Some of you may know that I have a miniature french poodle named April. She thinks she is a cat. Also, I diagnosed her with schizophreni and hates bows but allows us to put sweaters on her when its cold. Yep, that's the doggie I love. She absolutely loves her toys, especially a colorful worm I call Squeeker. Like any other canine, she likes to chew her bone, bark at the doorbell and run around like crazy. Oh and she makes a scary face when she is very happy... which I find very unusual.
April hides under the bed a lot. She does it when she's in trouble, when she's about to get a bath, and mostly when she is scared or angry.
April has trust issues because any stranger that she meets she will run away from. She will fight for her life when anyone tries to even pet her. She won't bite, in fact, I don't think she even knows how to bite and she won't bark. She'll just run away. Well, I was thinking I'm like April. Lately I've found myself in situations when I literally just want to run away. Technically, I did in one certain occasion.
I've done some thinking about nice people and I've decided there are two kinds of nice: cheesy and non-cheesy. The cheese kind are too nice, attach too soon and are mushy and clingy. No one likes those kind of nice. The non-cheesy know when to be nice and when to get real. They are the fruit of the earth and get along with everyone, they are everyone's best friend.
Then comes the time when big groups gather for an activity. Don't get me wrong, I have always thought the more the merrier. I love going out in big groups! However, put me in a big group of strangers and I shrink. My personality goes into this tiny box. So I sit and listen and make a comment here and there. I smile, and laugh when necessary and in the end, all goes well. I fail at shinning in society... I guess deep down inside I will always and forever be shy.
When I was in kindergarten I had friends. I can't remember how I made those friends. It's weird because I remember crying on my first weeks of school, I rememeber being so nervous I'd throw up, and I remember not talking to anyone. Then there were friends. I'd be friends with everyone in the class but of course I'd have my closer friends. Every year was the same until 8th grade. I can only rember how I started to branch out and it was not in the coolest way.( Stalking some may call it but that's another story.) So I am sitting here wondering how one makes friends. Like, smile and talk? Talk about what? Myself? Them? The weather? The party? I don't know... I guess some people I can talk to really good but in general, I don't know what to say. Ever. Which is funny because I wrote a blog about my friend thinking I always know what to say...
I don't know how to make friends. I'm super shy. Like, run-away-and-hide-shy. Whyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!! Its so frustrating because I really want to know how I made friends with the people that I am friends with! I also want to know how it is that we stayed friends all this time. But I can't interview myself for a social experiment. So in the end I fail.
What's really sad though is when you find out your friends don't really like you afterall... Even worse is that they don't have the nerve to tell you in your face:
"Hey, you're annoying."
"Oh you think so? How come?"
"Oh I don't know...you're just so.... pink"
"OK well thanks for your honesty"
In real life it sounds like this:
"you know so-and-so is so annoying"
"why?"
"Oh I dont know...they are just so...pink"
"oh"
Yeah...people change.
Which is why I hearby want to promise to all my REAL friends that I refuse to be that dishonest person. I hearby promise to tell the truth and nothing but the truth in your face.
In order to get away from everything, I may need to do some adjustments; you can't be nice to everyone you know? I've also decided to branch out, and although I am physically alone, I know I have my family to support me. My real friends too; they are genuinely proud of me. So I'm in the French congregation now...EEK!!!
Monday, December 24, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
Dopamine
I learned this in psych over the summer:
Bipolar people tend to have weird dopamine levels. Dopamine is the hormone our bodies produce that give us that "happy" feeling. Therefore, in order to compensate for the abnormal levels of dopamine in a bipolar person, doctors usally prescribe them dopamine drugs so they are "happy". Dopamine however is addicting. Eventually the doses need to be increased and then you end up being high on this drug that when it wears off, you crash. They become unstable and depressed and even have suicidal thoughts. Bipolar people suffer a lot becase they cannot control their states and periods of time of happiness or sadness. That, simply, just hurts.
Or something along those lines. That sounds about accurate so I will use dopamine today to respond to What's the meaning of this? You see reader, there are a lot of ways that people can be forgotten. One of them is not dying. I say this because when someone dies, they cannot be replaced. They obtain the ultimate irreplaceable status. However, anyone CAN be replaced when they turn into a dopamine friendship. This kind of friendship is absolutely the most dangerous one because you cannot discern when things are ok and when they are not. It's like being on a high of happiness and all your senses are blurred and you cannot tell when those friends are actually hurting you more than what they are helping you.
Take for example what has happened to me lately. For a very long time, I've felt like I didn't belong to a group. I really wanted to be part of something special, I wanted to be in a family of friends like on TV (yeah yeah its cheesy, so what?!) Over the years, I've had many friends, some that I became really close to very fast and later turned into toxic friendships. Those are the kind that hurt you right away like poison. I've also had older friendships that I can count on for anything. Then there are those acquaintance friendships that I only see on a full moon. There are my long-distance frienships, my spiritual friendships and my party friendships. However, I still felt like a stranger. They say that if you can count one friend in one hand, you're lucky. I didn't think this to make sense until recently when I realized that friendship is not about hanging out and having fun. Its not about talking or knowing about someone's past. Friendship is about never giving up one someone's imperfections.
Dopamine friendships are different on a different scale.
When I was little I thought I would stay friends forever with my school friends. Turns out that all I have from them is a picture and some fun memories. I don't have any childhood friends. I only have friends that date back to my high school years and one friend that dates back to my junior high years. What that tells me is that if my friendships are not stable NOW, I won't be friends with them in four or five years.
Honestly I think that is what is going to happen with my dopamine friendships. I can just see it all blow over in a couple of years. Right now it all seems so good and happy and perfectly fun. Yeah, well that is until all the lies started to sprout like weeds on a very pretty garden. Its all full of beautiful flowers all over and at first you can't see the weeds, all you can focus on are the flowers. However, if you look closely, you will see the weeds growing. Weeds grow fast and if they are not pulled by the root, they keep growing.
Just beause I feel happy right now, just because I feel part of something special, of a group, that doesnt' mean anything. All tha means is that for now, I have people to lean on when I want to hang out. But what do they know of me? What do they know about my difficult attitude? I mean my personallity is they kind that you either like or hate. There is no in between. And let's not even begin on my multiple crushes all at the same time. Or how about my dirty past? Everyone has a dirty past, but will they take me for my mistakes? I'm on a dopamine friendship high right now, but what about when I crash. When the dopamine stops coming into my body, will I be depressed, just like real dopamine?
I don't want dopamine friendships. I just want real friends. Not like the friends in the Young People Ask video. I mean, those are nice, but they are somewhat superficial. My mom is always telling me to expand my group of friends. Then she tells me not to trust people. Well...that is a very big conflict and I'm like, " how the heck to I make friends???" I can't remember how it happened with some of my recent real friends. I just know that one day I woke up, I was at the right place at the right time and then it just happened. It was like finding money in your jeans out of nowhere. Well...I'm here to stay.
I'm liking this video tagging thing on my blog :) All rights to the author(s)!!! No copyright intended.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
On Being Invisible
I really like old people. For a long time I didn't like old people because they smell funny and complain a lot about their illnesses. Technically I had not really met all the cool old people. I mean, my grandparents are really neat and all but really they count on a different level. I love them very very much but its different with them.
I really don't know how to write this blog because I thought I did but turns out I don't. You see reader, old people are wise. They have lived life in every shape and they know what's up. I love talking to old people and asking them what things were like and just listening. I think that's the only way I know how to shut up and actually listen...
Old is good.
I never thought I would appreciate having old friends. Now don't take me wrong, by old I don't mean 52, I just mean older than me. Usually people who are are least 2-4 years older than me tend to be right all the time. The same goes for me having younger friends, I'm always right. Basically its the "been there, done that" situation. I didn't think I would mind age differences but lately turns out I do. I don't like to babysitt and I don't like to be babysitted. Humans like their freedom, which is actually something we don't do too well with. We are born to be ruled, so technically, we cannot be free ever.
So what happens when I'm wrong??? I sit here and blog. That's what happens.
Tonight I'm blogging about old people and friendships because I have come to find that I like being wrong. Yeah, yeah, I may not show it but that does not mean anything. What counts is how I feel inside. Actually, that goes for everyone and everything. Its not about words, its about actions. Tonight I am thinking on how wrong I have been in thinking that I could settle a deal with a guy and keep it. Well I'm stupid.
Anyone who has known me for about a day knows that I cannot contain my expressions and emotions. If I'm sad I cry, if I'm happy I laugh, if I'm comfortable I fart, if I'm lazy I wear no make-up, if I'm angry I overreact. I'm no mystery at all!!! In fact, I tend to open up to the wrong people. That makes me sad. I'm still as naive as I was three years ago if not more. Who am I to kid? I'm absolutely nothing outstanding! Plain is good for me, in fact, I actually like being invisible.
My invisibility is my absoulte shield against the forces of guys' evil. It keeps me off the radar and in a very safe friend zone. I like that!! I mean, I've got goals and if I go under the radar, then I have to pick between my goals or that other 'r' word.
*blegh*relationship*yuck* *shivers*
I don't want a relationship. I mean I do, just not now. I like the way things are going now. I mean, good things don't happen to me but I take mediocre. Except this time I'm actually having fun! I feel like I'm beginning to live my life. I'm laughing, I'm meeting people, I'm going places, I'm doing things, I'm going above and beyond and I even break the rules!!! I am as happy as I get.
I also don't like to be led on. Which is why I'm glad I have old friends to keep me with my feet on the gound. I can't say I can't wait to be old, but I certainly appreciate wisdom.
The Story by Brandi Carlile
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I really don't know how to write this blog because I thought I did but turns out I don't. You see reader, old people are wise. They have lived life in every shape and they know what's up. I love talking to old people and asking them what things were like and just listening. I think that's the only way I know how to shut up and actually listen...
Old is good.
I never thought I would appreciate having old friends. Now don't take me wrong, by old I don't mean 52, I just mean older than me. Usually people who are are least 2-4 years older than me tend to be right all the time. The same goes for me having younger friends, I'm always right. Basically its the "been there, done that" situation. I didn't think I would mind age differences but lately turns out I do. I don't like to babysitt and I don't like to be babysitted. Humans like their freedom, which is actually something we don't do too well with. We are born to be ruled, so technically, we cannot be free ever.
So what happens when I'm wrong??? I sit here and blog. That's what happens.
Tonight I'm blogging about old people and friendships because I have come to find that I like being wrong. Yeah, yeah, I may not show it but that does not mean anything. What counts is how I feel inside. Actually, that goes for everyone and everything. Its not about words, its about actions. Tonight I am thinking on how wrong I have been in thinking that I could settle a deal with a guy and keep it. Well I'm stupid.
Anyone who has known me for about a day knows that I cannot contain my expressions and emotions. If I'm sad I cry, if I'm happy I laugh, if I'm comfortable I fart, if I'm lazy I wear no make-up, if I'm angry I overreact. I'm no mystery at all!!! In fact, I tend to open up to the wrong people. That makes me sad. I'm still as naive as I was three years ago if not more. Who am I to kid? I'm absolutely nothing outstanding! Plain is good for me, in fact, I actually like being invisible.
My invisibility is my absoulte shield against the forces of guys' evil. It keeps me off the radar and in a very safe friend zone. I like that!! I mean, I've got goals and if I go under the radar, then I have to pick between my goals or that other 'r' word.
*blegh*relationship*yuck* *shivers*
I don't want a relationship. I mean I do, just not now. I like the way things are going now. I mean, good things don't happen to me but I take mediocre. Except this time I'm actually having fun! I feel like I'm beginning to live my life. I'm laughing, I'm meeting people, I'm going places, I'm doing things, I'm going above and beyond and I even break the rules!!! I am as happy as I get.
I also don't like to be led on. Which is why I'm glad I have old friends to keep me with my feet on the gound. I can't say I can't wait to be old, but I certainly appreciate wisdom.
The Story by Brandi Carlile
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Breaking Newton's Laws
A long long time ago in a land far far away there lived a little girl. That little girl had one dream; to be able to drive anywhere in the kigndom to see all kinds of places and meet all kinds of people. Then one day came the ugly witch and cursed her with a bad sense of direction. Everywhere she went, she got lost. She could never remember which way she came from and many times, she could not make it back home until circling the area for hours. Then one day came the fairy god-mother and told her she could break the curse. So the fary god-mother gave her a talking map of the kingdom and the little girl never got lost again. She met lots of lovely people and traveled to far away places. And she lived happily ever after. The end.
I need a GPS before I keep traveling the city...I'm tired of getting lost going to the same places. If I'm going to widen my friendship circle, I need to be able to go everywhere and know how to get back home. This is a short blog, but only because by the end of the day I don't have a fary god-mother to grant me my wishes.
I need a GPS before I keep traveling the city...I'm tired of getting lost going to the same places. If I'm going to widen my friendship circle, I need to be able to go everywhere and know how to get back home. This is a short blog, but only because by the end of the day I don't have a fary god-mother to grant me my wishes.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Prelude of Life Transitions
A few days ago I was suggested by a friend to take a computer class. I considered the advice somewhat biased and dismissed it. My excuse was that I would not need to take it because I have the necessary classes to finish the semester and transfer to my majors university. Oh and it wasn't on my degree plan. Today I was at the U of H open house and turns out I do need a computer proficiency class. I'm like...dude..why can't degree plans be consistent....
I mean college is already complicated as it is. Plus its expensive and the amount of time that it requires us students to invest in it is also a ridiculous amount of time. On top of that you have to deal with counselors that don't really care if they gave you the wrong information and you are too late to withdraw. Oh and let me not even get into the money situation. Who ever had the brilliant idea to make classes so expensive was clearly thinking that some people don't deserve an education. Then came the man that wanted to defy that reasoning and introduced the world to grants, scholarships and loans. Those also require time and effort. In return you either get free money or borrowed money. But hey, I'm part of this whole life transition so I can only learn to cope.
In a few months I will turn twenty. Holy guacamole with chips. Like seriously, it even sounds weird to think about. The feel in my tounge when I say it is so abnormal its not even funny. Yeah, I mean, I've even got to the point of saying that I refuse to turn twenty, that I will NEVER be twenty, maybe twenty one, but not twenty. Well, honestly even I know that that is impossible unless I die and resurrect in literally one year. However, I think the fact that I'm aging is hitting two other people in the gut much harder than its hitting me.
My parents..
I totally get how they feel. I really do, which is why I'm not pushing for more freedom. I'm just slowly saying, look, I'm taking it because I need it. I really want it but I'm not going to push too much because quite frankly, I'm scared. I never imagined that going into the adult world would be so scary. I mean, I've always been super independent and go-getter but not now. Not when I see the emotional and physical toll. Really what scares me the most is that I'm getting further and further away from my childhood that I so dearly treasure...
You see reader, I've always had these ideals of what my future will look like and so far its not the same picture I had drafted in my head. On top of that, I have a secret. This secret I hold with one more person. Now, I'm about to share it with the world.
One time when I was in like first grade, my mom decided to do a house major clean up. She gave my sister and me this huge plastic bag and told us to put in the bag the toys we didn't really like or played with anymore. Well my sister and I grabbed that bag and put like five toys in there. I mean it took us like a good long while. We went through the toys and said, no not this one because we use it to play indians (or somethig) or we would say no, not this one because I got it from so and so at my so and so birthday and it means so and so to me. So after like forever (because we almost had all the toys in the world...) we gave the bag to my mom and said, nope, sorry mom but we like all our toys. My mom just walked into the room and took like a gallilion of our toys. I mean, I felt like she was taking our arms and legs and we cried when we realized she was going to give them away to poor kids. Our selfish little selves waved our toys good-bye. We still had a gallilion toys and got new ones later on. Then on the second toy drive, we had a crisis. Of course we already knew we were not willing to give our toys away so my mom grabbed the bag without asking us this time and just dumped whatever she saw suitable. In that bag went a bunny.
