Friday, January 20, 2012

Middle School Aspirations

Last night I realized how much I like old-school Disney. I grew up with it, I know the songs and the characters and the dialog and I love the healthyness of back in the day. None of this twilight crap. Well it made me realize how I don't know the songs or dialog in English because I was living in my little Mexico and to be honest, I still have all my VHS in Spanish and a VHS player. I know, one day that machine will stop working and I won't be able to watch the Jungle Book or Dumbo etc etc. I will one day buy the DVD/Blueray but they have to come with Spanish audio. I have to watch Disney in Spanish.

There's a difference in having a high self esteem and being confident. I learned that this week in my public speaking class. I can tell you that in my case, I have high self esteem and moderate to low confidence. The main reason is because when one is not comfortable in their own skin, people notice it. I am not comfortable in my skin, therefore, I have mederate to low confidence. Doesn't mean I can't be bold, because I most certainly can. For example, I was with a friend some time ago and this dude that she knew but hates came up to us and started asking her stuff that was non of his business so I got mad because he would not go away and the questions kept growing intimate so I about had it and told him off. Poor dude didn't know what to say. It may have not been my business either but my friend couldn't brush him off and I wasn't about to sit there and just stare, that's called bad friending. Friends stand up for each other. Oh and about that too, injustices, bad parenting, irresponsible parenting and feeling unappreciated are amongst my latest soap boxes.

Here's why I have a high self esteem but moderate low confidence. When I was in junior high, I got bullied. Yes I said it, bullied. I don't talk about it much becuase its kind of embarrassing to say that I got bullied at some time in my life and the only reason I'm writing about it is becuase I know for a fact that I can count with one hand the number of readers I get. Which by the way, I don't mind. Anyways! So I was in sixth grade when the bullies got me, in gym class to be clear. Another was in my advisory (study hall) and he was probably the worst. He was this guy that later I ended up getting along with...sorta... Well, I was friends with this one girl in my language arts class and she was friends with this other girl that did not like me all the time. So then in our advisory period, she would sit at my table and catch me staring at this guy. But I was thinking oh my gosh just shut up! I was also thinking what a jerk, and, leave that poor boy alone, and, what a nasty flirt. So yeah. Well I've been told that when I stare at people unconsciously, I have an I'm-gonna-kill-you-stare. I'm not really sure, but maybe back in sixth grade I stared in the same way and the girl assumend I liked the guy. So she went and told him! And oh my gosh...just to get him away from me was absolute torture... There may be more to that but I won't say the rest. Well this guy lives down my street so for the longest time I was afraid he would come to my house and do something stupid.

Then there was Liana. I have never in a blog said a name and if I get sued its ok (not really...) Liana. I love that name. Liana. Sounds like lioness and that was exactly what she was, a lioness. If I could have been her just for a day, I could have said my life was complete. In sixth grade however, we were in P.E. class together. She would always mind her own business and she really didn't talk to anyone. I noticed her because she walked with such confidence it was almost like she wore a royal robe of arrogance. But that was just her, she was just walking. She also dyed her hair a lot, and had it really short at one point. And yet, one day she pantsed me. During a free play period. And she pantsed other girls. Her and some other girl. They didn't get in trouble. I wanted to cry. So I did when I got home and I told my parents and they went to talk to the principal and made a big fuss and what not and the the coach yelled at them then the girls were all mad and drama and and and...oh the traumas of my childhood...

In seventh grade, I had this huge fight with the girl I was besties with. We had become major theater geeks and as so, we got in this argument over a lip sync. One day I'm going to write a book about my junior high experience beause it was a bloody experience. Haha bloody...Liana was British and she was sooooo pretty. Up to these days, I still think she was one of the most gorgeous girls I have delt with. Well Liana and I ended up in the same advanced theater class. I was always afraid of her until one day we just had to work together and she was completely different. In eighth grade she became the person I wish I were and then stuff happened and that was the last person I wanted to be. I liked being me. Oh gwad...eighth grade. We all stopped seeing Liana when we went to high school and she moved. I do wonder what it would have been like if she hadn't moved...

Back to the point. I have all this self esteem because I know my limitations and I have passions and aspirations. I have moderate to low confidence because I'm not comfortable in my own skin. So why did I switch majors to creative writing? Well for one becuase I don't want to teach anything else but high school and two, becuase I want to write a book. One day. I don't care if its a children's book or what, I want to write! I love writing even if I'm not the best. Even if some people don't believe I can, I will say oh yes I can and yes I will. I started a story in eighth grade and I need to finish it. I could never figure out the ending becuase I had so many people read it and give me different opinions on how it should end. Its a great story, long, and based on real people in my life. In order for me to finish, I have to boost my confidence and as of right now, I have no idea how I'm going to do that, maybe I won't, and I'll just put it off another four years, but when I do finish and amaze myself, when I am proud to have written something beautiful of what I wish my Utopia would be like, of what it really is in my head, then I will finally sleep happily ever after.

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