It's two in the morning...
Why in the world am I laying in bed reading my old blogs? Well for one, I took like a three hour nap and although I'm tired, I couldn't fall asleep even if I tried. Two, I really have to go potty but that is none of your business. I have a blog written down but I don't feel like writing it right now because something else is really poking my thoughts. Let me just say that if my parents walk into my room right now and see that I'm doing this, I am going to be in trouble. And I'm almost twenty bloody years old......siiiigh.
A looooong looong loong long time ago I used to be really naive. And immature. And childish. And bouncy. And stupid. And over-confident. Of course, I was a freshman. So its not a surprise to say that like any other fish, I was lost and didn't think too much. Well, now that I know how to think, I sit here and think about how I used to be so I won't be like that again. That way I won't have to hear people say that I'm annoying or childish. Yes, I get it, I'm super smart and full of useless information and I can't help but spit it out at times. I am difficult.
So I have this tiny big problem and I don't feel like bringing it up with my friend because if I do, then I'll have to tell my friend the truth, that I don't think we can be friends anymore because he is acting like a duche. I just like to think it in my head. Or maybe we are friends but right now he's like in time-out corner in my head? I don't know. What ever. Let me tell you what did not happen.
When I was a fish, I used to be really hyper about my new acquaintance that I made over the phone. Those were my days of glory stalking. Although I still possess those skills, I prefer not to use them unless I'm bored. I'm not bored often so its nothing to fear. ( See what I'm doing? I'm avoiding the subject...) Well, when I was a fish, I didn't really know what it was like to have friends outside my circle of friendships. Like, this friend lived far, and didn't go to my school or hall and this friend was not even in my age range. But I really liked talking to this friend even though this friend didn't, or maybe liked to avoid me. I would have avoided me too because of how weird I was being. Well, once all the weirdness went away, I started to share more personal info with this friend and we would talk about my teen problems because like I said, this friend was older and experienced. But then this friend would always tell me, "how come you only call me to talk about your problems or when you need advice or when you want help? how come you never call to say hi or to just chit chat?" I used to think that only couples did that. Friends were there for help. It was funny beause I could talk to this riend about anything and it was ok in my head because we were friends. I mean, what was I supposed to say in a chit chat conversation? "OMG I think so and so is super cute" or "hey, I got an A on my test." Honestly I think that I thought that those were sleepover conversations, or small talk with peers, and I really considered at that time that this friend was really my firend, even though to my friend, I was just the stalker or the acquaintance. At that point in my life all I heard was gibberish until the millionth time that I 'got it' so I called this friend to say hi and have a conversation. That conversation went like this: cricket cricket. So yeah, basically, I still didn't understand what my friend wanted me to talk about on the phone. Like, I knew my friend made a point by telling me I only called when it was about me but I didn't know how to fix it so I continued to call when I needed me-time. Selfish right? Well, like I said, this was a looooong time ago.
Well, it took five years for me to get it...
The roles have been switched. I am now my friend and I have another friend who is being me. It goes like this: We met like a year ago and hit it off really well. No creepy feeling, no next-day texting, no intimate convos, just simple nonsense texting getting to know each other. We really wanted to hang out and stuff and I laughed a lot. I really liked talking to this friend. Then out of no where, the conversations got personal. Being the person that I am, I can't help to fill in the gaps of people's lives. When they can't explain something, I make it clear. When they need to be put back in reality I shove them. When they need venting I instigate. So I thought I was being considerate of this friend's feelings. Of course, then my friend started to want advice very often until that was the only time when I heard from this person. And I'm like really? What bothers me is that we are not talking about a freshman situation anymore. We are talking about an adult. Shoot myself in the foot for being so nice!
I'm not a life coach, I'm not a counselor, I'm not Dr. Phill or Maury. I'm not a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist. I'm an English major college student that reads a lot and likes to think. But I also have feelings and my feelings are hurt. So in honor of the friend that first told me "how come you only call me to talk about your problems or when you need advice or when you want help? how come you never call to say hi or to just chit chat?", this blog is for you. I am sorry for being soooo selfish. I now understand what you meant and if I could tell you this in person I would, but, I don't think you would forgive me now, much less listen to me. I am truly honestly sorry for being a duchebag and only calling you when I needed you. I'm sorry I bothered you with all my life troubles and my boy drama. You gave me the best advice anyone could ask for and you taught me a lot about life, so much that up to this point, my life has not been a surprise to me. Please forgive me. Please. I was young and dumb and it obviously took this long to get it because its finally slapping me in the face. So, I'm sorry.
To my friend being the douchebag now, I'm tired of texting you and you not caring to carry out a conversation. I do not want to see you next Saturday or in the forseeable future. At least not until you stop being a duche and start acting like you did when we first met. I do not want to give you advice. I am so disappointed at your hang-out plans which btw, let me and some other people down because you invited US and then decided not to go. I think I know why you are being negligent with your friends and honestly you're in for a big fat nasty disappointment. But I'm not going to bother to tell you because I don't honestly care what happens. Oh and PS, remember that I'm 99.9% always right. When it happens I will know because once again, you will return to me for advice and I will press 'delete.' In fact, you won't ever know that I don't care anymore becuase you are not going to read this blog. People in Malaysia and Russia ( Russians love my blog the second most after the USA) will read this blog and say, kdjoe skfiej kjdofiekf lksifkj lsifjee ( that is my russian!) and continue their lives. I will continue my life without you becuse you said we were good friends, emphasis on good, and now you are proving to be the absolute worst. You're not only using me, you are refusing to admit that you are doing it and excusing yourself by being "busy," Well guess what? I've always been busy but never busy enough to say hi or solve one of your life tangles. You hurt my feelings.
In 2011 skipped like three months of blogging. I never want to do that again. (2:53 AM)
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