That bunny was the most simple gray fluffy bunny ever. It was so simple that Ilse and I never played with it; it just sat on my shelf. When I saw that bunny I felt my heart stop, sink and melt. I cried histerically for that bunny that I had never played with and I still don't know why. My sister even told my mom that she had given away my precious bunny that I liked so much. I told her I would never see the bunny again and that I didn't tell her to give it away. I don't think I've ever been as mad at my mom as I was that day. Luckyly, we got to the bag before it was taken to the poor kids and I got the bunny back. I even named it Jazz Rabbit after a computer game from my computer class. (One day my mom washed Jazz and dried him in the drier for the first time and his fluffly hair turned into burned fur...but I forgave her). Jazz Rabbit was among my sleep toys. I also had Osito, Chinguini, Nanemi, and Bubbles (I can't remember if this dolphin was actually Bubbles or if that was my sister's dolphin's name, but I had a dolphin)
Ok, so these six creatures I slept with until I was 16. I'm not kidding. The only reason why I stopped was because one day some friends needed to sleep at my room and I didn't want them to think I was a looser so I put them in a closet. They never came down. Oh and later I got a black bear but that one only lasted a few months and then went up on my shelf. Now, I know for a fact EVERYONE has a secret. The stuffed animals are part of the whole story because my sister and I still hold about 80% of our toys (the other 15% got given away and the 5% got lost). All our toys are almost intact, in perfect shape. We took such good care of them and got soooooooooooooo many fun days and memories that we refuse to give them away. We don't care about the poor children, we care to give them money to get their own toys so they can make their own memories. But not with our toys. They are our toys, and no one could play with them without our consent then and not now.
I may almost be 20 and I still don't know what will happen to the boxes and boxes of toys. I guess we all hold on to something to give us that scent of our childhood. I cannot relive anything. Not even if I do it twice the same way. I'm only getting older and the saddest part of it all is not the part that I'm aging, its the part that everyone else that was older than me is also aging. All my aunts and uncles, the people I once thought beautiful and young are now old and married and ugly. I only imagine what it will be like when they start to die. Hopefully thought, we won't get to that point in time.
I mean college is already complicated as it is. Plus its expensive and the amount of time that it requires us students to invest in it is also a ridiculous amount of time. On top of that you have to deal with counselors that don't really care if they gave you the wrong information and you are too late to withdraw. Oh and let me not even get into the money situation. Who ever had the brilliant idea to make classes so expensive was clearly thinking that some people don't deserve an education. Then came the man that wanted to defy that reasoning and introduced the world to grants, scholarships and loans. Those also require time and effort. In return you either get free money or borrowed money. But hey, I'm part of this whole life transition so I can only learn to cope.
In a few months I will turn twenty. Holy guacamole with chips. Like seriously, it even sounds weird to think about. The feel in my tounge when I say it is so abnormal its not even funny. Yeah, I mean, I've even got to the point of saying that I refuse to turn twenty, that I will NEVER be twenty, maybe twenty one, but not twenty. Well, honestly even I know that that is impossible unless I die and resurrect in literally one year. However, I think the fact that I'm aging is hitting two other people in the gut much harder than its hitting me.
My parents..
I totally get how they feel. I really do, which is why I'm not pushing for more freedom. I'm just slowly saying, look, I'm taking it because I need it. I really want it but I'm not going to push too much because quite frankly, I'm scared. I never imagined that going into the adult world would be so scary. I mean, I've always been super independent and go-getter but not now. Not when I see the emotional and physical toll. Really what scares me the most is that I'm getting further and further away from my childhood that I so dearly treasure...
You see reader, I've always had these ideals of what my future will look like and so far its not the same picture I had drafted in my head. On top of that, I have a secret. This secret I hold with one more person. Now, I'm about to share it with the world.
One time when I was in like first grade, my mom decided to do a house major clean up. She gave my sister and me this huge plastic bag and told us to put in the bag the toys we didn't really like or played with anymore. Well my sister and I grabbed that bag and put like five toys in there. I mean it took us like a good long while. We went through the toys and said, no not this one because we use it to play indians (or somethig) or we would say no, not this one because I got it from so and so at my so and so birthday and it means so and so to me. So after like forever (because we almost had all the toys in the world...) we gave the bag to my mom and said, nope, sorry mom but we like all our toys. My mom just walked into the room and took like a gallilion of our toys. I mean, I felt like she was taking our arms and legs and we cried when we realized she was going to give them away to poor kids. Our selfish little selves waved our toys good-bye. We still had a gallilion toys and got new ones later on. Then on the second toy drive, we had a crisis. Of course we already knew we were not willing to give our toys away so my mom grabbed the bag without asking us this time and just dumped whatever she saw suitable. In that bag went a bunny.
That bunny was the most simple gray fluffy bunny ever. It was so simple that Ilse and I never played with it; it just sat on my shelf. When I saw that bunny I felt my heart stop, sink and melt. I cried histerically for that bunny that I had never played with and I still don't know why. My sister even told my mom that she had given away my precious bunny that I liked so much. I told her I would never see the bunny again and that I didn't tell her to give it away. I don't think I've ever been as mad at my mom as I was that day. Luckyly, we got to the bag before it was taken to the poor kids and I got the bunny back. I even named it Jazz Rabbit after a computer game from my computer class. (One day my mom washed Jazz and dried him in the drier for the first time and his fluffly hair turned into burned fur...but I forgave her). Jazz Rabbit was among my sleep toys. I also had Osito, Chinguini, Nanemi, and Bubbles (I can't remember if this dolphin was actually Bubbles or if that was my sister's dolphin's name, but I had a dolphin)
Ok, so these six creatures I slept with until I was 16. I'm not kidding. The only reason why I stopped was because one day some friends needed to sleep at my room and I didn't want them to think I was a looser so I put them in a closet. They never came down. Oh and later I got a black bear but that one only lasted a few months and then went up on my shelf. Now, I know for a fact EVERYONE has a secret. The stuffed animals are part of the whole story because my sister and I still hold about 80% of our toys (the other 15% got given away and the 5% got lost). All our toys are almost intact, in perfect shape. We took such good care of them and got soooooooooooooo many fun days and memories that we refuse to give them away. We don't care about the poor children, we care to give them money to get their own toys so they can make their own memories. But not with our toys. They are our toys, and no one could play with them without our consent then and not now.
I may almost be 20 and I still don't know what will happen to the boxes and boxes of toys. I guess we all hold on to something to give us that scent of our childhood. I cannot relive anything. Not even if I do it twice the same way. I'm only getting older and the saddest part of it all is not the part that I'm aging, its the part that everyone else that was older than me is also aging. All my aunts and uncles, the people I once thought beautiful and young are now old and married and ugly. I only imagine what it will be like when they start to die. Hopefully thought, we won't get to that point in time.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Thank you Columbus...
On a cold morning like today I stopped to think about a lot of things I've been thinking about. One of them is that I have been dared. Yes ladies and jerks. I, Pink Lady, have been told I cannot lose 15 pounds. Well guess what? Now I'm not doing it for my original purpose (which was to impress my crush); I'm now doing it to prove my friend that I can do it! I have until the last day of December. If I win, he gives me 50 bucks, if I don't win, he gets the lovely joy of knowing he was right. At first I was like, "oh yeah 15 pounds, that's easy!" I even said I'd go running every morning for one hour and not feed my body junk. Well, so far I've been putting it off. I still have time! I have lots and lots of time...
Which brings me to my next point: I have yet to prove to myself that I can actually complete a long-term task.
Deciding that I wanted to be a teacher took me about one day. Yeah, I just woke up and decided that I liked school so much that I would spend the rest of my life in it. Literally. So I followed in the steps of my aunt and as soon as I graduated high school, I went to get an education to become a teacher. For all that time, I only changed my mind once, thinking that maybe I could be a cosmetologist because I like make-up so much. Well I was wrong because I don't like to touch people's heads. And I don't like dandruff either. Or baldness...but I'm over baldness a little because typically men lose all their hair by the time they wrinkle to a raisin. I do hope strongly that I don't have to see my husband wrinkle to a raisin. Or my dad.
So that one was easy. But there are a lot of things that I start and never finish...
Here's a list
1.Writing "Where I really Belong"
2. Reading the Bible
3. Reading a whole theocratic book (actully I did read the whole yearbook for the 2012 year but I always start a new book and never finish. And it does not include the books for the book study)
4. Never finished a pillow that was supposed to be for my cousin
5. Didn't move to the French when I turned 18
6. Didn't move out of my house when I turned 18
7. Didn't finish community college in a year
8. I was pulled out of ballet class and now I obsess with ballet without being able to learn to dance it
9. I have unfinished blogs
10. Being a vegetarian didn't work. Only lasted two months...
But that's just some of my big failures in life. I know I can accomplish them, I just can't ever get my head around how to actually get these things done. So I am constantly frustrated with myself. I mean, my room is a mess! But amazingly at work, I have to have everything in place! At school, everything is in perfect order. Everything in my life runs by minutes, seconds. So in my room I just let go. Even then I still have crisis where I just NEED to yell at someone. My bucketlist is on a permanent hold. So how can I have time for people?
Apparently I'm very mean and don't have friends. That may be true but only because I don't intend to be nice to people that don't care about me. That sounds mean already. Well I don't have the energy to trust someone with my kindness...sad face.
I went through my contact list and gave the following labels to make myself feel better
a= acquaintance
f= friend
F= adult friend
bf= best friend
-=pending relationship (only one person has this)
ld= long-distance friend
Maybe what my life needs is a dude...
Which brings me to my next point: I have yet to prove to myself that I can actually complete a long-term task.
Deciding that I wanted to be a teacher took me about one day. Yeah, I just woke up and decided that I liked school so much that I would spend the rest of my life in it. Literally. So I followed in the steps of my aunt and as soon as I graduated high school, I went to get an education to become a teacher. For all that time, I only changed my mind once, thinking that maybe I could be a cosmetologist because I like make-up so much. Well I was wrong because I don't like to touch people's heads. And I don't like dandruff either. Or baldness...but I'm over baldness a little because typically men lose all their hair by the time they wrinkle to a raisin. I do hope strongly that I don't have to see my husband wrinkle to a raisin. Or my dad.
So that one was easy. But there are a lot of things that I start and never finish...
Here's a list
1.Writing "Where I really Belong"
2. Reading the Bible
3. Reading a whole theocratic book (actully I did read the whole yearbook for the 2012 year but I always start a new book and never finish. And it does not include the books for the book study)
4. Never finished a pillow that was supposed to be for my cousin
5. Didn't move to the French when I turned 18
6. Didn't move out of my house when I turned 18
7. Didn't finish community college in a year
8. I was pulled out of ballet class and now I obsess with ballet without being able to learn to dance it
9. I have unfinished blogs
10. Being a vegetarian didn't work. Only lasted two months...
But that's just some of my big failures in life. I know I can accomplish them, I just can't ever get my head around how to actually get these things done. So I am constantly frustrated with myself. I mean, my room is a mess! But amazingly at work, I have to have everything in place! At school, everything is in perfect order. Everything in my life runs by minutes, seconds. So in my room I just let go. Even then I still have crisis where I just NEED to yell at someone. My bucketlist is on a permanent hold. So how can I have time for people?
Apparently I'm very mean and don't have friends. That may be true but only because I don't intend to be nice to people that don't care about me. That sounds mean already. Well I don't have the energy to trust someone with my kindness...sad face.
I went through my contact list and gave the following labels to make myself feel better
a= acquaintance
f= friend
F= adult friend
bf= best friend
-=pending relationship (only one person has this)
ld= long-distance friend
Maybe what my life needs is a dude...
Monday, September 10, 2012
Sucker Punch
The bad thing about getting paid once a month is that you literally have crumbs of money at the end of the month. Its hard, but it teaches you serious money management skills. I call it, my budget cut. When I started again on my "school year job" I assumed I was already a pro at budget cutting. Only too bad for me because I was still in summer mode and now I have to get by with $15 for the month of September. Turns out that the company decided to not pay us for two weeks of work and some orientation work days for August until September. Meanwhile I have to pay for textbooks, tuition, gas toilettries, food, and miscellaneous expenses. I hate borrowing money from my parents because that makes me seem less independent but I think they want me to borrow for them...they get mad if I don't. My tuition is due September 24...I'm going to die if I have to ask for money..
Anyways, so amongst my summer mode expenses, I made some purchases designated to a party that took place this past Saturday. Let me tell you that I was not at all exited about this party because I would be seeing that friend that I told you about in my recent blog. Well, we ended up being friends again because he is just one of those people I can't be mad at forever. He's just cool like that. It just goes to say that my Love was right and I need to be patient. So at this party I had beautiful red sparkly toes that cost $20, a dress that was $60, a perfume that was $65( I got a free tote with this purchase!), red lipstich that was $6, and some jewlry that I didn't end up wearing. Oh and I still have to pay alterations wich is $16. So that totals the amount of....about $170. Then again, I did look awesome and had a really good time. Happy face.
But it was at the party that I did something that I am not too proud of. You see, I know from rules that as a girl you are never supposed to turn down a guy when he asks you to dance. It does all these negative things to the guy's self-esteem or whatever. I try really hard to not say no, but sometimes I just have too. ESPECIALLY if the guy is like 30 with a mustache and bad dressing skill. (...eww..) So yeah, I know I am not supposed to say no, not even maybe later. I'm supposed to just suck it up and do it. I'm the girl, so my part of dancing just requires me to follow what the guy is doing. Sounds easy but guys can make it really, really hard. HARD!!! So there I was standing, sweating my pretty face, fanning myself with a plate looking for a victim. When I saw the guy comming up to me I grabbed my friend and was like "OMG dance! Now, come on please dance with me, I'm running away" and he starts acting like an idiot on the spot while the other guy is now looking towards me with all the intentions of asking me to dance. I pull my friend and thank goodness because it was just on time! I told him I didn't want to dance with that guy because he doesn't dance well and its super awkward and he's really tall. Then we laughed. Hahaha. Only too bad because a while later he came back and cought me off guard. I simply said, "let me cool down and we will later." Later never came.Yeah, yeah, I know what you are saying, I am a duchebag. What can I do? Tell him my dad said I couldn't dance with boys? I mean I'm knocking on my twenties and by dancing with other guys that would have made me the biggest liar. That's not the worst of it..
Later on we were dancing Step in the name of Love. I do like this dance but it always makes me nervous. If you are unaware of how this dance goes, its like this: You start off by doing some line dance. Step, step, slide, step step slide, step front, step front, step hold, cross cross cross. Or something like that. Well that's the easy part, no pressure, but halfway trough the song, you have to get with a partner. That's the part that makes me nervous because if you don't find a partner before this part, you are bound to end up alone. Or with someone. What I find scary about this song is that I feel like, what if that other person doesn't want to dance with you? What if they are some creepy person? What if they don't know the partner steps? What if they think I'm weird becasue I turned around and "forced them" to be my partner? So to play safe I stayed close to my sister and started to partner thing with her. And then she ditched me. Just like that! She went to dance with a little girl that had no partner. She mumbled some words to me and then I realized that next to me was a guy with no partner. So I ran away. Literally. I ran out of the dance floor and sat with my parents. Poor guy just stood there looking at the floor. I mean, why didn't he approach me? Why couldn't my sister be the one to go with the guy and me with the little girl? When it comes to guys, I have little confidence, I don't like to throw myself out there. Sorry guys, I will not make the first move. The rest of the party I continued to think of the guy's face. It was a very sad and left-out face. Like a puppy that wants to play and no one pays attention to it. Not only did I feel pathetic, I felt embarrassed because I ran. Maybe because the guy was good-looking, but still. I ran away. Like Cinderella when its midnight. Only my shoes were tied to my ankles so I didn't leave a glass slipper behind. Not like the guy would have made an attempt to look for me anyways.
On a more simple note, I have my first few test of the semester coming up. I didn't go to class today because I woke up nauceous and with pain in my stomach like I had gotten punched, probably because of my pills. We also have CO visit this week, yay! Oh and I'm in debt. If by November I can recover, I'd like to go camping. Its one of those things I have avoided all my life because I feel little appreciation of the outdoors. However, its also one of those things I feel I should experience before I die. Plus I want to have a Marmalade Boy moment!
:P
Anyways, so amongst my summer mode expenses, I made some purchases designated to a party that took place this past Saturday. Let me tell you that I was not at all exited about this party because I would be seeing that friend that I told you about in my recent blog. Well, we ended up being friends again because he is just one of those people I can't be mad at forever. He's just cool like that. It just goes to say that my Love was right and I need to be patient. So at this party I had beautiful red sparkly toes that cost $20, a dress that was $60, a perfume that was $65( I got a free tote with this purchase!), red lipstich that was $6, and some jewlry that I didn't end up wearing. Oh and I still have to pay alterations wich is $16. So that totals the amount of....about $170. Then again, I did look awesome and had a really good time. Happy face.
