Almost There

Currently my Facebook status reads the following:
"I'm hungry! I brought the wrong book to class! My fingers are cold! This hcc wifi is not responding! I hate rain in the day >:( "
So indeed, it is raining outside, or at least its raining and stops. The weather channel says that its supposed to rain over the zip code where I work. What that means is that I cannot take my 19 kids outside to play. They are in school for 8 hours and get a 15minute recess. 15 scrawny minutes to play. Then, after 8 hours, they are handed to me for another 3 hours of classroom lockdown. My kids cannot make it three hours in there without driving me a little crazy. Once they are done with their homework (which usually takes about 15 minutes for K and 1st grade and about 1 hour for 2nd grade), I have to entretain them. Its not like a regular classroom where I sit there and teach, or they do independent work or even group work. Its not like its nap time either! So again, I have to entretain them for at least half an hour more until its time to go outside. Unlike those 15 scrawny minutes, we go outside for an hour, an hour that involves kids pushing, hitting, and pulling on each other. An hour that stresses me out because little boy over there is hanging upside down, or because someone is bleeding, or someone fell or or or...

Thus the fact that I do not want to teach elementary kids.

I like my job a lot, don't get me wrong. I just hate it so much when it rains. I'd rather have someone trip outside than to have to yell at them to keep them in order. My kids like me, not like iI'm trying to brag or anything, I just know because they tell me. When I ask them if they like the other teacher, everyone says no, and I would too. That woman inspires too much fear and hate in those kids. Even though she's kidding half of the time, the kids can't tell and they are just scared of her. There are good days, most of them are good acuatlly. I look forward to being at work, just not when it rains...

So I've been thinking a lot about last weekend because I decided who I'm going to marry. Now, I just have to convice the other party. Juuuuuust Kidding :) Last weekend was not really good. I took a self-esteem test on Monday and scored 77/100 which is really healthy self-esteem, but this weekend I felt like a 2. SO I sast in my room and cried and cried and cried and then I got over it and got angry then sad and here comes my mother to the rescue. She lives with me of course becuase she is my mother and I'm still 18 (in 18 days I turn 19! EEK!). Anyways, when she's feeling all motherly, she can make me feel really good, but that's a motherly thing. However, like I said, during the weekend I got put down really bad, so obviously by Sunday I was still not feeling my pinkest. We went out to eat but we were a little late to the restaurant. That meant I had to sit by people I din't like...But alas, I ploppled myself on the chair and munched on some chips (btw, chips and salsa are NOT a mexican thing). So there I am minding my own business eating my chips and then someone says "Blah Blah is comming, do we need more seats?" and I jump up and say "here's one!!"...but to everyone else it sounded like OMG THERE'S A SEAT RIGHT NEXT TO ME! HE CAN SIT HERE! IN FACT, I'M DYING FOR HIM TO GET HERE!!!" Now remember, I'm minding my own business eating chips so I wasn't aware of my reaction.

Whatever.

So eventually my dad moves and unwillingly sits next to me and Blah Blah got there and sat at the edge. I'm still muching on chips almost holding my breath because I felt like with the single brush of a petal, I would explode in tears, and then he says "Valeria what's wrong? You're upset" Upset? Upset? I was beyond myself upset but how in the bloody hell did he know that!? I don't talk to him, we don't hang out constantly, I've never confided in him! Why did he have to notice me...I'm such a bad liar...

My parents are convinced someone is going to make a move in either me or Ilse, which is why I've decided who I'm going to marry. Just in case its me, I can clearly and honestly say "I'm sorry but I have higher expectations" or something like that. I don't like to be noticed without me knowing about it. I like my invisibility very much, so of course I did everything I could to remain undercover.

(It made me feel like Sunako in The Wallflower. She used to get nosebleeds when someone that was beautiful got close to her. )

Eventually I got my way and told him nothing, I mean how coul I? My dad was next to me, my mom in front of me and all around us was everyone else. I'm more or less ok now, except for the fact that this internet is being extremely slow and it doesn't have spell check. My update is this: I changed majors and all my classes were useful so I don't have to start over. Maybe I took an extra class but it will help me in the long run since its child growth and development. If and only if I pass all my classes, then I will graduate from HCC during the summer and then continue with my last two years (or one and a half or however many it takes) and then finally I wll have become and official adult. I will have my adult job and my adult clothes and my adult car and then, I will decide on the rest of my life. The end.