When my sister and I were little, we were playmates more than sisters. In fact, we were lucky enough to get gifts from all our aunts, uncles, grandparents and strangers because we were the first nieces and granddaughters to be born. We were what you call "unofficial twins" because we are so close in age. Due to to the fact that we are so close in age, we've always been raised as if we were the same age, meaning that she gets treated like she is older than she really is and I get treated like I'm younger than I really am. It works that way because I am the oldest and I am my parent's guinea pig. Also we've been given the same things in the same amount and quality, we've shared friends and belongings, we've been to the same places, we've been given the same attention, we were born on the same day of the week, on the same day number and have the same initials in our names. Above all things, my sister and I do things for each other very much against our will because we have each other's back no matter what.
For example, sometimes I don't want to go somewhere because a certain someone is going to be there, but my sister will want to go, so I'll go for her. I will put up with the situation and the people and she gets to have a good time. Of course, she does the same for me. Its a very nice arrangement we have going. I have to say thought, ever since I got promoted at work, she's helped me out a ton. You see, she left the company we were working at to pursue a full time job. This gave me the opportunity to climb to her position even thought that meant I had to give up my kids.
Its funny how much I get attached to children. Maybe because I'll never have my own (not that I want to). But there is something about working with children that has always given me some kind of satisfaction that I cannot get any other way. Their smiles and laughter, their noise, their imagination and creativity; its so beautiful. Working with kids is the only thing I've ever known how to do well. So now that I'm not in direct contact with the kids, I feel like I'm going through this child-withdrawal. Like a smoker who gives up smoking. I miss my kids... Hopefully I'll graduate college next year and I'll be an official teacher, except for the fact that I'll be working with teenagers. Kids are too loud and messy and although I am aware that teens are dangerous children, I still want to work with them. Someone has to do it, and I'm not in it for the money. I'm not in it either because "those who can't do, teach". I can do a lot of things, I just chose to teach. Not everyone can be a teacher, it takes passion. Being the ambitious person that I am, I know my passion is more than I can begin to describe.
Something that I learned while working with kids is that kids are mean to each other. They are as mean as mean gets because they don't understand limits. Some children learn very early that some things you just can't joke about. Others, don't.
I'm not really sure why, but I've always been teased. Like literally, my entire life. When I'm not being teased by my family, I'm being teased by my friends and even strangers.
There's this one time that I will never forget...
When I was in the sixth grade I was very strange looking. All children go through an ugly phase, mine was sixth grade. When I say ugly I mean physically because we start puberty and everything goes downhill. You get pimples and braces and your hair is a mess and your clothes are a mess and your personality is awkward and you don't understand your emotions and body parts are developing. Its an awkward phase. Well my phase consisted of me wearing a lot of clothes that had at one point belonged to my mother in the 80s and styling my hair the way I had seen my mother and aunts style their hair in the 90s. I didn't know any other way and no one told me how to dress...except my mom...but she was too impressed that I could fit into her size four clothes from years ago. Well, being in sixth grade, I would always see girls crying in the hallway or making drama. I was obviously not a popular girl so I was just an outside observer with absolutely no interest in the matter. So these girls would cry every time their boyfriends dumped them and when other girls would start drama with them. I would go home and tell my mom those girls were stupid because they were so young and shouldn't be dating. A few times I felt bad for them, but mostly I would just laugh in my head.
