So my friends now call my blog "The B" which I think is very cute. Also, someone get me a teacup pig. I will name him Fred and Fred will be cute and small and pink. I wanted to talk about love today.
On the real.
I've been in love once but unfortunately love turned out to be too much responsibility. I mean love is a big deal and it cannot possibly be healthy at a young age. In order for love to happen, there have to be a lot of factors involved (I am very uncomfortably positioned as I write this so I'll probably keep it short).
Every morning for the past three or so weeks I've been waking up feeling relieved and proud of myself. Many times I've stated that the most important thing for me right now is to pioneer and to finish school. Anything that gets in the way of that is a distraction. Boys included. However, I was watching this anime a few days ago and it was about some boys. Well, these boys asked this girl how they could get a girl to like them or what kind of guys girls liked or something like that. The girl first claimed to not know even though she herself was girl but then she told the boys that girls fall for boys that tell them that they like them if the boy has a pretty face. So I realize this sounds confusing so I'm going to show you the two cases:
*boy with pretty face*
I like you...
You do?
yes...
I do too...
*boy without pretty face*
I like you...
oh...really?
yes...do you like me?
I don't really know...but I don't think so...
I realize that this seems biased and that it leaves ugly boys at a. huge disadvantage but this is true. I know it sounds crazy but it is true. I mean, think about it. If Adam Levine went up to a girl and told her that he liked her as random as it seems, the girl would automatically fall for him. The only reason why this is true is because a girl would never talk to a guy that she doesn't find physically attractive in some way. Mind blowing right???
So if you are a boy out there and you are talking to a girl at night, feel privileged. The girl finds you attractive enough to stay awake and talk about idiocies. What about what is morally right to do though?? Mind you that this is not what I think, this is what I was taught to think based on true knowledge that is available to everyone. Any interaction between the opposite sexes that has no boundaries is bound to lead into very unwanted feelings and situations. I might sound like a hypocrite and I am not going to excuse myself. I have talked to guys past decent hours of the night. I have flirted before. I have provoked situations and feelings that I later regretted. I've also been hurt and used on the disadvantage that I put myself in that situation. Talking to guys is not wrong, its not immoral, and its not a sin. Of course its what you talk about and who you talk to that can potentially lead to trouble.
I'm a girl. Obviously. I know how girls think and I know their tricks. I know because I am a girl and I've used every card on the deck. I know where a girl is trying to get at by seeing the way she talks to the opposite sex and how she behaves. I know because I am a girl and I've seen it and done it and felt it and heard it and you can't fool me. NO sir, you can't. Although it is true that I tolerate a lot of things, it does not mean that I agree with them. I am just as guilty as every other girl.
I'm also guilty for falling for a guy that tells me he likes me (with a pretty face of course). And just as fast as I climbed on cloud nine, I jumped off. Guys are...guys. They are carnal. Girls...we are emotional. Unfortunately I am right when I wish I wasn't. That is why we are told to draw a line with the opposite sex. Well, I've decided to cave a trench, not a line. A line is much too easy to cross, but a trench takes effort and guys don't like to put effort into many things. I realize I am being general and blunt but it is what it is. As for right now I think I've said more than enough.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Monday, December 23, 2013
Bunnies in Heaven?
I am in my Ethics class pretending to take notes. Class started over half an hour ago and the teacher has been rambling nonsense. Now we are starting the lecture on moral philosophy.
The past two weeks have been quite a challenge for me. I talked a little about my sister being in the ER but even the week before that I had finals and my car was very broken. Well my car was fixed, my sister got better and I passed all my classes. And then Wednesday happened. I haven't even been taking my medicine properly because of what a wreck its been.
Technically I had a debate in my head for the past few months so let me fill you in.
When I was little my grandpa's sister used to take care of me and my sister. Technically that makes her my tia-abuela but because she took care of us while my parents worked, we used to call her Mamá Cuca. We were with her Monday through Friday and holidays. She would pick us up from school, feed us dinner, bathe us and made sure we did our homework. In reality we had two homes and two mothers. My childhood is filled with memories in that house. Well my Mamá Cuca made this special arrangement at some point where we would go to my grandma's house every Friday to spend time with her and my great grandma. We always looked forward to Fridays. My grandma would make us fried fish and soup and she would give us carrots which she would carve hearts in and fill with lemon and salt. We would play in boxes and get wet in the patio. She would also let us look at my dad's miniature toy collection that he got from pastry packages when he was a kid. Sometimes we would go to the store or to the park in front of her house.
The day my parents found out that my Mamá Cuca was letting us spend time with my grandma, my mom flipped out. She had a good reason too. You see reader, my grandma's house was not a peaceful environment. My uncle was schizophrenic. Obviously back then there was not a lot of knowledge on the disease and the doctors just thought he had a bad temper. When he was finally diagnosed, he wouldn't take his medicine. This made him that much more violent. My mom also recounts many times when my grandma, great grandma, and uncle would get in physical altercations. Plus the fact that when they got mad, they would stop talking to each other for many, many days. I think my mom had a good reason to be concerned.
However, I don't remember anything crazy or dangerous happening any of the times that we were at my grandma's. All the memories I have about my uncle are nice. All the memories I have about my grandma and great grandma were about loving actions. In my mind I loved going there, especially on Christmas because my grandma makes the best punch ever.
My mom also talks about how she was abused by my grandma. I'm not really sure I'm supposed to be talking about this but I need to. Well, my grandma raised my dad by herself. My dad carries my great grandpa's last name and he called him dad. It is said that my dad actually met his real dad when he was young only once, but he doesn't remember. My great grandpa used to say when my mom was pregnant with me that I was going to be a girl and he used to get all sad that he would die before meeting me. He died shortly before I was born. My grandma though, did not like my mom. She still doesn't. And my great grandma always talked bad about my mom to my dad.
Lots of unnecessary tension. NONE of which I remember.
My great grandma though...she has a lot of history. I mean that tends to happen when you live 9 decades. But anyways, my great grandma was always so sweet to us. She even gave us money sometimes which was a big deal because my sister and I got a lot more valuable things from her. I cannot say that I have a bad memory of her. My great grandma was a very strong person. Even in her last days she refused to die. She was so old and sick and weak and she still would not die.
Genealogically I don't know who I am. My dad's family tree is completely screwed up. I have no idea what my paternal grandfather's medical history looks like. In all valid truth, I have no idea who I am in history. I had a lot of questions for my great grandma about all of this, and then again I was embarrassed to ask because I was not supposed to know. And what's worse is that I avoided talking to her because she would pity herself in her sick state. I feel slightly bad and slightly relieved. I'm not sad that she died, I'm just sad that I never told her how I truly felt. I never told her how grateful I was for keeping my paternal family semi-together. I never told her that I appreciated all my childhood memories in her house and with my grandma.
Maybe I'll see her in paradise.
I shouldn't care about genealogic matters but deep down inside I feel like half of me is inexistent. In ancient societies it was very important to know who you were, nowadays it doesn't matter. My only relief is that this system is coming to an end and in paradise I may be able to get some answers.
Until that day I comes, I have to sit in this class listen to my professor talk about something that I neither believe or have an interest on...
PS: Two people think that I was writing about Bunny. But I'm not so if you got to this sentence thinking that I would, then you're a NOOB!!!
The past two weeks have been quite a challenge for me. I talked a little about my sister being in the ER but even the week before that I had finals and my car was very broken. Well my car was fixed, my sister got better and I passed all my classes. And then Wednesday happened. I haven't even been taking my medicine properly because of what a wreck its been.
Technically I had a debate in my head for the past few months so let me fill you in.
When I was little my grandpa's sister used to take care of me and my sister. Technically that makes her my tia-abuela but because she took care of us while my parents worked, we used to call her Mamá Cuca. We were with her Monday through Friday and holidays. She would pick us up from school, feed us dinner, bathe us and made sure we did our homework. In reality we had two homes and two mothers. My childhood is filled with memories in that house. Well my Mamá Cuca made this special arrangement at some point where we would go to my grandma's house every Friday to spend time with her and my great grandma. We always looked forward to Fridays. My grandma would make us fried fish and soup and she would give us carrots which she would carve hearts in and fill with lemon and salt. We would play in boxes and get wet in the patio. She would also let us look at my dad's miniature toy collection that he got from pastry packages when he was a kid. Sometimes we would go to the store or to the park in front of her house.
The day my parents found out that my Mamá Cuca was letting us spend time with my grandma, my mom flipped out. She had a good reason too. You see reader, my grandma's house was not a peaceful environment. My uncle was schizophrenic. Obviously back then there was not a lot of knowledge on the disease and the doctors just thought he had a bad temper. When he was finally diagnosed, he wouldn't take his medicine. This made him that much more violent. My mom also recounts many times when my grandma, great grandma, and uncle would get in physical altercations. Plus the fact that when they got mad, they would stop talking to each other for many, many days. I think my mom had a good reason to be concerned.
However, I don't remember anything crazy or dangerous happening any of the times that we were at my grandma's. All the memories I have about my uncle are nice. All the memories I have about my grandma and great grandma were about loving actions. In my mind I loved going there, especially on Christmas because my grandma makes the best punch ever.
My mom also talks about how she was abused by my grandma. I'm not really sure I'm supposed to be talking about this but I need to. Well, my grandma raised my dad by herself. My dad carries my great grandpa's last name and he called him dad. It is said that my dad actually met his real dad when he was young only once, but he doesn't remember. My great grandpa used to say when my mom was pregnant with me that I was going to be a girl and he used to get all sad that he would die before meeting me. He died shortly before I was born. My grandma though, did not like my mom. She still doesn't. And my great grandma always talked bad about my mom to my dad.
Lots of unnecessary tension. NONE of which I remember.
My great grandma though...she has a lot of history. I mean that tends to happen when you live 9 decades. But anyways, my great grandma was always so sweet to us. She even gave us money sometimes which was a big deal because my sister and I got a lot more valuable things from her. I cannot say that I have a bad memory of her. My great grandma was a very strong person. Even in her last days she refused to die. She was so old and sick and weak and she still would not die.
Genealogically I don't know who I am. My dad's family tree is completely screwed up. I have no idea what my paternal grandfather's medical history looks like. In all valid truth, I have no idea who I am in history. I had a lot of questions for my great grandma about all of this, and then again I was embarrassed to ask because I was not supposed to know. And what's worse is that I avoided talking to her because she would pity herself in her sick state. I feel slightly bad and slightly relieved. I'm not sad that she died, I'm just sad that I never told her how I truly felt. I never told her how grateful I was for keeping my paternal family semi-together. I never told her that I appreciated all my childhood memories in her house and with my grandma.
Maybe I'll see her in paradise.
I shouldn't care about genealogic matters but deep down inside I feel like half of me is inexistent. In ancient societies it was very important to know who you were, nowadays it doesn't matter. My only relief is that this system is coming to an end and in paradise I may be able to get some answers.
Until that day I comes, I have to sit in this class listen to my professor talk about something that I neither believe or have an interest on...
PS: Two people think that I was writing about Bunny. But I'm not so if you got to this sentence thinking that I would, then you're a NOOB!!!
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Staying Pink!
Its not that I am trying to make up for my absence but I might as well get this out of my head.
1. I wrote a blog that I cannot stand. Its stupid and its embarrassing and I wish I could take it down. I have a rule as a writer and that is that everything I write stays up. Nothing comes down and that is the end of it. I hate myself for doing this but then again, I blog what I feel and think at the moment so I cannot say that what I felt of thought at the moment was dumb. It is how I felt and that is it.
2. I put my first person on my 'reject call' list last week!!! This made me feel so powerful because I actually took control of my emotions which is a huge step into adulthood. I am an adult, I've been one for the past two (almost three) years, but, I don't feel it. I still feel 18 but a more tired version of 18.