But it was at the party that I did something that I am not too proud of. You see, I know from rules that as a girl you are never supposed to turn down a guy when he asks you to dance. It does all these negative things to the guy's self-esteem or whatever. I try really hard to not say no, but sometimes I just have too. ESPECIALLY if the guy is like 30 with a mustache and bad dressing skill. (...eww..) So yeah, I know I am not supposed to say no, not even maybe later. I'm supposed to just suck it up and do it. I'm the girl, so my part of dancing just requires me to follow what the guy is doing. Sounds easy but guys can make it really, really hard. HARD!!! So there I was standing, sweating my pretty face, fanning myself with a plate looking for a victim. When I saw the guy comming up to me I grabbed my friend and was like "OMG dance! Now, come on please dance with me, I'm running away" and he starts acting like an idiot on the spot while the other guy is now looking towards me with all the intentions of asking me to dance. I pull my friend and thank goodness because it was just on time! I told him I didn't want to dance with that guy because he doesn't dance well and its super awkward and he's really tall. Then we laughed. Hahaha. Only too bad because a while later he came back and cought me off guard. I simply said, "let me cool down and we will later." Later never came.Yeah, yeah, I know what you are saying, I am a duchebag. What can I do? Tell him my dad said I couldn't dance with boys? I mean I'm knocking on my twenties and by dancing with other guys that would have made me the biggest liar. That's not the worst of it..
Later on we were dancing Step in the name of Love. I do like this dance but it always makes me nervous. If you are unaware of how this dance goes, its like this: You start off by doing some line dance. Step, step, slide, step step slide, step front, step front, step hold, cross cross cross. Or something like that. Well that's the easy part, no pressure, but halfway trough the song, you have to get with a partner. That's the part that makes me nervous because if you don't find a partner before this part, you are bound to end up alone. Or with someone. What I find scary about this song is that I feel like, what if that other person doesn't want to dance with you? What if they are some creepy person? What if they don't know the partner steps? What if they think I'm weird becasue I turned around and "forced them" to be my partner? So to play safe I stayed close to my sister and started to partner thing with her. And then she ditched me. Just like that! She went to dance with a little girl that had no partner. She mumbled some words to me and then I realized that next to me was a guy with no partner. So I ran away. Literally. I ran out of the dance floor and sat with my parents. Poor guy just stood there looking at the floor. I mean, why didn't he approach me? Why couldn't my sister be the one to go with the guy and me with the little girl? When it comes to guys, I have little confidence, I don't like to throw myself out there. Sorry guys, I will not make the first move. The rest of the party I continued to think of the guy's face. It was a very sad and left-out face. Like a puppy that wants to play and no one pays attention to it. Not only did I feel pathetic, I felt embarrassed because I ran. Maybe because the guy was good-looking, but still. I ran away. Like Cinderella when its midnight. Only my shoes were tied to my ankles so I didn't leave a glass slipper behind. Not like the guy would have made an attempt to look for me anyways.
On a more simple note, I have my first few test of the semester coming up. I didn't go to class today because I woke up nauceous and with pain in my stomach like I had gotten punched, probably because of my pills. We also have CO visit this week, yay! Oh and I'm in debt. If by November I can recover, I'd like to go camping. Its one of those things I have avoided all my life because I feel little appreciation of the outdoors. However, its also one of those things I feel I should experience before I die. Plus I want to have a Marmalade Boy moment!
:P
Thursday, September 6, 2012
When Trying is not Good Enough
I can't figure out how to unfollow two blogs. I don't really know why I followed them in the first place if I never read them. I mean, it even bothers me to see them right there on my dashboard. I think that maybe the first time I read it I thought they were good blogs but then the second and third time I told myself, this blog sucks...why did I bother to follow...
Ever since the eigth grade I've hated Edgar Allen Poe. Now, I know that you are thinnking I've got to be crazy because like my Lit. teacher says, he's got the big "C" of classic stamped all over his work. Well technically he didn't just write one story and became famous. It took him his entire lifetime to be appreciated by the world (when he was alive, the French seemed to be the only ones enjoying his stories). Personally though, the first time I read Poe I thought he was possessed. I was really scared and I had nightmares and what not. So every time I had to read Poe I basically winged it. I was not about to read something I felt no respect for. Ever since then I decided to be very critical to what I read and what I write. So if I don't like something I do not read it. I think everyone should do that.
I'm not a writer, not even close, but I like blogging simply because I can put words to my toughts here and then find out that someone out there took two seconds of their life and gave them to me.
Another reason why I didn't like Poe was because I could not understand what he was saying. I didn't actually learn to dissect a story until I was a freshman. I also don't like Hemingway, Ayn Rand, mmmm.... Well I can't think of any more. But the point is, things are understood better when they are not sprinkled with fancy words, saturated with literary elements, or stuffed with description. Simplicity, voice and style are enough. Everything else is extra. If you over do it, the piece is like eating an entire cake by yourself. Its too much and it will make you sick (English 1301!!!)
This has brought me to think of how much I hate apologies Before you start to point the hypocrite finger at me, let me explain. I'm the kind of person that likes to make things clear. I don't like issues to hang in the air. Life is not about leaving matters unresolved. Even if you look away from the problem, its still there waiting for you to get tired of looking away. I like to apologize, but I think its super awkward to have someone apologize to me. It goes like this:
I have a bad habit of playing with my hair, specially when I talk to boys. I do not at all do this on purpose, it was actually pointed out by two married men. Of course they teased me and bothered me because I am not at all aware that I am doing this. I go into this subconcious state! If you ask me, I can't even remember a single time that I actually did it. At some point, I even thought that they were pulling my leg just to pick on me. But no, apparently I do it...So! One day one of the men comes up to me and apologized to me for making fun of me or picking on me or something like that. In my head I was thinking, "but what's the fault?" I didn't seriously get offended so why was he apologizing? Trust me, if I'm bothered, I cannot help but to show it on my face. Then I will say it and depending on how bothered I am is how upset I will sound. Again, when I don't like something, its very obvious. Anyways, so he goes on apologizing and I started to get all hot and itchy. I'm used to people teasing me, its been done my entire life. At this point, I could hardly care less what is it that I'm being teased about. I just take it and laugh along.
Therefore, its really hard for me to apologize. So when I apologize about something, its because I seriously mean it from my heart. I've given it so much tought that I get super uncomfortable if I don't say something. Which is rare.
Last night I had so much flying in my head that I could not sit still during my meeting. To top it off, my dad realized he had to do a presentation and didn't tell me until literally when we were walking out of the house. I couldn't say no...So I walked out on like paragraph 3 of the book study and just sat in the lobby trying to read this very long presentation. I sort of wish it had been the magazines but it ended up being a presentation like the one we ladies give in the school. The problem was that I was standing in the lobby trying not to cry thinking about my silly life mistakes. Not the right day to give me a last minute anything. I thought about all the people I've let down and how unworthy I was to be giving that part. I didn't want to go up there and look stupid. So my dad comes out after I was gone like ten minutes and he tries really really hard to break it down for me. All I heard were muttered words and my breathing got really tight because I felt bad for him. If it had been ANY other day, I probably could have focused, but yesterday not so much. When it was time to go up, I was shaking. I never shake, I don't get sick, I don't sweat and I don't mess up, period. Yesterday I messed up. Like bad. I couldn't stop thinking about what was in my head. I couldn't remember what the part said and I thought like any second I was going to pass out. I felt sorry for myself. There on stage is a girl who is so insecure, so impatient and so dramatic. There on stage is a girl who has hurt and let down absolutely everyone. There is that girl who doesn't know what she is saying and keeps tripping over the words in front of her. I literally ran off the stage. I went in the bathroom and I cried.
So why is it that if I am so bad, that I have any friends? I have the best friends I could ever ask for. I have the best and most encouraging company I could ask for. I have the best support system! Then I found out someone has cancer and I felt so little. Like, everything that just happened, that IS happening, is nothing compared to cancer.
I still hate Poe, I hate those two blogs I can't figure out how to unfollow, I hate apologies and I hated last night. Compared to cancer though, my life is full of jelly beans! I still have a lot to learn and being the person that I am, I have to agree with Master Yoda, "Do or do not, there is no try." Every one has the right to be wrong, but no one has the right to do wrong.
Ever since the eigth grade I've hated Edgar Allen Poe. Now, I know that you are thinnking I've got to be crazy because like my Lit. teacher says, he's got the big "C" of classic stamped all over his work. Well technically he didn't just write one story and became famous. It took him his entire lifetime to be appreciated by the world (when he was alive, the French seemed to be the only ones enjoying his stories). Personally though, the first time I read Poe I thought he was possessed. I was really scared and I had nightmares and what not. So every time I had to read Poe I basically winged it. I was not about to read something I felt no respect for. Ever since then I decided to be very critical to what I read and what I write. So if I don't like something I do not read it. I think everyone should do that.
I'm not a writer, not even close, but I like blogging simply because I can put words to my toughts here and then find out that someone out there took two seconds of their life and gave them to me.
Another reason why I didn't like Poe was because I could not understand what he was saying. I didn't actually learn to dissect a story until I was a freshman. I also don't like Hemingway, Ayn Rand, mmmm.... Well I can't think of any more. But the point is, things are understood better when they are not sprinkled with fancy words, saturated with literary elements, or stuffed with description. Simplicity, voice and style are enough. Everything else is extra. If you over do it, the piece is like eating an entire cake by yourself. Its too much and it will make you sick (English 1301!!!)
This has brought me to think of how much I hate apologies Before you start to point the hypocrite finger at me, let me explain. I'm the kind of person that likes to make things clear. I don't like issues to hang in the air. Life is not about leaving matters unresolved. Even if you look away from the problem, its still there waiting for you to get tired of looking away. I like to apologize, but I think its super awkward to have someone apologize to me. It goes like this:
I have a bad habit of playing with my hair, specially when I talk to boys. I do not at all do this on purpose, it was actually pointed out by two married men. Of course they teased me and bothered me because I am not at all aware that I am doing this. I go into this subconcious state! If you ask me, I can't even remember a single time that I actually did it. At some point, I even thought that they were pulling my leg just to pick on me. But no, apparently I do it...So! One day one of the men comes up to me and apologized to me for making fun of me or picking on me or something like that. In my head I was thinking, "but what's the fault?" I didn't seriously get offended so why was he apologizing? Trust me, if I'm bothered, I cannot help but to show it on my face. Then I will say it and depending on how bothered I am is how upset I will sound. Again, when I don't like something, its very obvious. Anyways, so he goes on apologizing and I started to get all hot and itchy. I'm used to people teasing me, its been done my entire life. At this point, I could hardly care less what is it that I'm being teased about. I just take it and laugh along.
Therefore, its really hard for me to apologize. So when I apologize about something, its because I seriously mean it from my heart. I've given it so much tought that I get super uncomfortable if I don't say something. Which is rare.
Last night I had so much flying in my head that I could not sit still during my meeting. To top it off, my dad realized he had to do a presentation and didn't tell me until literally when we were walking out of the house. I couldn't say no...So I walked out on like paragraph 3 of the book study and just sat in the lobby trying to read this very long presentation. I sort of wish it had been the magazines but it ended up being a presentation like the one we ladies give in the school. The problem was that I was standing in the lobby trying not to cry thinking about my silly life mistakes. Not the right day to give me a last minute anything. I thought about all the people I've let down and how unworthy I was to be giving that part. I didn't want to go up there and look stupid. So my dad comes out after I was gone like ten minutes and he tries really really hard to break it down for me. All I heard were muttered words and my breathing got really tight because I felt bad for him. If it had been ANY other day, I probably could have focused, but yesterday not so much. When it was time to go up, I was shaking. I never shake, I don't get sick, I don't sweat and I don't mess up, period. Yesterday I messed up. Like bad. I couldn't stop thinking about what was in my head. I couldn't remember what the part said and I thought like any second I was going to pass out. I felt sorry for myself. There on stage is a girl who is so insecure, so impatient and so dramatic. There on stage is a girl who has hurt and let down absolutely everyone. There is that girl who doesn't know what she is saying and keeps tripping over the words in front of her. I literally ran off the stage. I went in the bathroom and I cried.
So why is it that if I am so bad, that I have any friends? I have the best friends I could ever ask for. I have the best and most encouraging company I could ask for. I have the best support system! Then I found out someone has cancer and I felt so little. Like, everything that just happened, that IS happening, is nothing compared to cancer.
I still hate Poe, I hate those two blogs I can't figure out how to unfollow, I hate apologies and I hated last night. Compared to cancer though, my life is full of jelly beans! I still have a lot to learn and being the person that I am, I have to agree with Master Yoda, "Do or do not, there is no try." Every one has the right to be wrong, but no one has the right to do wrong.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Late Night Thoughts
It's two in the morning...
Why in the world am I laying in bed reading my old blogs? Well for one, I took like a three hour nap and although I'm tired, I couldn't fall asleep even if I tried. Two, I really have to go potty but that is none of your business. I have a blog written down but I don't feel like writing it right now because something else is really poking my thoughts. Let me just say that if my parents walk into my room right now and see that I'm doing this, I am going to be in trouble. And I'm almost twenty bloody years old......siiiigh.
A looooong looong loong long time ago I used to be really naive. And immature. And childish. And bouncy. And stupid. And over-confident. Of course, I was a freshman. So its not a surprise to say that like any other fish, I was lost and didn't think too much. Well, now that I know how to think, I sit here and think about how I used to be so I won't be like that again. That way I won't have to hear people say that I'm annoying or childish. Yes, I get it, I'm super smart and full of useless information and I can't help but spit it out at times. I am difficult.
So I have this tiny big problem and I don't feel like bringing it up with my friend because if I do, then I'll have to tell my friend the truth, that I don't think we can be friends anymore because he is acting like a duche. I just like to think it in my head. Or maybe we are friends but right now he's like in time-out corner in my head? I don't know. What ever. Let me tell you what did not happen.
When I was a fish, I used to be really hyper about my new acquaintance that I made over the phone. Those were my days of glory stalking. Although I still possess those skills, I prefer not to use them unless I'm bored. I'm not bored often so its nothing to fear. ( See what I'm doing? I'm avoiding the subject...) Well, when I was a fish, I didn't really know what it was like to have friends outside my circle of friendships. Like, this friend lived far, and didn't go to my school or hall and this friend was not even in my age range. But I really liked talking to this friend even though this friend didn't, or maybe liked to avoid me. I would have avoided me too because of how weird I was being. Well, once all the weirdness went away, I started to share more personal info with this friend and we would talk about my teen problems because like I said, this friend was older and experienced. But then this friend would always tell me, "how come you only call me to talk about your problems or when you need advice or when you want help? how come you never call to say hi or to just chit chat?" I used to think that only couples did that. Friends were there for help. It was funny beause I could talk to this riend about anything and it was ok in my head because we were friends. I mean, what was I supposed to say in a chit chat conversation? "OMG I think so and so is super cute" or "hey, I got an A on my test." Honestly I think that I thought that those were sleepover conversations, or small talk with peers, and I really considered at that time that this friend was really my firend, even though to my friend, I was just the stalker or the acquaintance. At that point in my life all I heard was gibberish until the millionth time that I 'got it' so I called this friend to say hi and have a conversation. That conversation went like this: cricket cricket. So yeah, basically, I still didn't understand what my friend wanted me to talk about on the phone. Like, I knew my friend made a point by telling me I only called when it was about me but I didn't know how to fix it so I continued to call when I needed me-time. Selfish right? Well, like I said, this was a looooong time ago.
Well, it took five years for me to get it...
The roles have been switched. I am now my friend and I have another friend who is being me. It goes like this: We met like a year ago and hit it off really well. No creepy feeling, no next-day texting, no intimate convos, just simple nonsense texting getting to know each other. We really wanted to hang out and stuff and I laughed a lot. I really liked talking to this friend. Then out of no where, the conversations got personal. Being the person that I am, I can't help to fill in the gaps of people's lives. When they can't explain something, I make it clear. When they need to be put back in reality I shove them. When they need venting I instigate. So I thought I was being considerate of this friend's feelings. Of course, then my friend started to want advice very often until that was the only time when I heard from this person. And I'm like really? What bothers me is that we are not talking about a freshman situation anymore. We are talking about an adult. Shoot myself in the foot for being so nice!
I'm not a life coach, I'm not a counselor, I'm not Dr. Phill or Maury. I'm not a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist. I'm an English major college student that reads a lot and likes to think. But I also have feelings and my feelings are hurt. So in honor of the friend that first told me "how come you only call me to talk about your problems or when you need advice or when you want help? how come you never call to say hi or to just chit chat?", this blog is for you. I am sorry for being soooo selfish. I now understand what you meant and if I could tell you this in person I would, but, I don't think you would forgive me now, much less listen to me. I am truly honestly sorry for being a duchebag and only calling you when I needed you. I'm sorry I bothered you with all my life troubles and my boy drama. You gave me the best advice anyone could ask for and you taught me a lot about life, so much that up to this point, my life has not been a surprise to me. Please forgive me. Please. I was young and dumb and it obviously took this long to get it because its finally slapping me in the face. So, I'm sorry.
