and the reflection shows a spark through my eyes. A spark that had been dimmed but slowly starts to show its real shine all of a sudden. Being thought of as elite makes people forget that one is human. One makes mistakes. One has flaws. One is like everyone else. I don't think I want to ever be someone else's perfect someone. I just want to be me. I don't think I should be obligated to change for anyone. Suddenly, I feel like I can do anything I want. Nothing can stop me. I only have to give accounts to one Superior being.
I am a bird that can fly far away but is lost.
I feel so alone at this point in my life. Everything that I had planned out, I have to re-think. Nothing is the same, in fact, its more superficial. However, I feel liberated. Freedom has its costs but through time, I have learned that part of loving someone means to also learn to let them go. In this life, nothing is eternal. Its like if every second that passes, is one less breath you'll take. Time flies, but life remains untouched. There is no real future. The past is a beautiful memory. As of right now, I want to be alone and re-plan everything. Who I am and what I want. Until then, I only have one thing to hold on to. Hope.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Upsidedown
I know why she's acting the way she is. My mother loves me and there is no other type of love that surpasses that of a mother's. Honestly, I'm not anywhere near happy right now, but only because I know what to do and I'm not going to...at least not until I'm sure there is no other solution.
Back in the third grade, this one girl came up to me and asked me if I wanted to be friends with her. That was the first time someone asked me such thing but being the new girl in the school, I was in no position to turn her down. I said yes, not because I knew our friendship would work out but because she looked nice. Our friendship did end up working out but only for that year because when I moved, we stopped talking. There is a little boy that loves me no matter how much he can sometimes annoy me. I don't understand why it is that this two year-old likes me so much but every time he hugs me, he does it like he won't ever let go, and no matter what type of person I am or will become, he will love me.
Lately, I'm not sure of anything I do or say. Its as if I were functioning robotically... A spark of life in me it seems to be dimmed when I find myself in certain situations. I don't feel free, more like compromised. All of a sudden, everything that I thought I wanted is being questioned, but only because I was not doing things for me, I was doing them to please. Being the center of attention is not my thing. I need to start making decisions not to guard other's feelings but my own.
This is probably going to be the hardest on me, but I'm not alone. My sense of direction in life has been busted but I've always been very independent and I will use that independence for my better benefit. There is still the factor of the benefit of doubt, however, I'm not ready to take over the situation. I have to be strong and think that this is really the best my life is ever going to be. I am only young and free once and I plan to use up all my freedom and youth on me.
Back in the third grade, this one girl came up to me and asked me if I wanted to be friends with her. That was the first time someone asked me such thing but being the new girl in the school, I was in no position to turn her down. I said yes, not because I knew our friendship would work out but because she looked nice. Our friendship did end up working out but only for that year because when I moved, we stopped talking. There is a little boy that loves me no matter how much he can sometimes annoy me. I don't understand why it is that this two year-old likes me so much but every time he hugs me, he does it like he won't ever let go, and no matter what type of person I am or will become, he will love me.
Lately, I'm not sure of anything I do or say. Its as if I were functioning robotically... A spark of life in me it seems to be dimmed when I find myself in certain situations. I don't feel free, more like compromised. All of a sudden, everything that I thought I wanted is being questioned, but only because I was not doing things for me, I was doing them to please. Being the center of attention is not my thing. I need to start making decisions not to guard other's feelings but my own.
This is probably going to be the hardest on me, but I'm not alone. My sense of direction in life has been busted but I've always been very independent and I will use that independence for my better benefit. There is still the factor of the benefit of doubt, however, I'm not ready to take over the situation. I have to be strong and think that this is really the best my life is ever going to be. I am only young and free once and I plan to use up all my freedom and youth on me.
Monday, November 1, 2010
The 25 Things About MOI
I just read my friend's note on a social website and I am somewhat, and yet not, surprised that I wasn't tagged. So I will write 25 things about myself in this real blog. Plus I've been meaning to blog but haven't had the time or topic.