3. Ever since I was in high school I have loved lists. I love making them and thinking of them and accomplishing them. I just love lists. It makes me feel organized because I am not. I am a mess. I will admit that my room is not always clean or picked up. Unlike my sister, I don't have the patience to put stuff away in perfect order every time it needs to be put away. My excuse is that my room is a refletion of what is going on in my head and therefore if my head is a mess, my life is a mess, and my room is a mess. I'm not lazy, I just have other more important things to do. One day I will get better at this, when I have proper furniture to fit things the way I want to.
5. December 18th 2012 was the day it was announced in my Spanish congregation that I was leaving to the French. However, I started going regularly on the first Tuesday of the month of November of the same year. So although my official anniversary is not until tomorrow, I can say that I have been one year in the French congregation and I feel super comfortable with the language. In fact, I'm so comfortable and I feel so encouraged by these lovely people that I am working towards my pioneer goal. Finally after being in the truth for eight years, it is happening.
6. Once again, I have come to the conclusion that in the U.S. healthcare sucks. This past weekend my sister had to be rushed to the ER because she kept vomiting all day. She could not even keep water down. They diagnosed her with a UTI and finally sent her home after then had poked and probed her and could no longer giver her medicine (after three shots and a liter of fluids). Then on Monday she texted me telling me she could not breath and had chest pain so again I had to rush her to the ER because she was wheezing horrible and bending from the pain. The doctors then decided they didn't think she had a UTI and it was just the Flu. I mean...12 years in medical school and you can't get it right with two urine samples and two blood samples, and EKG, a CAT scan and an X-ray? I cannot wait for the bill to come in. Seriously I was so scared and stressed and my poor sister is still feeling chest pain. What caused it? WHO KNOWS!!!
7. We've had such a cold winter this year just as I had predicted! Since this summer was not hot for Texas, I just knew it would be cold during the winter and boy was I right! My year has sucked so so so much but its nice to have something amazing happen.
8. I did not mean to write a list but this is what came out so oh well. I like lists. Also, I've become obsessed with online shopping since I get more coupons than I can use.
9. Much to my dismay I have realized that even though I love my job, I need a new one. With my recent medical diagnosis, which I don't like to talk about in detail, I have come to the conclusion that even though I am sleepy, I can function the whole day. I know this to be true because I did it in high school and my first two years in college. However, having a job with a split shift makes it ten times harder to stay awake. I need either a full time job or an afternoon job. I cannot do this split shift nonsense. My school issues have not stopped disappointing me. All my classes will be online until I graduate and here I am against home-school now having to do it. It sucks like no other. So home school, a split shift and my medical issues have made me realize that if I don't get a full time job or a non-split shift job, I will eventually crash at the wheel. Scary stuff.
10. My acne is getting better! But my hair is not. In May when I quit my old job I went crazy and cut my hair (not with my stylist) and she messed it up. Being the hair person that I am I got over it in like an hour and decided I liked it because everyone else liked it. Well that is with the exception of one person but he's not important. Finally my hair grew back to normality and I went with my stylist and she gave me the flirtiest bob I've ever had. I loved it like love at first sight. Then one day I didn't straighten it to see how it would look curly short. Except it didn't curl. That is when I realized something was terribly wrong with a section at the bottom by my nape. It felt like burned plastic. Of course I freaked out. I stopped straightening my hair to see if other parts were damaged and indeed there was a lot of damage. Heat damage (after I researched it) is not like frying your hair or ruining it because of hair dye or perms. Heat damage on curly hair is when your hair is not curly anymore. Well that is at least how I understood it. It happens after applying heat over a long period of time and the only way to get rid of it completely is to cut it all off. I'm not cutting it again. Don't get me wrong, I love short hair for many reasons but I also like my medium-long curly hair (never long, always medium-long). I've had bobs many times in the past and they always grow back to normality so this is the first time I have heat damage. After intense research I found that coconut oil and coconut juice will help the healing process ( and the regrowth). I will post a link at the end of the video that's helped me find a cure to my hair. I need a haircut now but I started with the oil and water and expensive shampoo and my hair feels silky. Its still not curly but at least its nice that I don't have to do anything to it because it just falls flat/wavy. I will continue to post about the progress of my hair as it gets better.
Curly Hair Heat Damage > This is the video that helped me identify my problem and how to solve it.
SunKissAlba > This is the link to the playlist of the YouTuber for the heat damage tips. I know my hair was never as curly as hers but I still had curly hair so I recommend her.
Stay Pink!
1. I wrote a blog that I cannot stand. Its stupid and its embarrassing and I wish I could take it down. I have a rule as a writer and that is that everything I write stays up. Nothing comes down and that is the end of it. I hate myself for doing this but then again, I blog what I feel and think at the moment so I cannot say that what I felt of thought at the moment was dumb. It is how I felt and that is it.
2. I put my first person on my 'reject call' list last week!!! This made me feel so powerful because I actually took control of my emotions which is a huge step into adulthood. I am an adult, I've been one for the past two (almost three) years, but, I don't feel it. I still feel 18 but a more tired version of 18.
3. Ever since I was in high school I have loved lists. I love making them and thinking of them and accomplishing them. I just love lists. It makes me feel organized because I am not. I am a mess. I will admit that my room is not always clean or picked up. Unlike my sister, I don't have the patience to put stuff away in perfect order every time it needs to be put away. My excuse is that my room is a refletion of what is going on in my head and therefore if my head is a mess, my life is a mess, and my room is a mess. I'm not lazy, I just have other more important things to do. One day I will get better at this, when I have proper furniture to fit things the way I want to.
5. December 18th 2012 was the day it was announced in my Spanish congregation that I was leaving to the French. However, I started going regularly on the first Tuesday of the month of November of the same year. So although my official anniversary is not until tomorrow, I can say that I have been one year in the French congregation and I feel super comfortable with the language. In fact, I'm so comfortable and I feel so encouraged by these lovely people that I am working towards my pioneer goal. Finally after being in the truth for eight years, it is happening.
6. Once again, I have come to the conclusion that in the U.S. healthcare sucks. This past weekend my sister had to be rushed to the ER because she kept vomiting all day. She could not even keep water down. They diagnosed her with a UTI and finally sent her home after then had poked and probed her and could no longer giver her medicine (after three shots and a liter of fluids). Then on Monday she texted me telling me she could not breath and had chest pain so again I had to rush her to the ER because she was wheezing horrible and bending from the pain. The doctors then decided they didn't think she had a UTI and it was just the Flu. I mean...12 years in medical school and you can't get it right with two urine samples and two blood samples, and EKG, a CAT scan and an X-ray? I cannot wait for the bill to come in. Seriously I was so scared and stressed and my poor sister is still feeling chest pain. What caused it? WHO KNOWS!!!
7. We've had such a cold winter this year just as I had predicted! Since this summer was not hot for Texas, I just knew it would be cold during the winter and boy was I right! My year has sucked so so so much but its nice to have something amazing happen.
8. I did not mean to write a list but this is what came out so oh well. I like lists. Also, I've become obsessed with online shopping since I get more coupons than I can use.
9. Much to my dismay I have realized that even though I love my job, I need a new one. With my recent medical diagnosis, which I don't like to talk about in detail, I have come to the conclusion that even though I am sleepy, I can function the whole day. I know this to be true because I did it in high school and my first two years in college. However, having a job with a split shift makes it ten times harder to stay awake. I need either a full time job or an afternoon job. I cannot do this split shift nonsense. My school issues have not stopped disappointing me. All my classes will be online until I graduate and here I am against home-school now having to do it. It sucks like no other. So home school, a split shift and my medical issues have made me realize that if I don't get a full time job or a non-split shift job, I will eventually crash at the wheel. Scary stuff.
10. My acne is getting better! But my hair is not. In May when I quit my old job I went crazy and cut my hair (not with my stylist) and she messed it up. Being the hair person that I am I got over it in like an hour and decided I liked it because everyone else liked it. Well that is with the exception of one person but he's not important. Finally my hair grew back to normality and I went with my stylist and she gave me the flirtiest bob I've ever had. I loved it like love at first sight. Then one day I didn't straighten it to see how it would look curly short. Except it didn't curl. That is when I realized something was terribly wrong with a section at the bottom by my nape. It felt like burned plastic. Of course I freaked out. I stopped straightening my hair to see if other parts were damaged and indeed there was a lot of damage. Heat damage (after I researched it) is not like frying your hair or ruining it because of hair dye or perms. Heat damage on curly hair is when your hair is not curly anymore. Well that is at least how I understood it. It happens after applying heat over a long period of time and the only way to get rid of it completely is to cut it all off. I'm not cutting it again. Don't get me wrong, I love short hair for many reasons but I also like my medium-long curly hair (never long, always medium-long). I've had bobs many times in the past and they always grow back to normality so this is the first time I have heat damage. After intense research I found that coconut oil and coconut juice will help the healing process ( and the regrowth). I will post a link at the end of the video that's helped me find a cure to my hair. I need a haircut now but I started with the oil and water and expensive shampoo and my hair feels silky. Its still not curly but at least its nice that I don't have to do anything to it because it just falls flat/wavy. I will continue to post about the progress of my hair as it gets better.
Curly Hair Heat Damage > This is the video that helped me identify my problem and how to solve it.
SunKissAlba > This is the link to the playlist of the YouTuber for the heat damage tips. I know my hair was never as curly as hers but I still had curly hair so I recommend her.
Stay Pink!
A Brick to the Head
There comes a time when people realize they have said too much and it is physically and literally impossible to take it back. Once those words leave that big hole on your face, it is too late. I'm not saying that its always a bad thing, but it can be. It can ruin so many things and spread so many rumors. Well today I realized I have a REALLY big mouth...
Not that I didn't know that already...but that's irrelevant.
So I was laying on the couch today watching one of my favorite shows when all of a sudden my sister tells me that one of our guy friends texted her asking her if we had had lunch yet. She replied no and then she tells me that he asked if she had gotten her burger (which she had been craving for a while) to which she replied no. Now, let it be noted that two days ago, I made him feel guilty for a certain thing and I told him he could make it up by taking us out to eat. Knowing how stingy he is, I figured he would say no and forget about it, but turns out that he actually invited us to eat. Pretty nice gesture of the guy.
He's sweet.
So there we were, the three of us, eating our burgers with our load of fries talking like the old friends we are when all of a sudden I bring up something that I was not aware that he was unaware of. Until of course I saw his reaction and I immediately said some profane stuff in my head. Big mistake. Before I knew it, he was laughing and making fun of me. Here is the situation (and a life realization I had a few nights ago)
I met this one guy we are going to call bunny. One day we were out in service and he started to talk about a recent natural disaster . He had this sad look on his face, almost like if he could see it in front of him but far away. Me being the childish person I used to be decided to say that in our town nothing exciting ever happened. "Not even a flood" I said. My mistake because he got so offended. It took me several years to admit that it was very imprudent of me to say that, but, ever since that moment something has bothered me. And I mean that to the very hardcore definition of the word. Not only that but it got a lot worse when all the girls started to have a crush on him. Too bad for all of them because I was the first girl he asked out to dance. Ever since that bloody day my mother has made it her goal to remind me every single day that I should look at guys like him as a dating prospect... More fuel for my loath!!! Then came my grandma and my aunts and they all agreed and pestered me with the idea!!! Then came two older (and married) friends who tease me every time they can on the matter!!! I don't understand why...but I can't stand the dude to save his life. I know its not his fault, he's never done anything to me except be nice. Honestly I appreciate him more than I'll ever admit but that's not the point.