To my friend being the douchebag now, I'm tired of texting you and you not caring to carry out a conversation. I do not want to see you next Saturday or in the forseeable future. At least not until you stop being a duche and start acting like you did when we first met. I do not want to give you advice. I am so disappointed at your hang-out plans which btw, let me and some other people down because you invited US and then decided not to go. I think I know why you are being negligent with your friends and honestly you're in for a big fat nasty disappointment. But I'm not going to bother to tell you because I don't honestly care what happens. Oh and PS, remember that I'm 99.9% always right. When it happens I will know because once again, you will return to me for advice and I will press 'delete.' In fact, you won't ever know that I don't care anymore becuase you are not going to read this blog. People in Malaysia and Russia ( Russians love my blog the second most after the USA) will read this blog and say, kdjoe skfiej kjdofiekf lksifkj lsifjee ( that is my russian!) and continue their lives. I will continue my life without you becuse you said we were good friends, emphasis on good, and now you are proving to be the absolute worst. You're not only using me, you are refusing to admit that you are doing it and excusing yourself by being "busy," Well guess what? I've always been busy but never busy enough to say hi or solve one of your life tangles. You hurt my feelings.
In 2011 skipped like three months of blogging. I never want to do that again. (2:53 AM)
Why in the world am I laying in bed reading my old blogs? Well for one, I took like a three hour nap and although I'm tired, I couldn't fall asleep even if I tried. Two, I really have to go potty but that is none of your business. I have a blog written down but I don't feel like writing it right now because something else is really poking my thoughts. Let me just say that if my parents walk into my room right now and see that I'm doing this, I am going to be in trouble. And I'm almost twenty bloody years old......siiiigh.
A looooong looong loong long time ago I used to be really naive. And immature. And childish. And bouncy. And stupid. And over-confident. Of course, I was a freshman. So its not a surprise to say that like any other fish, I was lost and didn't think too much. Well, now that I know how to think, I sit here and think about how I used to be so I won't be like that again. That way I won't have to hear people say that I'm annoying or childish. Yes, I get it, I'm super smart and full of useless information and I can't help but spit it out at times. I am difficult.
So I have this tiny big problem and I don't feel like bringing it up with my friend because if I do, then I'll have to tell my friend the truth, that I don't think we can be friends anymore because he is acting like a duche. I just like to think it in my head. Or maybe we are friends but right now he's like in time-out corner in my head? I don't know. What ever. Let me tell you what did not happen.
When I was a fish, I used to be really hyper about my new acquaintance that I made over the phone. Those were my days of glory stalking. Although I still possess those skills, I prefer not to use them unless I'm bored. I'm not bored often so its nothing to fear. ( See what I'm doing? I'm avoiding the subject...) Well, when I was a fish, I didn't really know what it was like to have friends outside my circle of friendships. Like, this friend lived far, and didn't go to my school or hall and this friend was not even in my age range. But I really liked talking to this friend even though this friend didn't, or maybe liked to avoid me. I would have avoided me too because of how weird I was being. Well, once all the weirdness went away, I started to share more personal info with this friend and we would talk about my teen problems because like I said, this friend was older and experienced. But then this friend would always tell me, "how come you only call me to talk about your problems or when you need advice or when you want help? how come you never call to say hi or to just chit chat?" I used to think that only couples did that. Friends were there for help. It was funny beause I could talk to this riend about anything and it was ok in my head because we were friends. I mean, what was I supposed to say in a chit chat conversation? "OMG I think so and so is super cute" or "hey, I got an A on my test." Honestly I think that I thought that those were sleepover conversations, or small talk with peers, and I really considered at that time that this friend was really my firend, even though to my friend, I was just the stalker or the acquaintance. At that point in my life all I heard was gibberish until the millionth time that I 'got it' so I called this friend to say hi and have a conversation. That conversation went like this: cricket cricket. So yeah, basically, I still didn't understand what my friend wanted me to talk about on the phone. Like, I knew my friend made a point by telling me I only called when it was about me but I didn't know how to fix it so I continued to call when I needed me-time. Selfish right? Well, like I said, this was a looooong time ago.
Well, it took five years for me to get it...
The roles have been switched. I am now my friend and I have another friend who is being me. It goes like this: We met like a year ago and hit it off really well. No creepy feeling, no next-day texting, no intimate convos, just simple nonsense texting getting to know each other. We really wanted to hang out and stuff and I laughed a lot. I really liked talking to this friend. Then out of no where, the conversations got personal. Being the person that I am, I can't help to fill in the gaps of people's lives. When they can't explain something, I make it clear. When they need to be put back in reality I shove them. When they need venting I instigate. So I thought I was being considerate of this friend's feelings. Of course, then my friend started to want advice very often until that was the only time when I heard from this person. And I'm like really? What bothers me is that we are not talking about a freshman situation anymore. We are talking about an adult. Shoot myself in the foot for being so nice!
I'm not a life coach, I'm not a counselor, I'm not Dr. Phill or Maury. I'm not a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist. I'm an English major college student that reads a lot and likes to think. But I also have feelings and my feelings are hurt. So in honor of the friend that first told me "how come you only call me to talk about your problems or when you need advice or when you want help? how come you never call to say hi or to just chit chat?", this blog is for you. I am sorry for being soooo selfish. I now understand what you meant and if I could tell you this in person I would, but, I don't think you would forgive me now, much less listen to me. I am truly honestly sorry for being a duchebag and only calling you when I needed you. I'm sorry I bothered you with all my life troubles and my boy drama. You gave me the best advice anyone could ask for and you taught me a lot about life, so much that up to this point, my life has not been a surprise to me. Please forgive me. Please. I was young and dumb and it obviously took this long to get it because its finally slapping me in the face. So, I'm sorry.
To my friend being the douchebag now, I'm tired of texting you and you not caring to carry out a conversation. I do not want to see you next Saturday or in the forseeable future. At least not until you stop being a duche and start acting like you did when we first met. I do not want to give you advice. I am so disappointed at your hang-out plans which btw, let me and some other people down because you invited US and then decided not to go. I think I know why you are being negligent with your friends and honestly you're in for a big fat nasty disappointment. But I'm not going to bother to tell you because I don't honestly care what happens. Oh and PS, remember that I'm 99.9% always right. When it happens I will know because once again, you will return to me for advice and I will press 'delete.' In fact, you won't ever know that I don't care anymore becuase you are not going to read this blog. People in Malaysia and Russia ( Russians love my blog the second most after the USA) will read this blog and say, kdjoe skfiej kjdofiekf lksifkj lsifjee ( that is my russian!) and continue their lives. I will continue my life without you becuse you said we were good friends, emphasis on good, and now you are proving to be the absolute worst. You're not only using me, you are refusing to admit that you are doing it and excusing yourself by being "busy," Well guess what? I've always been busy but never busy enough to say hi or solve one of your life tangles. You hurt my feelings.
In 2011 skipped like three months of blogging. I never want to do that again. (2:53 AM)
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Don't poop in your underwear
Three things are on my mind right now:
1. My sinus allergies are not getting better and its really hard to breathe
2. My wisdom teeth are taking over my mouth and I feel painful pressure on my top and bottom teeth and my mouth is tired of being 'open' so my teeth don't touch. It also made me super hungry...
3. April hasn't had a haircut since we got her and she is full of knots. She's fluffy and the fluffy look fits her, but with her skin rash, she is covered in knots.
SO...
I was just thinking the other day when was the first time that I decided I didn't want to have kids. I was going to be a senior in high school actually. Before that, I had my marriage life planned out with two or three kids, I even picked names and ways to raise them and discipline them and parenting methods. I was so in love with the idea of keeping everything so I could tell my kids and grandkids, "when I was your age, this was my first blah blah." I even played mother role at times with kids that are not mine. More than once did I get complimented on how good I was with kids ( I still am). I was told I would be a great mother. I agreed.
And then there were goldfish...
See, that Summer of 2010 my family sat with another family we are really good friends with. They have a son that is the apple of my eye. I was left in charge of baby sitting him during the last part of the morning program and intermission so that my mom, my sister, his mom and his dad worked in the baptizm departmen. My dad was in accounting. So it was just me and that lovely child. Well everything was going well except when lunch started. I had to actually dig through his family's stuff to find the kid's lunch and then feed him. No biggie. But! Things did go wrong. I started to get all panicky because I couldn't find his lunch and the kid was hungry. I finally found it, fixed his lunch and then handed him his sandwich. I even prayed with him. Then out of no where I found this bag of goldfish and it just so happened to occur to me to offer him some. He said yes. So I handed him the whole bag. Then I turned around to find my sandwich.
dkjofekdfoenajsdfkjsmashshshshsss
What was I thinking handing him the whole one gallon ziploc bag of goldfish to serve himself??? I clearly had a moment of stupidity. Yeah I wanted to hit myself because I had to clean it up because it was my fault, not the kid's. Thank goodness for who arrived to be my leverage because he took the kid so I could get my head back in place and clean up. I also ate my sandwich and when he came back we both had the kid and we looked like a family. Well, I didn't like the picture.
After serious thinking, I came up with a list of 50 reasons not to have kids. I couldn't think of any good reasons to actually have kids. In fact, when people tell me that I'm the one that is going to end up with kids first I explain to them how selfish it is to bring kids into this corrupt and ending world. Why would anyone want to put a human being through the horrid path of imperfect life with all the suffereing that comes with it? Just so you can fulfill parental happiness? Why can't they wait until they can give birth to perfect kids in a perfect world and be perfect parents?
So no, I will not have kids in this world. I refuse. I have looked at every birth control method and if I have to do them ALL at the same time then by all means, I will do them all. I will not get pregnant and go through that extra hormonal imbalance, I will not raise a child in this world and I will not stit there and see my child suffer in this world. No no no, and no!
When I hear people say, "oh I want to have kids," I respect that decision. Just like they should respect mine for not wanting any. Of course, you never hear them say " oh I want a toddler," or "a teenager" or "a young adult." You also don't hear people say "I want a kid with Autism." We already-existing-beings have no choice or control in the suffering we have in life, its not like we chose to be diabetic in our old age. But why can't people think that in this system, kids will have that lifestyle. Plus they are expensive.
There are always firsts in life. First cavity, first Barbie, first Hot-Wheels, first teacher, first backstab, first kiss, first change of heart. To me, deciding to not have kids was a major life change, but it won't be the first time I change my mind about something of such great impact. Then again, I still love kids.
On another note, I messed up BIG time at work by undercharging tuition to some parents, but the good thing is that I have a good boss. I can't wait until school starts to get another year of kids. Kids make up my life, that is why I like my job and that I why I am good with them. So long as they are not mine.
1. My sinus allergies are not getting better and its really hard to breathe
2. My wisdom teeth are taking over my mouth and I feel painful pressure on my top and bottom teeth and my mouth is tired of being 'open' so my teeth don't touch. It also made me super hungry...
3. April hasn't had a haircut since we got her and she is full of knots. She's fluffy and the fluffy look fits her, but with her skin rash, she is covered in knots.
SO...
I was just thinking the other day when was the first time that I decided I didn't want to have kids. I was going to be a senior in high school actually. Before that, I had my marriage life planned out with two or three kids, I even picked names and ways to raise them and discipline them and parenting methods. I was so in love with the idea of keeping everything so I could tell my kids and grandkids, "when I was your age, this was my first blah blah." I even played mother role at times with kids that are not mine. More than once did I get complimented on how good I was with kids ( I still am). I was told I would be a great mother. I agreed.
And then there were goldfish...
See, that Summer of 2010 my family sat with another family we are really good friends with. They have a son that is the apple of my eye. I was left in charge of baby sitting him during the last part of the morning program and intermission so that my mom, my sister, his mom and his dad worked in the baptizm departmen. My dad was in accounting. So it was just me and that lovely child. Well everything was going well except when lunch started. I had to actually dig through his family's stuff to find the kid's lunch and then feed him. No biggie. But! Things did go wrong. I started to get all panicky because I couldn't find his lunch and the kid was hungry. I finally found it, fixed his lunch and then handed him his sandwich. I even prayed with him. Then out of no where I found this bag of goldfish and it just so happened to occur to me to offer him some. He said yes. So I handed him the whole bag. Then I turned around to find my sandwich.
dkjofekdfoenajsdfkjsmashshshshsss
What was I thinking handing him the whole one gallon ziploc bag of goldfish to serve himself??? I clearly had a moment of stupidity. Yeah I wanted to hit myself because I had to clean it up because it was my fault, not the kid's. Thank goodness for who arrived to be my leverage because he took the kid so I could get my head back in place and clean up. I also ate my sandwich and when he came back we both had the kid and we looked like a family. Well, I didn't like the picture.
After serious thinking, I came up with a list of 50 reasons not to have kids. I couldn't think of any good reasons to actually have kids. In fact, when people tell me that I'm the one that is going to end up with kids first I explain to them how selfish it is to bring kids into this corrupt and ending world. Why would anyone want to put a human being through the horrid path of imperfect life with all the suffereing that comes with it? Just so you can fulfill parental happiness? Why can't they wait until they can give birth to perfect kids in a perfect world and be perfect parents?
So no, I will not have kids in this world. I refuse. I have looked at every birth control method and if I have to do them ALL at the same time then by all means, I will do them all. I will not get pregnant and go through that extra hormonal imbalance, I will not raise a child in this world and I will not stit there and see my child suffer in this world. No no no, and no!
When I hear people say, "oh I want to have kids," I respect that decision. Just like they should respect mine for not wanting any. Of course, you never hear them say " oh I want a toddler," or "a teenager" or "a young adult." You also don't hear people say "I want a kid with Autism." We already-existing-beings have no choice or control in the suffering we have in life, its not like we chose to be diabetic in our old age. But why can't people think that in this system, kids will have that lifestyle. Plus they are expensive.
There are always firsts in life. First cavity, first Barbie, first Hot-Wheels, first teacher, first backstab, first kiss, first change of heart. To me, deciding to not have kids was a major life change, but it won't be the first time I change my mind about something of such great impact. Then again, I still love kids.
On another note, I messed up BIG time at work by undercharging tuition to some parents, but the good thing is that I have a good boss. I can't wait until school starts to get another year of kids. Kids make up my life, that is why I like my job and that I why I am good with them. So long as they are not mine.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Salad for Dessert
Let's pretend you like grilled chicken. I mean, who doesn't like grilled chicken? Unless you are a vegetarian, everyone loves grilled chicken. But for the purpose of this blog, we are going to pretend that no matter what, you love grilled chicken. The juicyness and the tenderness of the chicken combined with that smoky grilled flavor. The seasoning just perfect so it does not interfere with the chicken flavor. Oh that grilled chicken you have for lunch every day. You love it so much that every time you eat it, its like you are trying it for the first time. You cannot ever wait to eat your grilled chicken because of how perfect it is and no matter what, you will never be saitisfied of your lovely grilled chicken. I mean, you can eat it with a salad, or on a sandwich or over pilaf, you name it, it goes perfectly with your grilled chicken. Plus the calorie intake is not too guilty. Who does not love grilled chicken. It makes lunch so predictable and easy. You know what you are going to have because you love it so much.
One day, you run out of grilled chicken and all you have is steak. Your lunch just got a makeover.
That's what I think right now of my friendships. You see reader, I love all my friends. I have my friends, then my good friends, my close friends and my "best" friends. They each have a purpose and a place in my life. All of them know enough about me but nothing at the same time. It balances out so that no one has any good backup for backstabbing. All my friends are fun to be with and they all make me feel different. I can be 100% me or 75% me. Its all perfect friend-wise in my existance right now. I would hope that if I died one day, they would know what to make of me.