One day, I was reading in study hall minding my own business. There was this one guy in the 6th grade who was very popular among the girls. He was tall, black, charming, flirtatious, and his last name was synonymous to amour. Quite frankly, he got on my nerves. Like any guy getting too much attention, he thought he was the bees knees, a coke and bag of chips, prince charming, Chris Brown in the flesh. I would always stare at him because he would just get on my nerves but I never spoke to him. I can't remember if he was in any of my classes but he was in my study hall for sure. So like I said, one day I was reading and he came and sat next to me. I tried ignoring him and just kept reading but he kept staring at me on the seat right next to me. I don't remember if at one point I actually asked him what he wanted or not, but I do remember like if it had been yesterday, what he did next. He grabbed my arm and started caressing it and he said "Baby, look, its not going to work out. I'm just not interested." I looked at his had on my arm, looked at him and firmly told him "Don't touch me. I don't like you." He laughed cynically, got up and walked away. I'll never forget that day because it was the first time a boy had disrespected me with such audacity. Later on I found out that one of my friend's friends who was also in that same study hall had noticed me staring at the guy so she went and told him that I liked him. When she told him, he was like "Who is that?" and she said "That girl from study hall" and he said "Wh...Oh! Ugh! Ew! Her?!" I guess I was not attractive enough for him (or anyone really, I can admit that). I hated the dude all the way until my senior year in high school. Actually...one time I ran into him because he lives a few houses down my street. I was walking with my sister around the neighborhood and he ran into us. He actually stopped to have a conversation. I don't remember exactly why but that was the only time that he acted normal and wasn't a jerk. We ended up in the same science class our senior year. One time I was trying to print something and he got in front of the printer to block my way and would not let me get my stuff. It wasn't the kind of teasing blocking like "try to get it", it was more like he was being a serious jerk and he was being mean. So one of the other girls that got along with him had to go around him and told him to stop being a jerk. By that time I had walked away thinking I could get my papers later or I could print them another day. But the girl got my papers and gave them to me and apologized for him. Yeah. He was the biggest jerk I've ever met and I didn't like him up until my very last day in high school.
Ever since that dreadful day, I've learned to put up with the teasing. Obviously I'm not 12 anymore and I can defend myself so if someone is crossing the line, I will not put up with it. However, I cannot stand when people who don't have permission to tease me, tease me or anybody I know. Or when you've asked someone to stop teasing you in the most serious manner and they continue. I will not put up with it. I don't care how close I am to someone, if I don't like what I am being teased about or if someone is teasing my sister or one of my best friends, I will not put up with it. Its one of those injustices that my ego cannot stand. Some things you just can't joke about. Some things are inappropriate to joke about. Some things are mean to joke about. Some things are hurtful to joke about. And some people, like children, just don't understand limits. That really gets under my skin. We are adults and yet some adults act worse than children. I don't care who you are, if you tease or joke around inappropriately, we are not friends. Period.
You know what else is hurtful? Cliques. I'm not saying this to get my sixth grade venting out of my system. I'm saying it because its been brought up to my attention multiple times by multiple people. Cliques make people feel left out. Cliques are showy, like "look at me and how much fun I'm having and look at all my friends and YOU'RE NOT HERE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT COOL ENOUGH." Cliques also make people change. It makes people within the clique think that they are more fun or cooler than the rest of us "boring people." Cliques don't allow people from the outside join their clique. They have to prove that they are just as fun and just as cool. Cliques peer pressure themselves to be a certain way. Cliques instigate things and people and situations. At one point in my life, last year actually, I thought I had finally found a group to belong to. I felt accepted and loved and I was having fun. Too much fun. And then I realized...how hurtful it was to the people on the outside. So I left. On purpose. Because I didn't want to be a part of it. I may not have a lot of friends, but its better to be with a few good friends than a lot of bad friends. Some friendships are just not worth pursuing. I'm not saying everyone in a clique is bad. I'm saying that in all togetherness, cliques make outsiders feel bad. I'm just an outside observer who was inside at one point but I still have no interest in the matter. I have my sister and that's all I'll ever really need. I'm currently working in filtering out my friendships and looking for friends that have the same goals that I have, friends that don't tease me and friends that will bring me up instead of tearing me down. Of course I want to have friends, but people change over time. And right now its time to learn to let go of people who are not producing any goodness in my life. I'm young and I want to have fun. But I never want to make anyone feel like they're not good enough to be my friend or that I'm too busy to be their friend.
On a very happy note, winter has been the loveliest it could be. Its been freezing cold, we've had two seriously horrible winter storms that shut down the city, and it snowed!
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