[ I take that back...I can stand the dude. It just drives me nuts that so many people tease me when they know very clearly that I have other love interests. He's pretty cool and I have learned to like to be around him. I actually look forward to hanging out to see what kind of debate we will get into but then again, its hard to figure out what he's thinking...so I keep my distance.]
My mom always told me there is a fine line between love and hate. I always told her she was crazy. Well just the other night I was laying on my bed thinking and texting my best friend. I guess I was having one of those down moods. Anyways, she was telling me a few things to get me to think logically so she decided to come to my house so we could draft my "Perfect Guy List" (which I am thinking of making a blog of its own). With all that in mind I had to explain to her that I had a life realization. Its one of those BAM! moments that hit you like a brick falling from the sky out of nowhere. All I could think of was to get up and write this blog. Except this blog has taken me months to publish. And I mean months. As I had stated in another blog, the older I get, the harder it is for me to write because I am simply too busy or too tired. I know I have not been keeping up and trust me, I want to. Today when I logged on I realized that ever since I posted my blog link on my bio of my Instagram account, I have a ton more views. No longer is "no one" reading my blog... Which is why I really have to think extremely thoroughly what I am going to publish. Which is why this blog took months. So without further ado, here is my realization.
When you love someone you want to be with them all the time. You say gushy mushy stuff and talk on the phone and text. You also make promises to each other. Of course sometimes you get mad but in the end its all about compromise. Love is a lot of things but before it happens, one must realize that the person you love has the potential possibility to not disappoint you.
LET ME EXPLAIN BECAUSE I KNOW A LOT OF YOU ARE DISAGREEING!!!
People naturally expect people that they feel close to will never do or say anything to let them down. Technically this is not true all the time because we are all imperfect and make mistakes. Also, friends disagree sometimes, but I am not talking about imperfection and disagreement. I am simply stating that someone that you trust is not going to break your trust or hurt you. Simple. Of course, you can't go around trusting everyone in hope that they will keep your secrets. It takes time for a person to reach that relationship level with someone, and not just time, but actions. Actions define people more than words so when someone proves to you through actions that they deserve your trust and friendship then you move on to the next level. How close and how open you decide to be has nothing to do with this. Human behavior throughout history has proven that we are social creatures that like to be around other humans. We were created to have companions in our lives. So where does hate come into all of this?
Someone you hate will never disappoint you.
BAM!!! *brick to the head*
Love and hate are the same because someone you love is unlikely to disappoint you and someone you hate is unlikely to disappoint you. The two most powerful emotions in this world are basically the same thing. Amazing right?
Hating someone takes a lot of effort and thinking. It almost takes as much effort as loving someone. You have to think about it for a long time before you can honestly say that you hate something or someone (hate is a strong word and technically we shouldn't hate anyone...but strongly disliking someone is really what I mean). Having realized this and being able to finally word it in the most complicated of terms (because my goal is to confuse you enough so that at the end of this reading you will forget and not bring it up to me in person), I have come to the conclusion that if I like someone that I hate, its ok. In fact, its probably better because I won't expect anything out of the other person. I am kidding. No I am not. Actually I don't know.
Everyone around me is getting married or engaged or simply dating. I am talking about the people who I grew up with. People I used to play with as a child. I see this as a sign of me aging but I still don't want to fall into the dating culture. I will date when I freaking please it because I have better and more important things to do. Currently I am working on getting my B.A. in English with a Secondary Education certification so I can teach the children no one else wants to teach: pubescent kids. Also, I am a pioneer in training (YAY!!!) because I truly and honestly believe that I have the best congregation in the world and its been a year since I moved there ( it is actually December 17th 2013...remember I started typing this months ago so the date might be different). Lastly, I have not been to Paris yet. I must go to Paris before this world ends.
Well, that is my opinion and that is why I am writing this. A lot of things make sense in my head and only in my head. Dear reader, if you are reading this its because you are curious as to what I have to ramble about, or you are bored. Perhaps there is a 1% chance that you actually enjoy this nonsense even if it makes no sense or if I whine a lot (which I am aware that I do often) and if you do, I thank you from the bottom of my crazy heart.
PS, this is currently my most favorite song. Its sad and its not but it says everything that I am thinking right about this second. Love, Pink Lady
Not that I didn't know that already...but that's irrelevant.
So I was laying on the couch today watching one of my favorite shows when all of a sudden my sister tells me that one of our guy friends texted her asking her if we had had lunch yet. She replied no and then she tells me that he asked if she had gotten her burger (which she had been craving for a while) to which she replied no. Now, let it be noted that two days ago, I made him feel guilty for a certain thing and I told him he could make it up by taking us out to eat. Knowing how stingy he is, I figured he would say no and forget about it, but turns out that he actually invited us to eat. Pretty nice gesture of the guy.
He's sweet.
So there we were, the three of us, eating our burgers with our load of fries talking like the old friends we are when all of a sudden I bring up something that I was not aware that he was unaware of. Until of course I saw his reaction and I immediately said some profane stuff in my head. Big mistake. Before I knew it, he was laughing and making fun of me. Here is the situation (and a life realization I had a few nights ago)
I met this one guy we are going to call bunny. One day we were out in service and he started to talk about a recent natural disaster . He had this sad look on his face, almost like if he could see it in front of him but far away. Me being the childish person I used to be decided to say that in our town nothing exciting ever happened. "Not even a flood" I said. My mistake because he got so offended. It took me several years to admit that it was very imprudent of me to say that, but, ever since that moment something has bothered me. And I mean that to the very hardcore definition of the word. Not only that but it got a lot worse when all the girls started to have a crush on him. Too bad for all of them because I was the first girl he asked out to dance. Ever since that bloody day my mother has made it her goal to remind me every single day that I should look at guys like him as a dating prospect... More fuel for my loath!!! Then came my grandma and my aunts and they all agreed and pestered me with the idea!!! Then came two older (and married) friends who tease me every time they can on the matter!!! I don't understand why...but I can't stand the dude to save his life. I know its not his fault, he's never done anything to me except be nice. Honestly I appreciate him more than I'll ever admit but that's not the point.
[ I take that back...I can stand the dude. It just drives me nuts that so many people tease me when they know very clearly that I have other love interests. He's pretty cool and I have learned to like to be around him. I actually look forward to hanging out to see what kind of debate we will get into but then again, its hard to figure out what he's thinking...so I keep my distance.]
My mom always told me there is a fine line between love and hate. I always told her she was crazy. Well just the other night I was laying on my bed thinking and texting my best friend. I guess I was having one of those down moods. Anyways, she was telling me a few things to get me to think logically so she decided to come to my house so we could draft my "Perfect Guy List" (which I am thinking of making a blog of its own). With all that in mind I had to explain to her that I had a life realization. Its one of those BAM! moments that hit you like a brick falling from the sky out of nowhere. All I could think of was to get up and write this blog. Except this blog has taken me months to publish. And I mean months. As I had stated in another blog, the older I get, the harder it is for me to write because I am simply too busy or too tired. I know I have not been keeping up and trust me, I want to. Today when I logged on I realized that ever since I posted my blog link on my bio of my Instagram account, I have a ton more views. No longer is "no one" reading my blog... Which is why I really have to think extremely thoroughly what I am going to publish. Which is why this blog took months. So without further ado, here is my realization.
When you love someone you want to be with them all the time. You say gushy mushy stuff and talk on the phone and text. You also make promises to each other. Of course sometimes you get mad but in the end its all about compromise. Love is a lot of things but before it happens, one must realize that the person you love has the potential possibility to not disappoint you.
LET ME EXPLAIN BECAUSE I KNOW A LOT OF YOU ARE DISAGREEING!!!
People naturally expect people that they feel close to will never do or say anything to let them down. Technically this is not true all the time because we are all imperfect and make mistakes. Also, friends disagree sometimes, but I am not talking about imperfection and disagreement. I am simply stating that someone that you trust is not going to break your trust or hurt you. Simple. Of course, you can't go around trusting everyone in hope that they will keep your secrets. It takes time for a person to reach that relationship level with someone, and not just time, but actions. Actions define people more than words so when someone proves to you through actions that they deserve your trust and friendship then you move on to the next level. How close and how open you decide to be has nothing to do with this. Human behavior throughout history has proven that we are social creatures that like to be around other humans. We were created to have companions in our lives. So where does hate come into all of this?
Someone you hate will never disappoint you.
BAM!!! *brick to the head*
Love and hate are the same because someone you love is unlikely to disappoint you and someone you hate is unlikely to disappoint you. The two most powerful emotions in this world are basically the same thing. Amazing right?
Hating someone takes a lot of effort and thinking. It almost takes as much effort as loving someone. You have to think about it for a long time before you can honestly say that you hate something or someone (hate is a strong word and technically we shouldn't hate anyone...but strongly disliking someone is really what I mean). Having realized this and being able to finally word it in the most complicated of terms (because my goal is to confuse you enough so that at the end of this reading you will forget and not bring it up to me in person), I have come to the conclusion that if I like someone that I hate, its ok. In fact, its probably better because I won't expect anything out of the other person. I am kidding. No I am not. Actually I don't know.
Everyone around me is getting married or engaged or simply dating. I am talking about the people who I grew up with. People I used to play with as a child. I see this as a sign of me aging but I still don't want to fall into the dating culture. I will date when I freaking please it because I have better and more important things to do. Currently I am working on getting my B.A. in English with a Secondary Education certification so I can teach the children no one else wants to teach: pubescent kids. Also, I am a pioneer in training (YAY!!!) because I truly and honestly believe that I have the best congregation in the world and its been a year since I moved there ( it is actually December 17th 2013...remember I started typing this months ago so the date might be different). Lastly, I have not been to Paris yet. I must go to Paris before this world ends.
Well, that is my opinion and that is why I am writing this. A lot of things make sense in my head and only in my head. Dear reader, if you are reading this its because you are curious as to what I have to ramble about, or you are bored. Perhaps there is a 1% chance that you actually enjoy this nonsense even if it makes no sense or if I whine a lot (which I am aware that I do often) and if you do, I thank you from the bottom of my crazy heart.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
The Yellow Box
Its been maybe a couple of years since I took out that box and looked at its contents. And I am crying to make things worst. I mean...why? It was my decision to make things the way they are, although, deep down inside I have been hoping for the past three years to be wrong.
When I was a junior in high school, my biggest concern was to maintain my relationship a secret. We would wake up at about the same time, him for work and me for school. The best part about waking up was that he would always send me a good morning kiss. This seems like so long ago. I guess my mind blocked a lot of things because my heart was not willing to suffer the pain of the loss. To be very honest, I think I've forgotten most of it, which is why it doesn't bother me to write all this. This is just a faint memory I deal with... everyday.
There is one thing I do remember perfectly and that is the kiss competitions we would have. Its silly, I know, especially because they were just texts but honestly, back then, it meant the world to me. Most of the time I did outstanding in my classes. I was in a senior class, a college credit class, a second level language class, floral design, speech, and journalism. I had been told my sophomore year that my junior year would be my hardest, and yet, I found it my easiest year. My only worry was to pass my classes and to maintain that secret. Meanwhile, I wrote.
I had this notebook. It was little and with colorful stripes on the cover. That notebook was my everything notebook. In it, I wrote to him and myself. When class was boring, I would pretend to take notes in it; when I was bored, I wrote in it; when something happened, I wrote in it; when I needed to remember something, I wrote in it. To me it was like having him there with me. At first it was just me pretending, but later on I decided I actually wanted him to see how I 'had him next to me' basically all day. Eventually I started directing my entries to him.