Let's just reminess a little on the past Sunday. Not only was it amazing, it was super fullfilling. This is how it pretty much went: After waking up super early to study, I took a nice steamy shower and got ready to go on service. Only too bad for me because I didn't know that service on Sundays is no longer at 9:45 so I ended up going to give a study with my mom. When we got back, my friend was at my house waiting. Now, this was too bad for the both of us because I ran out of product for my hair so no matter what, it HAD to be straightened. My hair looks amazing straight, so I went through the painful process of putting excessive heat on my hair to make it amazing, plus I had no product. So after a painful one hour of hair and wardrobe, we set off to the last English convention to watch the drama in English. Did I mention that I looked amazing? The next painful thing was finding seats because we got there as soon as the intermission started and every seat was taken apparently...I mean we ate like horses. I used to think that there are creeps all over but now I actually believe it. One of the girls I was with litterally got major creeped on. So embarrassing but I guess that's what happens when you have beautiful hott friends... Once the program started we sang standing up in the hallway waiting to be seated which happened like ten minutes after the drama started. The drama was so realistic in English; it was a little too real actually. Then we had super-amazing-loud-fun at the restaurant.
Let's break it up. We had super fun. Super fun means we made the hang out happen which is not always possible since we all have different lives. Amazing fun means it was different from everything else we do in the sense that we all made it different by being different. Yeah, we were in a big party but everyone was doing the eat-talk thing while we were doing amazing fun. Loud fun litereally means we were the loudest to talk, the loudest to laugh and the loudest to leave. But what made Sunday happen the way it did is that we did not let anything bother us. We had very healthy conversation and bonding. We made plans for Tuesday and we stuck to it. We took very cute pictures and instagramed them. Yes, Sunday was the kind of day that I wish it were every day. Like having grilled chicken everyday until you run out and you have to eat steak.
At that point we went from the restaurant to a hang out. How did we go from a convention to a make-believe party? I don't know. I didn't even realize when we got too crazy, I just sat there and watched the boys dance like idiots. But who cares? We had fun!!!
Friends are like that, you have your friends and they are the best people in your life. They make simple moments the epic highlight of your existance. Sometimes you realize you need something better, and since my life has been no surprise, I think that my friends are what make it worth it. Maybe I need a friend make-over, like hanging out with people MY age. But I won't rush it because I'm having fun trying to find some steak.
One day, you run out of grilled chicken and all you have is steak. Your lunch just got a makeover.
That's what I think right now of my friendships. You see reader, I love all my friends. I have my friends, then my good friends, my close friends and my "best" friends. They each have a purpose and a place in my life. All of them know enough about me but nothing at the same time. It balances out so that no one has any good backup for backstabbing. All my friends are fun to be with and they all make me feel different. I can be 100% me or 75% me. Its all perfect friend-wise in my existance right now. I would hope that if I died one day, they would know what to make of me.
Let's just reminess a little on the past Sunday. Not only was it amazing, it was super fullfilling. This is how it pretty much went: After waking up super early to study, I took a nice steamy shower and got ready to go on service. Only too bad for me because I didn't know that service on Sundays is no longer at 9:45 so I ended up going to give a study with my mom. When we got back, my friend was at my house waiting. Now, this was too bad for the both of us because I ran out of product for my hair so no matter what, it HAD to be straightened. My hair looks amazing straight, so I went through the painful process of putting excessive heat on my hair to make it amazing, plus I had no product. So after a painful one hour of hair and wardrobe, we set off to the last English convention to watch the drama in English. Did I mention that I looked amazing? The next painful thing was finding seats because we got there as soon as the intermission started and every seat was taken apparently...I mean we ate like horses. I used to think that there are creeps all over but now I actually believe it. One of the girls I was with litterally got major creeped on. So embarrassing but I guess that's what happens when you have beautiful hott friends... Once the program started we sang standing up in the hallway waiting to be seated which happened like ten minutes after the drama started. The drama was so realistic in English; it was a little too real actually. Then we had super-amazing-loud-fun at the restaurant.
Let's break it up. We had super fun. Super fun means we made the hang out happen which is not always possible since we all have different lives. Amazing fun means it was different from everything else we do in the sense that we all made it different by being different. Yeah, we were in a big party but everyone was doing the eat-talk thing while we were doing amazing fun. Loud fun litereally means we were the loudest to talk, the loudest to laugh and the loudest to leave. But what made Sunday happen the way it did is that we did not let anything bother us. We had very healthy conversation and bonding. We made plans for Tuesday and we stuck to it. We took very cute pictures and instagramed them. Yes, Sunday was the kind of day that I wish it were every day. Like having grilled chicken everyday until you run out and you have to eat steak.
At that point we went from the restaurant to a hang out. How did we go from a convention to a make-believe party? I don't know. I didn't even realize when we got too crazy, I just sat there and watched the boys dance like idiots. But who cares? We had fun!!!
Friends are like that, you have your friends and they are the best people in your life. They make simple moments the epic highlight of your existance. Sometimes you realize you need something better, and since my life has been no surprise, I think that my friends are what make it worth it. Maybe I need a friend make-over, like hanging out with people MY age. But I won't rush it because I'm having fun trying to find some steak.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Achille's Tendon
"The name Achilles' heel comes from Greek mythology. Achilles' mother, the goddess Thetis, received a prophecy of her son's death. Hearing this, she dipped him into the River Styx to protect his body from harm. However, she kept hold of his heel, meaning that the water did not touch this part of his body and it was therefore vulnerable. During the Trojan War, Achilles was struck on his unprotected heel by a poisoned arrow shot by Paris, which killed him. In the same war, Achilles is also said to have cut behind Hector's Achilles tendons, having killed him, and threaded leather thongs through the incisions in order to drag him behind a chariot." -Wikepedia
1. Be nice
2. Don't be a duchebag
3. If you want to say something, put it in the Blog.
For the past four days I've been thinking about what I want to say and how I am going to say it. Well, for one, I belive the three points mentions above are possibly the best advice I've been given in a long time. The only reason being is because the person that gave them to me is dear and near in my heart.
Why...
Here's why: In my past blog I mentioned that I have difficulty making friends and sometimes even talking to people. Regular conversation is ok, I can do that. The kind of conversation that is deep I can only have with this ONE person. No it is not my mother, although she is very close. This person is the only friend that has been with me in the absolute worst and the absolute best. No matter what the situation is. And I miss this friend.
A lot of people think I'm strong, probably too strong. Well guess what? They are W-R-O-N-G!!!
What I consider to be strong is very different than actually being strong. This is what I have always told all my friends: It's your choice. Everyone has the choice to be strong in the most difficult cases. Death included. Everything is in the head of the affected person. In your head is also the will power to be strong and say 'I can do it.' Disney wasn't wrong when he said "If you believe, its possible." Well, I grew up with Disney and I do believe that if a person truly believes its possible, then it is. Think of the Wright brothers; they belived they could invent a flying machine and they did. Its in our own will to be able to do something or not do it.
*Want an A? Believe!
*Want to write a novel? Believe!
*Want to own a coorporation? Believe!
*Want to forget someone who hurt you? Believe!
*Want to be a millionaire? Believe!
*Want to invent something? Believe!
*Want to loose weight? Believe!
*Want to be beautiful? Believe!
*Want to get married? Believe!
*Want to be happy? Believe!
I'm a realist, and I know better than anyone that not everything in life is absolutely possible, but I believe we can get as close as we want to. It takes effort, determination and courage to acually believe that something can be done. I promise you, my dear reader, that it is very, very possible.
What about the Tendon? Everyone has weaknesses, right? Yes. Weaknesses are what make us loose faith and not believe that it can be done. My weakeness comes from forgetting what I am really worth. I'm not always strong, I just don't like to show it. I like to think that if I really want something, I'm not going to sit there and sulk. I'm not going to think of ten thousand reasons why it can't be done. I'm not going to look for pity parties. I'm not going to sit there and look at the past and just be depressed for ever. That is what makes us weak. Negativiy. Sitting in a room thinking of all the things that could have happened won't change anything. The past is unchangeable. The present is alone the only thing that will impact the future.
No, I am not always strong. Sometimes negativity invades all my thoughts and I start to hate myself and at that poitn I want to go to my comfort spot. Away form everyone. Doing that is very easy and it takes no effort at all. All it takes is me looking at the past and there I go, down a hole. Coming out of the hole takes A LOT of effort and I don't always have the energy. Instead, I try very hard to not look back. I stay focused on my life ahead. I have a lot of life left (maybe not in this system, which is lot better to think of), and in my future life I have a lot of plans. I have goals that I want to reach. I can't get there if I sit in my room all the time. I have to go out there and get it!
Will power is inside of everyone, you just have to believe.
1. Be nice
2. Don't be a duchebag
3. If you want to say something, put it in the Blog.
For the past four days I've been thinking about what I want to say and how I am going to say it. Well, for one, I belive the three points mentions above are possibly the best advice I've been given in a long time. The only reason being is because the person that gave them to me is dear and near in my heart.
Why...
Here's why: In my past blog I mentioned that I have difficulty making friends and sometimes even talking to people. Regular conversation is ok, I can do that. The kind of conversation that is deep I can only have with this ONE person. No it is not my mother, although she is very close. This person is the only friend that has been with me in the absolute worst and the absolute best. No matter what the situation is. And I miss this friend.
A lot of people think I'm strong, probably too strong. Well guess what? They are W-R-O-N-G!!!
What I consider to be strong is very different than actually being strong. This is what I have always told all my friends: It's your choice. Everyone has the choice to be strong in the most difficult cases. Death included. Everything is in the head of the affected person. In your head is also the will power to be strong and say 'I can do it.' Disney wasn't wrong when he said "If you believe, its possible." Well, I grew up with Disney and I do believe that if a person truly believes its possible, then it is. Think of the Wright brothers; they belived they could invent a flying machine and they did. Its in our own will to be able to do something or not do it.
*Want an A? Believe!
*Want to write a novel? Believe!
*Want to own a coorporation? Believe!
*Want to forget someone who hurt you? Believe!
*Want to be a millionaire? Believe!
*Want to invent something? Believe!
*Want to loose weight? Believe!
*Want to be beautiful? Believe!
*Want to get married? Believe!
*Want to be happy? Believe!
I'm a realist, and I know better than anyone that not everything in life is absolutely possible, but I believe we can get as close as we want to. It takes effort, determination and courage to acually believe that something can be done. I promise you, my dear reader, that it is very, very possible.
What about the Tendon? Everyone has weaknesses, right? Yes. Weaknesses are what make us loose faith and not believe that it can be done. My weakeness comes from forgetting what I am really worth. I'm not always strong, I just don't like to show it. I like to think that if I really want something, I'm not going to sit there and sulk. I'm not going to think of ten thousand reasons why it can't be done. I'm not going to look for pity parties. I'm not going to sit there and look at the past and just be depressed for ever. That is what makes us weak. Negativiy. Sitting in a room thinking of all the things that could have happened won't change anything. The past is unchangeable. The present is alone the only thing that will impact the future.
No, I am not always strong. Sometimes negativity invades all my thoughts and I start to hate myself and at that poitn I want to go to my comfort spot. Away form everyone. Doing that is very easy and it takes no effort at all. All it takes is me looking at the past and there I go, down a hole. Coming out of the hole takes A LOT of effort and I don't always have the energy. Instead, I try very hard to not look back. I stay focused on my life ahead. I have a lot of life left (maybe not in this system, which is lot better to think of), and in my future life I have a lot of plans. I have goals that I want to reach. I can't get there if I sit in my room all the time. I have to go out there and get it!
Will power is inside of everyone, you just have to believe.
Monday, June 18, 2012
My Sister Calls it Awk...
Awk...
What is that word? More like, what is half of that word?
A long time ago, like four, five, years ago, I used to be this very nice person. I was the kind of person that always looked at the bright side of things and said very nice things and wanted to be friends with everybody. I was so full of confidence a long time ago. Of course, it was so long ago that I had no experience with people and of course I had not been hurt. So eventually I changed. Not just because of one person, but because a lot of people and bitter experiences.
We all have a right to protect our hearts in what ever way we want to. No one can judge us because the pain we feel once we experienced something awful is a pain that stays inside our small hearts. You see, I had a friend who had overconfidence, the bad kind. I had the good kind of confidence, like I could teach a college class about it and it would have been called Confidence 2501. Well, that friend had some friends that I eventually became friends with. At the time, they turned out to be the best kind of friends that I had had in my entire life. I wanted to be with them so much; to be part of their group.They were so cool to me, like, celebrities almost.
Today I'm only really close friends with one of them.
You see my beloved reader, I'm the kind of person that turned out to be socially awkward. I'm not the kind of socially awkward person that cannot socialize with anybody, a loner. I'm also not the person that makes frenemies or fake friends. I'm not emo, depressed or suicidal socially awkward. I have two very polar attitudes. When I'm comfortable with myself and the group I'm in, I can make really good conversation and I'll even make some good jokes. I am myself. I don't care what those people think because I am comfortable enough to trust them to not hate me if I say something dumb. Then there's the other side of my social awkwardness. If I feel outshined, or if I'm the only stranger there, yeah, I won't talk much.
AND I LIKE TO TALK A LOT. LIKE, A TON.
Sometimes I have to be told to shut up. One of my friends likes to say that I always know what to say, that I can make conversation with anyone without difficulty. As if I could spot a cute guy and just walk up to him and bust out in conversation. Well I'm not like that. Yes it is true that the people who know me think that I can be like that, but that doesn't mean that I will.
Why?
Simply put, I don't trust people. I can look at someone and really like them from sight or really dislike them. I don't have a midground. Part of the reason that I am like that is because the people that surround me don't like to mingle. They are a little boring and its very frustrating because I have tried numerous times to introduce them to the world of mingling and it just doesn't work. I can almost say its rubbed on me a little. Once I find my comfort spot, I like to stay there. My mom is against that though and she tells me that in order to have friends, we have to be a friend. Easier said than done and especially because that woman is no closer to anyone else as the sun is close to Mars. But then she goes and tells me that I can't trust people. So my little brain says, "which is it woman!" I'd like to look up to her because she is right and she is my mom, but I can't look up to someone who doesn't set the example, so I just agree with her and try to be the best kind of friend to my friends.
Lately I have been faced with this situation: "So-and-So is lonely, be friends with them." I used to feel bragged about the situation because that meant that I am trustworthy and friendly and a good company, but now I think to myself, "Well I don't know if that person is going to be trustworthy and friendly back to me." So I turn down the request. We are not in Kindergarten anymore, we don't walk up to people and say, "Will you be my friend". No! It takes time and effort to build a relationship and I am honestly, a very difficult person to be around. I am very complicated and annoying at times. I also have a 3-strikes rule: I invite you 3 times and if 3 times you turn me down, I don't invite you again. Period. I will come to the conclusion that you don't want to hang out with me so I will avoid you the discomfort of turning me down; or more like keeping me in limbo.
When I was little I was scared of everything and it was really hard for me to make friends in school because I was afraid to talk to people. I just didn't know what to say. I don't have low self-esteem, I like myself a lot. A LOT. (HEHE). I just don't always like people. Or I like them too much and I don't want to overwhelm them or scare them away. So I smile and agree and wave good-bye.
I guess I have to work on my personality? Yeah...........awk-ward
What is that word? More like, what is half of that word?
A long time ago, like four, five, years ago, I used to be this very nice person. I was the kind of person that always looked at the bright side of things and said very nice things and wanted to be friends with everybody. I was so full of confidence a long time ago. Of course, it was so long ago that I had no experience with people and of course I had not been hurt. So eventually I changed. Not just because of one person, but because a lot of people and bitter experiences.
We all have a right to protect our hearts in what ever way we want to. No one can judge us because the pain we feel once we experienced something awful is a pain that stays inside our small hearts. You see, I had a friend who had overconfidence, the bad kind. I had the good kind of confidence, like I could teach a college class about it and it would have been called Confidence 2501. Well, that friend had some friends that I eventually became friends with. At the time, they turned out to be the best kind of friends that I had had in my entire life. I wanted to be with them so much; to be part of their group.They were so cool to me, like, celebrities almost.
Today I'm only really close friends with one of them.
You see my beloved reader, I'm the kind of person that turned out to be socially awkward. I'm not the kind of socially awkward person that cannot socialize with anybody, a loner. I'm also not the person that makes frenemies or fake friends. I'm not emo, depressed or suicidal socially awkward. I have two very polar attitudes. When I'm comfortable with myself and the group I'm in, I can make really good conversation and I'll even make some good jokes. I am myself. I don't care what those people think because I am comfortable enough to trust them to not hate me if I say something dumb. Then there's the other side of my social awkwardness. If I feel outshined, or if I'm the only stranger there, yeah, I won't talk much.
AND I LIKE TO TALK A LOT. LIKE, A TON.
