I can't figure out how to unfollow two blogs. I don't really know why I followed them in the first place if I never read them. I mean, it even bothers me to see them right there on my dashboard. I think that maybe the first time I read it I thought they were good blogs but then the second and third time I told myself, this blog sucks...why did I bother to follow...
Ever since the eigth grade I've hated Edgar Allen Poe. Now, I know that you are thinnking I've got to be crazy because like my Lit. teacher says, he's got the big "C" of classic stamped all over his work. Well technically he didn't just write one story and became famous. It took him his entire lifetime to be appreciated by the world (when he was alive, the French seemed to be the only ones enjoying his stories). Personally though, the first time I read Poe I thought he was possessed. I was really scared and I had nightmares and what not. So every time I had to read Poe I basically winged it. I was not about to read something I felt no respect for. Ever since then I decided to be very critical to what I read and what I write. So if I don't like something I do not read it. I think everyone should do that.
I'm not a writer, not even close, but I like blogging simply because I can put words to my toughts here and then find out that someone out there took two seconds of their life and gave them to me.
Another reason why I didn't like Poe was because I could not understand what he was saying. I didn't actually learn to dissect a story until I was a freshman. I also don't like Hemingway, Ayn Rand, mmmm.... Well I can't think of any more. But the point is, things are understood better when they are not sprinkled with fancy words, saturated with literary elements, or stuffed with description. Simplicity, voice and style are enough. Everything else is extra. If you over do it, the piece is like eating an entire cake by yourself. Its too much and it will make you sick (English 1301!!!)
This has brought me to think of how much I hate apologies Before you start to point the hypocrite finger at me, let me explain. I'm the kind of person that likes to make things clear. I don't like issues to hang in the air. Life is not about leaving matters unresolved. Even if you look away from the problem, its still there waiting for you to get tired of looking away. I like to apologize, but I think its super awkward to have someone apologize to me. It goes like this:
I have a bad habit of playing with my hair, specially when I talk to boys. I do not at all do this on purpose, it was actually pointed out by two married men. Of course they teased me and bothered me because I am not at all aware that I am doing this. I go into this subconcious state! If you ask me, I can't even remember a single time that I actually did it. At some point, I even thought that they were pulling my leg just to pick on me. But no, apparently I do it...So! One day one of the men comes up to me and apologized to me for making fun of me or picking on me or something like that. In my head I was thinking, "but what's the fault?" I didn't seriously get offended so why was he apologizing? Trust me, if I'm bothered, I cannot help but to show it on my face. Then I will say it and depending on how bothered I am is how upset I will sound. Again, when I don't like something, its very obvious. Anyways, so he goes on apologizing and I started to get all hot and itchy. I'm used to people teasing me, its been done my entire life. At this point, I could hardly care less what is it that I'm being teased about. I just take it and laugh along.
Therefore, its really hard for me to apologize. So when I apologize about something, its because I seriously mean it from my heart. I've given it so much tought that I get super uncomfortable if I don't say something. Which is rare.
Last night I had so much flying in my head that I could not sit still during my meeting. To top it off, my dad realized he had to do a presentation and didn't tell me until literally when we were walking out of the house. I couldn't say no...So I walked out on like paragraph 3 of the book study and just sat in the lobby trying to read this very long presentation. I sort of wish it had been the magazines but it ended up being a presentation like the one we ladies give in the school. The problem was that I was standing in the lobby trying not to cry thinking about my silly life mistakes. Not the right day to give me a last minute anything. I thought about all the people I've let down and how unworthy I was to be giving that part. I didn't want to go up there and look stupid. So my dad comes out after I was gone like ten minutes and he tries really really hard to break it down for me. All I heard were muttered words and my breathing got really tight because I felt bad for him. If it had been ANY other day, I probably could have focused, but yesterday not so much. When it was time to go up, I was shaking. I never shake, I don't get sick, I don't sweat and I don't mess up, period. Yesterday I messed up. Like bad. I couldn't stop thinking about what was in my head. I couldn't remember what the part said and I thought like any second I was going to pass out. I felt sorry for myself. There on stage is a girl who is so insecure, so impatient and so dramatic. There on stage is a girl who has hurt and let down absolutely everyone. There is that girl who doesn't know what she is saying and keeps tripping over the words in front of her. I literally ran off the stage. I went in the bathroom and I cried.
So why is it that if I am so bad, that I have any friends? I have the best friends I could ever ask for. I have the best and most encouraging company I could ask for. I have the best support system! Then I found out someone has cancer and I felt so little. Like, everything that just happened, that IS happening, is nothing compared to cancer.
I still hate Poe, I hate those two blogs I can't figure out how to unfollow, I hate apologies and I hated last night. Compared to cancer though, my life is full of jelly beans! I still have a lot to learn and being the person that I am, I have to agree with Master Yoda, "Do or do not, there is no try." Every one has the right to be wrong, but no one has the right to do wrong.
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