Don't poop in your underwear

Three things are on my mind right now:

1. My sinus allergies are not getting better and its really hard to breathe
2. My wisdom teeth are taking over my mouth and I feel painful pressure on my top and bottom teeth and my mouth is tired of being 'open' so my teeth don't touch. It also made me super hungry...
3. April hasn't had a haircut since we got her and she is full of knots. She's fluffy and the fluffy look fits her, but with her skin rash, she is covered in knots.

SO...

I was just thinking the other day when was the first time that I decided I didn't want to have kids. I was going to be a senior in high school actually. Before that, I had my marriage life planned out with two or three kids, I even picked names and ways to raise them and discipline them and parenting methods. I was so in love with the idea of keeping everything so I could tell my kids and grandkids, "when I was your age, this was my first blah blah." I even played mother role at times with kids that are not mine. More than once did I get complimented on how good I was with kids ( I still am). I was told I would be a great mother. I agreed.

And then there were goldfish...

See, that Summer of 2010 my family sat with another family we are really good friends with. They have a son that is the apple of my eye. I was left in charge of baby sitting him during the last part of the morning program and intermission so that my mom, my sister, his mom and his dad worked in the baptizm departmen. My dad was in accounting. So it was just me and that lovely child. Well everything was going well except when lunch started. I had to actually dig through his family's stuff to find the kid's lunch and then feed him. No biggie. But! Things did go wrong. I started to get all panicky because I couldn't find his lunch and the kid was hungry. I finally found it, fixed his lunch and then handed him his sandwich. I even prayed with him. Then out of no where I found this bag of goldfish and it just so happened to occur to me to offer him some. He said yes. So I handed him the whole bag. Then I turned around to find my sandwich.

dkjofekdfoenajsdfkjsmashshshshsss

What was I thinking handing him the whole one gallon ziploc bag of goldfish to serve himself??? I clearly had a moment of stupidity. Yeah I wanted to hit myself because I had to clean it up because it was my fault, not the kid's. Thank goodness for who arrived to be my leverage because he took the kid so I could get my head back in place and clean up. I also ate my sandwich and when he came back we both had the kid and we looked like a family. Well, I didn't like the picture.

After serious thinking, I came up with a list of 50 reasons not to have kids. I couldn't think of any good reasons to actually have kids. In fact, when people tell me that I'm the one that is going to end up with kids first I explain to them how selfish it is to bring kids into this corrupt and ending world. Why would anyone want to put a human being through the horrid path of imperfect life with all the suffereing that comes with it? Just so you can fulfill parental happiness? Why can't they wait until they can give birth to perfect kids in a perfect world and be perfect parents?

So no, I will not have kids in this world. I refuse. I have looked at every birth control method and if I have to do them ALL at the same time then by all means, I will do them all. I will not get pregnant and go through that extra hormonal imbalance, I will not raise a child in this world and I will not stit there and see my child suffer in this world. No no no, and no!

When I hear people say, "oh I want to have kids," I respect that decision. Just like they should respect mine for not wanting any. Of course, you never hear them say " oh I want a toddler," or "a teenager" or "a young adult." You also don't hear people say "I want a kid with Autism." We already-existing-beings have no choice or control in the suffering we have in life, its not like we chose to be diabetic in our old age. But why can't people think that in this system, kids will have that lifestyle. Plus they are expensive.

There are always firsts in life. First cavity, first Barbie, first Hot-Wheels, first teacher, first backstab, first kiss, first change of heart. To me, deciding to not have kids was a major life change, but it won't be the first time I change my mind about something of such great impact. Then again, I still love kids.

On another note, I messed up BIG time at work by undercharging tuition to some parents, but the good thing is that I have a good boss. I can't wait until school starts to get another year of kids. Kids make up my life, that is why I like my job and that I why I am good with them. So long as they are not mine.