1. I love writing. I love it passionately. However, I don't think I'm great at it. I think there are so many styles that I have yet to master...oh and I tend to have a lot of run-ons...hehehe
2. I like cooking. However, I tend to be limited by my parents because my mom doesn't like to let us do much. She thinks we'll mess up and make her work double...not that we do it intentionally.
3. #2 brings me to this number because there are a lot of things that I should know how to do almost perfectly that I still don't know how to do because of my mother's reasoning (which also influences my dad a lot...)
4. Ever since I was a kiddo I have wanted to be a teacher. I also set my mind to get a scholarship and have tried to be as involved as I am witnesslly allowed to get my work's worth.
5. I tend to study people and things. This apparently was passed on from my mother to me. This is why I don't roll with big crowds as well. I'm not really the type to give second chances although I have done it twice in my life. I am also good at telling what type of person you are by the way you talk, walk, and do hand gestures. I will be 90% accurate as well.
6. I LOVE PINK
7. I am a girly girl...but I'm also not so good at this because I'm a nerd as well.
8. I don't smoke, drink, or have sex. I do have one addiction: Make-up.
9. Like every other teen-ager, I'm lazy, selfish, and weird. To top it off I am a very dramatic girl but I like to think of myself as being mature for my age. And yes, I can be a party pooper oh well get over it!
10. Many people have pointed out that I have a very cute high-pitched voice. NO I am not doing it on purpose to get attention.
11. I like to hug people but I don't like to be hugged. This originated back when I was still living in Mexico and my uncle liked to hug me and he smelled because he didn't shower.
12. Trust is a big thing for me. If you betray my trust it is the last thing you'll get back from me.
13. Depending on how big I think your secret is, is how much I will want to keep it. Sorry.
14. My teachers have over and over pointed out that I talk a lot. I do however know when to stay quiet.
15. Technology is my worst enemy. I loath it!!! Computers and I stopped talking when I was in third grade. We have never been able to make up since then.
16. Winne the Pooh is my most favorite Disney character EVER!!! Just to point out, I can be very childish, which brings lots of dis-balance to my life that depress me very easily.
17. My first language is Spanish. In fact, I speak it better than English which I have been speaking longer time now. When we went to school in Mexico, we used to get English class. I do not have an accent in either languages. I am currently trying to learn French but I don't like to speak it because a friend pointed out my "bad" accent....which I used to think was very good...This made me lose all my confidence about speaking French in front of people because I think they'll make a face as if I said something stupid or bad. Then I make myself feel humiliated...Which is ironic because my French classmates think I KNOW French like the back of my hand...
18. I tell a lot of things to my mom. By a lot I mean like stuff that a 'normal' teen-ager would never dare tell anyone!
19. I hate Texas. I also hate moving once I'm settled which makes me feel like I'll be stuck in Texas the rest of my life...BUT if I Were to move, I'd like to go to the east coast.
20. A while ago, I was very optimistic. Now I'm just looking to see the realistic ways of life.
21. This if probably the strangest thing about me but its also the most true. I don't like hanging out with people my age. In fact, I don't like or trust people my age. Usually my friends tend to be older and by older I don't mean like 50. I mean like from 3-8 years older.
22. I'm not confident about my body. I like to pretend that I am but I'm not good at it.
23. My life is like an open book...This is my biggest flaw because it is easy for people to take advantage of me. I just can't find the lock to my box so I have to deal with a lot of broken trust and feelings.
24. I like giving advice. In fact, I like to think I'm good at it. However, not a lot of people seek me for it...I also know why...hehehe
25. I remember everything. No I am not a stalker, I just pay a lot of attention to small details and people forget. My childhood memories are also very vivid thanks to this. Not long ago I developed one of my biggest fears...oh because I'm also afraid of pretty much everything (yes, I saw a psychologist when I was little)...yeah, so besides my phobia of snakes, my other biggest fear is to lose my memory. I think this is the most beautiful thing about humans because without it, there would be no life. Oh and I tend to get philosophical sometimes.
So there you have it. Love me, hate me, what ever.