That notebook was also numbered. It wasn't the regular pg. 1, 2, 3, etc. that you find in any book. Remember, this was about him and me. The pages were numbered backwards. Each number represented the days left until my 18th birthday, when we could finally be together. Sometimes I forgot to number (and date) the pages, so I would literally recount the days one by one. At that time it seemed like forever. It seemed like a lifetime, like it would never get there, or like time was not going by fast enough. Most of all, I craved to be by him.
The very few times we got to see each other were magical. I couldn't get pretty enough to my standards, and yet, when we finally saw each other, his eyes would talk to me. Only I could understand them. This trait I learned to master with him. Its true when they say the eyes are the mirror to the soul and sometimes, our souls speak louder than our words. His eyes would tell me I looked beautiful, that I was in fact the most beautiful girl in his eyes. He could tell me he love me with those eyes of his. He could just stare at me and not say a word the whole time. With those eyes I knew he was in love and so was I. I wanted so badly to hold his hand, to feel safe next to him. One thing he would never fail to do was whisper into my ear, loud enough for me to hear only, our secret. He would tell me "you look so beautiful," and instantly I would smile. He could make me smile with the most simple things.
We made a lot of promises and a lot of plans for the future. I guess that's what we would talk about on the phone or text. This is one of the things I can't remember well. I know we would text all day and talk during the night when everyone was asleep. I got caught maybe three times and of course, I lied and got in trouble but kept doing it anyways. Not a single person in this world could keep me away from him. In our phone calls he would sing The Scientist to me and sometimes wait until I fell asleep. He doesn't know it, but sometimes when I knew he was tired, I would pretend to fall asleep while he sent kisses until he hung up. I'd be awake but felt bad for keeping him awake since he was tired. I know I did most of the talking a lot of times. I talk a lot. He listened. We were both so good at having our conversations like that but sometimes I would get mad because I wanted him to tell me something. Gosh, I can't really remember why I would get frustrated so easily, I guess, like many things that were wrong with us, I was too young.
He really did mean the whole entire universe to me. He gave me butterflies just to think of him, he would bring smiles to my face in my daydreams. There was not a single second in my day that I did not think of him. I haven't loved anyone like that since then. I grew up and realized I wanted to pursue other things, I wanted to be young and innocent, I wanted to live life a little, I wanted to make mistakes and learn from them, I didn't want life to be predictable. Maybe I was being ambitious. Maybe I was scared. Maybe I wanted to be proven wrong. My life all of a sudden started going by so fast and it felt like I had no control to where it was going. I had wanted for three years to be with him. When he rejected me three times, I conformed with his friendship, as long as he was in my life I was happy. When it finally happened, it was the best time of my life. Unfortunately for me, once I felt like I could no longer breathe, I let him go.
I am so stupid.
Its too late now. We are friends again and I made him promise me he would never share our story with any of his future girlfriends, not even his wife. He is MY past and he had MY heart and no one has the right to have anything that is mine unless I give it to them. I wanted to remain a shadow in the past. No one ever stops to think of a shadow, its not important. All I have that I didn't destroy is a little yellow box with some things he gave me. I keep it locked and I hide the key where I won't remember. Its almost as if I wanted to keep that in the past, but I can't anymore. I am being replaced and the only thing that is still bonding me with him is that little notebook. I don't want him to have it because its like a sacred symbol of my love to him. A love that until now I realize, has never left me. Who knows where he keeps the notebook or if he still has it. I can't help to think that he does have it and he will keep it until that other girl gives him something, then that something will be the most special thing he has and it will replace the sentimental value that the notebook once had for the both of us. I can take being replaced, but that notebook means a lot more to me than what he can even begin to imagine. I cannot, and I repeat, I cannot live with the thought of being compared, or better yet, to have that present be compared or outdone by anything else. I have thought of it long and hard and I have come to the conclusion that if I don't get that notebook back, I will never move on and I will literally die of sadness. Let's be honest, no one I actually know reads this blog, so no one will ever know.
Now I can't stop crying...
When I was a junior in high school, my biggest concern was to maintain my relationship a secret. We would wake up at about the same time, him for work and me for school. The best part about waking up was that he would always send me a good morning kiss. This seems like so long ago. I guess my mind blocked a lot of things because my heart was not willing to suffer the pain of the loss. To be very honest, I think I've forgotten most of it, which is why it doesn't bother me to write all this. This is just a faint memory I deal with... everyday.
There is one thing I do remember perfectly and that is the kiss competitions we would have. Its silly, I know, especially because they were just texts but honestly, back then, it meant the world to me. Most of the time I did outstanding in my classes. I was in a senior class, a college credit class, a second level language class, floral design, speech, and journalism. I had been told my sophomore year that my junior year would be my hardest, and yet, I found it my easiest year. My only worry was to pass my classes and to maintain that secret. Meanwhile, I wrote.
I had this notebook. It was little and with colorful stripes on the cover. That notebook was my everything notebook. In it, I wrote to him and myself. When class was boring, I would pretend to take notes in it; when I was bored, I wrote in it; when something happened, I wrote in it; when I needed to remember something, I wrote in it. To me it was like having him there with me. At first it was just me pretending, but later on I decided I actually wanted him to see how I 'had him next to me' basically all day. Eventually I started directing my entries to him.
That notebook was also numbered. It wasn't the regular pg. 1, 2, 3, etc. that you find in any book. Remember, this was about him and me. The pages were numbered backwards. Each number represented the days left until my 18th birthday, when we could finally be together. Sometimes I forgot to number (and date) the pages, so I would literally recount the days one by one. At that time it seemed like forever. It seemed like a lifetime, like it would never get there, or like time was not going by fast enough. Most of all, I craved to be by him.
The very few times we got to see each other were magical. I couldn't get pretty enough to my standards, and yet, when we finally saw each other, his eyes would talk to me. Only I could understand them. This trait I learned to master with him. Its true when they say the eyes are the mirror to the soul and sometimes, our souls speak louder than our words. His eyes would tell me I looked beautiful, that I was in fact the most beautiful girl in his eyes. He could tell me he love me with those eyes of his. He could just stare at me and not say a word the whole time. With those eyes I knew he was in love and so was I. I wanted so badly to hold his hand, to feel safe next to him. One thing he would never fail to do was whisper into my ear, loud enough for me to hear only, our secret. He would tell me "you look so beautiful," and instantly I would smile. He could make me smile with the most simple things.
We made a lot of promises and a lot of plans for the future. I guess that's what we would talk about on the phone or text. This is one of the things I can't remember well. I know we would text all day and talk during the night when everyone was asleep. I got caught maybe three times and of course, I lied and got in trouble but kept doing it anyways. Not a single person in this world could keep me away from him. In our phone calls he would sing The Scientist to me and sometimes wait until I fell asleep. He doesn't know it, but sometimes when I knew he was tired, I would pretend to fall asleep while he sent kisses until he hung up. I'd be awake but felt bad for keeping him awake since he was tired. I know I did most of the talking a lot of times. I talk a lot. He listened. We were both so good at having our conversations like that but sometimes I would get mad because I wanted him to tell me something. Gosh, I can't really remember why I would get frustrated so easily, I guess, like many things that were wrong with us, I was too young.
He really did mean the whole entire universe to me. He gave me butterflies just to think of him, he would bring smiles to my face in my daydreams. There was not a single second in my day that I did not think of him. I haven't loved anyone like that since then. I grew up and realized I wanted to pursue other things, I wanted to be young and innocent, I wanted to live life a little, I wanted to make mistakes and learn from them, I didn't want life to be predictable. Maybe I was being ambitious. Maybe I was scared. Maybe I wanted to be proven wrong. My life all of a sudden started going by so fast and it felt like I had no control to where it was going. I had wanted for three years to be with him. When he rejected me three times, I conformed with his friendship, as long as he was in my life I was happy. When it finally happened, it was the best time of my life. Unfortunately for me, once I felt like I could no longer breathe, I let him go.
I am so stupid.
Its too late now. We are friends again and I made him promise me he would never share our story with any of his future girlfriends, not even his wife. He is MY past and he had MY heart and no one has the right to have anything that is mine unless I give it to them. I wanted to remain a shadow in the past. No one ever stops to think of a shadow, its not important. All I have that I didn't destroy is a little yellow box with some things he gave me. I keep it locked and I hide the key where I won't remember. Its almost as if I wanted to keep that in the past, but I can't anymore. I am being replaced and the only thing that is still bonding me with him is that little notebook. I don't want him to have it because its like a sacred symbol of my love to him. A love that until now I realize, has never left me. Who knows where he keeps the notebook or if he still has it. I can't help to think that he does have it and he will keep it until that other girl gives him something, then that something will be the most special thing he has and it will replace the sentimental value that the notebook once had for the both of us. I can take being replaced, but that notebook means a lot more to me than what he can even begin to imagine. I cannot, and I repeat, I cannot live with the thought of being compared, or better yet, to have that present be compared or outdone by anything else. I have thought of it long and hard and I have come to the conclusion that if I don't get that notebook back, I will never move on and I will literally die of sadness. Let's be honest, no one I actually know reads this blog, so no one will ever know.
Now I can't stop crying...
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Ten Years of Existance
She didn't need the traffic report on the radio to tell her that it would take the same 56 minutes to get from her office to the safety of her home. After all, she had been driving through that hell for three years. When the counselors talked to her class about all the wonderful perks of going to college and getting a diploma, they forgot to mention that working in a cubicle also included headaches of traffic. It wasn't like any day was any faster. Every afternoon after cleaning up her desk, she would get on the elevator, press the parking garage button, walk to her car, and hope so dearly that the traffic was just traffic and not a car accident. A car accident could take up an extra half hour or more depending on how severe the accident was. However, that was selfish, she thought, and yet cared not one bit. All she wanted to do was get home, take off her uncomfortable office clothes and lay on the couch just for ten minutes of relaxation. This afternoon was no different than the rest. She could not get on the carpool lane, just like the rest of the drivers. In moments like that she wished the city would build subways. No matter how crowded they got, they still circulated just as fast with no traffic. The heat outside was another factor contributing to her traffic headache. Her car thermostat read 101F. Even though the temperature seemed normally high, it felt worse. She could feel sweat running down her back, accumulating in a cloud right above her waist. Her AC was on high but the sun's rays penetrated through her windshield mocking her attempts to stay somewhat cool. No matter how hard she tried to drive fast, the person in front of her would eventually break bringing her to a slow stop.
When she reached her exit she felt relief. Almost instantaneously she felt cooler and more relaxed. Getting off the freeway was always a relief, especially in that heat. The slower her car drove, the harder it was for the AC to stay cool. In ten more minutes she would be out of that inferno and into the embracing arms of her couch, cool and welcoming. Ever since she started working at the firm, she looked forward to letting herself drop on that couch. Her weight was reflected in the wrinkles of the leather, but it didn't matter. To her, that was the only place she rather be. When she pulled into her driveway she saw Sally looking through the window. Her little hairy hands played with the blinds, her leathery mouth pouting in excitement. As soon as she opened her door Sally balanced herself on her knuckles making her way to her loving caretaker.
"Hello peanut! You missed me? I missed you too." The monkey seemed to care very little about the dialogue so she put her down at the smell of her dirty diaper. She could change it later but might as well do it then. Sally was a Capuchin monkey that her uncle had gotten her when she had turned 12. "Why a monkey?" she had asked her uncle. "Because there are a lot of those in Argentina, because your brother is allergic to cats, because you don't like dogs, your mother hates rats and reptiles carry diseases." "Fish are boring" she replied. And so that became the beginning of her friendship with the little ball of fur with big eyes. Sally was very docile, unlike most household monkeys. Since she had never broken or eaten anything, she felt comfortable enough leaving her to roam around her home in a diaper. Besides, Sally just liked to sit on top of the couch by the window waiting for her pull up from work. Her mother used to tell her that Sally would do the same thing when she was in school. When it was time to move out on their own, she felt secure with her monkey and yet anxious. Monkeys don't adapt to new environments or new people. However, her uncle had told her that Sally was a special monkey for a special girl, and special she was. Once they had settled in, Sally took a look around the place and decided she didn't much care for the new place. She also didn't ever mind people. Most of the time she would go into her room and wait for the people to leave. It was very obvious that for a pet monkey, Sally was indeed special.
