Awk...
What is that word? More like, what is half of that word?
A long time ago, like four, five, years ago, I used to be this very nice person. I was the kind of person that always looked at the bright side of things and said very nice things and wanted to be friends with everybody. I was so full of confidence a long time ago. Of course, it was so long ago that I had no experience with people and of course I had not been hurt. So eventually I changed. Not just because of one person, but because a lot of people and bitter experiences.
We all have a right to protect our hearts in what ever way we want to. No one can judge us because the pain we feel once we experienced something awful is a pain that stays inside our small hearts. You see, I had a friend who had overconfidence, the bad kind. I had the good kind of confidence, like I could teach a college class about it and it would have been called Confidence 2501. Well, that friend had some friends that I eventually became friends with. At the time, they turned out to be the best kind of friends that I had had in my entire life. I wanted to be with them so much; to be part of their group.They were so cool to me, like, celebrities almost.
Today I'm only really close friends with one of them.
You see my beloved reader, I'm the kind of person that turned out to be socially awkward. I'm not the kind of socially awkward person that cannot socialize with anybody, a loner. I'm also not the person that makes frenemies or fake friends. I'm not emo, depressed or suicidal socially awkward. I have two very polar attitudes. When I'm comfortable with myself and the group I'm in, I can make really good conversation and I'll even make some good jokes. I am myself. I don't care what those people think because I am comfortable enough to trust them to not hate me if I say something dumb. Then there's the other side of my social awkwardness. If I feel outshined, or if I'm the only stranger there, yeah, I won't talk much.
AND I LIKE TO TALK A LOT. LIKE, A TON.
Sometimes I have to be told to shut up. One of my friends likes to say that I always know what to say, that I can make conversation with anyone without difficulty. As if I could spot a cute guy and just walk up to him and bust out in conversation. Well I'm not like that. Yes it is true that the people who know me think that I can be like that, but that doesn't mean that I will.
Why?
Simply put, I don't trust people. I can look at someone and really like them from sight or really dislike them. I don't have a midground. Part of the reason that I am like that is because the people that surround me don't like to mingle. They are a little boring and its very frustrating because I have tried numerous times to introduce them to the world of mingling and it just doesn't work. I can almost say its rubbed on me a little. Once I find my comfort spot, I like to stay there. My mom is against that though and she tells me that in order to have friends, we have to be a friend. Easier said than done and especially because that woman is no closer to anyone else as the sun is close to Mars. But then she goes and tells me that I can't trust people. So my little brain says, "which is it woman!" I'd like to look up to her because she is right and she is my mom, but I can't look up to someone who doesn't set the example, so I just agree with her and try to be the best kind of friend to my friends.
Lately I have been faced with this situation: "So-and-So is lonely, be friends with them." I used to feel bragged about the situation because that meant that I am trustworthy and friendly and a good company, but now I think to myself, "Well I don't know if that person is going to be trustworthy and friendly back to me." So I turn down the request. We are not in Kindergarten anymore, we don't walk up to people and say, "Will you be my friend". No! It takes time and effort to build a relationship and I am honestly, a very difficult person to be around. I am very complicated and annoying at times. I also have a 3-strikes rule: I invite you 3 times and if 3 times you turn me down, I don't invite you again. Period. I will come to the conclusion that you don't want to hang out with me so I will avoid you the discomfort of turning me down; or more like keeping me in limbo.
When I was little I was scared of everything and it was really hard for me to make friends in school because I was afraid to talk to people. I just didn't know what to say. I don't have low self-esteem, I like myself a lot. A LOT. (HEHE). I just don't always like people. Or I like them too much and I don't want to overwhelm them or scare them away. So I smile and agree and wave good-bye.
I guess I have to work on my personality? Yeah...........awk-ward
No comments:
Post a Comment