I'm writing this BC I know who's not going to read it...

I've always wondered why I can't smell myself after a shower. Like on the Body Wash commercials, they say one will smell like rainbows and gumdrops and one's hair will pop out flowers, then somebody's eyes will transfer to the back of their skulls as one walks by. It makes no sense...In the end its a lie.

Right now, everything is a lie.

I remember my first crush (and the second and third and fourth and fifth and sixth and seventh and eighth and ninth and well...my tenth *blush*). Most were only a few days but the one I remember the most is the one I remember the less. I can't remember his face, only his hair and why I liked him. I was in PreK and he was in Elementary (1st, maybe 2nd?) His mom worked at our PreK so he'd be there after school. After that boy I don't think I had normal crushes. In fact, my second crush was for a day. It was a man selling waffles that looked like Leonardo DeCaprio's friend in the Titanic. My next crush became my first "boyfriend". Take in to consideration that I was in 2nd grade...I wonder what it would be like if I saw him again... OK! So followed by that... I won't say. Just know I've never dated any of the above.

But I have been emotionally tied...

It's funny how life works out. It's instability makes us so human that without it, it'd be mediocre. My sister is the kind of person that obsesses over things momentarily. By that I mean her likes and style. Me on the other hand, I like to be stable against the current. The only thing that has changed on me is my favorite color. The way I react to things has been part of my maturing, but everyone goes through that phase. Things have been added to my likes, but one thing's for sure, I have no idea what I like on people. This I believe is caused by the fact that I illusion personalities that don't exist. Over and over I've been disappointed.

I like to be an open book with coded chapters. YOU may see me but not understand me. Its the things that people don't understand about me which I like the most of myself. I don't like to be surprised or bipolar. Funny how seldom we use that word. I think the true meaning of words has been lost due to lingo, but also because people have ceased to understand emotions.

I see myself in the mirror and the reflection shows a spark through my eyes. A spark that had been dimmed but slowly starts to show its real shine all of a sudden. Being thought of as elite makes people forget that one is human. One makes mistakes. One has flaws. One is like everyone else. I don't think I want to ever be someone else's perfect someone. I just want to be me. I don't think I should be obligated to change for anyone. Suddenly, I feel like I can do anything I want. Nothing can stop me. I only have to give accounts to one Superior being.

I am a bird that can fly far away but is lost.

I feel so alone at this point in my life. Everything that I had planned out, I have to re-think. Nothing is the same, in fact, its more superficial. However, I feel liberated. Freedom has its costs but through time, I have learned that part of loving someone means to also learn to let them go. In this life, nothing is eternal. Its like if every second that passes, is one less breath you'll take. Time flies, but life remains untouched. There is no real future. The past is a beautiful memory. As of right now, I want to be alone and re-plan everything. Who I am and what I want. Until then, I only have one thing to hold on to. Hope.