After the dirty diaper routine she finally got what she had long awaited for. The couch. With open arms and a cooling sensation she let herself drop into the smooth surface. She closed her eyes, kicked off her heels and decided that today she would not make dinner. Without realizing, she fell asleep. It was in her mind that she feared to get lost the most. Lately however, she kept seeing his face but hearing someone else's voice. It was never the same dream. Most of the time, there was a lot of people she didn't recognize but they all seemed to know who she was. Today though, she wasn't in the dream. It was simply a flash of his face, no voice, and a cloud of gray. What seemed like a brief minute turned into an hour had it not been for Sally. She had settled on her stomach waiting for her owner to feed her. She looked at her phone and there she saw it. One new message. Hesitant, she put the phone down on the coffee table and walked to the kitchen to fetch Sally some apple slices. The message was on her mind, however, she refused to look at it. Filled with doubt and anticipation she decided to put it off after her bath. Normally she took showers but a shower would be much too quick and she was in no hurry. Sally followed her with two apple slices on one hand. She climbed on the toilet to jump on the sink where she would wait for the steam to start rising which would be her signal to leave.
While the bathtub filled up, she went to her room and got out her yoga pants, an old t-shirt and clean underwear. Everything about her day was routine except those messages. She waited all day for the notification to pop up and when it did, she ignored it for as long as her anxiety would allow. For the time she soaked in the tub she listened to Pandora. It was almost eight when she decided she looked too much like a raisin and it was time to come out. With a towel wrapped around herself she walked to the coffee table where she had left her phone. There were two messages now, one from her sick co-worker asking about the meeting she had missed. With as much detail as possible she answered and walked back to the bathroom. She got dressed, hung her towel and took a deep breath before opening the other text. She knew the answer she wanted to get but it was unlikely she would get that response.
They had met at a gala a year ago. It wasn't an awkward meeting considering the circumstances. The firm had thrown the fête in honor of the CEO's retirement. It was a grandiose event for a man that called it a night at ten. With lots of champagne left and a plenty of hors d'ouvres, nobody seemed to mind that the person being celebrated was the first one to go home. She was standing in a corner talking to some colleagues when she spotted an old college friend.
"Well I certainly did not expect to find you here out of all places."
"Of course not. You went back to your old girlfriend and I went in search of my career."
"You know that is not how things happened Jen..." He was right. Six years in college can do a lot of good and bad to a person, especially after they become legal. She looked down a little uncomfortable at the reunion. She had been lucky to live with her parents while attending college but the man standing in front of her had made many mistakes while enjoying his time away from his home.
"I figured after graduation that you would go back to Iowa."
"Iowa had nothing for me. I go there often to see my parents but I like it here. And I knew I'd run into you at some point if I stayed."
"What about Camille?"
"She's at the bar making friends..." There was an awkward silence with the tone of the word 'friends.'
"Well at least she can fit in everywhere. Anyways, why are you here?"
"I suppose we work for the same man. Your branch must be the legal department. Mine is marketing. I'm actually over on Main St. Its close to my department and Camille is planning to move closer to town. You're still living with your parents?'
She could say no right away but instead she bit her lip and lied. The guy in front of her had sat next to her in orientation day. He didn't introduce himself, he just sat there and commented on the dean's speech. In the following weeks she would run into him a lot to the point that she gathered the courage to ask his name. To her surprise, he knew hers but by that time they had stopped being strangers. The friendship bloomed to the point that she felt no need for a girl friend or a boyfriend. She had the best of both worlds with this guy, until he met Camille.
"I always knew you'd live there until you got married." She smiled. Her dress all of a sudden felt too tight and her knees weak. "There's someone I'd like you to meet actually." She had heard him say that all throughout college. Sure, there were some cute guys, some nice guys and some duche bags, but most of the time she felt that they only approached her because he told them to talk to her. It was a strange familiar sensation that ran down her neck, like a chill but not quite.
"This is Michael. He's our tech guy"
"Hello nice to meet you."
"Jenelle." She smiled thinking he was too formal and too good looking for a tech guy.
"Michael and I go way back. He used to live next door to me. Now we work together in this big city."
Up to a point she was relieved to be away from serious business talk. Working with lawyers was no ice cream sundae, but what was worse was having conversations with them outside of work. She didn't think of them as sharks or snakes, to her they were just people walking in a trance. After some small talk he left to take Camille home. Now it was just her and this Michael stranger. She thought best to head home too, after all, it wasn't the first time she had been ditched by the same friend to take his girlfriend home. The familiar sensation crept down her neck again. She had gotten rid of several guys before with the same line.
"Well this was great but I got a little one waiting so I better go."
"You mean your monkey?" She stopped smiling. Not two hours ago she had met this perfect stranger and already he knew more about her than most people she saw on a daily basis. Speechless, she looked at him in disbelief. "Steve told me about his college buddy with a monkey. All his college stories are with that friend of his. This strange girl with a monkey."
"Well then I guess now you know. I do have a Capuchin monkey who has lived with me since I was 12."
"I'd like to meet..."
"Sally"
"I'd like to meet Sally. I've already heard half the stories about you and Sally. I know you now so I'd like to meet Sally." She smiled at that, got up, shook his hand and warmly said "maybe."
Following that meeting came a lot of phone calls from Steve. Nowhere in her mind did the idea of a re-encounter fit. She was a busy woman: Four out of six day she would bring work home, she taught a kickboxing class on Saturday mornings and took a Mandarin class on Thursdays at the community college. Sally also kept her busy even though she was not a messy or destructive pet. Sundays she would spend the day at her parent's house and the rest of the time she liked to read novels. Her schedule had been like that for three years and she liked it. Physically and mentally it drained her and she told herself she liked that lifestyle. There were no distractions and no unnecessary worries. She liked the idea of knowing what to expect out of her schedule as ironic as it seemed. Truly though, she was screaming for change. In her many attempts at dating, she had found that not only did it make her nervous, it also seemed ordinary. She was like most girls who dream of their wedding but unlike the rest, she didn't want to try so hard all the time. Instead, she figured that if she kept busy all the time, she would be able to find excuses to avoid dating. When the time seemed right, she would know.
Steve, however, seemed to think it was always time. He seemed to think that her train was leaving and if she didn't make up her mind, it would be too late. His goal was to introduce her to the "right" one but after six years he had only introduced her to the "same" one. She wasn't interested in a guy who could tell just any girl they were beautiful and special. So far no one had managed to make her believe that she was indeed the most beautiful or the only special one. Now, a year later she could only think of one thing. Him.
She opened the message.
"Its for Steve," she read. "I know,'" she replied. A month ago he confessed his feelings towards her. They had been talking, unwillingly, after the gala and to her surprise, he was more amusing as a friend than a love interest. She was happy with that, there was no feeling of compromise and she knew he wasn't interested either. It was a relief for many months for both of them and they ignored their feelings until a month ago when he couldn't keep it inside anymore. She had given it a thought or two but had decided to keep it inside worried that the friendship might get ruined. However, they were past the point of no return when he kissed her one Friday night at her house. They usually went out to dinner on Fridays, except that Friday there were preparations being made in the city for a big parade and most places had closed early, so they went to her house instead. The kiss took her by surprise, it seemed to her like they had had too much wine, but when he apologized, she knew he was well aware of what he had done. He grabbed his tie and left her there sitting on the carpet with Sally watching from a distance. She had pushed him away after that and now the tables had turned on her. She couldn't get him out of her head and it was him this time pushing her away. Life works in strange ways, giving us a taste of goodness and then taking it away if we hesitate to enjoy it. She knew she wanted to go to Steve's bbq on Saturday. She knew she would be done with everything at work by the next morning. She knew she had told Steve she would go. What she didn't know is how to gather the courage to see him an entire afternoon and ignore her feelings the whole time. Even so, on Saturday afternoon she put on her khaki shorts, an denim sleeveless shirt, picked up her hair, slipped on some flats and with bright red lipstick she made her way to Steve's.
She rang the doorbell, waited a minute impatiently with her hands gripping on each other behind her back, and there he was, standing on the other side of the door smiling at her.
"Hi."
-I.M.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
A Very Broken Cake
It seems to me that the older I get the less I blog. Actually, that seems to be the case of other bloggers. Maybe its just the type of blog I follow. When I started to blog I had no idea what exactly this would turn out to be. Later it just became an analysis of people and life in general. Sometimes I wrote things I couldn't say outloud and sometimes I wrote as an outlet of my emotions. Techinically this could be considere my diary, except I chose to show it to the world. Frankly, I don't mind too much that people read it mainly because I know that no one really reads it. At least no one that I personally know. At one point I was writing for the boy who was my first relationship. Yeah I said it. I had a relationship.
I wish I would have been older when it happened. I wished I would have been ready. I really honestly wish that I hadn't been scared. I sort of wish I hadn't ended it as well. Only too bad for me because people don't stick around forever.
Lately I think too much about what I'm going to write and how I am going to write it. I doesn't come to me as naturally as it used to. It used to be so easy to just sit here and vent to my imaginary audience and I would feel good right after. Well I don't need to do that anymore. All I have to do is go to sleep. If I am sleeping I can't think of what is bothering me. I don't even dream about it. It just goes away and then I wake up and pretend the problem is not there until I am forced to face it again.
I've been observing a lot of couples lately. Then I found a meme saying "I talk about having a boyfriend but I don't even know what I'd do with one, like do you just kiss him and then leave him alone in a corner, how often does it eat?" So basically I realized that its not that I don't want a boyfriend. I mean who doesn't like to feel like the prettiest girl? Who doesn't want to be in someone's thoughts the whole day? Who doesn't want to feel the butterflies? The reality is that if I were to get a boyfriend I really wouldn't know how to treat it. Like, I wouldn't know what to do in a relationship. It got me to think how my summer is going and basically its been a bum.
My summer basically has consisted of me going to summer school, getting my heart broken, getting over it and not getting a tan.
I basically fell for my rock. Strong in every sense of the word. Gentle and funny. Caring, spiritual, honest. All the stupid cliche. Only too bad for me that the feelings were mutual and they didn't get closure. Its the stupid story of the guy who has goals and the girl who has goals and they can't meet halfway so they have a very awkward friendship. I feel so stupid you know? I am blogging about someone who played me and who took advantage of my feelings. Well that's how I feel at least. I give this guy too much credit, I gave him the benefit of the doubt only to have my feelings rubbed and mocked in my face. Overnight. I wish I would have done things differently, I wish I would have listened to my best friend, I wish I would have been more reserved and formal. I wish I would be in a foreign land so I couldn't communicate with anyone. That thought gives me a lot of happiness.
I've been doing well attaching myself to my new congregation. They were gone over the week for our convention. Unfortunatelly being the lazy sloth that I am, I had no money to afford the trip and had to suck it up in the spanish for a week. Even though it was two meetings and a service day it felt like an eternity. I am so glad they are back! This separation made me realize how whole I am with them and how much they mean to me. Its been good in the whole integration thing. Today for example I made a cake for the pioneer school. Only too bad that I had to drive it super far because the cake broke in four and it made a mess. Oh but did I mention it was the favorite and that everyone wanted to try it and take a piece home? That's because if I can do one thing well is baking. I know its unhealthy but its relaxing to me. I do it for therapy.