1. I love writing. I love it passionately. However, I don't think I'm great at it. I think there are so many styles that I have yet to master...oh and I tend to have a lot of run-ons...hehehe
2. I like cooking. However, I tend to be limited by my parents because my mom doesn't like to let us do much. She thinks we'll mess up and make her work double...not that we do it intentionally.
3. #2 brings me to this number because there are a lot of things that I should know how to do almost perfectly that I still don't know how to do because of my mother's reasoning (which also influences my dad a lot...)
4. Ever since I was a kiddo I have wanted to be a teacher. I also set my mind to get a scholarship and have tried to be as involved as I am witnesslly allowed to get my work's worth.
5. I tend to study people and things. This apparently was passed on from my mother to me. This is why I don't roll with big crowds as well. I'm not really the type to give second chances although I have done it twice in my life. I am also good at telling what type of person you are by the way you talk, walk, and do hand gestures. I will be 90% accurate as well.
6. I LOVE PINK
7. I am a girly girl...but I'm also not so good at this because I'm a nerd as well.
8. I don't smoke, drink, or have sex. I do have one addiction: Make-up.
9. Like every other teen-ager, I'm lazy, selfish, and weird. To top it off I am a very dramatic girl but I like to think of myself as being mature for my age. And yes, I can be a party pooper oh well get over it!
10. Many people have pointed out that I have a very cute high-pitched voice. NO I am not doing it on purpose to get attention.
11. I like to hug people but I don't like to be hugged. This originated back when I was still living in Mexico and my uncle liked to hug me and he smelled because he didn't shower.
12. Trust is a big thing for me. If you betray my trust it is the last thing you'll get back from me.
13. Depending on how big I think your secret is, is how much I will want to keep it. Sorry.
14. My teachers have over and over pointed out that I talk a lot. I do however know when to stay quiet.
15. Technology is my worst enemy. I loath it!!! Computers and I stopped talking when I was in third grade. We have never been able to make up since then.
16. Winne the Pooh is my most favorite Disney character EVER!!! Just to point out, I can be very childish, which brings lots of dis-balance to my life that depress me very easily.
17. My first language is Spanish. In fact, I speak it better than English which I have been speaking longer time now. When we went to school in Mexico, we used to get English class. I do not have an accent in either languages. I am currently trying to learn French but I don't like to speak it because a friend pointed out my "bad" accent....which I used to think was very good...This made me lose all my confidence about speaking French in front of people because I think they'll make a face as if I said something stupid or bad. Then I make myself feel humiliated...Which is ironic because my French classmates think I KNOW French like the back of my hand...
18. I tell a lot of things to my mom. By a lot I mean like stuff that a 'normal' teen-ager would never dare tell anyone!
19. I hate Texas. I also hate moving once I'm settled which makes me feel like I'll be stuck in Texas the rest of my life...BUT if I Were to move, I'd like to go to the east coast.
20. A while ago, I was very optimistic. Now I'm just looking to see the realistic ways of life.
21. This if probably the strangest thing about me but its also the most true. I don't like hanging out with people my age. In fact, I don't like or trust people my age. Usually my friends tend to be older and by older I don't mean like 50. I mean like from 3-8 years older.
22. I'm not confident about my body. I like to pretend that I am but I'm not good at it.
23. My life is like an open book...This is my biggest flaw because it is easy for people to take advantage of me. I just can't find the lock to my box so I have to deal with a lot of broken trust and feelings.
24. I like giving advice. In fact, I like to think I'm good at it. However, not a lot of people seek me for it...I also know why...hehehe
25. I remember everything. No I am not a stalker, I just pay a lot of attention to small details and people forget. My childhood memories are also very vivid thanks to this. Not long ago I developed one of my biggest fears...oh because I'm also afraid of pretty much everything (yes, I saw a psychologist when I was little)...yeah, so besides my phobia of snakes, my other biggest fear is to lose my memory. I think this is the most beautiful thing about humans because without it, there would be no life. Oh and I tend to get philosophical sometimes.
So there you have it. Love me, hate me, what ever.
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