Sometimes I have to be told to shut up. One of my friends likes to say that I always know what to say, that I can make conversation with anyone without difficulty. As if I could spot a cute guy and just walk up to him and bust out in conversation. Well I'm not like that. Yes it is true that the people who know me think that I can be like that, but that doesn't mean that I will.
Why?
Simply put, I don't trust people. I can look at someone and really like them from sight or really dislike them. I don't have a midground. Part of the reason that I am like that is because the people that surround me don't like to mingle. They are a little boring and its very frustrating because I have tried numerous times to introduce them to the world of mingling and it just doesn't work. I can almost say its rubbed on me a little. Once I find my comfort spot, I like to stay there. My mom is against that though and she tells me that in order to have friends, we have to be a friend. Easier said than done and especially because that woman is no closer to anyone else as the sun is close to Mars. But then she goes and tells me that I can't trust people. So my little brain says, "which is it woman!" I'd like to look up to her because she is right and she is my mom, but I can't look up to someone who doesn't set the example, so I just agree with her and try to be the best kind of friend to my friends.
Lately I have been faced with this situation: "So-and-So is lonely, be friends with them." I used to feel bragged about the situation because that meant that I am trustworthy and friendly and a good company, but now I think to myself, "Well I don't know if that person is going to be trustworthy and friendly back to me." So I turn down the request. We are not in Kindergarten anymore, we don't walk up to people and say, "Will you be my friend". No! It takes time and effort to build a relationship and I am honestly, a very difficult person to be around. I am very complicated and annoying at times. I also have a 3-strikes rule: I invite you 3 times and if 3 times you turn me down, I don't invite you again. Period. I will come to the conclusion that you don't want to hang out with me so I will avoid you the discomfort of turning me down; or more like keeping me in limbo.
When I was little I was scared of everything and it was really hard for me to make friends in school because I was afraid to talk to people. I just didn't know what to say. I don't have low self-esteem, I like myself a lot. A LOT. (HEHE). I just don't always like people. Or I like them too much and I don't want to overwhelm them or scare them away. So I smile and agree and wave good-bye.
I guess I have to work on my personality? Yeah...........awk-ward
Friday, June 15, 2012
La Vaisselle
Everyone is enjoying the last of their meals. What ever it was, pasta, chicken, or even leftovers, what makes it taste so good is the mood. Around the table everyone shares a bit of their day, the most outstanding events. The mood is relaxed, humorous, and even nonchalant. As the meals are being finished, dishes are being picked up to be washed and put away. At this point, something bitter penetrates the atmosphere making it hard to breathe. What is it? What in the world could possibly disrupt a family dinner?
Pride.
I've seen this happen over and over, not just in the above scenario, but in many other occasions. The reason why I am writing this is because as I am sitting in my room, I'm thinking of all kinds of reasons as to why I haven't written in the past two months. Let me just say that I don't consider myself to be pridefull, but I am also not perfect. I have my flaws and one of them at times is my pride. But let us begin to examine this aspect of life by defining its meaning. To me there are two types of pride: the kind that makes you feel all bubbly and pink inside because you did something good and the kind that blinds your reasoning skills and doesn't allow you to face a mistake. Very opposite right? How can pride be good and bad at the same time? Well, pride is a little green monster inside of us. I mean, we all feel great because we got a good grade, or because we gave CPR to a fainted child. My point is, the good kind of pride makes you want to write a book about your accomplishments. Its the kind of feeling that if the whole world was doing something right, we would all get along. Its the good kind of bragging. You walk into the room with your chin held high and you want to say, "yes, I did that and I'm so proud of it."
The bad pride hurts.
It hurts no matter how much you apologize. Why? Because you don't apologize. The little green monster inside will wrap its little green claws around the other person's feelings until the other person breaks in two. Two nasty little parts: the mind and the heart. The bad kind of pride doesn't feel bad for hurting someone because in their mind, what they did, or said, was right. No matter how much they hurt the other person. Like racism. White people thought they were better and abused their slaves and when the slaves were free, they were too proud to say I'm sorry. The bad pride turns people into jerks. The kind of jerks everyone hates. Yeah, I said hate and I'll say it again, people hate jerks! JERKS!!!
JERK JERK JERK JERK JERK=HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE
Its good to say that although I have a lot of pride in my accomplishmets, I'm not too proud to apologize. I know when I'm wrong. I can admit when I'm wrong. There may be one single person in this little planet that will tell you otherwise. Yet, I disagree. I can tell you right away if I am wrong. I am not perfect and the fact that people think that I can manage it all breaks my heart. I'm not plastic you know? I'm a human with feelings and goals. I'm a human that makes mistakes, thinks bad thoughts and says bad things. That's how imperfect I am. I can't do everything even thought I pretend to. I cannot be forced to be Ms. Social-Nice-Good Example.
If there is one thing that I hate more than pride are assumptions but you my reader, already know that. Anyone who assumes I am excellen at everything I do is obviously not close to me. You got to know me in order to predict me. I don't like everyone, I will not talk to everyone and I will not, no matter what, approve of anyone who is too proud to say I'm sorry.
Pride.
I've seen this happen over and over, not just in the above scenario, but in many other occasions. The reason why I am writing this is because as I am sitting in my room, I'm thinking of all kinds of reasons as to why I haven't written in the past two months. Let me just say that I don't consider myself to be pridefull, but I am also not perfect. I have my flaws and one of them at times is my pride. But let us begin to examine this aspect of life by defining its meaning. To me there are two types of pride: the kind that makes you feel all bubbly and pink inside because you did something good and the kind that blinds your reasoning skills and doesn't allow you to face a mistake. Very opposite right? How can pride be good and bad at the same time? Well, pride is a little green monster inside of us. I mean, we all feel great because we got a good grade, or because we gave CPR to a fainted child. My point is, the good kind of pride makes you want to write a book about your accomplishments. Its the kind of feeling that if the whole world was doing something right, we would all get along. Its the good kind of bragging. You walk into the room with your chin held high and you want to say, "yes, I did that and I'm so proud of it."
The bad pride hurts.
It hurts no matter how much you apologize. Why? Because you don't apologize. The little green monster inside will wrap its little green claws around the other person's feelings until the other person breaks in two. Two nasty little parts: the mind and the heart. The bad kind of pride doesn't feel bad for hurting someone because in their mind, what they did, or said, was right. No matter how much they hurt the other person. Like racism. White people thought they were better and abused their slaves and when the slaves were free, they were too proud to say I'm sorry. The bad pride turns people into jerks. The kind of jerks everyone hates. Yeah, I said hate and I'll say it again, people hate jerks! JERKS!!!
JERK JERK JERK JERK JERK=HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE
Its good to say that although I have a lot of pride in my accomplishmets, I'm not too proud to apologize. I know when I'm wrong. I can admit when I'm wrong. There may be one single person in this little planet that will tell you otherwise. Yet, I disagree. I can tell you right away if I am wrong. I am not perfect and the fact that people think that I can manage it all breaks my heart. I'm not plastic you know? I'm a human with feelings and goals. I'm a human that makes mistakes, thinks bad thoughts and says bad things. That's how imperfect I am. I can't do everything even thought I pretend to. I cannot be forced to be Ms. Social-Nice-Good Example.
If there is one thing that I hate more than pride are assumptions but you my reader, already know that. Anyone who assumes I am excellen at everything I do is obviously not close to me. You got to know me in order to predict me. I don't like everyone, I will not talk to everyone and I will not, no matter what, approve of anyone who is too proud to say I'm sorry.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
The Birds and the Bees
This topic...
Well my loyal readers, you see, there is a time when the birds and the bees in the tittle above, when they go on about their business. You see, there are the little birds and they do their bird thing and then there are the bees and they do their bee thing. Then they all collaborate and boom! There is more little flying creatures!
And then there's me.
I'm neither a bee or a bird, but you see, there comes a time in a woman's life when our bodies demand a change. Well, this change is very hard to accept and accommodate to. It cannot be done upon our single effort. I cannot say that I am happy or unhappy but at least I can say that I am moderately satisfied. Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted so badly to do this. I've dreamt so much about this phase in my life; how to plan it, how to live it, how to train it, how to be good at it. It takes practice I guess, although we were not necessarily programmed to live this way.
This past week has been a little hard to accept and a little hard to live by. I'm not really sure how to go about and tell people about it. The few I've told seem to be shocked and one even called it "lame". Some people are happy though, because really its a good thing. My health seems to be fine, up to now I guess. I'm not really sure how its going to change but hopefully I won't feel the difference too much, although its going to be absolutely impossible to hide it.
I'm glad my mom seems to be supportive about it. She asks me a lot of questions though and then gives me her opinion a lot. My dad though...he wasn't happy. Well, he's not mad but I get the feeling he looks down upon it a little... My sister though, she doesn't seem to mind, well technically its my life right? Overall, I'm glad I don't have to go through this alone, its a brand new me, the two parts of me.
I even got me a book last week so I knew exactly what I was doing. Its expensive as I had thought. One of my number one reasons why I didn't want this to happen. Its also a lifetime effort, I can't just give it up because I might get tired of it. When I decided it was time to do this, I gave thought to it. A lot of thought. I came up with reasons trying to convince myself why I should not do it ( I seem very calm don't I?) I couldn't come up with enough reasons why I shoud stop myself; it was love you know? It happens I guess, well to me it did. At first, I couldn't belive it that I was able to carry on the first time. Then the second, then the third. And finally, BOOM! Excatly what I did not plan to happen, happened.
I think as time goes by, people will learn to accept it without giving me weird looks. I know I used to be the one giving all the bad looks. Now the tables have switched and here I am. I don't really think I care what people think, but I guess I assumed they would be more understanding, these things HAPPEN! In our day, anyone can do this job alone and be good at it. So why can't I be a vegetarian? I think I can :)
Well my loyal readers, you see, there is a time when the birds and the bees in the tittle above, when they go on about their business. You see, there are the little birds and they do their bird thing and then there are the bees and they do their bee thing. Then they all collaborate and boom! There is more little flying creatures!
And then there's me.
I'm neither a bee or a bird, but you see, there comes a time in a woman's life when our bodies demand a change. Well, this change is very hard to accept and accommodate to. It cannot be done upon our single effort. I cannot say that I am happy or unhappy but at least I can say that I am moderately satisfied. Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted so badly to do this. I've dreamt so much about this phase in my life; how to plan it, how to live it, how to train it, how to be good at it. It takes practice I guess, although we were not necessarily programmed to live this way.
This past week has been a little hard to accept and a little hard to live by. I'm not really sure how to go about and tell people about it. The few I've told seem to be shocked and one even called it "lame". Some people are happy though, because really its a good thing. My health seems to be fine, up to now I guess. I'm not really sure how its going to change but hopefully I won't feel the difference too much, although its going to be absolutely impossible to hide it.
I'm glad my mom seems to be supportive about it. She asks me a lot of questions though and then gives me her opinion a lot. My dad though...he wasn't happy. Well, he's not mad but I get the feeling he looks down upon it a little... My sister though, she doesn't seem to mind, well technically its my life right? Overall, I'm glad I don't have to go through this alone, its a brand new me, the two parts of me.
I even got me a book last week so I knew exactly what I was doing. Its expensive as I had thought. One of my number one reasons why I didn't want this to happen. Its also a lifetime effort, I can't just give it up because I might get tired of it. When I decided it was time to do this, I gave thought to it. A lot of thought. I came up with reasons trying to convince myself why I should not do it ( I seem very calm don't I?) I couldn't come up with enough reasons why I shoud stop myself; it was love you know? It happens I guess, well to me it did. At first, I couldn't belive it that I was able to carry on the first time. Then the second, then the third. And finally, BOOM! Excatly what I did not plan to happen, happened.
I think as time goes by, people will learn to accept it without giving me weird looks. I know I used to be the one giving all the bad looks. Now the tables have switched and here I am. I don't really think I care what people think, but I guess I assumed they would be more understanding, these things HAPPEN! In our day, anyone can do this job alone and be good at it. So why can't I be a vegetarian? I think I can :)
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Success!
This has got to be one of the best days in my life! 1000(+) views of my blog. Thank you readers!
You have made me the person I am today and I shall continue to live writing :')
Love,
Lady in Pink <3
You have made me the person I am today and I shall continue to live writing :')
Love,
Lady in Pink <3
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Lost and Found?
I think I started to write this a while ago but never finished it, in fact, the grammar is wrong...but it can't just sit here as a draft. Kudos to the author :)
oh, on the nights i think of you
oh, on the nights i think of you
in the midst of the sweet scented breeze
i can feel soothing tenderness pass through me
it hurst because i know painfully well
that it will be sad when the conversationn ends
now i've detached myself from the freedom called loneliness
ah, on the nights i think of you
in the midst of the sweet scented breeze
i can feel soothing tenderness pass through me
Gaia
The above term means earth. I think its a very pretty word and therefore I am going to use it to give this blog a tittle.
I've been skipping class a lot lately because I cannot keep my focus. I am easily distracted by my million gazillion concerns and troubles in life. First of all I've got 3 friends with issues. I wish so badly with all my heart that I could just not care. That I could step aside and let them figure it out without me feeling completely guilty. I also wished I could stop trying to find excuses to blame myself for every one else's misfortune. (Heck, I even think world hunger is my fault!) Then I have another friend who is uninformed about a certain situation and when they do find out, all bloody hell is going to break lose, and yet again, I am going to feel responsible. Then there is also the issue that I am about to go out of a job. Like soon. Like in a month. That doesn't scare me because I don't mind resting all summer and hanging out. Only too bad I actually signed up to take three classes over the summer and now I HAVE to get a job and pay for them. I haven't had many complications at work actually, except for the fact that I have run out of movies to show the kids and my coworker ends up allowing not-so-appropriate movies and already one parent has complained... I'm freaking out becase I did want to have a nice little encuraging chat with my elders just for the plain heck of literally, encouragement, but now I don't know what I'm going to tell them. In fact, I haven't decided if I actually sitll want to talk to them. Oh and an investigator called us recently, making me feel like my life is in some prominent danger. Other than that, I think everything is going just well.
I mean, I am healthy right? Sort of??? My allergies haven't bothered me...sort of??? I don't have to worry about a stupid boyfriend!!! That's really good right??? I'm almost done with this semester too, and if everything goes well, I'm going to pass all my classes. I also have my family, oh and my sister is graduating from High School. Yay sister! Oh and today is one of my bffs' last day of beauty school (congrats my love!!) so now we can hang out more. I've also got my house, my baby (aka car), my clothes, my current job that I really like, my relationship with my dearest creator, I've got close friends that I love and would give my life for, I've got my lapi-top (with my currently most favorite wallpaper), I'm going to see Coldplay (AAAAAAAAHHH), my parents have their jobs, oh yeah and I'm alive.
Speaking of summer, I would like to do some things so hence the Summer list:
1. Finish reading at least 5 theocratic books (I always start and never finish)
2. Go out on early service every saturday (I quit during winter...)
3. Find a summer job (I want to keep working with kids)
4. Read one or two pleasure books (no problem with that one)
5. Pass all my classes (Two math...eek!)
6. Go on a vacation (New Orleans and New York are on my US bucketlist)
7. Save money for next semester (because I've been stubborn enough to not get FAFSA)
8. Join a gym and loose 20 lbs (I've almost joined two in the last two months but I always back out)
9. Rearrange my room ( and decorate it!)
10. Throw a party (small, nothing too big...maybe)
11. Get a new phone/company (I'm very please with t-mobile, but my family complains a lot)
12. Make a summer album (not a scrapbook)
15. Make two mock videos (I already chose the songs and actors)
16. Plan my trip to France (that's a future blog)
17. Have a garage sale (so I can buy me clothes!)
18. Make a new friend ( I always do this over each summer)
19. Work on "Where I Really Belong" (long-term unfinished proyect)
20. Have lots of fun drama-free (please?)
Gaia is a word that reminds me that this whole place we live in is very big, and there is always someone who is in a worse situation than me. I'm going to focus, or at least try. I'm going to flush my mind of all these worries and just let go of my pain. Its a lovely life when we really stop to think about it.