Since summer started and my favorite show is over for the season, I had to get into new shows. One of them is Girl Code. That show makes sense out of my life. No, actually it makes sense out of being a girl. My favorite so far is the code that says " exes are like a bad resume; you don't show them to new bosses." Its also given me the courage to speak my emotions rather than just writing them. It helped me especially in the situation with this last crush. We got some closure even though I don't think he fully understands why I am so offended by his behavior. But what's a broken cake unless it has good icing to cover up the cracks? It still tastes delicious. Well, what's a broken heart without a facade? You still have some fun in the end, or at least until the feelings go away completely. In my case I can say that I am being stupid because I still like the dude. A year later when I read this I will think I was so stupid, so technically I am writing this on purpose. Yes, I had a crush this summer and it lasted for a week. End of story. Oh and I make awesome cakes.
I wish I would have been older when it happened. I wished I would have been ready. I really honestly wish that I hadn't been scared. I sort of wish I hadn't ended it as well. Only too bad for me because people don't stick around forever.
Lately I think too much about what I'm going to write and how I am going to write it. I doesn't come to me as naturally as it used to. It used to be so easy to just sit here and vent to my imaginary audience and I would feel good right after. Well I don't need to do that anymore. All I have to do is go to sleep. If I am sleeping I can't think of what is bothering me. I don't even dream about it. It just goes away and then I wake up and pretend the problem is not there until I am forced to face it again.
I've been observing a lot of couples lately. Then I found a meme saying "I talk about having a boyfriend but I don't even know what I'd do with one, like do you just kiss him and then leave him alone in a corner, how often does it eat?" So basically I realized that its not that I don't want a boyfriend. I mean who doesn't like to feel like the prettiest girl? Who doesn't want to be in someone's thoughts the whole day? Who doesn't want to feel the butterflies? The reality is that if I were to get a boyfriend I really wouldn't know how to treat it. Like, I wouldn't know what to do in a relationship. It got me to think how my summer is going and basically its been a bum.
My summer basically has consisted of me going to summer school, getting my heart broken, getting over it and not getting a tan.
I basically fell for my rock. Strong in every sense of the word. Gentle and funny. Caring, spiritual, honest. All the stupid cliche. Only too bad for me that the feelings were mutual and they didn't get closure. Its the stupid story of the guy who has goals and the girl who has goals and they can't meet halfway so they have a very awkward friendship. I feel so stupid you know? I am blogging about someone who played me and who took advantage of my feelings. Well that's how I feel at least. I give this guy too much credit, I gave him the benefit of the doubt only to have my feelings rubbed and mocked in my face. Overnight. I wish I would have done things differently, I wish I would have listened to my best friend, I wish I would have been more reserved and formal. I wish I would be in a foreign land so I couldn't communicate with anyone. That thought gives me a lot of happiness.
I've been doing well attaching myself to my new congregation. They were gone over the week for our convention. Unfortunatelly being the lazy sloth that I am, I had no money to afford the trip and had to suck it up in the spanish for a week. Even though it was two meetings and a service day it felt like an eternity. I am so glad they are back! This separation made me realize how whole I am with them and how much they mean to me. Its been good in the whole integration thing. Today for example I made a cake for the pioneer school. Only too bad that I had to drive it super far because the cake broke in four and it made a mess. Oh but did I mention it was the favorite and that everyone wanted to try it and take a piece home? That's because if I can do one thing well is baking. I know its unhealthy but its relaxing to me. I do it for therapy.
Since summer started and my favorite show is over for the season, I had to get into new shows. One of them is Girl Code. That show makes sense out of my life. No, actually it makes sense out of being a girl. My favorite so far is the code that says " exes are like a bad resume; you don't show them to new bosses." Its also given me the courage to speak my emotions rather than just writing them. It helped me especially in the situation with this last crush. We got some closure even though I don't think he fully understands why I am so offended by his behavior. But what's a broken cake unless it has good icing to cover up the cracks? It still tastes delicious. Well, what's a broken heart without a facade? You still have some fun in the end, or at least until the feelings go away completely. In my case I can say that I am being stupid because I still like the dude. A year later when I read this I will think I was so stupid, so technically I am writing this on purpose. Yes, I had a crush this summer and it lasted for a week. End of story. Oh and I make awesome cakes.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
And the Walls Come Crashing Down
It finally happened.
When I was a senior in high school I liked this guy. Seriously one of the dumbest feelings in the world was to like a guy who did not believe the things I valued the most. Its not like he was a bad person, but in the end he was an outsider and that made things awkward. I didn't mean to start liking him, especially because I knew he was an outsider; actually, I wanted to match him with my friend. You see, she had never had a boyfriend before and we were about to graduate. I figured if I got to know him I would eventually find a perfect way to set them up. The only problem was that I did not know he had a girlfried. When I finally figured it out it was because the girl's friend went up to her to tell her that hey boyfriend was cheating on her with me. Me. I'm always getting into stuff because people don't stop to ask me anything. You see, the girl sat with us at lunch and heard me saying I was going to hook him up. She thought I meant me then went and told the girlfriend who then ran in the classroom and cried for the entire calculus lesson. At that point I stepped back realizing how much drama I had unintentionally created. A few days later they broke up and I was the go-to person for that boy. A few days later he got back with the girl. A few after they broke up again. For the time being I had started to speak to the guy in a more personal level. My friend being as uninterested as she was, left me talking to the guy. I mean, I really wanted to talk to him. That was it for a while, then he got a new girlfriend. By then I was already very confused. I was his go-to friend with all his girl drama. He wanted me to make him forget. I could do that. In fact, I did it very well. We could text all day and literally I would just sit there and wait for him to text me. He always did. I didn't feel special, I felt like just part of the bunch. I knew in my head that it would never happen to me, that it SHOULDN'T happen. He was an outsider. After he broke up with his new second girlfriend, he went back to the first. I was getting used to his game until he finally decided he didn't wan to play it anymore and dumped both the girl and the idea of a relationship. After all, he had me. I would do anything to get this boy to talk to me, to look at me. I never had the need to do that. At that point, I just chose to do that. I wanted to get to know him, all his good and bad habits, his dreams and aspirations, his hates and obsessions. So one day I tried calling him. We had a very awkward conversation. How could it be that in person and in text we could talk but not over a phone call... I figured I had no chance. I should just accept the idea that I was forever friendzoned. Until one day he said he liked me. I was frozen. I even remember that I was at McDonalds with one of my adopted cousins and my mom. We took the kid to the playground and I was supposed to be watching him Instead, I was having a panic attack because an outsider liked me and I liked him. I absolutely dreaded that monday to go in to school and see him. How was I supposed to act? What were we? What was I supposed to say!!! After first period I crossed him on my way to French class and had the biggest heart attack. He waved. I waved. We kept going. Didn't even stop to say hi. By fifth period I knew I would see him again so I delayed myself on purpose trying to avoid him. One day I came in late to school because I was getting some labwork done and when I walked in everyone was taking a test. He texted me after school asking me why I had to come in late looking all cute trying to get his attention...Again, major hear attack. Turns out that after several weeks of nothing, he went back to his first girlfriend. I realized then that I was not special to him. I was just the girl he went to when he had drama and wanted an exit from reality. Realizing this was not nearly as painful because we never were anything. He was simply an infatuation. I was his tissue... Two years later, after we had graduated and proceeded into our adult lives, he contacted me. He wanted to get in touch because he wanted me to give him a second chance. He said that the only thing he remembers from that time period was being happy because of me. He said I was the only one that could make him happy then. He asked me out on a date which I turned down. I mean, I grew up, I changed. You can't expect someone to hold on to feelings forever. It took me a whole week to get him to realize I was not what he wanted and eventually broke his heart. He didn't break mine in high school but I have left over feelings of being used by him. He used me to make himself feel better and at that point it was ok with me. I'm a conformist. I can conform with a lot of simple things. In high school I was afraid to have a relationship with an outsider. Now, I am afraid to have a realationship at all. But these things happen to make us realize we are human. Even writing about this makes me feel so stupid. Lamest story ever but it happened!
The one thing I have been avoiding for three years finally happened.
I literally feel broken in two. Not half, two.
One part of me tells me its the stupidest feeling in the world.
The other part tells me its ok. It tells me I am ready.
However, to my misfortune, I think I might have shut down and now its too late. I pushed someone away afraid that I might not be good enough once they got to know me. Well now I feel like in high school. I have all these mixed emotions. I have all these unsolved feelings. All I know is that this is not what I wanted. I have been a master of avoiding and blocking feelings out of my head and my heart because I want to concentrate on two things: French and College. Those two things are my priorites. No matter how much I tell myself that, part of me says its ok to feel the way I feel. One thing is for sure. Confirmed. Absolutely aknowledged. I got butterflies. Finally. After three years, I got those stupid butterflies. In all the time tha has passed since my last what-ever-you-want-to-call-it, I had not felt those freaking bugs on my stomach. Well if finally happened but I think I might have missed my shot. I think I screwed things up for myself the way I always do. The only thing left for me to do is to wait and conform. Meanwhile, I know I'm going to be losing a lot of sleep.
When I was a senior in high school I liked this guy. Seriously one of the dumbest feelings in the world was to like a guy who did not believe the things I valued the most. Its not like he was a bad person, but in the end he was an outsider and that made things awkward. I didn't mean to start liking him, especially because I knew he was an outsider; actually, I wanted to match him with my friend. You see, she had never had a boyfriend before and we were about to graduate. I figured if I got to know him I would eventually find a perfect way to set them up. The only problem was that I did not know he had a girlfried. When I finally figured it out it was because the girl's friend went up to her to tell her that hey boyfriend was cheating on her with me. Me. I'm always getting into stuff because people don't stop to ask me anything. You see, the girl sat with us at lunch and heard me saying I was going to hook him up. She thought I meant me then went and told the girlfriend who then ran in the classroom and cried for the entire calculus lesson. At that point I stepped back realizing how much drama I had unintentionally created. A few days later they broke up and I was the go-to person for that boy. A few days later he got back with the girl. A few after they broke up again. For the time being I had started to speak to the guy in a more personal level. My friend being as uninterested as she was, left me talking to the guy. I mean, I really wanted to talk to him. That was it for a while, then he got a new girlfriend. By then I was already very confused. I was his go-to friend with all his girl drama. He wanted me to make him forget. I could do that. In fact, I did it very well. We could text all day and literally I would just sit there and wait for him to text me. He always did. I didn't feel special, I felt like just part of the bunch. I knew in my head that it would never happen to me, that it SHOULDN'T happen. He was an outsider. After he broke up with his new second girlfriend, he went back to the first. I was getting used to his game until he finally decided he didn't wan to play it anymore and dumped both the girl and the idea of a relationship. After all, he had me. I would do anything to get this boy to talk to me, to look at me. I never had the need to do that. At that point, I just chose to do that. I wanted to get to know him, all his good and bad habits, his dreams and aspirations, his hates and obsessions. So one day I tried calling him. We had a very awkward conversation. How could it be that in person and in text we could talk but not over a phone call... I figured I had no chance. I should just accept the idea that I was forever friendzoned. Until one day he said he liked me. I was frozen. I even remember that I was at McDonalds with one of my adopted cousins and my mom. We took the kid to the playground and I was supposed to be watching him Instead, I was having a panic attack because an outsider liked me and I liked him. I absolutely dreaded that monday to go in to school and see him. How was I supposed to act? What were we? What was I supposed to say!!! After first period I crossed him on my way to French class and had the biggest heart attack. He waved. I waved. We kept going. Didn't even stop to say hi. By fifth period I knew I would see him again so I delayed myself on purpose trying to avoid him. One day I came in late to school because I was getting some labwork done and when I walked in everyone was taking a test. He texted me after school asking me why I had to come in late looking all cute trying to get his attention...Again, major hear attack. Turns out that after several weeks of nothing, he went back to his first girlfriend. I realized then that I was not special to him. I was just the girl he went to when he had drama and wanted an exit from reality. Realizing this was not nearly as painful because we never were anything. He was simply an infatuation. I was his tissue... Two years later, after we had graduated and proceeded into our adult lives, he contacted me. He wanted to get in touch because he wanted me to give him a second chance. He said that the only thing he remembers from that time period was being happy because of me. He said I was the only one that could make him happy then. He asked me out on a date which I turned down. I mean, I grew up, I changed. You can't expect someone to hold on to feelings forever. It took me a whole week to get him to realize I was not what he wanted and eventually broke his heart. He didn't break mine in high school but I have left over feelings of being used by him. He used me to make himself feel better and at that point it was ok with me. I'm a conformist. I can conform with a lot of simple things. In high school I was afraid to have a relationship with an outsider. Now, I am afraid to have a realationship at all. But these things happen to make us realize we are human. Even writing about this makes me feel so stupid. Lamest story ever but it happened!