I've been skipping class a lot lately because I cannot keep my focus. I am easily distracted by my million gazillion concerns and troubles in life. First of all I've got 3 friends with issues. I wish so badly with all my heart that I could just not care. That I could step aside and let them figure it out without me feeling completely guilty. I also wished I could stop trying to find excuses to blame myself for every one else's misfortune. (Heck, I even think world hunger is my fault!) Then I have another friend who is uninformed about a certain situation and when they do find out, all bloody hell is going to break lose, and yet again, I am going to feel responsible. Then there is also the issue that I am about to go out of a job. Like soon. Like in a month. That doesn't scare me because I don't mind resting all summer and hanging out. Only too bad I actually signed up to take three classes over the summer and now I HAVE to get a job and pay for them. I haven't had many complications at work actually, except for the fact that I have run out of movies to show the kids and my coworker ends up allowing not-so-appropriate movies and already one parent has complained... I'm freaking out becase I did want to have a nice little encuraging chat with my elders just for the plain heck of literally, encouragement, but now I don't know what I'm going to tell them. In fact, I haven't decided if I actually sitll want to talk to them. Oh and an investigator called us recently, making me feel like my life is in some prominent danger. Other than that, I think everything is going just well.
I mean, I am healthy right? Sort of??? My allergies haven't bothered me...sort of??? I don't have to worry about a stupid boyfriend!!! That's really good right??? I'm almost done with this semester too, and if everything goes well, I'm going to pass all my classes. I also have my family, oh and my sister is graduating from High School. Yay sister! Oh and today is one of my bffs' last day of beauty school (congrats my love!!) so now we can hang out more. I've also got my house, my baby (aka car), my clothes, my current job that I really like, my relationship with my dearest creator, I've got close friends that I love and would give my life for, I've got my lapi-top (with my currently most favorite wallpaper), I'm going to see Coldplay (AAAAAAAAHHH), my parents have their jobs, oh yeah and I'm alive.
Speaking of summer, I would like to do some things so hence the Summer list:
1. Finish reading at least 5 theocratic books (I always start and never finish)
2. Go out on early service every saturday (I quit during winter...)
3. Find a summer job (I want to keep working with kids)
4. Read one or two pleasure books (no problem with that one)
5. Pass all my classes (Two math...eek!)
6. Go on a vacation (New Orleans and New York are on my US bucketlist)
7. Save money for next semester (because I've been stubborn enough to not get FAFSA)
8. Join a gym and loose 20 lbs (I've almost joined two in the last two months but I always back out)
9. Rearrange my room ( and decorate it!)
10. Throw a party (small, nothing too big...maybe)
11. Get a new phone/company (I'm very please with t-mobile, but my family complains a lot)
12. Make a summer album (not a scrapbook)
15. Make two mock videos (I already chose the songs and actors)
16. Plan my trip to France (that's a future blog)
17. Have a garage sale (so I can buy me clothes!)
18. Make a new friend ( I always do this over each summer)
19. Work on "Where I Really Belong" (long-term unfinished proyect)
20. Have lots of fun drama-free (please?)
Gaia is a word that reminds me that this whole place we live in is very big, and there is always someone who is in a worse situation than me. I'm going to focus, or at least try. I'm going to flush my mind of all these worries and just let go of my pain. Its a lovely life when we really stop to think about it.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Finding Time
My skin hurts. It hurts all over. I feel like I am burning and everything that rubs my skin in the lightest ways makes my skin crawl. All over I feel goosebumps and inside I feel like my insides are melting. Pain is relative, a weakness of the mind, and yet, I have given in to it.
I want to cry to let out everything that I feel, I want to talk to someone who will listen and not pretend just to care. But who am I to kid? Almost two months of silence went by because I have been biting my toungue. At this point, I can't even swallow. Every word that I mutter tastes bitter and cold, as if I were a very mean person.
False modesty is a way of lying, but lately I have found that secrets can turn into lies and lies can take the form of many other things. Like saying you are friends when you don't really mean it. Like saying you will care for your children and then letting them go the wrong way. What am I to do or say? I've said it before but I can say it again, I am not the person to sit and watch a disaster happen if I can avoid it.
I think that is my problem. I believe I have the power to fix things, or at least I like to pretend like I do. Possessing knwoledge is a gift, its what we do with it that makes a difference. Being ignorant is something that I look down upon, and yet here I am wishing that I couldn't tell wrong from right.
Everyone is guilty of something. Everyone.
For me, its a guilt that I cannot tolerate at this time because I have to do it alone. Its a heavy burden that I wish I could let go of, but I can't. Sometimes, we loose the people we love the most, maybe for the better. Breathing is a matter of uncounsiousness, thinking is also innate. I want to stop. I wish the world would stop for just a second and realize that with every selfish decision, we are hurting the people we love the most. I mean, who cares right? As long as we please ourselves and we can YOLO.
Let me say something about YOLO: it is the most mundane thinking there is. It is the most selfish style of living there is. We are in this world temporarily awaiting our reward. We cannot live for ourselves if we want that reward. We don't live once, we are meant to live forever. I don't think people realize how little time we have left, they just keep living like they don't have a clue that our reward is almost here.
I don't write to depress people or to criticize or make them angry or to try to change the world. I write because it is the most selfish thing I do; I need an outlet for my feelings.
Earlier this evening I was watching TV with my dear sister and one of the characters told another parent concerning parenting and children: "You found time to have them, now find time to be with them." Parenting is something I shouldn't talk about, but since I know exactly what this quote means, I'm going to take the bother to do so even though I don't have or plan to have kids.
Lately I've learned that parenting is a job no one is ready for and its a job that takes a lifetime. Jodi Picoult said, "you sign no contact to become a parent, but the responsibilities were written in invisible ink. There was a point when you had to support your child; even if no one else would. It was your job to rebuild the bridge even if your child was then one who had burned it in the first place." My dear reader, parenting is not something that can be taken for granted. The love of a mother surpasses any love in the world. When parents get lazy and comfortable, when they think they can trust their kids to make wise choices, when they stop caring who they are interacting with, when they refuse to see the warning signs, when they are too blind to see their children's feelings, when they leave them to in the care of a stranger's hand, when they allow them to do and get away with anything, when they don't take action in time to pull their kids back in line, when they are too uncomfortable talking to them, when their own kid becomes a stranger living in their house, that is when a parent has failed. Kids have to be let go of at one point, and we will never be ready enough to face the world out there. However, a parent will move heaven and hell to have their kids next to them their entire life. When, however, do they stop caring? When its too late? When the damage is too great? Whe the hope is gone? No. A parent will never give up. A child though will not care and leave. Parenting is a job that takes time and EFFORT. If you can't afford them, if you can't find the time to be with them, to get to know them, then you should not be a parent. You will ruin their lives and your own as a parent. At 18, we do not become owners of our lives, we do not become responsible adults, we do not reach full maturity. 18 is a number designated by the government to give themselves permission to tax you and to draft you and to try us as adults and stick us in jail. 18 is just a number that gives us no right.
Sometimes, I wish I had a friend that would not leave. A friend that would know when I feel out of place without me saying it. I wish I had a friend that would not lie and that would do anything that would keep me in line. That one friend that can take care of me in times of sickness. This is not a pity party; it is simply a manifest of my sick mind. I told myself I would not cry, but I made no lousy promise to myself. One day I'm going to leave. I'm going to go so far away and so fast, it will make my head spin. I will leave and the only one that will care is my creator. I'm not angry or sad. I'm simply tired of people being selfish.
I want to cry to let out everything that I feel, I want to talk to someone who will listen and not pretend just to care. But who am I to kid? Almost two months of silence went by because I have been biting my toungue. At this point, I can't even swallow. Every word that I mutter tastes bitter and cold, as if I were a very mean person.
False modesty is a way of lying, but lately I have found that secrets can turn into lies and lies can take the form of many other things. Like saying you are friends when you don't really mean it. Like saying you will care for your children and then letting them go the wrong way. What am I to do or say? I've said it before but I can say it again, I am not the person to sit and watch a disaster happen if I can avoid it.
I think that is my problem. I believe I have the power to fix things, or at least I like to pretend like I do. Possessing knwoledge is a gift, its what we do with it that makes a difference. Being ignorant is something that I look down upon, and yet here I am wishing that I couldn't tell wrong from right.
Everyone is guilty of something. Everyone.
For me, its a guilt that I cannot tolerate at this time because I have to do it alone. Its a heavy burden that I wish I could let go of, but I can't. Sometimes, we loose the people we love the most, maybe for the better. Breathing is a matter of uncounsiousness, thinking is also innate. I want to stop. I wish the world would stop for just a second and realize that with every selfish decision, we are hurting the people we love the most. I mean, who cares right? As long as we please ourselves and we can YOLO.
Let me say something about YOLO: it is the most mundane thinking there is. It is the most selfish style of living there is. We are in this world temporarily awaiting our reward. We cannot live for ourselves if we want that reward. We don't live once, we are meant to live forever. I don't think people realize how little time we have left, they just keep living like they don't have a clue that our reward is almost here.
I don't write to depress people or to criticize or make them angry or to try to change the world. I write because it is the most selfish thing I do; I need an outlet for my feelings.
Earlier this evening I was watching TV with my dear sister and one of the characters told another parent concerning parenting and children: "You found time to have them, now find time to be with them." Parenting is something I shouldn't talk about, but since I know exactly what this quote means, I'm going to take the bother to do so even though I don't have or plan to have kids.
Lately I've learned that parenting is a job no one is ready for and its a job that takes a lifetime. Jodi Picoult said, "you sign no contact to become a parent, but the responsibilities were written in invisible ink. There was a point when you had to support your child; even if no one else would. It was your job to rebuild the bridge even if your child was then one who had burned it in the first place." My dear reader, parenting is not something that can be taken for granted. The love of a mother surpasses any love in the world. When parents get lazy and comfortable, when they think they can trust their kids to make wise choices, when they stop caring who they are interacting with, when they refuse to see the warning signs, when they are too blind to see their children's feelings, when they leave them to in the care of a stranger's hand, when they allow them to do and get away with anything, when they don't take action in time to pull their kids back in line, when they are too uncomfortable talking to them, when their own kid becomes a stranger living in their house, that is when a parent has failed. Kids have to be let go of at one point, and we will never be ready enough to face the world out there. However, a parent will move heaven and hell to have their kids next to them their entire life. When, however, do they stop caring? When its too late? When the damage is too great? Whe the hope is gone? No. A parent will never give up. A child though will not care and leave. Parenting is a job that takes time and EFFORT. If you can't afford them, if you can't find the time to be with them, to get to know them, then you should not be a parent. You will ruin their lives and your own as a parent. At 18, we do not become owners of our lives, we do not become responsible adults, we do not reach full maturity. 18 is a number designated by the government to give themselves permission to tax you and to draft you and to try us as adults and stick us in jail. 18 is just a number that gives us no right.
Sometimes, I wish I had a friend that would not leave. A friend that would know when I feel out of place without me saying it. I wish I had a friend that would not lie and that would do anything that would keep me in line. That one friend that can take care of me in times of sickness. This is not a pity party; it is simply a manifest of my sick mind. I told myself I would not cry, but I made no lousy promise to myself. One day I'm going to leave. I'm going to go so far away and so fast, it will make my head spin. I will leave and the only one that will care is my creator. I'm not angry or sad. I'm simply tired of people being selfish.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Almost There
Currently my Facebook status reads the following:
"I'm hungry! I brought the wrong book to class! My fingers are cold! This hcc wifi is not responding! I hate rain in the day >:( "
So indeed, it is raining outside, or at least its raining and stops. The weather channel says that its supposed to rain over the zip code where I work. What that means is that I cannot take my 19 kids outside to play. They are in school for 8 hours and get a 15minute recess. 15 scrawny minutes to play. Then, after 8 hours, they are handed to me for another 3 hours of classroom lockdown. My kids cannot make it three hours in there without driving me a little crazy. Once they are done with their homework (which usually takes about 15 minutes for K and 1st grade and about 1 hour for 2nd grade), I have to entretain them. Its not like a regular classroom where I sit there and teach, or they do independent work or even group work. Its not like its nap time either! So again, I have to entretain them for at least half an hour more until its time to go outside. Unlike those 15 scrawny minutes, we go outside for an hour, an hour that involves kids pushing, hitting, and pulling on each other. An hour that stresses me out because little boy over there is hanging upside down, or because someone is bleeding, or someone fell or or or...
Thus the fact that I do not want to teach elementary kids.
I like my job a lot, don't get me wrong. I just hate it so much when it rains. I'd rather have someone trip outside than to have to yell at them to keep them in order. My kids like me, not like iI'm trying to brag or anything, I just know because they tell me. When I ask them if they like the other teacher, everyone says no, and I would too. That woman inspires too much fear and hate in those kids. Even though she's kidding half of the time, the kids can't tell and they are just scared of her. There are good days, most of them are good acuatlly. I look forward to being at work, just not when it rains...
So I've been thinking a lot about last weekend because I decided who I'm going to marry. Now, I just have to convice the other party. Juuuuuust Kidding :) Last weekend was not really good. I took a self-esteem test on Monday and scored 77/100 which is really healthy self-esteem, but this weekend I felt like a 2. SO I sast in my room and cried and cried and cried and then I got over it and got angry then sad and here comes my mother to the rescue. She lives with me of course becuase she is my mother and I'm still 18 (in 18 days I turn 19! EEK!). Anyways, when she's feeling all motherly, she can make me feel really good, but that's a motherly thing. However, like I said, during the weekend I got put down really bad, so obviously by Sunday I was still not feeling my pinkest. We went out to eat but we were a little late to the restaurant. That meant I had to sit by people I din't like...But alas, I ploppled myself on the chair and munched on some chips (btw, chips and salsa are NOT a mexican thing). So there I am minding my own business eating my chips and then someone says "Blah Blah is comming, do we need more seats?" and I jump up and say "here's one!!"...but to everyone else it sounded like OMG THERE'S A SEAT RIGHT NEXT TO ME! HE CAN SIT HERE! IN FACT, I'M DYING FOR HIM TO GET HERE!!!" Now remember, I'm minding my own business eating chips so I wasn't aware of my reaction.
Whatever.
So eventually my dad moves and unwillingly sits next to me and Blah Blah got there and sat at the edge. I'm still muching on chips almost holding my breath because I felt like with the single brush of a petal, I would explode in tears, and then he says "Valeria what's wrong? You're upset" Upset? Upset? I was beyond myself upset but how in the bloody hell did he know that!? I don't talk to him, we don't hang out constantly, I've never confided in him! Why did he have to notice me...I'm such a bad liar...
My parents are convinced someone is going to make a move in either me or Ilse, which is why I've decided who I'm going to marry. Just in case its me, I can clearly and honestly say "I'm sorry but I have higher expectations" or something like that. I don't like to be noticed without me knowing about it. I like my invisibility very much, so of course I did everything I could to remain undercover.
(It made me feel like Sunako in The Wallflower. She used to get nosebleeds when someone that was beautiful got close to her. )
Eventually I got my way and told him nothing, I mean how coul I? My dad was next to me, my mom in front of me and all around us was everyone else. I'm more or less ok now, except for the fact that this internet is being extremely slow and it doesn't have spell check. My update is this: I changed majors and all my classes were useful so I don't have to start over. Maybe I took an extra class but it will help me in the long run since its child growth and development. If and only if I pass all my classes, then I will graduate from HCC during the summer and then continue with my last two years (or one and a half or however many it takes) and then finally I wll have become and official adult. I will have my adult job and my adult clothes and my adult car and then, I will decide on the rest of my life. The end.
"I'm hungry! I brought the wrong book to class! My fingers are cold! This hcc wifi is not responding! I hate rain in the day >:( "
So indeed, it is raining outside, or at least its raining and stops. The weather channel says that its supposed to rain over the zip code where I work. What that means is that I cannot take my 19 kids outside to play. They are in school for 8 hours and get a 15minute recess. 15 scrawny minutes to play. Then, after 8 hours, they are handed to me for another 3 hours of classroom lockdown. My kids cannot make it three hours in there without driving me a little crazy. Once they are done with their homework (which usually takes about 15 minutes for K and 1st grade and about 1 hour for 2nd grade), I have to entretain them. Its not like a regular classroom where I sit there and teach, or they do independent work or even group work. Its not like its nap time either! So again, I have to entretain them for at least half an hour more until its time to go outside. Unlike those 15 scrawny minutes, we go outside for an hour, an hour that involves kids pushing, hitting, and pulling on each other. An hour that stresses me out because little boy over there is hanging upside down, or because someone is bleeding, or someone fell or or or...
Thus the fact that I do not want to teach elementary kids.
I like my job a lot, don't get me wrong. I just hate it so much when it rains. I'd rather have someone trip outside than to have to yell at them to keep them in order. My kids like me, not like iI'm trying to brag or anything, I just know because they tell me. When I ask them if they like the other teacher, everyone says no, and I would too. That woman inspires too much fear and hate in those kids. Even though she's kidding half of the time, the kids can't tell and they are just scared of her. There are good days, most of them are good acuatlly. I look forward to being at work, just not when it rains...