The one thing I have been avoiding for three years finally happened.
I literally feel broken in two. Not half, two.
One part of me tells me its the stupidest feeling in the world.
The other part tells me its ok. It tells me I am ready.
However, to my misfortune, I think I might have shut down and now its too late. I pushed someone away afraid that I might not be good enough once they got to know me. Well now I feel like in high school. I have all these mixed emotions. I have all these unsolved feelings. All I know is that this is not what I wanted. I have been a master of avoiding and blocking feelings out of my head and my heart because I want to concentrate on two things: French and College. Those two things are my priorites. No matter how much I tell myself that, part of me says its ok to feel the way I feel. One thing is for sure. Confirmed. Absolutely aknowledged. I got butterflies. Finally. After three years, I got those stupid butterflies. In all the time tha has passed since my last what-ever-you-want-to-call-it, I had not felt those freaking bugs on my stomach. Well if finally happened but I think I might have missed my shot. I think I screwed things up for myself the way I always do. The only thing left for me to do is to wait and conform. Meanwhile, I know I'm going to be losing a lot of sleep.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Too Good for Everyone or Not Good Enough for Anyone?
LET IT BE NOTED THIS IS MY 100TH BLOG
It is yet again another lazy morning in my very prolonged break from school. Taking off a semester helped my realize two things
1. I need a better job
2. I am not a stay-at-home person
Not only was I depressed in the month of April, I was also desperate to figure out a really good topic to write in my 100th blog. I mean its an important achievement to my eyes because I've been at this blogging business for years now and after about one blog per month I have finally reached the 100th. There are however a few things I have accomplished in the time being
1. Got accepted to UHV
2. Improved my French
3. Made new and better friends
4. Realized I don't want to date until I am 25
5. Researched my ovary problem and found an excellent amount of information
6. Applied for Financial Aid
7. Saw a shooting star
8. Stood up for my rights at my current job
9. Got a new job that does things according to the law
10. I am writing my 100th blog
With all that being said and done, how come I titled my blog 'Too Good for Everyone or Not Good Enough for Anyone?' Well let me just say that I have been thinking a lot since January of this year. It happened while we were still in winter break and I had yet again, nothing to do. I was told I nagged a lot in this blog and that I should try to make this special blog funny or happy. Well if I wanted to be funny I would be a comedian so instead I am sitting here listening to Chris Martin trying so hard to make this a 'happy blog.' As far as it goes, to me it was a happy realization so to me this is a happy blog. Forgive me if I cannot please all the readers out there.
Anyways, so in January I accompanied one of my friends to get a medical procedure done, you know just for moral support and because she was so happy with anesthesia that she said a few unmentionable things. I have often thought that if I were in a hospital, who would I like to see. I don't really believe in everyone coming to see me because I tend to think people are being morbid and just want to see me out of curiosity. Hopefully my friend thought that we were there because we wanted to support her and not because we were being nosy. A few days later my parents celebrated their 30th anniversary so my sister, some friends and I decided it would be nice to throw them a party. Like all parties, things backstage went so bad but in stage things seemed ok. As for the people that showed up I consider them true friends because they supported our ridiculous idea and lack of good music. Turns out that as we were taking pictures someone decided to yell out 'sloth face'. Basically that is a perverted and stalkerish look. Of course its an inside joke so some people in the picture looked confused because they did not know what in the world a sloth face looks like. That was exactly what got me into thinking until finally yesterday when I reached my conclusion and decided to write about it.
Too many times I have written about friends and friendships. I guess its my topic of interest; unlike when I was in high school and my topic of interest was dating. I wish I could have realized this before I assumed that I was part of something special, a group. (This is the point in the blog that I get nervous and start to write around the subject so that people won't hate me...)
When I was in the 9th grade I met some very incredible people. Some of those people I am still friends with until today and I consider them my absolute friends because they put up with me in my crazy days...which is like everyday. I've admitted before to having a very difficult personality and it seems to me that the older I get the harder it is to tame me. I even told one of my friends that I would marry the man who could tame me and keep me ignorant of the taming. Well, in the 9th grade I was very young and dumb and naive. Everything was new to me. Like I puppy, I wasn't afraid of anything and I was open-minded and open-hearted. MY MISTAKE! If I had been a little more cautious I would have saved myself from a lot of heartache but alas, that is how I learn. Until this day I think I've struggled to literally keep people in my circle of friendships. It seems to me like everyone is on temporary stay. After a while I stop to actually look at people and start finding human error. MY MISTAKE! That is, until they do something to really annoy me and I just kinda slip away before they leave me hanging on a loop. I guess I expect too much of people because I am willing to do THAT MUCH for them too. That being said, I rarely give anyone the benefit of the doubt. MY MISTAKE!
The day I realized that I was being pulled into a group too exclusive for anyone, I put my foot down. Between pandas and bears, butterflies and princesses; between teasing and crushing; between lies and forgiveness, between sloths and twerking, I realized how sad and alone I felt being surrounded by this happy-go-lucky group. WHYYYYY!!!!! Why can't I just overlook everything and pretend! MY MISTAKE!
Six months ago I moved to the French congregation looking for something better. It took me about three months to integrate and finally I feel happy. I don't feel alone or like the new girl. I feel comfortable making mistakes and joking around. I feel useful and needed. I literally could not be happier with this decision. Of course in order to be part of a whole you must become the whole, so I decided I needed to go to more events with them so I went to the assembly. Boy was I in for a big loner break! I was surrounded by all these people who believe everything I believe in, all those loving people but I couldn't find anyone to sit with (all seats were taken). I started to panic and almost to cry. I was about to leave when I found a seat and decided to not move. I found my twin for lunch, ate with her and at the end I found myself alone again. AGAIN. As I was about to leave I got a text from my friend saying they were all upstairs cleaning so I ran upstairs and found everyone! Then we went to eat and I was super duper happy. Next week I had to go to the Spanish assembly and even though I was with a lot of my friends, again I felt alone. All these people I hang out with and talk to...and I just could not make myself fit. Its an invisible exclusivity. That made me think of January with the sloth face joke. So I finally realized when a group is too tight, there is no room for anyone else to fit in. Being physically alone and emotionally alone are different. In one you find yourself surrounded by strangers and in the other you find yourself surrounded with people you don't connect with. My saddest realization was that maybe I was being too tight myself. I want to have a lot of friends, but I want to know that the people I chose to be friends with are not too tight.
My conclusion is to be myself but be the best of me I can be. I am human error in the flesh and it is MY MISTAKE if I chose to change who I am when I am with one group or another. I strongly believe in personality and I cannot lower my standards for anyone. After all, we are Christians and there is no room for exceptions to the rules.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
A Little Bit Stupid
Sometimes I feel like certain things only happen to me. I sit there and think of all the other things that I wish WOULD happen and that they are NOT happening. Then something unexpected happens and I'm like "Really...? This would happen to me..." But I know its not true. I think life happens to everyone and its fair to everyone. Everyone has good and bad and weird and funny and sad.
Sometimes I don't know what to say. It happens to everyone; they think and think and think and nothing comes out. As a friend I think that is one of the most imortant things to have in a friendship. When two people love each other, it is also very important to know what to say.
I'm sitting here typing with my eyes closed trying to know what to say. I hear all these words in my head; I can hear them screaming, bouncing off the walls of my brian. I think and think and think and I hear what people are saying but I can't ever say then right thing. Sometimes I hear stories in my head and I have to wake up or stop what I'm doing to write them. I never finish them though because my mind goes completely quiet. As a result I have a lot of incomplete essays. The one I miss writing them most about is the one of Peter and Evelyn. That was a great story let me tell you. I'm not being cocky, I'm just saying. I created a character that makes men jealous and a couple that makes girls sigh. Evelyn is the girl in the story everyone can relate to and Peter is the guy every girl wants. In that story I always knew what Peter had to say to make Evelyn stop hurting or smile.I think I fell in love with him at one point and to be honest...I miss him. Or at least I miss the idea of him.
I don't even know what to say here anymore! I want to say so much to the people that I care the most about! I want to tell them that I love them that I need them that I care about them! I want to tell the people that are hurting me that I hate them that I can live without them and that I don't care! Time can do a lot of good or bad to a person. It can make them bitter and cold or mature and warm. Time does change people. Its up to the person to change for the good or the bad.
Mostly I hate myself for caring. I always care too much about the things that I should give little importance. Like when a very dear friend decides to wear off the truth. I really don't want to care, I mean, I won't pay the consequences, they will. I wish I could say the right things to change their mind, I wish I could forget every moment spent and every promise. I really don't want to care! I feel really stupid right now. Probably because I am, and I want so badly to wake up and not remember a single thing that has to do with that person place or thing. I pray one day things will be different. I pray really hard to forget and forgive. I pray for patience and understanding. I have nothing left to say. I let a lot of people down and I feel the weight of all that guilt drowning me.
My friend told me to stop writing sad blogs. The truth is, I don't think this blog was ever intended to be happy. I mean, its called Inner Look to the Smile, as in, there is something behind that smile I carry and its not always good. I can't ever say the right thing but I can definitely write the right thing. I have unfinished stories of all kinds, I have unwritten emotions and unspoken thoughts. When words run out, the heart speaks and silence gives in.
Sometimes I don't know what to say. It happens to everyone; they think and think and think and nothing comes out. As a friend I think that is one of the most imortant things to have in a friendship. When two people love each other, it is also very important to know what to say.
I'm sitting here typing with my eyes closed trying to know what to say. I hear all these words in my head; I can hear them screaming, bouncing off the walls of my brian. I think and think and think and I hear what people are saying but I can't ever say then right thing. Sometimes I hear stories in my head and I have to wake up or stop what I'm doing to write them. I never finish them though because my mind goes completely quiet. As a result I have a lot of incomplete essays. The one I miss writing them most about is the one of Peter and Evelyn. That was a great story let me tell you. I'm not being cocky, I'm just saying. I created a character that makes men jealous and a couple that makes girls sigh. Evelyn is the girl in the story everyone can relate to and Peter is the guy every girl wants. In that story I always knew what Peter had to say to make Evelyn stop hurting or smile.I think I fell in love with him at one point and to be honest...I miss him. Or at least I miss the idea of him.
I don't even know what to say here anymore! I want to say so much to the people that I care the most about! I want to tell them that I love them that I need them that I care about them! I want to tell the people that are hurting me that I hate them that I can live without them and that I don't care! Time can do a lot of good or bad to a person. It can make them bitter and cold or mature and warm. Time does change people. Its up to the person to change for the good or the bad.
Mostly I hate myself for caring. I always care too much about the things that I should give little importance. Like when a very dear friend decides to wear off the truth. I really don't want to care, I mean, I won't pay the consequences, they will. I wish I could say the right things to change their mind, I wish I could forget every moment spent and every promise. I really don't want to care! I feel really stupid right now. Probably because I am, and I want so badly to wake up and not remember a single thing that has to do with that person place or thing. I pray one day things will be different. I pray really hard to forget and forgive. I pray for patience and understanding. I have nothing left to say. I let a lot of people down and I feel the weight of all that guilt drowning me.
My friend told me to stop writing sad blogs. The truth is, I don't think this blog was ever intended to be happy. I mean, its called Inner Look to the Smile, as in, there is something behind that smile I carry and its not always good. I can't ever say the right thing but I can definitely write the right thing. I have unfinished stories of all kinds, I have unwritten emotions and unspoken thoughts. When words run out, the heart speaks and silence gives in.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
In Response to "Elliot"
Previously to reading Simple Minded Nonsense: Failure I had gathered some ideas for my upcoming post. I should have waited for February (I'm about to reach the 100th post!!!) but I feel like this idea in my head was overcooking. Then I read the blog above and thought, "hmmm....I shall write!" So thanks "Elliot." You will find that sometimes people write blogs in response to other blogs. Its part of the blogging world, not as critique but mearly as a response. I don't do these often, in fact I think I've only done it like two or three times? And its been done to me three or four? I don't know...anyways its not common but it happens. Welcome to the art of blogging.
So back to me! I was thinking on how many times I've embarrassed myself publicly. It actually happens a lot... Not because I am a socially awkward person, or because I'm dumb. It just happens! Like take the time that my sister and I thought it was ok to sing in front of an entire congregation. It was a song we had never heard before but we did it anyways. With our very bad voices. Oh and we messed up halfway through the song. Then there was that one time in the 9th grade when we were reading A Tale of Two Cities and I wasn't actually reading it, more like SparkNotes-ing it. Then we did these French research projects but I thought that the two cities meant we were all doing different cities or something. Well this one girl (the future validectorian and good friend of mine) had her project over Napoleon and at the end of her presentation I asked if Napoleon was French. No one ever forgot I asked that...
So yeah... I appreciate my friends very much because they put up with me and my embarrassing moments. My dad told me today that sometimes sincerity could be confused with envy. Well from my personal experience I can only say that I appreciate sincerity even in the worst cases. But how about when people lose their sense of loyalty? Are we obligated to continue being sincere? Or do we just let it go? Its a tough choice and I have personally concluded that no matter how bad things get, I will forever be sincere. A cruel reality can hurt but it hurts less than living a lie. Right? Then again when the loyalty is lost there is no compromise. It becomes a game of pretend. This game I call:
"The I'm-pretending-you-don't-know-that I know-you-are-ignoring-me game"
RULES:
-be as fake as you can
-be as superficial as you can
-be as cowardly as you can
This game is very common between girls but sometimes guys like to play it too. Geez, I've become obsessed with loyalty these days. I feel like a dog. Honestly I have accomplished many things that I am very proud of. I think I only want to share those golden moments with people who honestly love me and would do anything for me (as I would for them). People who know where their sense of loyalty lays..
So back to me! I was thinking on how many times I've embarrassed myself publicly. It actually happens a lot... Not because I am a socially awkward person, or because I'm dumb. It just happens! Like take the time that my sister and I thought it was ok to sing in front of an entire congregation. It was a song we had never heard before but we did it anyways. With our very bad voices. Oh and we messed up halfway through the song. Then there was that one time in the 9th grade when we were reading A Tale of Two Cities and I wasn't actually reading it, more like SparkNotes-ing it. Then we did these French research projects but I thought that the two cities meant we were all doing different cities or something. Well this one girl (the future validectorian and good friend of mine) had her project over Napoleon and at the end of her presentation I asked if Napoleon was French. No one ever forgot I asked that...
So yeah... I appreciate my friends very much because they put up with me and my embarrassing moments. My dad told me today that sometimes sincerity could be confused with envy. Well from my personal experience I can only say that I appreciate sincerity even in the worst cases. But how about when people lose their sense of loyalty? Are we obligated to continue being sincere? Or do we just let it go? Its a tough choice and I have personally concluded that no matter how bad things get, I will forever be sincere. A cruel reality can hurt but it hurts less than living a lie. Right? Then again when the loyalty is lost there is no compromise. It becomes a game of pretend. This game I call:
"The I'm-pretending-you-don't-know-that I know-you-are-ignoring-me game"
RULES:
-be as fake as you can
-be as superficial as you can
-be as cowardly as you can
This game is very common between girls but sometimes guys like to play it too. Geez, I've become obsessed with loyalty these days. I feel like a dog. Honestly I have accomplished many things that I am very proud of. I think I only want to share those golden moments with people who honestly love me and would do anything for me (as I would for them). People who know where their sense of loyalty lays..
Monday, January 21, 2013
30 Years ago...
Muchos se pregutaran como es posible que mis padres sindon todavia tan jovenes tengan treinta años de matrimonio. Bueno eso es por que su historia comenzo hace mas de treinta años. Les he oido contarla muchas veces y creo que es la historia mas cursi y romantica que he oido. Aun asi quisiera contarles como un niño nerd y una niña deportista llegaron hasta el dia de hoy.
Arturo era el niño con peinado de Alfalfa que pasaba frente a la casa de mi tia todos los dias despues de la escuela. Ella lo detestaba, con su cabello que no se le movia ni un pelo. Un dia, cuando Margarita visitaba la casa de su prima, ella le comento del niño que le chocaba y esperaron junto a la ventana para verlo pasar. Muy puntual paso por la casa y Margarita no le vio nada de malo pero por no llevarle la contraria a su prima acordo con ella que el era chocante. Por fin un dia en el parque paso algo inesperado. Margarita y su prima estaban en el parque jugando basketball. Llegaron dos niños y uno de ellos era Arturo, pero no se atrevia a hablar porque quedo cautivado por Margarita. Su amigo se atrevio a preguntarle a las niñas si podian jugar y por supuesto la prima de margarita dijo que no. Margarita dijo que si, y por fin jugaron. La prima de Margarita la acuso cuando llegaron a casa pero era muy tarde, tambien quedo flechada de amor.
Pasaron los años y los dias de amigos de niñez se convirtieron en dias de novios de juventud. Margarita a los 17 años y Arturo a los 18, se casaron. Ni la prima de Margarita los pudo detener. Diez años mas tarde vino su primera hija y un año nueve meses despues vino su segunda hija. Llenos de alegria les infundieron a sus hijas valores que han mantenido a su familia muy junta. Tan junta que quando tenian 8 y 6 años las niñas, Margarita les pregunto si querian que su papa se fuera a Estados Unidos solo o si se iban juntos como familia. Por fin, en Septiembre del 2001, empacaron sus maletas y llegaron a Houston listos para una vida nueva.
Lo mas importante de esta historia fue el dia que Margarita decidio que sus hijas no tenian conceptos religiosos. Ella ya habia tenido contacto con los Testigos de Jehova en su adolescencia. Jehova, quien sabia lo que habia en el corazon de Margarita, la acerco a una compañera de trabajo Testigo de Jehova. Que le pregunto? Que le explicara la profecia del rey del norte y del sur...lo mas facil que se le pudo ocurrir...
Margarita asistio al memorial ese año con sus hijas solamente porque arturo se negava dejar de ser Catolico. No fue hasta un dia que visitaban familiares testigos que Arturo hizo muchas preguntas. Tantas, que de regreso a su casa le dijo a Margarita que debian estudiar la biblia con los Testigos. La congregacion los acojio tan bien que ya no hubo vuelta atras. Satanas les puso muchas piedras en el camino pero no suficientes para hacerlos tropezar. Por fin, el dia 31 de octubre del año 2004 dedicaron su vida a Jehova. Han sido los 8 años y 3 meses mas felices de esta familia. Jehova nos ha bendecido en muchas ocasiones, pero la bendicion mas grande que hemos tenido es ser esta familia. Ilse y yo les agradecemos muchisimo todo su apoyo fisico, emocional y sobre todo espiritual. Nos criaron de la mejor forma y gracias a su crianza puedo decir con seguridad que esta familia no puede ser mas feliz. Los quiero muchisimo y espero que su amor no dure solo en este sistema, sino por toda la eternidad.
Arturo era el niño con peinado de Alfalfa que pasaba frente a la casa de mi tia todos los dias despues de la escuela. Ella lo detestaba, con su cabello que no se le movia ni un pelo. Un dia, cuando Margarita visitaba la casa de su prima, ella le comento del niño que le chocaba y esperaron junto a la ventana para verlo pasar. Muy puntual paso por la casa y Margarita no le vio nada de malo pero por no llevarle la contraria a su prima acordo con ella que el era chocante. Por fin un dia en el parque paso algo inesperado. Margarita y su prima estaban en el parque jugando basketball. Llegaron dos niños y uno de ellos era Arturo, pero no se atrevia a hablar porque quedo cautivado por Margarita. Su amigo se atrevio a preguntarle a las niñas si podian jugar y por supuesto la prima de margarita dijo que no. Margarita dijo que si, y por fin jugaron. La prima de Margarita la acuso cuando llegaron a casa pero era muy tarde, tambien quedo flechada de amor.
Pasaron los años y los dias de amigos de niñez se convirtieron en dias de novios de juventud. Margarita a los 17 años y Arturo a los 18, se casaron. Ni la prima de Margarita los pudo detener. Diez años mas tarde vino su primera hija y un año nueve meses despues vino su segunda hija. Llenos de alegria les infundieron a sus hijas valores que han mantenido a su familia muy junta. Tan junta que quando tenian 8 y 6 años las niñas, Margarita les pregunto si querian que su papa se fuera a Estados Unidos solo o si se iban juntos como familia. Por fin, en Septiembre del 2001, empacaron sus maletas y llegaron a Houston listos para una vida nueva.
Lo mas importante de esta historia fue el dia que Margarita decidio que sus hijas no tenian conceptos religiosos. Ella ya habia tenido contacto con los Testigos de Jehova en su adolescencia. Jehova, quien sabia lo que habia en el corazon de Margarita, la acerco a una compañera de trabajo Testigo de Jehova. Que le pregunto? Que le explicara la profecia del rey del norte y del sur...lo mas facil que se le pudo ocurrir...
Margarita asistio al memorial ese año con sus hijas solamente porque arturo se negava dejar de ser Catolico. No fue hasta un dia que visitaban familiares testigos que Arturo hizo muchas preguntas. Tantas, que de regreso a su casa le dijo a Margarita que debian estudiar la biblia con los Testigos. La congregacion los acojio tan bien que ya no hubo vuelta atras. Satanas les puso muchas piedras en el camino pero no suficientes para hacerlos tropezar. Por fin, el dia 31 de octubre del año 2004 dedicaron su vida a Jehova. Han sido los 8 años y 3 meses mas felices de esta familia. Jehova nos ha bendecido en muchas ocasiones, pero la bendicion mas grande que hemos tenido es ser esta familia. Ilse y yo les agradecemos muchisimo todo su apoyo fisico, emocional y sobre todo espiritual. Nos criaron de la mejor forma y gracias a su crianza puedo decir con seguridad que esta familia no puede ser mas feliz. Los quiero muchisimo y espero que su amor no dure solo en este sistema, sino por toda la eternidad.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Tinie Tiny
Misanthropy.
I like that word.
I think I have to do some re-evaluation of the people in my life and the things they stand for.
I think its time for change.
I like that word.
I think I have to do some re-evaluation of the people in my life and the things they stand for.
I think its time for change.
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