So I've been thinking a lot about last weekend because I decided who I'm going to marry. Now, I just have to convice the other party. Juuuuuust Kidding :) Last weekend was not really good. I took a self-esteem test on Monday and scored 77/100 which is really healthy self-esteem, but this weekend I felt like a 2. SO I sast in my room and cried and cried and cried and then I got over it and got angry then sad and here comes my mother to the rescue. She lives with me of course becuase she is my mother and I'm still 18 (in 18 days I turn 19! EEK!). Anyways, when she's feeling all motherly, she can make me feel really good, but that's a motherly thing. However, like I said, during the weekend I got put down really bad, so obviously by Sunday I was still not feeling my pinkest. We went out to eat but we were a little late to the restaurant. That meant I had to sit by people I din't like...But alas, I ploppled myself on the chair and munched on some chips (btw, chips and salsa are NOT a mexican thing). So there I am minding my own business eating my chips and then someone says "Blah Blah is comming, do we need more seats?" and I jump up and say "here's one!!"...but to everyone else it sounded like OMG THERE'S A SEAT RIGHT NEXT TO ME! HE CAN SIT HERE! IN FACT, I'M DYING FOR HIM TO GET HERE!!!" Now remember, I'm minding my own business eating chips so I wasn't aware of my reaction.
Whatever.
So eventually my dad moves and unwillingly sits next to me and Blah Blah got there and sat at the edge. I'm still muching on chips almost holding my breath because I felt like with the single brush of a petal, I would explode in tears, and then he says "Valeria what's wrong? You're upset" Upset? Upset? I was beyond myself upset but how in the bloody hell did he know that!? I don't talk to him, we don't hang out constantly, I've never confided in him! Why did he have to notice me...I'm such a bad liar...
My parents are convinced someone is going to make a move in either me or Ilse, which is why I've decided who I'm going to marry. Just in case its me, I can clearly and honestly say "I'm sorry but I have higher expectations" or something like that. I don't like to be noticed without me knowing about it. I like my invisibility very much, so of course I did everything I could to remain undercover.
(It made me feel like Sunako in The Wallflower. She used to get nosebleeds when someone that was beautiful got close to her. )
Eventually I got my way and told him nothing, I mean how coul I? My dad was next to me, my mom in front of me and all around us was everyone else. I'm more or less ok now, except for the fact that this internet is being extremely slow and it doesn't have spell check. My update is this: I changed majors and all my classes were useful so I don't have to start over. Maybe I took an extra class but it will help me in the long run since its child growth and development. If and only if I pass all my classes, then I will graduate from HCC during the summer and then continue with my last two years (or one and a half or however many it takes) and then finally I wll have become and official adult. I will have my adult job and my adult clothes and my adult car and then, I will decide on the rest of my life. The end.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Middle School Aspirations
Last night I realized how much I like old-school Disney. I grew up with it, I know the songs and the characters and the dialog and I love the healthyness of back in the day. None of this twilight crap. Well it made me realize how I don't know the songs or dialog in English because I was living in my little Mexico and to be honest, I still have all my VHS in Spanish and a VHS player. I know, one day that machine will stop working and I won't be able to watch the Jungle Book or Dumbo etc etc. I will one day buy the DVD/Blueray but they have to come with Spanish audio. I have to watch Disney in Spanish.
There's a difference in having a high self esteem and being confident. I learned that this week in my public speaking class. I can tell you that in my case, I have high self esteem and moderate to low confidence. The main reason is because when one is not comfortable in their own skin, people notice it. I am not comfortable in my skin, therefore, I have mederate to low confidence. Doesn't mean I can't be bold, because I most certainly can. For example, I was with a friend some time ago and this dude that she knew but hates came up to us and started asking her stuff that was non of his business so I got mad because he would not go away and the questions kept growing intimate so I about had it and told him off. Poor dude didn't know what to say. It may have not been my business either but my friend couldn't brush him off and I wasn't about to sit there and just stare, that's called bad friending. Friends stand up for each other. Oh and about that too, injustices, bad parenting, irresponsible parenting and feeling unappreciated are amongst my latest soap boxes.
Here's why I have a high self esteem but moderate low confidence. When I was in junior high, I got bullied. Yes I said it, bullied. I don't talk about it much becuase its kind of embarrassing to say that I got bullied at some time in my life and the only reason I'm writing about it is becuase I know for a fact that I can count with one hand the number of readers I get. Which by the way, I don't mind. Anyways! So I was in sixth grade when the bullies got me, in gym class to be clear. Another was in my advisory (study hall) and he was probably the worst. He was this guy that later I ended up getting along with...sorta... Well, I was friends with this one girl in my language arts class and she was friends with this other girl that did not like me all the time. So then in our advisory period, she would sit at my table and catch me staring at this guy. But I was thinking oh my gosh just shut up! I was also thinking what a jerk, and, leave that poor boy alone, and, what a nasty flirt. So yeah. Well I've been told that when I stare at people unconsciously, I have an I'm-gonna-kill-you-stare. I'm not really sure, but maybe back in sixth grade I stared in the same way and the girl assumend I liked the guy. So she went and told him! And oh my gosh...just to get him away from me was absolute torture... There may be more to that but I won't say the rest. Well this guy lives down my street so for the longest time I was afraid he would come to my house and do something stupid.
Then there was Liana. I have never in a blog said a name and if I get sued its ok (not really...) Liana. I love that name. Liana. Sounds like lioness and that was exactly what she was, a lioness. If I could have been her just for a day, I could have said my life was complete. In sixth grade however, we were in P.E. class together. She would always mind her own business and she really didn't talk to anyone. I noticed her because she walked with such confidence it was almost like she wore a royal robe of arrogance. But that was just her, she was just walking. She also dyed her hair a lot, and had it really short at one point. And yet, one day she pantsed me. During a free play period. And she pantsed other girls. Her and some other girl. They didn't get in trouble. I wanted to cry. So I did when I got home and I told my parents and they went to talk to the principal and made a big fuss and what not and the the coach yelled at them then the girls were all mad and drama and and and...oh the traumas of my childhood...
In seventh grade, I had this huge fight with the girl I was besties with. We had become major theater geeks and as so, we got in this argument over a lip sync. One day I'm going to write a book about my junior high experience beause it was a bloody experience. Haha bloody...Liana was British and she was sooooo pretty. Up to these days, I still think she was one of the most gorgeous girls I have delt with. Well Liana and I ended up in the same advanced theater class. I was always afraid of her until one day we just had to work together and she was completely different. In eighth grade she became the person I wish I were and then stuff happened and that was the last person I wanted to be. I liked being me. Oh gwad...eighth grade. We all stopped seeing Liana when we went to high school and she moved. I do wonder what it would have been like if she hadn't moved...
Back to the point. I have all this self esteem because I know my limitations and I have passions and aspirations. I have moderate to low confidence because I'm not comfortable in my own skin. So why did I switch majors to creative writing? Well for one becuase I don't want to teach anything else but high school and two, becuase I want to write a book. One day. I don't care if its a children's book or what, I want to write! I love writing even if I'm not the best. Even if some people don't believe I can, I will say oh yes I can and yes I will. I started a story in eighth grade and I need to finish it. I could never figure out the ending becuase I had so many people read it and give me different opinions on how it should end. Its a great story, long, and based on real people in my life. In order for me to finish, I have to boost my confidence and as of right now, I have no idea how I'm going to do that, maybe I won't, and I'll just put it off another four years, but when I do finish and amaze myself, when I am proud to have written something beautiful of what I wish my Utopia would be like, of what it really is in my head, then I will finally sleep happily ever after.
There's a difference in having a high self esteem and being confident. I learned that this week in my public speaking class. I can tell you that in my case, I have high self esteem and moderate to low confidence. The main reason is because when one is not comfortable in their own skin, people notice it. I am not comfortable in my skin, therefore, I have mederate to low confidence. Doesn't mean I can't be bold, because I most certainly can. For example, I was with a friend some time ago and this dude that she knew but hates came up to us and started asking her stuff that was non of his business so I got mad because he would not go away and the questions kept growing intimate so I about had it and told him off. Poor dude didn't know what to say. It may have not been my business either but my friend couldn't brush him off and I wasn't about to sit there and just stare, that's called bad friending. Friends stand up for each other. Oh and about that too, injustices, bad parenting, irresponsible parenting and feeling unappreciated are amongst my latest soap boxes.
Here's why I have a high self esteem but moderate low confidence. When I was in junior high, I got bullied. Yes I said it, bullied. I don't talk about it much becuase its kind of embarrassing to say that I got bullied at some time in my life and the only reason I'm writing about it is becuase I know for a fact that I can count with one hand the number of readers I get. Which by the way, I don't mind. Anyways! So I was in sixth grade when the bullies got me, in gym class to be clear. Another was in my advisory (study hall) and he was probably the worst. He was this guy that later I ended up getting along with...sorta... Well, I was friends with this one girl in my language arts class and she was friends with this other girl that did not like me all the time. So then in our advisory period, she would sit at my table and catch me staring at this guy. But I was thinking oh my gosh just shut up! I was also thinking what a jerk, and, leave that poor boy alone, and, what a nasty flirt. So yeah. Well I've been told that when I stare at people unconsciously, I have an I'm-gonna-kill-you-stare. I'm not really sure, but maybe back in sixth grade I stared in the same way and the girl assumend I liked the guy. So she went and told him! And oh my gosh...just to get him away from me was absolute torture... There may be more to that but I won't say the rest. Well this guy lives down my street so for the longest time I was afraid he would come to my house and do something stupid.
Then there was Liana. I have never in a blog said a name and if I get sued its ok (not really...) Liana. I love that name. Liana. Sounds like lioness and that was exactly what she was, a lioness. If I could have been her just for a day, I could have said my life was complete. In sixth grade however, we were in P.E. class together. She would always mind her own business and she really didn't talk to anyone. I noticed her because she walked with such confidence it was almost like she wore a royal robe of arrogance. But that was just her, she was just walking. She also dyed her hair a lot, and had it really short at one point. And yet, one day she pantsed me. During a free play period. And she pantsed other girls. Her and some other girl. They didn't get in trouble. I wanted to cry. So I did when I got home and I told my parents and they went to talk to the principal and made a big fuss and what not and the the coach yelled at them then the girls were all mad and drama and and and...oh the traumas of my childhood...
In seventh grade, I had this huge fight with the girl I was besties with. We had become major theater geeks and as so, we got in this argument over a lip sync. One day I'm going to write a book about my junior high experience beause it was a bloody experience. Haha bloody...Liana was British and she was sooooo pretty. Up to these days, I still think she was one of the most gorgeous girls I have delt with. Well Liana and I ended up in the same advanced theater class. I was always afraid of her until one day we just had to work together and she was completely different. In eighth grade she became the person I wish I were and then stuff happened and that was the last person I wanted to be. I liked being me. Oh gwad...eighth grade. We all stopped seeing Liana when we went to high school and she moved. I do wonder what it would have been like if she hadn't moved...
Back to the point. I have all this self esteem because I know my limitations and I have passions and aspirations. I have moderate to low confidence because I'm not comfortable in my own skin. So why did I switch majors to creative writing? Well for one becuase I don't want to teach anything else but high school and two, becuase I want to write a book. One day. I don't care if its a children's book or what, I want to write! I love writing even if I'm not the best. Even if some people don't believe I can, I will say oh yes I can and yes I will. I started a story in eighth grade and I need to finish it. I could never figure out the ending becuase I had so many people read it and give me different opinions on how it should end. Its a great story, long, and based on real people in my life. In order for me to finish, I have to boost my confidence and as of right now, I have no idea how I'm going to do that, maybe I won't, and I'll just put it off another four years, but when I do finish and amaze myself, when I am proud to have written something beautiful of what I wish my Utopia would be like, of what it really is in my head, then I will finally sleep happily ever after.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Sleeping over at this chick's
Hey guys! So right now I am on a bed that is like eight feet high...that's like taller than me...and the owner agrees. We are watching me type about how we are still here in the bed all cozy. Now Ilse is going to put her PJ's on. Its about time that I give this up and let someone else do this for me. Not really, I'd never give up writing. Ok so here she is!
Uhm...I'm hot...I think its because I just finished changing. So tonight was fun. (Ilse is talking and distracting me) -laughs- I'm confused on what this is.
Ok so now its me again. Its been a while since I sleep over at some one else's house and I think the reason why is because we are usually always having people over at our house. Its fun I guess and I know that I love it. Its major girl time. So for those of you that are not in the know, this is how it pretty much goes no matter what.
-Eat
-Talk
-Giggle
-Watch some tv/youtube
-Talk
-Talk
-Talk
Reflection of the day ( I feel like I've said this before...) -> a lie is an untold truth or an untold lie. You choose what you make it.
Uhm...I'm hot...I think its because I just finished changing. So tonight was fun. (Ilse is talking and distracting me) -laughs- I'm confused on what this is.
Ok so now its me again. Its been a while since I sleep over at some one else's house and I think the reason why is because we are usually always having people over at our house. Its fun I guess and I know that I love it. Its major girl time. So for those of you that are not in the know, this is how it pretty much goes no matter what.
-Eat
-Talk
-Giggle
-Watch some tv/youtube
-Talk
-Talk
-Talk
Reflection of the day ( I feel like I've said this before...) -> a lie is an untold truth or an untold lie. You choose what you make it.
Monday, January 2, 2012
High Demand
I hate dentists. In fact, I'd rather not ever go. Dentists are worst than Doctors...dentists really just want our money! All I know is that if I floss and brush my teeth at least twice a day I don't need to go see a dentist. Today for example, I went for a semi-anual clean-up. That to me is stupid because all they do is scratch my perfect enamel with this hook looking thing and then brush them with this sandy strawberry paste. And the brush spins really fast and like yeah...I bleed. Oh and let's not forget some agressive flossing...
I'm proud to say two things about my teeth. One is that I have a great enamel and its unlikely that i'll ever get a cavity if I take care of my little enamel. Two is that I have two wisdom teeth showing their pretty faces to the world! Yes, I am officially W.I.S.E. (With Incredibly Sane Experience^_^) ok that was funny...lol... ANYWAYS! So yeah my wisdom teeth don't hurt. However the stupid dentist wants to get rid of my two lower ones!
Here's my problem, wisdom teeth are like an Appendix, unless you get Appendicitis, you don't need to have it removed. My wisdom teeth are minding their own business! My lower one is barely showing its face to the world, and the dentist said it would probably stay like that! Then the other lower one looks tilted in the X-ray but the dentist said it might not come out. So why the heck does he want me to have them removed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I'm a little irritated right now...my teeth still hurt form the cleaning and to top it off I'm a little stressed about my parent's anniversary. They don't know this but Little sister and I got them gifts and we are taking them out to eat...but I have no idea how much they will cooperate or if they will like the gifts we got them...siiiiiigh
I tittled this blog high demand for two reasons. One was because I would like to get braces so that my teeth don't look so eww...I can't help the staining on them because its part of the enamel stuff that won't break so that I won't get cavities. Two is because I received a message on Facebook that made me smile a little and I'm expecting a phone call.
Old habits never die...
I'm proud to say two things about my teeth. One is that I have a great enamel and its unlikely that i'll ever get a cavity if I take care of my little enamel. Two is that I have two wisdom teeth showing their pretty faces to the world! Yes, I am officially W.I.S.E. (With Incredibly Sane Experience^_^) ok that was funny...lol... ANYWAYS! So yeah my wisdom teeth don't hurt. However the stupid dentist wants to get rid of my two lower ones!
Here's my problem, wisdom teeth are like an Appendix, unless you get Appendicitis, you don't need to have it removed. My wisdom teeth are minding their own business! My lower one is barely showing its face to the world, and the dentist said it would probably stay like that! Then the other lower one looks tilted in the X-ray but the dentist said it might not come out. So why the heck does he want me to have them removed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I'm a little irritated right now...my teeth still hurt form the cleaning and to top it off I'm a little stressed about my parent's anniversary. They don't know this but Little sister and I got them gifts and we are taking them out to eat...but I have no idea how much they will cooperate or if they will like the gifts we got them...siiiiiigh
I tittled this blog high demand for two reasons. One was because I would like to get braces so that my teeth don't look so eww...I can't help the staining on them because its part of the enamel stuff that won't break so that I won't get cavities. Two is because I received a message on Facebook that made me smile a little and I'm expecting a phone call.
Old habits never die...
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